


The Good Side of Things

by Hichanchen, SMUTSIS_maria



Category: Monsta X (Band), 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Alternate Universe - Urban Fantasy, Angst, Bottom Chae Hyungwon, But the fantasy is very metaphorical, Complete, Cry for help, Fluff, HyungWonho - Freeform, Hyungwon is a person that isn't one, M/M, Meeting after pouring rain, Mental Health Issues, Not like 'Blue', Psychotherapist Hoseok, Smut, This story is about seeing the good side of things, This story will make you think, Top Shin Hoseok | Wonho, being alone together, hopelessness, humans are afraid of themselves the most, lot's of development, mentions of severe mental health issues, philosophical thoughts about life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-09
Updated: 2019-06-02
Packaged: 2020-02-28 10:15:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 137,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18754387
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hichanchen/pseuds/Hichanchen, https://archiveofourown.org/users/SMUTSIS_maria/pseuds/SMUTSIS_maria
Summary: Notice!This book mentions severe mental health issues and might not be suitable for people who suffer from suicidality and/or severe depression and feel triggered by those topics. However, the story is a very positive one and will make you see the good side of things 💙What happens if a hopeless psychotherapist encounters someone else's will to live? Getting closer, the 30-year-old man and the beautiful person who isn't one, help each other to overcome the loneliness and learn to look twice to recognise the good side of things.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Dear readers,  
> We are back with our newest story: The Good Side Of Things. It is again a story that doesn't compare to the others and we really enjoyed writing it and hope that you will enjoy reading it and get a glimpse of the thoughts we had while creating it. It hits deep and goes beyond what we usually write. Let it make you think.  
>   
> The story is already written and we will be updating every second day, so you can look forward to that!  
>   
>  **NOTICE:** If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
> [@SMUTSIS Official](http://twitter.com/SMUT_SIS)  
> (Please write one of us on here if you want to follow, it is a private account to protect our readers =)  
> And our Instragram: [SMUTSIS Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/smut_sis/)  
>   
>   
> Thank you so much for reading us. We love you  
>   
>   
> We are really hoping that you will enjoy this story as much as our previous works if not more and will be able to learn something from it.  
>   
> We write one character each, also if it is the perspective of the respective other character  
> @Hichanchen writes Hyungwon and  
> @Smut_Hemingway writes Wonho/Hoseok (and J Hope)  
> A special Thank You to our beta-readers Molly and Natalie.  
>   
>   
> We are always so damn grateful about every little bit of feedback, be it a comment, a kudos or a message on Twitter :D You guys are the major reason that we write! (And Hyungwonho, because honestly it's THE SHIP)  
> (We also have another story prepared after this one, so stay tuned.)

The rain was hitting the windows of his office as he stood up and shook Mr. Jacobs’ hand. His cheeks shifted in a familiar movement, creating a reassuring smile and he nodded to emphasize his previous words. The younger man across from him didn’t seem confident and positive, but it was okay. The confidence would come eventually, after positive experiences, when the hard work would show that there was hope and that mood was something that could be influenced and regulated by certain behaviors. Mr. Jacobs would be able to do it, his prognosis was positive and there were enough resources to support the young man and he was receptive enough to teach him some cognitive schemes instead of the ones he had been using until now. The ones that made him visit Hoseok’s office.

Thinking familiar thoughts all over again, he closed the door after the tall man left and went to his coat, searching for the packet of cigarettes he had hidden somewhere. After finally finding his Lucky Strikes, he took one and caught it between his lips. The blue flame kissed the white tip, burning like red coals as he inhaled deeply, filling his lungs with hot smoke. The open window let the thick raindrops hit his bare forearms as he always ran around with rolled up sleeves. It was dark outside and he had to prepare a few sessions for tomorrow, but he felt empty. He wasn’t supposed to work with emptiness, so he let the blue smoke into his lungs instead. They held it for a few moments, harbored it while sucking the color out before letting it go, grey and cold, dissipating into the wet darkness of the February evening. Was it the reason he smoked? Because it filled him with some kind of color while his vessels narrowed and let him experience himself more, compressed and putting a special emphasis on what he usually couldn’t access? Maybe. 

_ You’re addicted. _

Or that. It definitely helped him to deal with stress and the context in which he smoked had always been the same. He started smoking when he started working a few years ago, it was always dark when he finished his day, a fresh breeze, sometimes freezing cold, at other times pleasantly warm, but his insides felt the same, just like the sucking out of the color. It really appeared like it even though he knew how nicotine and tobacco affected his body and brain. Smiling a little, he watched the tip burn almost until the filter as he took a last drag and put out the cigarette, leaving it in the ashtray, used and dead.

_ Like you. You need to get some sleep before the first consultation tomorrow. _

Sighing as a reply to his own thought, Hoseok picked up his black wool coat and put some files for the night into his brown leather bag before turning off the light. He knew the office better than his own apartment and could move around in the dark without bumping into anything or breaking his neck while stumbling over the carpet. Walking towards the door, he had the sudden impression of something moving, a red blink in the corner of his eye, but it must’ve been the laptop on his table that blinked when it was loading. He had no time and no energy to be paranoid, nobody would want to break into his office and tease him with a laser pointer.

_ This is ridiculous. _

His sigh was audible in the stairway as he ran down the stairs and opened his umbrella just in time to not get completely soaked by the rainshower that only increased in intensity with each step. It almost felt like the world was ending, but it was like this with thoughts, they came and went depending on his mood, his workload or his blood-sugar levels. The world wasn’t going to end and Brussels would continue to be, regardless of the rain, just like he was going to be despite everything. Such is life.

He regretted a little that he didn’t take his car, but the tram came on time and he stepped inside and leaned against the railing, deciding against a seat with how soaked he was. Why did he bother to take an umbrella if he was completely wet anyway? Wasn’t it better to embrace the rain and let it soak you, instead of fumbling with a tool that was supposed to shield you from the water but ended up getting you rained on despite your useless attempts? Were people happier if they thought that they had kept one third of the water from soaking their clothes? Sometimes they were and sometimes they weren’t.

He watched the illuminated streets pass through the big windows of the tram and observed the people that entered and left it, only sharing their presence with him, just the presence and nothing else. It felt nice, calm, without any expectations or pressure. Hoseok didn’t have to care about them and they didn’t have to care about him. Still, he wanted to see human faces, see tiredness, joy, satisfaction, anger, devastation, apathy. There was so much to see.

Suddenly he saw someone looking at him. It was a slim figure, black hair and wet clothes. He was sitting alone and there was nobody sitting next to him even though the tram was full and there were no vacant seats besides the few next to the dark-haired person. Something unusual caught his attention but there was too little time to focus and identify what it was. A few seconds passed and he saw something red out of the corner of his eye as he stepped off the tram, before his attention shifted to a visibly pregnant woman trying to lift a stroller. Rushing to help her, he forgot about the person on the tram and was busy thinking about why people didn’t learn about helping each other in school, or at home. His thoughts were so deep that he forgot his umbrella on the railing on the tram and came home completely soaked.

_ You need to shower anyway. _

The coat had to dry so he spread it over the heater and took off his clothes, throwing them all into his washing machine and watched as the laundry drum started turning slowly then faster until he wasn’t able to recognize the colors anymore. It was like with his profession, there was so much pressed into him and processed by his brain in an attempt to find a solution that he stopped seeing the single problems anymore. He needed sleep.

Sighing loudly, Hoseok stepped into the shower cabin and turned on the tap. The hot water warmed him up and made him feel more exhausted, which meant that he would close his eyes and only think for a few minutes and not hours and hours until the rising of the sun and the annoying sound of his alarm. His wet, black hair hung into his eyes and he kept watching how the drops collected at the tips of his bangs and dripped down on his feet and the black tiles as he stared at his reflection in the big mirror, showing him how tired he was. It was time for bed.

_ You can look at the files you brought from work, if you can’t fall asleep. _

He liked the sound of his naked feet on the wooden floor as he walked through the small hallway into his bedroom. It was dark and he didn’t want to turn on the light, but he needed new underwear and the last time he tried to put them on in the dark, he ended up running around the whole day with the tag rubbing against his private parts. Smiling despite his tiredness, he almost broke his neck stumbling over something wet on the floor. After inhaling a few times and coming down from the adrenaline, he spotted his black umbrella laying in the middle of the hallway and soaking his floor.

_ You forgot it on the tram. _

He lifted an eyebrow and observed the familiar object before picking it up and trying to come up with a decent explanation as to how it happened to be laying in the middle of his hallway. But it was okay because things like this happened when he was extremely tired. Once he thought that he didn’t take his bag, but he did. He opened the umbrella and left it next to the heater to dry before entering his bedroom and turning on the lightswitch that covered his surroundings in a pleasant yellowish light.

His eyes slid over the wooden boards and the narrow path of drops that led to the bed. The watery road concluded at a small pool with white, dirty sneakers located in the middle of it. The shoes belonged to a person, a boy, dressed in a pair of old, destroyed blue jeans and an oversized black shirt. His clothes were drenched and continuously added to the puddle on the floor. Hoseok couldn't see the intruder’s face as his head was tilted back and he stared at the ceiling, but he had a feeling of familiarity. The drops collected on black strands of hair and fell on the sheets, colouring the white fabric grey.

_ Did he break into your apartment? But why would he soak your bed instead of getting the valuable stuff? _

“I would ask you how I could help you, but you're sitting on my bed and I'm not really in my professional attire, so it's a little inappropriate. Who are you and what are you doing in my house?” he asked, looking at the bedside table where he saw his ring. If he was a thief he would've taken it.

Instead of replying immediately, the soaked boy stood up and reached for the ring, as if he had read his thoughts. Grasping it carefully with his index finger and thumb, the intruder held it out to him, round face and bright eyes focusing on him. They were red, resembling fresh blood before it dried and turned dark, almost black. Hoseok couldn't focus on any of the other features, too thrown off by the unnatural eye colour.

“Is this yours?” the boy asked, voice low and rough like he hadn't spoken for a long time.

_ So he is interested in the ring. _

It was hard to make conclusions from the boy’s features, there was something unusual to them, as if the micro movements in his face didn’t seem natural. Watching the red eyes for a few moments, he returned his attention to the gold ring.

“Yes. Why? Did you come because of this? How did you enter my apartment? Did I leave the door open? Why didn't you take the ring and leave?” He stepped closer, pulling the belt of his bathrobe tighter around himself. The whole situation was unreal, something he must be dreaming. A product of his tired brain.

The boy smiled instead of replying, plump lips spreading wide but the cheerfulness didn't reach his eyes, stopping right below them like he ran out of steam. Placing the ring back on the table, he turned around and sat down on the bed again, soaking it further. His legs were long, stretched out and the drops created another puddle several centimetres away from the first.

“I'm glad I found you then.”

_ You? _

“Why would you be glad that you found me? Is it because of my office? I have a website, you can look up where to find me, there's also a phone number. No need to come to my house. But- you're completely soaked, I'll give you dry clothes and an umbrella and then you can go home, okay?” Hoseok walked to his wardrobe and took out a pair of jeans, a white shirt, socks and new, packaged underwear, before closing the distance and putting the pile next to the completely soaked person on his bed. “I'll go out, then you can change, okay?”

“I have no home,” the boy replied and stared at the pile of clothes for a few moments. “And I have no interest in the white building that you work in. I also have no interest in your profession, only in you.” The black head lifted and red eyes met his again, even brighter up close. They were unusually big for the small face. The longer the boy talked the less rough his voice became, like a machine that needed to be oiled to run properly.

There were no signs of mania no matter how much he observed the young man, no hyperarousal and no jumping thoughts, just very clear and focused formulations that still sounded insane.

“What do you mean you have no home? Don't you have a place you can go to? Did you have a fight with your parents? Your girlfriend? We can talk about it tomorrow, but sometimes it's best if you talk to the person you fought with, they probably miss you too. But please change, you'll get ill and I won't be able to use the bed because it'll be completely wet. Call me in when you're done.” He was a little stupid, he really was, leaving the ring and closing the door. It wasn't that he didn't cherish it, or any other object inside his bedroom, but the black-haired boy would take what he wanted and leave with dry clothes without telling him stories about having no home and being interested in him.

The door opened suddenly, surprising him enough to jerk at the sound.

“I'm done,” the low voice muttered behind him. He had only left the young man for a few moments, but his thoughts must have distracted him enough to not feel the passing of time. The tall figure was wearing his clothes and he could see the wet pile from the corner of his eye.

“I should think about working less,” Hoseok whispered to himself and walked past the young guy, before taking a pair of underwear and a shirt out of his wardrobe. Good thing that he was wearing a bathrobe, so he didn't have to worry while slipping into his black trunks and only taking a few seconds to change into the white shirt.

“Will working less make you hopeful?”

The tall boy stepped closer and watched him, gaze penetrating his back. He didn't bother to lift his feet from the ground when he walked, silently sliding through the room.

_ Hopeful? _

“I don't think it will make me hopeful, but it might give me a more accurate representation of the world around me. I think my perceptions are shifting a little.” Turning around, he threw the white bathrobe on the nearby chair and focused his gaze on his intruder’s face. He looked young, big eyes, a round nose and thick lips, only the red lenses were hard to get used to. “Do you want me to drive you home? What's your name?”

“I thought I told you, I have no home.” Again the boy smiled, lips spreading and cheek muscles tensing but nothing else. “I will be here from now on, helping you.”

_ What? _

“But- I don't need any help. I'm fine. A lot of people say they have no home because the place that they call home gets tainted by dysfunctional relationships, negative interaction, lack of trust and similar issues, but you must have a place where you usually sleep, don't you? Again- what's your name? You must know mine if you are in my apartment.” His gaze stayed on the boy’s features, but it was the same as before. Either he was too tired to see anything, or the intruder really had a very unique mimic and an unusual way of expressing emotions and thoughts.

“Won, my name is Won.” The black-haired boy inhaled roughly like he suddenly remembered that he should, big eyes blinking a few times in surprise. “I hope you don't talk like this to the people that leave the big, white building. They will not understand you and only continue to be upset.”

“I'm just tired.” He rubbed his temples, eyes fluttering shut at the sensation before he opened them again and looked at Won. It was a funny name, but oh well. “I mean that you might have a place where you eat and sleep, but not consider it home. I was trying to ask you where you sleep, Won, so that I can drive you there.”

“I don't.” The boy turned around and walked towards the bed. His movements seemed unnatural, rough even, as he rubbed his right palm over the wet spot he had created earlier, fabric darker than the rest of the sheets. “Unless you really need me to. But I could be useful differently, anything that helps you.” Sitting down on the wet spot, Won stared at him expectantly. “What makes you happy?”

“Wait, don't sit on the wet spot, let me change the blanket.” He was so tired that he asked himself whether it was some crazy dream and he should go to sleep and wake up tomorrow with more energy and less strangers in his bedroom. Still, he pulled a thick blanket off the shelf, lifting on his tiptoes to get it.

“No, I like it here. It feels right,” the tall boy muttered and pointed at the bed. “Go to bed, I can tell you want to. It will make you happier, so you need to do it.”

“Shh, stop this nonsense. You created puddles everywhere. Listen- Won, I don't know why you're here and why you don't want to leave, but if it makes you feel better, you can stay over and I'll talk to you in the morning and we will figure something out for you, okay? I don't have an additional bed, so you can use this half and sleep.” Reaching out, Hoseok expected the tall boy to get up, but when he didn't, he wrapped his fingers around his thin wrist and pulled him up. The touch felt like cold air, a breeze that rushed past his fingers and disappeared as soon as he let go. When he let go he wasn't even sure if he had touched the boy’s skin in the first place.

Won's lips pursed suddenly and his red eyes narrowed, staring at him with dissatisfaction. The expression revealed that the young boy had a prominent forehead, making him look even more determined. It was the first time since he had arrived in Hoseok’s apartment that Won was firm about something.

“You don't know what's good for you,” the low voice muttered and he saw the young man step to the side and point at the bed again. “Sleep, it'll make you happy. I'll clean up the puddles in the meantime. I know how to do that.” Sucking his plump lips into his mouth, the black-haired boy turned around and made his way out of the room, steps still mechanical like he was testing them out. He soon heard the sound of paper towels being pulled from the roll, repeating numerous times until Won returned with several sheets crumpled in his hands.

Kneeling down, the boy began to soak the liquid into the paper, watching the way each drop of water created a big, moist circle in the material. Hoseok’s clothes were too short and at the same time loose on him. The pants stopped at his ankles, revealing more of the socks and the white shirt hung on his slim frame like a sack, a little wet on the back from the boy's wet hair. His broad shoulders were the only reason the t-shirt didn't slip down one side.

“Will you sleep when the water is gone?” Won asked when the first puddle disappeared. His rough voice had been hard to get used to at first, but sounded more and more normal as time passed. Now it was almost like the low voice of a man his age, a little nasal still. Hoseok had no idea why he watched a stranger cleaning his apartment, but at this moment it made sense.

“I will sleep if I’m sure that you will sleep too and not wander around,” he murmured and replaced the soaked blanket with a fresh, dry one.

The black-haired boy was plain weird, standing up with the soaked paper towels and taking them somewhere. Once he returned, he lifted a corner of the blanket and slipped under it, lying down like a wooden board.

“Now?”

“Yes. If you need a toothbrush I have new ones in the white cupboard on the left side of the sink. Good night.” His eyes were already closed as he spoke and he curled up in his blanket, exhaustion taking over and darkness enveloping him whole.

 

***

 

It was raining like somebody had emptied a gigantic bucket over the city, covering the streets and people in water. He could feel the drops, landing on the top of his head, the back of his hand and his shoulders. He wasn't sure if the brief sensation of coldness was the way others felt it, he couldn't remember, but it was pleasant. Getting soaked had something natural to it, the way the world worked and he joined in as a part of it.

The white house that he had been watching for the past week resembled a grey blur now, barely recognizable through the downpour.

_ But you don't need the house now. _

He switched his gaze to the lone figure at the tram stop, hiding under an umbrella. He knew everything now, he only needed to follow, to accompany the man on several tram stops, four to be exact and then walk along the narrow side street to his apartment. He had been there already, examining the arrangement of rooms so he wasn't a nuisance once he began to live there.

Won heard himself chuckle, sound rough because he hadn't spoken yet. ‘Live’ might be a bit of a stretch.

As soon as he saw the tram lights, he stepped closer, waiting for the doors to open before slipping inside quickly. Had he waited at the stop several passengers might have decided to leave prematurely or not ride the tram in the first place.

_ It's none of your business, just fulfil your task, so you can have peace. _

Won watched the man, the way he left his umbrella on the railing to help a pregnant woman with a stroller, and got off the tram. Again he followed, right hand wrapping around the handle of the umbrella and pulling it along. There was nothing special about it, no spark and no voice that told him it belonged to the right person. Only the ring did that.

He had tried before, touching the man's pens, the papers on his desk or a used cup of coffee. There had been nothing special about them and Won kept hoping in vain for a sign. There was none and he had to work with what he had.

The shower was running when he dematerialized his left hand and reached through the wooden entrance door. His fingers materialized and found the door handle, pressing it down. It had worked again, so he smiled and pulled his arm back out of the wood, wiggling his fingers to check whether everything was still in place.

He dropped the umbrella in the hall and closed the door, walking the familiar path to the bedroom. The ring was lying on a bedside table. It was the right one, with the same design and the same carvings in the gold that he had seen.

When he sat down on the edge of the bed and waited for the man he had been looking for to return, he hadn't expected a second downpour. This time it was a downpour of words and interpretations of his behaviour that made no sense to him. Won ignored them and focused on the task at hand, figuring out what the man needed and how to provide him with it.

He had tried a lot of things, changing into dry clothes, solving the home-problem by not having one, drying the floor that he had covered in water. His last resort was lying down on the soft sheets that felt unfamiliar against his skin and staring at the ceiling. There was nothing on it.

The man said something about a toothbrush that Won didn't need and rolled up on the bed, covering most of his body with a blanket. He had said that he was tired, so sleeping was probably going to make him happy. Once the man was happy, Won could leave again.

_ Your mind isn't working properly, maybe you also need to lie down for a little and not follow or observe him for once. _

He sighed and shifted, attempting to find a more comfortable position. He wasn't used to his body yet, the way it moved and how much strength each motion required. He had nothing to compare it with, but he somehow knew that it was different. Watching people on the street told him that they either had more strength or their limbs moved better.

_ You'll get used to it, like with your voice. _

Won turned to the side and examined the sleeping man again. Hoseok was his name, Hoseok Lee. It was probably better to address him by name if he wanted to explain his purpose to him, at least to the degree that a living human like him was able to understand.

He sighed and climbed out of the bed, turning his wrists and ankles in small circles to improve the flexibility. He needed to be helpful and lying around wasn't going to make Hoseok happier. Clean floors might do the trick though.

Pursing his lips and rubbing over his arms, he returned to the kitchen to grab more paper towels and remove the water he had spread everywhere. The consequences of being soaked had left his mind when he entered the older man's apartment. He would have to learn and improve with time.

_ It wouldn't be your task if it was easy. There is nothing for free in this world, Won. _

The goal was to help, so Won helped, cleaning the floors, the used coffee cups in the kitchen, threw dirty clothes from a basket into the washing machine and pressed the buttons he had seen Hoseok press before. After he sorted the contents of the fridge according to expiration date, he threw away vegetables that looked more exhausted than their owner. Some of the forks were in the spot for the spoons, so he returned them where they belonged.

It was at this point that he ran out of useful things to do. He had cleaned everything he could and hung up the clothes he washed on a rack that stood in the bathroom. He even checked if the heating was working because Hoseok had always done that.

_ Wait until he wakes up then. _

Sighing, he returned to the bedroom and sat down on the floor, knees pulled up to his chest and eyes focused on the man curled up in blankets. His black hair was messy and stuck up at funny angles where it wasn't spread out over the white pillow. Hoseok must have been in a deep sleep as he didn't move an inch, no matter how long Hyungwon stared.

Sun rays began to enter through the windows, there were no curtains to hide them. Won only watched at first, wondering when the black-haired man would finally wake up. 

The incessant ringing of a device on his bedside table shocked him enough to fall over, head hitting against the ground. The pain was dull though, not the way it would have been for somebody else. He winced and rubbed over the area as he sat back up again, meeting a pair of wide eyes.

“Good morning,” he muttered while still rubbing over his head. “Hoseok,” he added belatedly.

“You are indeed real,” the black-haired man muttered, pronunciation unclear and muscular arms lifting over his head to stretch. “Did you sleep well, Won?”

_ Just say yes. _

“Yes,” he replied automatically and spread his lips in a smile. “Would you like a coffee? You always drink two. I can make them, I learned how.”

He struggled to stand up and caught himself from falling by holding onto the edge of the bed with one hand. Maybe it was because he hadn't moved for a long time. He would have to start keeping track of that if it made him immobile.

“The question is, what do you like? Do you also drink coffee?” Hoseok glanced at his watch, concentrating on it for a few seconds, before reaching for the bedside table and putting the gold ring on his finger. “I have a session at nine, but I have to prepare, so you could come along to my office and we can have a talk. If it doesn’t solve your problem we will figure out a different solution, okay?” 

Won blinked a few times, wondering why he was the one with the problem. He wasn’t.

“I will make you coffee,” he stated instead of responding to all the complex things that were going on in Hoseok’s head and made his way to the kitchen. He remembered the steps well, first he had to turn the machine on with a button. Luckily it was able to blend beans all by itself, so he didn’t have to do that, squeezing them with his hands or whatever was necessary. The machine blinked that it was done, so he took a cup out of the cupboard and placed it under the part of the machine that resembled nostrils. Another button press and he watched brown liquid spill into the prepared cup. Perfect, now he only needed milk, he had watched the black haired man pour it for exactly two seconds for a cup this size.

“I’m done,” he exclaimed once the milk was inside the cup and he had heated it up in the microwave for 30 seconds. Waddling back to the bedroom carefully, he held the cup out like an offering.

“Will this make you happy?” he asked.

The pale, muscular man was getting dressed, buttoning his light blue shirt and tucking it into the dark blue suit pants. He must like blue.

“Why do you keep asking whether things will make me happy? I’m fine. And thank you for the coffee. What do you drink in the morning? Tea? What makes you happy?” Taking the cup out of his hands the black-haired man smiled brightly, eyes turning into crescents.

Won frowned again and shook his head. There was no need for him to be happy and there was no need for tea either.

“I don't drink, I'm here for you,” he replied and waited for the older man to take a sip. He needed to know if it was perfect or if he needed to improve. Instead of drinking, Hoseok stared at him with an unreadable expression on his face.

“Why are you here for me?” the other man asked, holding the cup in front of his chest.

Won swallowed once, wondering if there was a way to explain it that made sense to Hoseok. It needed to make sense, so he could fulfil his purpose.

“I'm- I'm your guardian angel, Hoseok,” he whispered and curled his fists, hiding them in the pockets of the loose jeans he was wearing. He really needed clothes his size.

It was silent for a while as the older man kept watching him intently, jumping from his face to his body, staring into his eyes and looking as if he was searching for something.

“Listen, I really think that you’re cute for saying that, but you don’t need to, really. I will help you regardless. I need to get you new clothes first, I think I have jeans that I can’t fit my thighs into, so they might look good on you, and a few shirts that are too tight for me.” Hoseok didn’t touch the coffee, just placing the cup on the bedside table and rummaging in his wardrobe. “Are you studying, or working? Well- it doesn’t matter, we will get you back on track. Is there someone you trust? Parents who would be terrified if they knew you were hanging around at my house? A girlfriend? I’d call so they don’t worry.”

“There is nobody, just me,” Won replied truthfully and wondered why that even mattered. Maybe the black-haired man was trying to get rid of him. He was a little upset about the cup of coffee, he had tried hard. “I don't need help, you're the one who needs help, that's why I'm here. Drink the coffee, please, I need to know if it's perfect.”

“I’ll drink it, I’m sure you did a perfect job, Won. Also: I’m fine, you don’t need to worry about me, I don’t need help, I’m getting by pretty well as you see.” Again a bright smile graced the older man’s face as he rushed to his cup and drank half of his coffee at once before returning to the big wardrobe and continuing picking out clothes, throwing them on top of the bed. Won felt a little better knowing the older man didn't grimace after drinking. “I understand your mindset, but you must’ve been somewhere before finding me, so we have to make sure that you’re not missed so much that the police decide to visit my place. How old are you, Won?”

_ How old are you? _

He didn't know, but not knowing was probably bad, so he merely shrugged his shoulders and stared at his sock-clad feet. The guardian angel thing had sounded simpler in his head, he hadn't prepared answers to such questions.

“I was on the street before coming here. I looked for you and found you, now I'm where I belong.”

Again, the black-haired man looked at him for a long time before handing him the clothes he had picked.

“You don't remember?” Hoseok asked quietly.

_ How can he tell? _

“I remember, I was sent here to be your guardian angel, I told you.” Won crossed the distance to the coffee cup and wrapped his palms around it. The warmth was pleasant, but it didn't belong to him, so he stretched it out towards Hoseok again. “Drink, it is yours.”

“I have to admit that the story of you being my guardian angel sounds really adorable, but don't worry, we'll figure it out. Are you- in pain? Does something hurt?” Drinking his coffee, the older man watched him again.

_ Adorable? It was supposed to be reasonable, not adorable. _

“I don’t feel anything, so no- nothing hurts.” Won shrugged again, wondering why that was relevant. His limbs felt a little rusty from sitting around on the floor for several hours, but otherwise there was nothing to be concerned about. “What do you need to feel happy? Do you want the people that always come to you to stay at home?”

“You don't feel anything? Not even touch?” Ignoring his question, Hoseok reached out for his wrist. “Can I?”

He shrugged again. He had felt the rain drops, so he could probably also feel the touch. When the black-haired man grabbed him by the wrist a few hours ago he had also been able to tell. It was a little strange, like thin threads that brushed over his skin. The grip had to be stronger for it to feel normal, at least for what he remembered to be normal.

_ Why is he asking all of this? It’s not about you, it’s about him feeling hopeful and happy. _

Nodding briefly, Hoseok curled his fingers around his wrist, while his dark eyes focused on his face. A few moments passed and the sensation disappeared.

“I see. Did you eat? You look pale and you're cold, we should definitely make sure that your blood sugar levels are fine and then you can come along with me, if you like. But I can't let you join the sessions because it's confidential and I'd go to jail.” Hoseok smiled cheerfully and emptied his coffee. “Here, wear those.” He pointed at the clothes.

_ No-one will be able to tell. _

“You won’t go to jail,” he pointed out and made his way to the clothes. His legs still felt a little rusty, so he slowly sat down before pulling the socks off his feet and fumbling with the button of the jeans. It had been easier the night before. “The people you meet won’t be able to tell I’m there. They are blind because they have hope.”

“That's not true. Often they don't, that's why they come to me. I'll just say that you're my new assistant after you sign the non-disclosure obligation. Please change and I'll take the cup back.” Turning around, the broad figure left the room, shutting the door behind him.

_ Maybe he will see all the good things you have done. _

Smiling to himself, he finally opened the button and slipped the jeans off his legs. His hands were faster when nobody was watching, easily putting on the new pair and replacing his shirt with the tighter one that the black-haired man provided. Something told Won, that Hoseok didn’t believe him. The older man must have thought that he was like him, a person that needed food, drink, affection and hope. He didn’t need any of those things, he only needed for Hoseok to become hopeful.

_ Maybe that is the sign that he is the right one. Everybody else avoids you or can’t even tell you are there, but he pays so much attention to you. _

Fumbling with the fabric of the shirt to remember its texture, he left the room and followed the noises until he found Hoseok who turned around and looked at him, expression of shock written all over his face.

“Oh my god, Won, did you clean my whole apartment? Why? I told you to get some rest! You- you don't need to do anything for me, I told you, I'm fine!” 

_ Is he angry? _

Won winced a little at the raised voice and pressed his lips into a thin line. He had expected cheerfulness and a smile instead of shock and reprehension.

“I am not here to rest, I am here to help. I told you, that’s why I was sent here. I’m your guardian angel. Why can’t you understand?” His hands curled into fists and his whole body froze in place. If cleaning didn’t help the other man to feel better, then what was he supposed to do?

“Okay, listen, Won. I think that you're having some kind of complex, posttraumatic issue paired with amnesia and hyposensitivity, which is fine and I promise that we will work on it and I'll do my best to help you. You don't need to do anything in return, you really don't. Still- thank you for spending all that energy on cleaning my place. I mostly work, so I often forget to catch up on the tasks at home. I'm sorry if I freaked you out.” Stepping closer, Hoseok looked down at his feet. “We seem to have a similar shoe size, so I can give you a pair of mine. Let's go.” A reassuring smile accompanied the dark eyes that looked at him attentively.

“I don’t have any issues. I think the main problem is that you do not believe me and think I am like you.” He sighed, but followed the older man to the hallway. He wasn’t too sure how to make Hoseok believe him apart from demonstrating how everybody avoided him and didn’t bother to look twice.

_ He also hadn’t bothered to look twice before you came to his apartment. _

“I will take care of the tasks at home from now on. That will make it easier for you, Hoseok.”

“You're mistaken. I don't think that you're like me. I don't know anyone like me, but maybe it's because I'm nothing special or because of my job, or because actually you don't want help, which is fine. Just know that I'm here when you change your mind. Those jeans fit really well.” The older man gestured while tying his shoelaces and put a new pair of Nike sneakers in front of him.

Won only nodded while carefully sliding his slim, but long feet into the provided shoes. He was going to live with Hoseok from now on, so it was good that he had shoes he could wear. They would prevent his feet from getting dirty after wandering around outside.

“Why do you live alone?” he asked. It might be the first step to understanding what made the older man unhappy. If the goal was to make him happy and hopeful, Won needed to figure out the problem first.

“Why? Because I don't have a partner and my last relationship was ages ago. I like living alone, it's calm.” Smiling again, the black-haired man put on his dry wool coat and gave him a black jacket. “It's too narrow for my arms, so I guess it'll fit. Good that I didn't have time to donate the clothes, now we can use them.”

“Now you don’t live alone anymore, but-” Won thought about how to justify his presence in the older man’s home while pushing his arms through the sleeves of the jacket. If he liked living alone, then joining him was doing something that made him unhappy, wasn’t it? Maybe it was a lie? Or it didn’t count because he was no partner, “but I’m your guardian angel, so it doesn’t count.”

“Mhm, you're my guardian angel. Let's go get some food for you.” The older man grabbed his brown leather bag and opened the door, waiting for him to follow.

“I don’t eat.” Won sighed again and stepped out of the apartment. There was nobody else in the stairway, so also nobody that might switch their plans because of him. Hoseok had finally agreed to the whole ‘guardian angel’ thing, but he still didn’t get the point. “Have you ever seen an angel eat? They help, they don’t eat. It’s a waste of food.”

“Let's waste some food on you. It'll make me really happy,” Hoseok commented and winked at him while completely ignoring his objection.

“Fine,” he muttered and hoped that it wasn’t a cheap trick to make him eat. He hated cheap tricks and was pretty good at seeing through them, especially since he had received the task to find Hoseok. A brief glance at the older man’s face was enough to figure out that it was a sneaky trick, one that had a little bit of truth in it. Seeing him eat probably calmed the black-haired man down because he worried that Won would faint.

_ You don’t need food, but he still doesn’t believe you. _

“Maybe you will finally understand when we are on the tram. Just pay attention to what people do.”

“You know, a lot of people that I deal with consider themselves invisible. They think nobody cares about them and nobody sees them. That they could die and no-one would notice, but in the end it's just a very pessimistic view of the world. Something that they can't know and also something that can be changed. I care about you, so I'm not really interested in how others see you, unless you want them to notice. Then we can work on that.” 

_ It’s pointless, he finds a professional explanation for everything. _

“Whatever makes you happy, Hoseok,” he murmured and stopped at the tram stop, waiting for it to arrive. There was one other woman that stood close to the announcements and gazed in the direction where the tram was supposed to come from. A single look in his direction was sufficient for her to glance at her watch and suddenly begin walking along the street, far away from them.

_ Because you make her uncomfortable. _

“I told you,” he whispered and reached out to turn the announcement board, round and round while waiting for the tram to arrive.

“Ah, I wanted to ask you why you wear the red contact lenses? It might be the reason people freak out, they always associate bad things with red eyes. I guess it's some kind of weird protection mechanism.” Hoseok stopped the board from turning and looked him in the eyes.

_ Contact lenses? Of course, those exist. _

Won had completely forgotten that humans had an explanation for everything, moving closer and closer towards the things they were afraid of to fight them off, only to realize that they were their own biggest nightmare in the end.

“I’m not wearing contact lenses, they’re my real eyes,” he replied and shrugged again. “You say they're red? They were like this when I came to be.”

“Really?” The older man stepped closer and leaned in carefully until there were only a few centimeters between their faces. “Wow, it must be some kind of mutation, like the one you see in Albinos. Your eyes look gorgeous though, I also thought it was strange at first, but now I think that it looks beautiful.” Smiling, Hoseok leaned back again.

_ Is there anything that surprises him apart from you cleaning his apartment? _

“Thank you,” Won replied because that was the correct reply after receiving a compliment. “Do you have a proper explanation for everything? Even when I slip my hand through your door?”

“Depends. I might.” Again the older man winked and stepped closer to the platform as the tram approached. The doors opened and Hoseok waited for him to enter.

Won sighed, understanding that the black-haired man thought it was a joke of his. He stepped onto the tram and sat down in the middle of a row of seats, the way he always did. There were many people standing and squeezing in to get to work, but nobody bothered to sit down next to him.

_ Because they know that you aren’t like them. _

“I told you,” he said again and not a single person bothered to turn towards his voice. It was only a matter of time until Hoseok would understand that he was his guardian angel, there to help him.

Again, Hoseok ignored his words and sat down next to him, turning his head to look him in the eyes.

“You told me a lot of things, except how old you are. I'm guessing it's somewhere between eighteen and twenty-two? You have no wrinkles and you look young, but your body proportions tell me that you're not a child.”

“I don’t know, Hoseok. I am a guardian angel, we have no age.” Won smiled a little because not knowing how old he was fit so beautifully to his task. “It doesn’t matter because human laws don’t apply to me.”

“Which human laws are you talking about? You mean eating and sleeping? I have some people who come to me who think those laws don't apply to them either. You just don't know.” Hoseok sighed all of a sudden and turned away, looking out of the window, much like he did when he didn't know that Hyungwon was watching him.

_ He is upset because he thinks you are hurting yourself. _

“You think that I am mentally ill, but I am really not, Hoseok. I will prove it to you when I can.” Chewing on his bottom lip, he reached out and brushed over the older man’s thigh once, hoping that it was reassuring. He couldn’t really tell. “You’re right, I don’t know how old I am, but I also don’t need to know because I am here to make you happy. Can’t you stop thinking about me and let me be the one to think about you?”

“Why?” the black-haired man asked quietly, dark eyes focusing on the buildings passing by.

“Because no one else does,” Hyungwon replied and stood up, pulling at Hoseok’s coat to motivate him to follow. The tram was already braking to stop at their station.

“Ouch. But also, it's fine.” Smiling, the older man followed and pulled out the keys to his office, opening the door as soon as they arrived at the white building. “I think it'll get warmer soon,” Hoseok murmured while taking off his coat and hanging it on the hook in the hallway. “Now we have some time and I can watch you eat an apple.”

_ Is he trying to make conversation? _

The comment confused him a little and he sat down on the chair in the corner of the office where he always sat, feet pulled underneath him. There was a bookshelf right next to it and he liked the spot because he could lean his head on it while watching the older man.

“Why do you want to watch me eat an apple? Do you live off other people, Hoseok?”

“Do I? I kind of live off other people's misery, to be honest. I would be jobless if people were happy, but still I would prefer to become jobless if it meant that there would be no misery anymore. I'm worried about you and want to touch you all the time to make sure that your body temperature is fine, so please just eat the apple, okay?” 

_ Just eat it, he won’t believe you anyway. _

He sighed and stretched out his hand, waiting for the apple that he was supposed to eat for the other man’s happiness.

“You seem nice, maybe that is why I was sent to you. You only think about others and forget yourself. You know, if all of us would think about ourselves, everybody would be taken care of.”

“Cool motto, just that it's unrealistic and suggests that everybody has the same resources, the same potential and the same genetics, which is bullshit. That's why there are people who can't help themselves and there are people like me, who help them to get back on track.” The older man placed a big, green apple into his hand and went to his bag, pulling out a few files and looking through them. The dark eyes looked up once in a while to see what he was doing.

_ He doesn’t think that you are dangerous, does he? _

Won munched away on the juicy apple and frowned a little at the taste. There was nothing he could have really defined as taste, only texture that was a little mushy and therefore unpleasant on his tongue. His mouth wasn’t made for consuming food.

“But maybe some people aren’t meant to be helped. Nature and all,” he muttered and licked off the liquid that passed his lips and dripped down his chin. “I am here because somebody decided that you need to be helped, so maybe there is something that makes you special. Or you are being repaid for all your good deeds. I don’t really know.”

_ You are only following what you have to do. _

“I'm not religious, sorry.” Again the black eyes returned to the file and Hoseok's expression changed into worry, eyebrows furrowed and white teeth biting on his curved lips.

Won immediately jumped up, hiding the half eaten apple behind his back as he hurried over and stopped next to the black-haired man.

“What is it? It’s worrying you, right? How can I help?” he muttered quickly, hopeful that his time to shine had finally come. The other man jerked at the sudden movement and looked up.

“What do you mean? I'm just trying to come up with an effective treatment strategy, you don't need to help me. Did you finish your apple?”

“Yes,” he replied, still keeping the apple behind his back. He was bad at lying, he hadn’t known it before, but the more often he did it the louder the voice is his head became.

_ You can’t do it. Not now and not before. _

“I didn't, but it tastes like nothing. I don’t need it, trust me. I haven’t eaten the whole time that I looked for you and I am fine.” Won smiled to be reassuring and leaned over to read what was on the files. “It obviously worries you, I am made to be able to read you.”

“Yeah? Then please read, you must be able to relate, this is a thirty-year-old woman who is anorexic and actually needs to go to the hospital, but she spent the last three sessions discussing with me why she doesn't need food and why weighting 40 kilograms is okay, because she has a PhD and knows better than me. You know what she said before leaving a week ago? She said ‘I don't need it, trust me.’” The older man looked devastated before he sighed and returned his gaze to the file. “I just hope that she’ll be able to come,” he added quietly.

_ He thinks you are the same. _

Won nodded slowly and returned to his chair, hands grabbing the edge and legs hidden below it. That way he wasn’t a disturbance to the older man. He was supposed to help, not make him anxious about his health. The apple was still in his hand and he forced himself to bite into it and swallow the tasteless mass down.

“I can tell you when she is lying if that helps, or when she is hiding something. Or when she is scared. It’s the one thing I can do apart from being almost invisible.” 

“It doesn't matter whether she lies or hides something. I'm not the police. I just want to help, but sometimes it's really hard.” Watching him for a few seconds the older man sighed. “I see how disgusted you look. Throw it away,” Hoseok whispered and picked up his pen, writing something down on the file.

Won didn’t, he bit another big chunk out the apple and chewed with his mouth partially opened before throwing the remains into a garbage can. Hoseok’s problems were more complex than he had anticipated.

“But if I can tell you when she is scared, you can talk to her about it, right? That way you can address her emotions and make her happy.”

“You know what the problem is? The problem is that you think that you need to do something for me whereas I want you to do something for yourself.” Hoseok wanted to say something else, but the bell rang and he got up, opening the door instead.

Won remained in place, perfectly aware that the woman that entered wouldn’t pay attention to him or even realize that he was there. He didn’t want her to, so she wouldn’t be able to even hear his voice.

“The problem is that you still don’t believe me, Hoseok,” he replied and rested his head against the bookshelf, letting loose his muscle tension.

_ It doesn’t matter whether he believes you as long as he is hopeful in the end. _


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What do I have to do to make you believe me? I am not human like you, Hoseok.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 11th of May at 2 PM CET.  
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He didn’t know what was more strange, to be accompanied by someone the whole day, or that this someone tried to persuade him that he was his guardian angel and there to take care of him, to make him happy. It was nonsense, no matter how he looked at it. Why would somebody care about his attitude or his emotional balance?

_It’s so ridiculous that it’s funny._

But the circumstances were indeed weird. Sure, his clients with mental health issues were very self centered and sometimes also had problems focusing their attention on what was happening around them, but they simply ignored Won when the black-haired boy performed shenanigans in the back of the room and demonstratively mouthed ‘I told you’ while moving his lips in an overly dramatic way.

_Are you the only one who can see him?_

The thought was more than uncomfortable and reminded him of the symptoms of psychosis, schizophrenia and other mental health issues involving hallucinations and mania. Thankfully he couldn’t keep thinking about it because his sessions tired him out completely. It was so bad that he crouched down as soon as the last client left and the door finally shut for good. The thought that no one else was coming was so calming that he threw his head back and let out a deep sigh, already looking forward to his final cigarette, sucking the color out of the smoke to fill his lungs with it.

Suddenly he felt something cool on his shoulders, fingers that applied pressure and dug into his sore muscles, loosening them up. The black-haired boy behind him didn’t say a word and merely massaged his back, beginning with his shoulders while slowly moving towards his neck and the spot where most of the muscle strings connected into one painful knot. His hands felt unusual, not the way Hoseok would have imagined his touch to feel. Won’s fingers were small drops that brushed over his skin without much of a break, a cold, tingling sensation.

_Are you losing your mind, Hoseok?_

“Aren’t you tired? You must be exhausted hanging around here the whole day, I didn’t even have a proper break to talk to you. I’m sorry,” he murmured and attempted to stand up.

Won pressed him back to the floor and continued massaging his shoulders.

“The one who is exhausted is you. You didn’t even cheer up when I tried to turn a cartwheel in the back and failed. Are you sure that you should accept so many people with problems if you create your own by doing that?” the boy asked and huffed in dissatisfaction. His voice sounded less rough and more like that of a young man.

“It’s because I hadn’t had my cigarette yet. Everything feels better after I smoke.” He sucked in a long breath and walked the few steps to his coat, pulling out one Lucky Strike. He didn’t even know why he always bought the one brand, maybe because it was ridiculous. ‘Lucky Strike’ what was it supposed to mean? That you got lucky? There was no such thing. Smirking at his own thoughts, Hoseok walked to the window and opened it wide, flame playing with the tip until he saw the burning tobacco as he inhaled roughly, repeating the whole thing a few times.

“Isn’t that an addiction? Like sleeping pills?” Won asked and followed him to the window, leaning out briefly to look down at the evening traffic. “I thought you see people to prevent stuff like that.”

“It is indeed an addiction. I guess more a psychological one because I don’t increase my intake and I never smoke except after work. But you’re right, it is an addiction and I embrace it. It’s a new experience to have a voice behind me to tell me that I’m addicted while I smoke. Usually I’m alone.” He closed his eyes and took a deep drag, feeling his lungs constrict a little and kept the smoke inside, enjoying his bodily response.

“Does it make you happy?” Won asked and tilted his head a little, like he was thinking about his words and what they could possibly mean. “You said you embrace it, so you like it, right?”

“Happy? You’re talking about happiness a lot, I wonder why? But to get back to your question: I smoke to feel something besides exhaustion. It’s nice. The way my lungs constrict and how I get a little cold and feel the temperature differences better, how my skin reacts with goosebumps and how my brain feels light.” He wasn’t used to talking, but verbalizing his thoughts was also nice. He kept his eyes closed and enjoyed the sensations that gained in intensity when he eliminated visual input.

“Does that mean you usually don’t feel like that?” the black-haired boy asked and reached for his wrist with the cigarette, squeezing it a few times before letting go. “Why don’t you feel?”

“I do feel, but it’s usually a similar range of emotions, the ones on the lower spectrum. Comes with the job. On the other hand, I can’t allow myself to feel too much because I have to keep a clear view and provide the perfect treatment. Mental health is similar to physical health in a way. The doctor has to be absolutely sure and extremely focused to not make a mistake, to recognize the problem and try to treat it in the best way possible. What’s hard are the reasons for the problems, the additional factors, the outside world, people, ah it’s a lot. Anyway, what about your hyposensitivity? Can you feel my wrist?” Hoseok finally opened his eyes and looked to the side, focussing his gaze on the black-haired boy who was observing him intently with his red eyes. Now that they were close and a light shone right into the boy’s face he could tell there was a hint of yellow around the iris.

“Yes,” Won replied and nodded to support his reply. “I can feel it, but that’s not really the point is it? It’s more about you and finding happiness within your profession. Why do you exhaust yourself so much? Won’t you make more mistakes like this and then you will be upset?”

“Why is it not the point? It definitely is a point. At least for me. You haven’t eaten anything either.” Sighing, he took another drag and threw his head back, eyes shutting automatically as he waited until the familiar prickling sensation spread on his skin and he exhaled grey, colorless fog.

“Neither have you and you’re the one who can die from it,” the black-haired boy muttered and poked his stomach, lips pressed into a thin line. It was strange to have somebody overly concerned for his well-being.

“But have you seen my body? I keep myself healthy, you don’t need to worry. Actually, you worrying about me is the one thing that makes the least sense out of everything that’s happened until now.” He knew that smoking with his eyes closed was stupid, but he still did and of course burned his lips, wincing quietly and licking over the burned spot. “Let’s go back, I guess you still don’t have a home, am I right?”

“I see, ‘keep myself healthy’, huh?” the younger man mocked him and reached out to press his index finger to the burned spot. It was really cold in comparison. “Of course I am coming with you. I am your guardian angel. Have you ever seen angels live somewhere other than with the person they protect? You are really naive about this whole thing.”

He sighed. What else was he supposed to say to a person with hallucinations and delusional thoughts? He couldn't explain to a clinic where he found the boy in addition to the fact that he didn't have any belongings with him. Hoseok had checked his clothes before. There was nothing.

The young man’s finger was really cold though, so he stared at the hand that the boy kept next to his mouth, looking for any signs of circulatory disorders. It looked okay. No different from his own hand as far as he could tell.

“You’re cold.”

“You’re burned,” Won replied and stretched out his tongue playfully, finger remaining in place and free hand taking away the cigarette. “You are a danger to yourself whereas I am doing great in comparison. I will help you from now on and everything will be cheesecake and butterflies.”

“But I don’t need help. I’m doing fine. I usually never burn myself because I don’t have to answer questions about my feelings when I smoke. I’m more worried about you. Let’s go back home and drink a hot tea and you tell me this story about guardian angels and whatnot.” Smiling he pursed his lips in a kiss against Won’s cold digit and grinned. He was extremely tired, it felt even more exhausting than usual, maybe because he kept thinking about the black-haired boy and how to help him. Slipping his arms into the sleeves of his coat, Hoseok caught himself at the thought of wanting another smoke.

_It’s an addiction._

“You shouldn’t smoke another, even if you want to,” Won remarked and Hoseok realized that the boy hadn’t taken off his jacket throughout the day. “I- I don’t like it.” Shaking his head in a quick motion as if to get rid of his thoughts, the boy returned his attention to him and went ahead, opening the office door.

_He doesn’t like it when you smoke?_

“I don’t really have much to tell you about it apart from somebody wanting me to make you happy, but maybe you will finally believe me.” Won sighed dramatically and brushed through his black hair, red eyes bright.

_Somebody? Definitely sounds like Schizophrenia._

Hoseok sighed and asked himself whether the genetic mutation of the eye color had something to do with the delusional state the boy was in.

_But your patients can’t see him._

“Why do you want me to believe you? Do you think that it will change something?” he asked, even though he knew it and attempted to keep it to himself. Instead of waiting for an answer, he ran down the stairs until he was out under the night sky that showed a few stars, unlike the evening before.

The boy ran after him, struggling a little and holding onto the railing until he finally stopped next to him, not breathing heavier despite the obvious effort.

“I want you to believe me so that we can focus on the matter at hand instead of whether I ate, am cold, have a home or whatever it is that you are constantly thinking about. It’s about you for once, Hoseok. I am here for you and I don’t need you to be there for me.” Won smiled and pointed at the tram that was about to arrive.

“That is not how it works with me, Won. There is no way I will stop caring, no matter whether you’re a stranger with new onset schizophrenia or my guardian angel, or a devil that came to get me, it doesn’t matter at all. That’s why I said that it won’t change.” Sighing, he walked slowly towards the tram stop, watching the one Won pointed at drive away.

“That’s because nobody tried hard enough. You have no idea how hard I can try. First of all, I will make you food once we are back home.” The black-haired boy nodded to himself and stepped a little further away from the people that joined them to wait for the next tram. “So they don’t change their mind and go by foot,” he explained and Hoseok smiled at that, staring at the building on the other side of the road and counting the windows that were lit up. There were less than last time, it meant that he stayed longer today.

“I’m sure that you can try your best and that you’ll be able to achieve whatever you want, you seem really strong to me,” he murmured, before the lit windows were blocked from his sight by the arriving tram.

“And you seem too concerned about other people’s misery. We’ll work on that,” Won remarked cheerfully and grabbed his hand, pulling him into the tram. The black-haired boy sat down on the same seat as before and only waited for a moment before pulling Hoseok onto the seat next to him. A middle-aged man with a laptop bag stood up as soon as Won came close. “What do you like to eat, Hoseok? I will look up how to make it. Until now you have only cooked noodles or made chicken salads. There was also that chicken breast shake but- let’s not do that.”

“I usually don’t cook, I make a protein shake in the evening, work out and go to bed. Apart from yesterday, yesterday was an exception because you broke into my house. Ah- by the way, why did you ask about the ring?” He lifted his hand and looked at the metal that curled around his finger perfectly.

“For the record, I didn’t ‘break in’, I opened the door. And the ring is what told me that you are the right person, the one whose guardian angel I am.” Won rubbed his sneakers over the floor and held onto the seat tightly, eyes remaining on his face throughout the tram ride.

_He must’ve seen it somewhere and associated with it._

Sometimes patients saw an object when the psychosis started and associated something special with it. Maybe it was the same in Won’s case. Exhaling softly, he watched the buildings pass by and leaned back against the metal surface, feeling how sore his muscles were. He must’ve been unusually tense during the sessions. Probably because of the additional company. It was strange to be continuously surrounded by someone 

“And what do guardian angels do?” he asked absentmindedly, recognizing the familiar street and getting up quickly to not miss the station where they had to get off. Won followed obediently, careful to keep his distance from the people that wanted to enter the tram.

“They figure out what makes their person happy and unhappy and increase the first while reducing the second. They also make sure that their person doesn't get hurt. If one of your clients tries to hurt you, then I will protect you.” Won smiled again and lifted his left arm, slapping his own thin bicep. The explanation was really cute and so was the black-haired boy’s behavior. Too bad that he wasn’t religious.

“It sounds adorable, but life isn’t like that. We live and get hurt and sometimes it’s bad but sometimes it passes and we learn something from it. I think you might have made a mistake. There are so many people who are hurt and need to be protected. There’s no way that I would be the one who’d get someone to protect me.” Sighing, he continued walking, slow steps on the grey concrete.

“You’re wrong. I watched you for a week and I’m not sure that you’re really living. You have to become hopeful again, go out, do things, cook something that is not a chicken breast. Talk to people that don’t want to tell you about their problems. Things like that are important! You were the one who told the boy today to go out and experience something else, but you don’t listen to your own advice.” The black-haired boy nodded for emphasis and ran ahead. He stopped at the door to his apartment complex and stared at his own hand for some reason, wiggling his fingers.

Hoseok disagreed, but sighed and pulled out his keys. There was no use discussing it because Won didn’t seem to possess the capacity to understand, so he simply didn’t answer and opened the door instead, running up the stairs until he reached the door to his apartment.

“This is unfair, I need practise, but you just open the door,” Won muttered and pouted, leaning against the wall and staring at him.

“What practise? To break into my house? I’m definitely insane, but I’ll give you a set of keys, you don’t need to practice. At least until you had enough of watching me treat people and smoke and want to go back home. I hope you’ll consider going back home.”

The black-haired boy rolled his eyes and stopped his hand that was just about to insert the key.

“I don’t want a key, I want to practise dematerializing. It could be useful to help you later,” he elaborated as if he was talking about the weather and not about turning himself into specks of dust.

_You’ll stay here for hours, won’t you?_

“Can’t we just go in? I still want to work out and my legs are already giving out at just the thought,” he whined and attempted to put the key back into the keyhole.

“Fine, but only because I know you are scared of believing me and want to stay with the impression I have schizophrenia or whatever.” Won shrugged and let him unlock the door, lips pursed. The younger man slipped into the apartment as soon as the opening was wide enough and began fumbling around in the kitchen.

“It could also be mania,” he murmured, sighing again at the other man’s activity level he wished he had. “Don’t bother, Won. I’ll just make my shake and do a few exercises. Tell me what you’d like to do.”

“Cook,” the low voice called from the kitchen and Hoseok heard a package of something being ripped open. Suddenly there was more shuffling and Won’s head appeared next to the entrance to the kitchen. “Unless it makes you unhappy of course.”

“I think your red eyes are really cool,” he commented while his fingers automatically began to unbutton his shirt as he moved towards his bedroom to change into workout clothes.

“I can also sit on you while you work out,” Won exclaimed and ripped open another package, some kind of meat this time. Hoseok lifted his eyebrow but was glad that his guest didn’t see when he finally understood what the black-haired man meant.

“I think you’re too light,” he yelled back and slipped into his shorts

“Fine, then I’ll cook, so that you have some good food when you are done straining your body. I never understood that, all that- effort.” Won sounded like he was talking to himself while cooking, voice getting quieter and louder depending on where in the kitchen he was. It felt nice to know that the young man was busy with something, so he could give into his thoughts and feel the burning in his muscles as he repeated the same movement over and over again. The sweat collected at his temples and forehead, running down his nose and neck as he barely managed to get up from the floor. Feeling even more spent, but at least without a guilty conscience, Hoseok took a pair of fresh underwear, sweatpants and a black top and closed himself in the bathroom. It was really nice too. He realized that he hadn’t been alone for the whole day, it was a little exhausting.

Again, the hot water relaxed his aching muscles and washed the sweat away, leaving him smelling like tangerines and with smooth skin, slightly pinkish due to the increased blood flow. His reflection looked healthy as he sat down on the edge of the bathtub after getting dressed. He closed his eyes and inhaled the moist mixture, slowly filling his lungs before emptying them out again. Some time must’ve passed, but he had no clue as he had taken off his watch. Remembering that he had a guest who cooked a meal for him, he jumped up, almost fainting at the sudden movement and held himself up against the wall. Inhaling a few times and moving his calves rhythmically, he finally felt aware enough to open the door.

He was immediately met with Won’s small face, plump lips in a pout and big, red eyes focused on him. The boy was holding a plate with a steak and some salad next to it. The salad consisted of the last few tomatoes he had, cut into small pieces and cucumber cut into irregular slices.

“You took a while, but you look healthy. Is this enough protein?”

“Let’s see whether I’ll stay healthy after eating this. It looks really good though.” Smiling, he inspected the content of the plate. “You know that in ancient times poisoned food looked even better than the healthy one? So the intended victim would definitely eat it?” He didn’t know why he said that, but compensated by quickly getting a fork and a knife and cutting a piece of the steak, stuffing it inside his mouth and chewing furiously.

“I appreciate your trust,” Won commented quietly and kept holding the plate like he was Hoseok’s new table, hands flat and eyes observing him as he chewed. After swallowing the meat, he took the plate and put it on the table, gesturing for the black-haired man to sit down.

“Aren’t you going to take off the jacket? Or are you still cold? Should I make the temperature higher?” He reached for the boy’s slim wrist and pressed his finger against it just to realize that it was really cold.

“Oh, I forgot,” Won commented nonchalantly and slipped the jacket off his shoulders, running to the hallway to hang it up. Once he returned he sat down across from Hoseok and watched him eat. “Is it nice?”

“It tastes really good, thank you so much for putting so much work into it.” He smiled and nodded. “Are you trying to make me happy?”

“Is it working?” Won asked back and grinned, cheeks lifting up and finally reaching his eyes for the first time.

“You have a nice smile,” he said, before stuffing another piece of meat into his mouth. “How do you feel?”

“I don’t know. It doesn’t really matter. The question is whether you are feeling as good as you look right now. Your cheeks are all red and your eyes are shiny. I feel proud.” Won grinned again before the smile fell and he played with his hands. “Oh, thank you for the compliment. I forgot.”

_Look how happy he is, only because he thinks that you’re feeling better._

“You’re welcome. I’m happy that you feel proud. You did an amazing job with the food, it’s super tasty and I can’t remember the last time I ate something this good at home. You still don’t want to eat?” Hoseok let his head rest on top of his palm as he watched the young man across from him.

Won groaned in frustration and brushed his bangs away from his forehead. His red eyes got a little brighter in the process, plump lips pressing together into a thin line.

“What do I have to do to make you believe me? I am not human like you, Hoseok. Not really at least. I can dematerialize, people don’t see me unless I force them and I can tell when people lie and how they feel. I am happy you aren’t lying about my food, but I can tell that you don’t believe me.”

He sighed and put some of the salad on his fork before putting it into his mouth carefully.

_Why does he want you to believe him. Why does it matter?_

“Let’s say you’re my guardian angel. You will cook for me and clean my house until I become happy and hopeful? I don’t think this will work and it’s basically using you as my housemaid. I won’t do it. You need to make me happy to be able to go home? I’ll be happy, only for you, will you return then?” He stared at the boy’s red eyes that seemed even brighter.

“It- It doesn’t work like that, Hoseok,” Won muttered and chewed on his bottom lip, turning it a deep red color in the process, almost like his eyes. “I can tell when you aren’t. You cannot pretend. I don’t know how to make you happy yet, that’s why I am doing household chores. I don’t have another approach so far, but I will find it, I promise. I only need some time and to get to know you better, less from watching and more from talking. You need a person next to you that makes you happy and we can try to find that person. Would you like that?”

_No._

“Listen carefully to what I’m going to tell you. First of all, the concept of happiness is a flawed one because it’s only a very limited time we consider if we think back, it means there’s no way for you, or anybody else to make me ‘happy’. Secondly, how can someone be happy only through the presence of another person? It’s not a pill, Won, it doesn’t fix you and it doesn’t make you love the world or yourself, so that won’t help either.” He closed his eyes, attempting to think about how to make the black-haired man understand his point when there was an unfamiliar sound of his doorbell ringing. There were two possible guests who would come to his house at this time of the night. Either it was a patient who had found out his private address or-

_Don’t open._

He didn’t want to, but it could be someone who needed help, or a neighbour, so he got up slowly and made his way to the door, inhaling sharply before opening it and meeting familiar brown eyes.

“I’m back from China,” the visitor said, smiling brightly

“Marvellous,” Hoseok replied.

 

***

The man he was supposed to take care of, Hoseok, was much harder to convince than he had expected. Even after Won played around, talked at the back of the room or turned a cartwheel, Hoseok still didn't believe him about people being unable to see him or that he didn't need food, drink or warm clothes.

Their discussions were pointless and despite the small success of his steak, Won felt like he was continuously wasting time. Had he been skilful enough to figure out what Hoseok really needed, the task might have already been taken care of, but he wasn't.

He had no clue and was stuck with trial and error, that is until Hoseok elaborated on how hopeless he thought his mission was.

_He thinks the concept of happiness is faulty and that a single person won't be able to make him happy._

Suddenly it made sense, the thought patterns and the mess of emotions that the black-haired man had towards him, concern, worry, disbelief, again concern.

_He is convinced that nothing can change about his life, that he's set in a routine that won't give him satisfaction._

Won was just about to point that out when the bell rang and he frowned a little. Another person meant that he would be irrelevant to the conversation again.

_Or you will learn something valuable._

Hoseok didn't elaborate, but the hint of guilt that transformed into pure terror told Won its own little story. It seemed like the older man spaced out on his way to the door, opening it without even bothering to tell him anything.

Won followed and leaned against the wall in the hallway, examining the person that was in front of the door, saying something about being back from China. The terror on Hoseok's face was another sign that the person was most likely not welcome.

_If Hoseok doesn't like him, you can chase him away later._

Won stared at the man in detail. He had brown hair and was Hoseok’s height, just way slimmer and with a bright smile. Nothing about the newcomer was intimidating or uncomfortable.

“Who is this person?” he eventually asked out loud.

Hoseok didn't turn around and simply stared straight ahead.

_Smart, then the guy won't think he's mental._

“What gives me the honour, Hoseok?” the black-haired man asked the other man and kept looking through the open door.

_Hoseok? Another Hoseok?_

Won moved from the wall towards the door and stopped next to the coat rack to have a proper look at the new man called Hoseok. This was getting confusing and he hadn't figured out the first Hoseok yet.

“You have a new number, don't you? I thought you said that you won’t change it in case some of your clients call. I'm disappointed.” The slim man slipped past Hoseok and looked around, completely ignoring him. “It hasn’t changed at all, wow, I'm impressed. How long has it been? A year?”

“One and a half,” Hoseok replied and finally turned around, letting his arms hang loosely at his sides. It reminded him of complete resignation. “Why are you here?” the black-haired man asked his visitor.

Won was furiously collecting information. They knew each other from a while ago and hadn't seen each other, for a year and a half and Hoseok’s apartment hadn't changed in that time. All those things still made sense. The question was why the Hoseok that he knew was upset.

“Why are you asking? Weren't you sad that I left back then? You are the first one I'm visiting. My suitcase is in the car.” A short smile appeared, complimenting the wide eyes. “You didn't change, you got broader, but your face is still the same, it's insane,” the other man whispered and looked at Hoseok with a mixture of hurt and affection.

_Why are you so slow on the uptake? They must be really good friends that had an argument. Or something._

Recognizing emotions was really not helping Won to understand.

“I was sad. But I'm also extremely tired now, I had a hell of a day and I can't wait to drop dead. Can't we talk tomorrow? Or next week? Or when you're back next time? Or not at all?”

_He doesn't want to talk._

“Do you want me to chase him away? He makes you unhappy,” Won remarked but didn't step closer to the other man yet. Hoseok hadn't answered and if the new person was important, then chasing him away was bad. It might have made Hoseok sad.

The older man shook his head, dark eyes fluttering shut.

“I know that you don't want to talk. I'm not stupid, but I have a lot to tell you and I'll definitely come back. I'm only leaving now because I know that you won't move out.” The brown-haired visitor turned to Hoseok and closed the distance, leaning in and kissing him all of a sudden. The kiss was deep, something that friends wouldn’t share, intense and somehow also aggressive. Leaning back, the visitor smiled once and left. The door closed and there was only him and his Hoseok who leaned against the wall with his eyes closed.

_They cannot be friends then, can they?_

“Something tells me that making you happy just got a hell of a lot harder,” he murmured quietly and moved closer, bending his knees to look at Hoseok’s face properly. “I would hug you but I probably feel like a frozen popsicle and I'm really not good at touching people. It's- really awkward and unnatural.”

“I'm sorry about that,” Hoseok whispered and slipped past him, walking towards the bathroom and closing the door behind himself.

Won pursed his lips and tried the handle, only to realize that the door was locked. Leaving the other man alone was bad though, he could get even more upset.

Licking over his lips in concentration, he watched his hand for a few moments until it turned transparent and he slipped it through the bathroom door. He fumbled along the other side of the door until he reached the lock and turned it. Once the door opened, he pulled his hand back but didn't bother to test his fingers. There were more important things to take care of.

“Are you okay, Hoseok? Did that man make you sad in the past?” he asked as his eyes finally focused on the black-haired man. He was sitting on the floor, leaning against the bathtub with his face buried in his arms that rested on top of his bent knees.

“I must've made you up.” The older man didn't look up and stayed in his current position. “But I didn't make him up, did I?”

“You didn't make either of us up,” Hyungwon commented and gave up on the whole notion of being a frozen popsicle. Grabbing Hoseok’s arm, he wrapped his own around it awkwardly. “Is this- okay? I can stop if it's too cold.”

“Ah, at least my imagination asks for consent. I have to write that down, it's hilarious.” The other man chuckled before exhaling roughly against his own knees. “I should work less. Or more. I don't even know at this point.”

“Less,” Hyungwon commented and hugged Hoseok’s arm tighter. He had no idea what the black-haired man was talking about, but it didn't sound like he was in his right mind. He had to convince him that he wasn’t a product of imagination, but real. Hoseok had to understand. “If I was a product of your imagination, then I would be prettier. I would consist of the things you like instead of, I dunno, being a beanpole.”

“I don't know what I like. Being alone and smoking, maybe. But the human brain is impressive, it really is, I have to do diagnostics tomorrow,” the older man muttered and got up, rubbing over his face repeatedly before walking to the sink and washing it with cold water and brushing his teeth.

“Let's sleep,” Hyungwon tried again and wrapped his arms around the older man's waist. It felt like Hoseok was trying to ignore him.

_He thinks you are a hallucination._

There was no answer as Hoseok tried to move as if he wasn't there, walking along the corridor and listening to his steps as he did before, taking off his clothes as he did before and curling up in the blanket as he did before he knew that Won was there, next to him.

_He thinks that you shouldn’t be here, so he's ignoring you._

“I was trying to tell you that I'm not human,” he whispered and sat down on the bed, knees pulled up to his chest and fingers feeling the fabric of his jeans. The sensation was more intense than he was used to. It was already too much, he didn't want to feel anything.

“I'm sorry,” Hoseok whispered quietly next to him.

_He's not, if he was sorry he wouldn't ignore you. They're all like that, apologizing but not meaning a single word._

“Will you- will you talk to me in the morning?” he asked and stared at the vague form, covered by the blanket.

“I don't know. Should I embrace my insanity? Isn't it strange? You're obviously a figment of my imagination, but I feel so sad not talking to you even though we’ve only spent one day together. I shouldn't be feeling like this, right? I should just ignore that you're there and get a diagnosis and treat it with medication and therapy and not be sad, worried and concerned because I imagine how you must feel sitting next to me and being ignored.” There was shuffling and the dark gaze settled on him as Hoseok turned around. The eye contact brought instant relief and he felt the strange sensation of heaviness and lead leave him.

“I'm not a product of your imagination. I'm real, I promise. Look-” Won reached out and touched the older man's warm cheek with his index finger. “It's cold, isn't it? How could you imagine sensations like that? I'm real, really real. I'm here to make you hope again, but you need to talk to me for that to work.”

Hoseok didn't reply, only his eyes looked as if they were talking. Watching him intently, Won realised, that the other man’s eyes weren't talking about hope at all.

“I can prove to you that I'm real. I can touch another person and show you how much it scares them,” he tried and crawled a little closer. The gaze scared him, but he didn't know why. The sensation was unfamiliar and made his limbs seem even colder than they usually were, cold enough to feel it.

“I- I'll show you, I promise,” he whispered and felt his legs tremble. He couldn't feel cold, but here he was, fingers pale and knees shivering.

_Why are you feeling so much? You’re not supposed to._

“A human brain is capable of a lot of things, even sensations like this,” the black-haired man whispered and he felt hot fingers curl around his wrist. “You know what's sad? That I even managed to make my own hallucination feel sad. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry, Won. I didn't mean to.”

“I'm used to being hurt,” he whispered but didn't know where the words came from. They tasted like poison on his tongue and he coughed. His eyes were wide as he turned towards Hoseok and focused on the single connection between their bodies, the pale fingers around his wrist. “Is there… something that a hallucination cannot do? I will do it.”

“You want to prove it so badly? Why? Now that I think about it, you're too detailed. I can hear your voice and I can see you, usually it's less specific and more as an episode with objects. But- there is no other explanation. Can you read my thoughts? If you're from my brain you should be able to read my thoughts. Just do what I think about.” Hoseok closed his eyes and breathed calmly.

Won stared at the other man, conflicted about what he was supposed to do. He could only identify his emotions, not read his thoughts.

“I- I can't read your thoughts, Hoseok,” he muttered helplessly and shifted closer. “I don't know what you want me to do.”

The dark eyes opened slowly and the black-haired man smiled. He looked tired. Really tired.

“You don't know? I guess it's good then. If something happens and you aren’t here when I wake up- just know that I really liked you staying next to me, even though I prefer being alone. Thank you.” The curved lips moved one last time before Hoseok fell asleep, features relaxing after a few seconds and grip loosening around his wrist.

Won should have let go, allowed the older man's hand to fall on the sheets and busied himself with something useful, something that might have made Hoseok happy. He should have stood up and cleaned away the dishes, washed more clothes and cleaned the bathroom, but he didn't.

His slim body remained on the bed, knees pulled up to his chest and one hand wrapped around Hoseok’s forearm, focusing on the warmth that it transferred onto his cold skin. It was against what he had learned over the time he was able to move and act, but he knew he was going to do it anyway.

_You will stay here, just like this._

He wanted to be the first person Hoseok saw when he woke up.

***

The familiar brown eyes, the pain and longing that felt like poison, a terminal disease spreading inside his body, a lost case, poor prognosis. The intimate touch against his lips opened a carefully hidden wound, one he never bothered to treat, one that he forgot was there, under the thin layer of his skin. It was painful and it burned in his lungs, in his stomach, in his eyes, it burned his senses and his will to speak. Hoseok didn't think about the reason Hobi didn't pay attention to his visitor, he just wanted to disappear along with the painful memories and the flames inside his chest.

The door was locked. He locked it, but still the slim figure got inside, wrapping his cold limbs around him. He knew then. He knew that he was the one with the problem, the one who hallucinated about a guardian angel coming to make him hope again. He didn't think that he was this needy for affection, for somebody who pretended to care, but apparently he was.

Hoseok knew that he needed help, that he had to diagnose himself, to treat it, but the sadness suddenly filled his lungs instead of the pain that had been there a few seconds ago, sadness that Won would disappear if he received treatment. Did losing one's mind feel like this? One knew that it wasn't supposed to be like this, but the prospect of getting rid of it seemed even worse? Did Hoseok need a person next to him so badly? Even if it was a hallucination? A beautiful hallucination with ice-cold hands and blood-red eyes that pretended to be his guardian angel. He would have laughed if he wasn't on the edge of crying. He had underestimated it. Everything. His mental health, his lifestyle, his tendency to overwork himself, the open wound that still hurt whenever his thoughts brushed over it absentmindedly.

He didn't want to feel the warm kiss lingering on his lips, he wanted to forget, to replace. He thought about how cool Won's finger felt when he burned himself with a cigarette, he wanted to feel the coolness again. If it was his hallucination he should be able to tell it what to do. He thought about the boy's long fingers stroking over his lips but nothing happened. Instead the low voice told him that there was no way for him to know what Hoseok wanted. He had to sleep but he was scared that the black-haired boy would be gone when he woke up. Still his eyes closed and he sunk into intimidating and empty darkness.

_

His head hurt. It was the first sensation after he woke up. His eyes were still closed and he inhaled, filling his lungs until there was no space for air anymore before exhaling all at once. His thoughts slowly returned and recounted his previous evening. Hobi, Won, the red eyes he saw before he fell asleep. Suddenly, he didn't want to open his eyes anymore.

Time continued passing gradually with each of his breaths until there was a shift in weight next to him, barely perceivable. He could only feel it at his hips that sank a little deeper into the mattress. The blanket that covered only half of his chest lifted, cool air taunting his hot skin, and was pulled up to reach his neck.

_He’s still here._

“You’re not gone, are you?” he whispered, afraid to move.

“I won't leave until you find hope again, Hoseok. I can't leave,” Won's low voice replied. It sounded rough again, probably because the boy hadn't used it throughout the night.

“I must be extremely desperate, the brain is impressive, really.” Sighing, he opened his eyes and removed the blanket from his chest, it was warm, too warm.

“You still think that you made me up, don't you?” the black-haired boy asked and crossed his arms. He was sitting on the bed, legs folded under him and observed him carefully. “Your apartment is still clean from when I took care of it, your food is sorted in the fridge. How do you explain that? I didn't do anything last night because I watched over you, but I could have cleaned again!”

“Usually the person with the issue does it, but doesn’t remember. Like in trance. I must’ve cleaned and attributed those actions to you as a subject of my imagination. But I must be really creative, I have no idea how I came up with red eyes. They look gorgeous.” Hoseok sat up and tilted his head. The blanket pooled at his hips as he observed the black-haired boy intently. He was still wearing his clothes. If he was honest, the hallucination was too real and was too independent for the usual psychotic symptoms, but he was the one with the issue, so he couldn’t be sure that this was the way it was supposed to be.

“I think your imagination is creative for coming up with all of these explanations instead of finally believing me that I'm here to help you. Can't we just agree to figure this out and then you'll be all on your own again, as you wish.” Won sighed and brushed through his hair. “My legs don't work again because I sat here for so long.”

“You should be able to get up and walk. Hallucinations don’t have weird circulatory issues,” he murmured and got up, not caring about only wearing underwear. There was no point in remaining decent in front of a made up figure.

“But I keep telling you, I'm real!” Won exclaimed and struggled to get up. His legs resembled machines that he had forgotten to oil. It took a few attempts for the boy to slip down from the bed and another two to make a step towards Hoseok. His long, bony fingers held onto the wall as he clenched his teeth in dissatisfaction. “What do I need to do for you to believe me, Hoseok? First you don't believe me that I'm a guardian angel and now you don't even believe that I'm real.”

“It’s easy. I made you up because apparently I’m needy for a black-haired young man with red eyes who takes care of me and acts as if he is only here to make me happy. Do you understand how ridiculous this is? Of course I made you up, there is no such thing in real life, Won. Why are you called Won? I have a cousin who’s name is Hyungwon, I guess that’s why.” He sighed and kneeled down, propping himself up on both arms and started doing push-ups. Hoseok remembered how physical activity was an effective part in treatment of mental health issues.

Won didn't reply and only froze in place. From the corner of his eye he could see that the black-haired boy was trembling, knees slowly bending and allowing him to sink to the floor. There was something off about him as his red eyes changed comically, widened in shock on his small, round face.

“What’s wrong?” he asked and stopped in the middle of a push-up. His gaze settled on the young man’s face and he crawled over quickly, curling his fingers around his cold, bony shoulder and shaking him a little. “I guess I can still upset you. I’m sorry. I’ll stop.”

“I… don't want you to say that name anymore. I hate it,” Won whispered and clenched his teeth. His hands were curled into fists and Hoseok could see his veins protruding from the effort.

_Hyungwon?_

“But why? It’s my cousin’s name, I like him. There is nothing bad about the name. Actually it’s pretty, I think it sounds nice, soft even.” The shaking didn’t help, so he took the boy’s wrist, pulling at it lightly. “Listen, I didn’t mean to upset you, really.”

“Just- don't say it anymore,” Won whispered and blinked a few times. The tension in his muscles disappeared slowly and the boy gave in to Hoseok’s tugs.

“Fine.” Sighing, he let go of the cold wrist and got back on his feet. No matter whether Won was his hallucination or not, he needed to get dressed and go to work, preferably early enough to do some diagnostics on himself.

The black-haired boy remained on the floor and blinked a few more times until he suddenly jumped up and ran to the kitchen, as well as he could with his barely moving legs that is. The switch was sudden, like Won simply forgot what he had been worried about a moment ago.

“I'll make you coffee! Two!” he exclaimed and Hoseok heard the coffee machine turn on. Coffee was good, so he got dressed in the meantime, picking nice, black suit-pants and a comfortable white shirt out of his wardrobe. Clothes managed to establish a certain order in his life. As soon as he wore professional attire, he felt as if he was in control. As if his life was in order and there was no imaginary person in his kitchen, making coffee for him. Hoseok didn’t know how to deal with it yet. Was it right to talk to the image? Was he supposed to ignore it and try to live as if it didn’t exist? He didn’t know, but he planned on reading up on it. There was enough relevant literature at his office.

“You don’t need to come along today. I’ll just read up on my condition and work as always,” he murmured while entering the kitchen and jumping up on the clean counter.

Won let the coffee machine fill a second cup with coffee while he took out the first cup out of the microwave. He had added the right amount of milk, same as the day before.

“I'm almost done!” he commented and placed the cup next to Hoseok on the counter. “I don't really have anywhere else to go apart from to the office with you. I could go for groceries, but I have no money and people might end up just giving me the food to make me disappear. That might be stealing then and that's bad. I'm a guardian angel, I'm supposed to be doing good things, kind of.”

The whole concept didn’t make sense to him. He must be worse than he thought for his brain to come up with something as strange as this.

“Want me to give you money?” Hoseok couldn’t believe that he was conversing with his hallucination.

Won contemplated that for a few moments before nodding and hurrying over to the fridge. He examined the contents intently and grabbed a pen from a small container that was attached to the fridge with a magnet. Scribbling on his own palm, he chewed on his cheek. When he was done, he pulled out a package of milk and prepared the second cup of coffee, warming it up in the microwave.

“Then you will take care of your clients and I will make sure you eat other things than chicken, okay?” he asked and held out his hand, probably waiting for money.

“I'm going crazy,” he whispered and pulled a fifty euro banknote out of his pocket, placing it into the boy's palm. “Never mind, I am crazy.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 13th of May at 2 PM CET.
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His feet didn't make much of a sound as he passed pretty houses and familiar shops. He had watched Hoseok for long enough to know the neighbourhood by heart. He knew where he could find a supermarket, what it offered, which products the older man usually bought and where he went to withdraw money from his account. Won could have even done it himself had Hoseok given him his credit card.

But humans were careful with their money and the black-haired man didn't even believe that he was real.

Sighing, he listened more intently to his steps, trying to determine whether they were loud enough. Could hallucinations make sounds? Probably, if Hoseok was convinced that Won was one. He tried to be louder by stomping his feet, but it still didn't sound like the man a few meters behind him, going in a different direction. He had to find a different way to make Hoseok believe him. It was difficult to fulfil his purpose if the older man believed that he was a product of his imagination.

_Unless he decides that he needs to be happier because he conjured you out of desperation._

It was possible, but Won didn't like the thought much. It meant that the older man wouldn't really talk to him and just consider him to be ‘fake’, similar to the way he had the night before. Won didn't remember it too well, but it had hurt, in a familiar way even though he didn't know how it could be familiar.

The supermarket wasn't far and the fifty euro note was safe in his right hand, curled up because he had played with it on the way. It was still better than folding it, so he felt relatively proud of himself. Won was also glad that he knew the meaning of money and how much different products cost. The knowledge had to come from somewhere, but he didn't know where, there were no memories to tell him.

_Do humans remember the first time they saw money? Or a cup? Or a dog?_

They probably didn't. It was irrelevant knowledge that was filtered out and Won's head had done the same, successfully.

Entering the shop, he made sure to avoid most patrons and walk around them, leaving plenty of space. He didn't want anybody to starve because he decided to go to their favourite supermarket. When an elderly man stared at tomatoes for several long minutes, Won stood a few meters away from him, waiting patiently. He was a guardian angel now, so he had to act like one.

The shopping list he had written on his palm was a little smudged, but he could still read it. He was lucky that he wasn't the one eating the dishes because something about the colourful vegetables he placed into his little basket was utterly revolting. He still needed them, for Hoseok to eat healthy. There was everything he remembered the older man telling his clients about, vegetables, fruits, diary products, some meat and a few bars of chocolate to make sure life wasn't sad.

Once he collected everything in his basket, he stepped towards the cashier. At first he wanted to wait until everybody was done before paying, but time passed and the line of people only grew. There was no way he could buy everything without staying at the shop until it closed.

Sighing, he joined the line and hoped that the people that stepped out of it and returned to the depths of the alcohol department would try to pay a little later, when he was gone.

Getting in line was sufficient to make everybody else leave, even the woman that was right in front of him and had wanted to pay.

“I forgot something,” she murmured and turned right back around.

“Can I- can I pay first?” Won asked carefully. He knew that the woman wasn't going to return unless he left.

The cashier didn't pay any attention to him and scanned his products, cancelling the previous order. It was fast and he happily packed everything into a t-shirt he had brought, tying the edges together. He hadn't found a bag and Hoseok had left before he was able to ask.

He placed the money close to the cashier to separate it from his body and make it easier for the man to see it. He was busy scanning and once he was done he automatically announced the total and grabbed the note. Fumbling around he placed the change on the same spot Won had put the money and turned away, staring in the direction of the bigger part of the shop.

_He's waiting for real customers._

Chewing on his cheek, he collected everything quickly and left in a hurry. He didn't want to keep the people from shopping peacefully only because he, a foreign entity, needed some vegetables.

The structure of his day was clear. He was going to get the food home and then join Hoseok in his office. Maybe he could help him somehow, make more coffee or tell him when a dangerous client was lying. He wanted to be helpful.

_Maybe shopping is a good start._

He nodded to himself and walked a little faster. The staircase was empty and so was the apartment when he snuck in. Won opened the knot of the t-shirt and sorted everything into the fridge and the correct drawers. Only a bar of chocolate remained on the kitchen table. He wanted to take that to Hoseok’s workplace to cheer him up.

The path was familiar and he didn't even notice the time passing when he arrived in front of the older man's office door. He could have opened it carefully by slipping his hand through it, but Hoseok might have been shocked and his client would see the open door. That was probably disturbing, so Won decided to challenge himself.

_Maybe you can step through it completely._

He stared down at his slim body, a beanpole if he was honest. It couldn't be that difficult to slip this body through a wooden door. He closed his eyes and imagined the single bits of his body disintegrating, turning into fine dust that only stayed together because he wanted it to. The particles floated next to each other until he willed them to connect again, to become Won. Won the guardian angel that came to earth to make Hoseok Lee happy.

Pursing his dust lips, he started with his hand, slowly inserting it into the door. Then his shoulder and leg followed. Only when he slipped both arms and one leg through the door he felt confident to pass through completely.

His body entered Hoseok’s office and he blinked a few times to get his physical mass back into place. Wiggling his fingers and toes helped, so he did that as his eyes finally focused on the black-haired man. He was sitting at his desk and filling out some form, concentrated gaze scanning the words that were written on several sheets of paper. There was no client in sight.

_You could have knocked._

“Hi,” he said and waved his right hand. Hoseok turned around slowly and stared at him for a few seconds before returning his gaze to the form and writing something down furiously.

_Is he ignoring you again?_

“I shopped,” he muttered and stepped closer. Whenever the older man ignored him there was pain in his chest, like someone was holding a candle against it and making his intestines melt.

“Here is the money,” he added and placed the change on the sheet of paper that Hoseok was trying to fill out. A brief glance revealed that it was something called Young Mania Rating Scale. The black-haired man was answering questions about delusions.

Won sighed and covered the questions with his big palm, the money hadn't been enough apparently. There was an unpleasant feeling bubbling within him and he couldn't place it. He only knew that he wanted it to disappear.

“You didn't even check if I am real, you only assume that I'm not,” he exclaimed and pursed his lips. “I went shopping, I used real money and I even tried to make sure none of the other people stopped shopping because of me! If you want me to I'll talk to somebody, but it makes them uncomfortable.”

_What do you need to do to make him believe you?_

“I can’t be sure that you’re real even if you talk to somebody because I could be imagining it because a part of me wants you to be real in a way. It’s a complex psychological process that I can’t describe yet. I think I lost my mind and now I can’t be sure about anything. Is it paranoia?” the older man asked into nothing and shook his head. A warm palm landed on top of his and Hoseok finally looked at him. “You’re cold and you know what’s even more ridiculous? That I still worry about you. I’m sad if I feel that I upset you.”

“I'm cold because my blood doesn't move, Hoseok. Do you want me to show you?” Won asked and grabbed one of the pens on the other man's desk, holding it over his palm. It was a way to erase the shopping list that was still covering his skin. “I might not be human, but I'm real. I think and feel and have a purpose. How can a hallucination be this detailed? Shouldn't I be looking like somebody you find attractive? Like that man that visited yesterday?”

Something in Hoseok’s eyes changed so dramatically that it was terrifying. The older man must’ve been aware of how he looked because he immediately buried his face in his arms that he placed on top of his desk. Won didn't need his abilities to know that he had said something hurtful.

“Just give up,” the low voice whispered.

_There is no giving up. There is only success or endless attempts._

“I can't. I can only leave when you- when you hope again, Hoseok,” Won whispered and carefully returned the pen to the table. He didn't know why he suddenly grabbed it, ready to hurt himself to prove that he was real. “I don't know why I grabbed the pen, I'm sorry. It's probably stupid. Can I… do something for you? Can I hug your arm?”

“Why is it me? There is nothing special about me, Won. I’m just a workaholic who can’t say no. There are so many people out there who need someone like you. People who really need a beautiful person who cares for them, so they can learn to love themselves. There is no point in sticking to me. There really is none. Believe me.” Won could only see the raven-black hair spread over Hoseok’s pale, bare forearms, creating a contrast between black and white.

_That's why it's him, because he needs you the most, believing that he doesn't deserve you._

“That's why it's you, Hoseok. You are so convinced that other people need it more, forgetting that you are a person like everybody else. Why do only others need somebody next to them? Why do only your patients have to eat healthy and require somebody to support them? The ring told me that it is you and at first I didn't understand, but the more I see of you, the better I understand it.” Won smiled and carefully wrapped his fingers around Hoseok’s arm, pulling it away to be able to curl his body around it. “I'm with you because you need me.”

“Maybe you’re the part of my brain that tries to make me work less,” the older man whispered but refused to lift his head from the desk. “So you’ll disappear when I become hopeful?”

“Yes,” Won replied and nodded to emphasize the words. It was a habit in case his voice wasn't loud enough or couldn't be heard. He wasn't too sure when he had developed it. It seemed to be ingrained in his behaviour. “Let's work on it together, okay? Maybe we can start by going home early and cooking something tasty. I bought lots of stuff!”

_If he decides to work on it himself it will be easier. Then you can finally disappear._

“I see.” Hoseok stood up absentmindedly and took a cigarette out of his pocket, lighting it and exhaling the grey smoke out of the open window. There was a hint of regret when the hot arm escaped from his grip.

It felt like Won had only made the older man unhappier since his arrival.

_Or it is because of the other Hoseok._

“Who… was the man yesterday?” he asked and tried to ignore the anger at seeing the cigarette in Hoseok’s hand. He didn't know where it came from and why he felt it, but he wanted to rip it from the black-haired man's fingers and stomp on it with his foot.

“A person I was in a relationship with a long time ago,” the black-haired man replied and took another drag, closing his eyes and throwing his head back while his fingers curled around the window sill.

“So he made you happy before, but now he doesn’t?” Won asked next and stepped closer. He tried not to focus on the scent because it felt strange, indescribable. It was something to avoid.

_Maybe it means you need to help him stop smoking._

Hoseok didn’t reply, inhaling and exhaling the grey-blue fog and swallowing once in a while. Again the other man must’ve burned his lips, but this time he didn’t make a single sound, only rubbed over his upper lip briefly and put his cigarette into the ashtray.

“He was living in a different country for a year and a half. It’s been a long time. I can’t even remember whether I was happy or not.”

“You- loved him back then, didn't you? Then you must have been happy,” Won replied and observed Hoseok carefully. His right hand reached out almost automatically to touch the burned spot, like it was what he was meant to do. “Did you want him to stay?”

There wasn't enough knowledge in his head about situations like this. He had no idea how to comfort or how to make the older man feel better. Won knew nothing about human love, or love in general.

_You only know that it isn't meant for you._

His eyes widened at the thought, but he kept his fingers pressed to the burned spot on the older man's pretty, curved lips.

“Double yes, but life is not like that. Life is: you like someone, you get attached, the person leaves. Or disappoints in a different way, but in the end it’s all the same.” Hoseok’s dark eyes examined his face intently, before the broad man took a step back, turned around and walked to his coat, taking it off the hook and putting it on.

“But you can find new love. People do, don't they? Maybe that's what I'm here for, who knows.” Won smiled and wanted to also put on a jacket until he realised that he hadn't bothered to take his. He was cold most of the time, so he hadn't even realized. “It's probably not the same when it works out. It's worse when there is nobody to love you.”

“I don’t want to find a new love. I'm already attached to you even though you're just the product of my imagination. What do you know, Won? As a guardian angel or whatever you call yourself to make me feel better.” Hoseok sighed and left. He heard the quick steps that sounded in the stairway as the older man ran down.

_He's afraid to get attached?_

He ran after the Hoseok and was thankful that he had been moving the whole day. It wasn't that dark yet and it was nice to see the sun rays. He couldn't feel them, not really, but seeing them was enough.

“You'll forget when you're happy. I won't matter all that much then,” he whispered and grabbed Hoseok’s forearm, holding onto it to not be abandoned on the way home. Hoseok said nothing and continued walking towards the tram stop, placing one foot after the other and looking deep in thought.

“What are you thinking about?” he asked and held on tightly, all the way to the stop and into the arriving tram. “I'm not a hallucination, so I can't read your thoughts. Maybe I would be more effective if I was.”

“I'm trying to find the point at which everything went wrong,” Hoseok whispered, still not looking at him and pulled his phone out of his pocket, scrolling through phone numbers, before pressing the call sign and holding the device against his ear. A few moments passed before he could hear a female voice.

“Everything is fine with me. I just wanted to ask whether I had any imaginary friends when I was little.” The older man looked at the buildings that passed them by.

“I didn't? Okay. Thank you. Bye, mom.” The call ended and Hoseok put the device back into the pocket of his coat.

_His mother?_

Won was feeling absolutely lost at this point. He was holding onto Hoseok when they arrived and he still held onto him on the way to the apartment.

“Do you think I am your imaginary friend?” he asked and squeezed the muscular arm. “Imaginary friends would be better at cooking. I learned recipes by heart the day before yesterday to be at least decent.”

“I know nothing besides that you shouldn't be next to me,” the older man replied and stopped a few meters before the entrance of his apartment complex. The brown-haired man from the night before was sitting on the stairs, wearing a leather jacket and playing with the rips in his jeans.

_He came again._

Won immediately stepped back but kept his fingers on the older man's sleeve.

“Oh, here you are,” the low voice exclaimed and the man jumped up and closed the distance. “You're early today, I thought I might wait for another hour or two.”

Hoseok stepped back almost automatically and simply stared at his guest, before finally deciding to speak.

“I don't know whether I'm in the mood to talk now. Maybe we shouldn't talk at all and keep it as it was. It was okay during the past year, wasn't it? There's no reason to start now.” The older man walked past and took out his keys.

_He doesn't want to speak to that man but he's hurt independent of whether they talk or not._

“There is a reason. You still live alone, don't you? It doesn't suit you.” The brown-haired man curled his fingers around Hoseok's wrist and the older man jerked at the feeling, so different from how he reacted when Won touched him. There was no time for him to speak without interrupting, so he didn't.

“Come in,” Hoseok replied and sighed, holding the door open for the other man to enter.

The guest must've been familiar with Hoseok's apartment as he got rid of his shoes and walked straight into the bedroom, lying down on the side of the bed where he sat awake the night before.

“Do you want him here?” he asked and slipped out of his sneakers, putting them next to the brown-haired man's. Won only remembered because Hoseok did the same, removing his shoes and taking off his jacket without a word.

_Isn't it rude to just go to somebody's bedroom?_

Won had done the same the first time he showed himself to Hoseok, but it was different. He wasn't human, nobody had to care about him.

“I can cook for both of you, will that make you happy?” he asked next and reached for Hoseok’s arm again. It seemed like he only existed for as long as they touched.

“Don't bother, it's fine,” Hoseok replied and followed his guest.

_And now you're gone again._

“What do you want, Hobi? I can't think of anything you might need from me,” Hoseok began and stayed a few meters away from the man on his bed.

“I'm back, I missed you and realized that you're everything I've ever wanted, so I'm back to make you happy.” The other man smiled and sat up on the bed crossing his legs.

_But that's what you are here for._

Won made his way into the room and leaned against the wardrobe. This Hobi was very confident, smiling brightly and acting like he lived in the spacious apartment. Stretching out his arms, the brown-haired man jumped from the bed and walked over to Hoseok, embracing him tightly. Won felt really out of place, even if only Hoseok could see him.

“Fuck, don't do this to me. Please just go back. It's really bad timing, I-” The older man closed his eyes and clenched his fists, lower lip trembling.

“But you still like me, don't you? That's enough, you don't need to be head over heels, it's enough if there's still something left, I can work with it. I'll cook you food and we can talk the whole evening like before, you can work less and I'll make you feel so good that you'll forget that there was a break in the first place.” The way the brown-haired man hugged Hoseok's waist was different, there was something about the way his hands stroked over Hoseok's sides as he spoke.

_It's attraction, isn't it? Affection and care._

Won felt bitter as he watched them. The disgust and anger appeared without warning and burned a path from his head to his chest. He could have set the house on fire with the intensity of the unfairness he felt. Why was he helping somebody that received so much love? Nobody had helped him.

_What are you thinking? Why would anybody help you?_

His eyes widened and he stopped in the middle of an action, hand reaching for the unfamiliar man, but pulling back.

_You want to disappear, so fulfil your purpose._

“Is there- something bothering you, Hobi? Did something happen?” the older man asked suddenly and curled his fingers around the other man's shoulder, attempting to look into his eyes. It was silent before Hobi loosened his embrace and left the room. Hoseok ran after him and was offering help, for the other man to come to his office, to talk. After a few minutes of whispering there was the sound of the door closing.

Won could only read emotions, he couldn't listen in on conversations, not without forcing Hobi to leave. His body barely moved, desire to curl up and lie on the ground spreading through his muscles.

“What's going on?” Won asked, discomfort rising as the minutes stretched on. “What's happening?” He felt like somebody else and he hated it, he wanted to be Won.

“His relationship broke apart, that's why he's back.” Hoseok looked like a robot, undressing mechanically and gaze unfocused.

_Replacement, he feels like a replacement._

“Do you- hate him?” he asked carefully and climbed on top of the bed, legs crossed and arms wrapped around his body.

“No, that would be easy, right? But no. I just feel empty.” Remaining in underwear, Hoseok slipped under the blanket and closed his eyes.

_You can try._

Pressing his lips together, Won lifted the blanket and slipped under it. It was the second time since he began to live with Hoseok that he lay in the older man's bed. His fingers were shaking when he reached out and carefully wrapped them around Hoseok’s middle. He remembered the way it had looked, how Hobi had rubbed and stroked along his waist. Closing his eyes he tried it, moving his thumb carefully and letting the rest of his fingers dance over the hot skin.

“It's- it's too cold, isn't it?” he asked and kept his eyes closed. If he didn't open them, he couldn't tell if Hoseok was disappointed.

“No, but it's some kind of next level hallucination,” Hoseok whispered, exhaling sharply.

“I'm not warm or anything, but maybe- maybe it helps you a little.” He swallowed and slipped a little closer. He was worried about pressing his chest against Hoseok’s back because it might have been unpleasant, so he didn't. Only his hands moved, up and down, up and down, just the way he had seen it. “Don't let that man hurt you. He didn't lie, but he also didn't show the affection he spoke of.”

“I know that it's embarrassing, but can I hug you?” Hoseok asked quietly, before turning around and looking him in the eyes.

“Only if you want to. I'm cold, and bony and-”

_No-one ever wants to hug you._

His eyes widened again but he caught himself quickly. Of course nobody hugged him, they couldn't see. In addition, he didn't need hugs, it was only for others, for Hoseok, to feel better. “If you can take the cold, please do,” he whispered and stretched out his arms.

“I'm also cold. On the inside, I guess.” The black-haired man reached out carefully, curling his muscular arms around his waist and pulling him into a hot embrace. His chest was flush against Hoseok's body and he felt the other man's chin against his shoulder just like the strong hands holding him close and enveloping him.

Instead of feeling like he had experienced it before, like crossing a street or cooking a steak, it seemed new. There was nothing about the embrace that screamed deja vu and told Won that he had felt it before, that there was a person that embraced him before.

“It's- really nice,” he whispered and squeezed his eyes shut. His hands travelled upwards, along Hoseok’s arms until they reached his neck. Was it a friendly hug? A consoling hug? He didn't know. He could only say that it was a nice hug, warm and calming. He could have stayed in the same position for hours and it would have been okay.

“It is. Can I stay like this a little longer?” Hoseok asked quietly, the warmth of his naked skin easily transferring through Won's clothes.

“As long as you like,” he replied and buried his face in the older man's neck. He could feel everything so well, the warmth, the touch, the breaths tickling his skin. All of it was suddenly intense, a press of fingers instead of a brush. He could feel Hoseok's soft lips against his shoulder before the other man's breaths became regular and he fell asleep, still holding him in his warm embrace.

Won lay there, arms wrapped around the older man and wondering if humans embraced because of the warmth and the calm that accompanied it. He felt at ease even though he had wanted to feel cold again. It wasn't even late yet, only early evening, but Hoseok had fallen asleep nevertheless.

_Cook when he wakes up again. He might not sleep through the night._

Lying as still as possible, he placed his flat palm on Hoseok’s shoulder and let it warm him. It almost felt like the blood was rushing in his veins.

Almost.

 

***

He woke up shivering a little, arms holding something tightly and unwilling to let go. He was cold, really cold, as if he slept in a bathtub for a while and the water started cooling down his body, gradually lowering the temperature until it got dangerous. He opened his eyes but it was still dark, only a pair of shiny red orbs were watching him intently.

_Won._

It was cold, it was, but he still kept his arms around the young man's body, palms pressed against his back that seemed rather broad for his build, at least from his waist upwards.

“You're freezing, aren't you?” the black-haired boy asked quietly and shifted, putting a little more distance between their bodies. “I didn't want to wake you up, so I didn't move. Are you hungry? It's 2AM, but that's better than not eating at all.”

“No, I'm not hungry. Did I force you to stay? I'm quite strong,” he murmured and smiled, loosening his embrace a tiny bit, enough for Won to move but not enough to run away.

_You could ask him why he reacted so strongly to the name. To Hyungwon._

“Why don't you want me to say the name? Hyungwon, I mean? Is it your real name?”

Hoseok could feel the boy tense and his muscles contract in a spasm as Won tried to escape the embrace.

“It's not, it's not my name. I'm not that person,” he muttered repeatedly and shook his head. “He's gone.”

_So it is his name._

“That person? It's just a name, Won. I already thought that Won was probably not your real name,” he murmured and stroked over the young man's back carefully. “What's your real name?”

“It is my real name!” the black-haired boy exclaimed and shook his head again. The dark strands covered his forehead and fell into his eyes as he moved. His eyes got even brighter, as if they reflected his emotional state. “I’m Won, I am only Won.”

_He's not._

“Then why are you so sensitive? Are you sure? I like the other name too.” He leaned closer, watching how the colour changed in the other man's eyes.

“No, I'm Won. Only Won,” the black-haired boy muttered again and Hoseok could feel his thin fingers press into his shoulders. He seemed uncomfortable in his embrace.

“Are you uncomfortable? Do you want me to let go of you?” he asked and removed his arms carefully, chewing on his lips.

“No, it's not your embrace, it's-” The black-haired boy bit down on his bottom lip and shifted a little, long legs sliding over his own briefly.

“Let me cook for you. I need to make you happy.” The words were an immediate switch, like the discomfort disappeared and Won forgot everything that happened before.

“But I don’t want to eat. I want to lie here next to you,” he whispered, making no attempts to get up, only his hands returned to the blanket as he curled it around himself to get warmer.

“But I make you cold. I could- prepare a bath for you.” Again the boy shifted, but he didn't try to escape his embrace anymore. “I like it, but I don't want you to be ill because of me. Then you will be unhappy again.”

“My physical health is not what makes me happy or unhappy, you dummy. At least at this point in life. If you go now, I’ll start thinking how I’m super stupid for agreeing to give my ex-boyfriend therapy to get over his past relationship. God, I’m such an idiot.” Hoseok slipped further under the blanket and covered his head with it, grunting in frustration. He was indeed extraordinarily stupid.

_A hallucination and your real ex-boyfriend getting free therapy from you. It can't get worse, can it?_

The boy pulled at the blanket, attempting to lift it. When it didn't work, Hoseok felt the mattress shift and the blanket lift away from his feet. Won was climbing under it from the bottom, sliding along his whole, mostly naked, body until he reached his face. The slim boy wrapped his arms around his neck and pressed his face into his skin. Had Won not been wearing a shirt the difference in temperature might have made him flinch.

_Oh god, good that you didn’t sleep long enough for a morning erection._

“You don't need to offer him psychotherapy. If you want someone to hug you and rub your waist, I can do that too! I learned it,” he murmured.

“You learned? I’m glad that he didn’t do anything else, oh god.” Hoseok swallowed and asked himself why he was hugging his hallucination. The complexity gave him a headache. Won was too real for a hallucination, his speech and his actions were too detailed and independent for him to be something he made up. At the same time other people didn’t seem to notice him and he could walk through doors.

Hoseok sighed. The walking through doors was too much.

“Anything else? You said you liked the hugging!” Suddenly Won hesitated and shifted. “Or not? Are there other things that make you happy?” Both of them were still completely covered by the blanket and surrounded by complete darkness. Won’s eyes were bright despite the lack of light.

“No. You’re too innocent for this and definitely too innocent to be something I made up. I really liked hugging you, it gave me peace of mind. What about you?” Hoseok realized that he kept exhaling against Won’s neck, but he never felt the younger man’s breath.

“I like it too. It seems to be something I haven't done before. Usually I can tell if I've done something because my body does it automatically. You know, like riding a bike. You do it and then you understand that you have done it before, but all of this is new. Do you do this a lot? Does it make you happy?” The boy's lips spread into a smile, he could feel it against his skin, but there were no exhales.

“I can’t remember the last time I was hugged. It depends on the person. Usually I don’t want to hug, but sometimes I do. Like tonight and with you.” It was interesting that the young man could tell that he hasn’t hugged before. “You don’t breathe, do you?”

“Oh,” Won commented and inhaled before exhaling. It wasn't natural, like a chore he needed to do for Hoseok to be satisfied. “I don't have to, but I can if you like.”

_Why doesn't he breathe?_

“I’m wondering what you are,” Hoseok whispered in the dark and watched the red eyes that looked at him, surrounded by the darkness under the blanket. Suddenly he remembered the red blink in the corner of his eye when he had left his office and on the tram on the way to his apartment. “Have you been following me? What do you know about me?” Suddenly it started getting scary.

“I followed you for several days. I watched you talk to clients, be at home, work out, shop for meat and protein powder and sit on your bed and stare at the ceiling. That's why I know how to make your coffee!” Won sounded like he was proud of himself, still smiling and talking quickly, right into his ear. “I told you, I'm a guardian angel. That explains it the best way.”

_Holy fuck._

“But there is no such thing, Won. You’re too complex to be a hallucination, but you’re not breathing and your skin is so cold,” he murmured and reached out, touching a spot on the young man’s neck.

“Because I'm not human, well- not really. I thought about this when I woke up, I guess I'm a human frozen in time.” Shrugging, Won placed his right palm on his naked chest. “You feel so hot, like my blood is boiling even though it doesn't even flow.” Hoseok smiled at that, liking the cool sensation as he got warm again.

“Frozen in time, you say.” He thought about the other man’s words and inhaled, asking himself whether Won had a scent. Curious, he came closer and sucked in a breath right next to his lips. It was faint, but a scent was there. It was like fresh grass and honey, a mixture Hoseok hadn't expected. “You smell nice.”

“I do? Let me smell you too,” the boy exclaimed and pressed his nose into his neck. “It's nice, does a scent mean something? Do you like people that smell good? Also, is it something special to talk under a blanket? It feels a little different, warmer and more secret.”

He laughed at that, brushing a strand behind the boy’s small ear.

“Yes, I like it when people smell good, and no, it’s not something special. Or actually it is, because I hid here and you found me.” He smiled but the other man probably couldn’t see it anyway. It was dark and the only thing he could see were the red eyes, watching him. “But what do you like? I know that you don’t like apples.”

“I- I don't know. Am I supposed to like something? I like emptiness and quiet,” Won whispered and blinked a few times. The slim boy pushed his shoulder back and suddenly lay on top of him. Won was light, but he could still feel his body shift on top of his. “You're warm, so- I hope it's okay.”

“It’s- yes it’s okay,” he muttered and tried to accomodate to the new position. “If you like emptiness and quiet, you must like it the most when I sleep.” Hoseok smiled and lifted his arms, putting them under his head.

“No, because nothing is happening. I'd rather there be nothing at all, no awareness, nothing.” Won stared at him with his red eyes and placed one of his long legs between his. “Don't you want everything to fade someday?”

Slowly he shook his head as he watched the boy on top of him.

“Doesn’t matter how hard it is, fading won’t fix it. I’ve seen it. You know, dying is not the only way to stop existing, there are so many other ways, we humans are really creative. That’s not a very smart idea. Even the color that I suck from the cigarette smoke, is still better than no color at all. In addition, you only see the people who come to me in the process of getting better, empty and colorless. Sometimes I see them in the city after the treatment is long over and they laugh and talk and look happy and I know that it’s possible, you know? I gladly keep their blackness to myself and see them smile.”

“Do you- take it from them, Hoseok? Is that what you do? You take their bad thoughts and keep them for yourself, so that they can be happy?” Won asked and he sounded shocked, lips trembling and fingers tightening on Hoseok’s skin. It was emotional, unlike his usual expressions.

“That’s very descriptive and metaphorical, but in general it’s them paying money, emptying a bucket of black over my head and me giving them tools to work with the freed up space until they more or less stop collecting the black in the bucket. But if I see some of them outside, feeling at ease, it makes it worth it, you know? I know that I could help and there is a person who is happier now, willing to live and enjoying life.” He sighed, remembering his last patient who was in remission and was doing amazing. Unfortunately she had acted as if she didn’t know him because mental health care was still taboo, even though it was 2019 and people and society should’ve known better.

_Great attribution, Hoseok._

“But- what do you do with all the black, Hoseok? Does it disappear?” The younger man placed his hands next to Hoseok’s head and pulled his body forward until his small face was right above his. “Do you keep it inside you?”

“I guess I do. Maybe I'm like a machine, I chew on it and swallow it down, before telling the person how to deal with it. And then-” Hoseok thought about it, looking to the side to not get distracted by the big, red eyes. “And then I exhale it when I smoke,” he lied.

“That's-” Won leaned even closer and he felt a cold hand turn his face back, red eyes staring at him, “a lie.”

“Fancy.” Hoseok wiggled his eyebrows and smiled. “Fine, I don't know. Maybe I keep it and some day it evaporates. Or not.”

“I want it to evaporate. I want to free you from all the pain that you are covered in,” the black-haired boy whispered and lifted the blanket, letting in a little bit of fresh air. The bit of light showed Hoseok his smile, it was beautiful, cheeks lifted up and eyes crinkled. “Your breaths were a little ragged. There must be too little oxygen for you.”

“Yeah and as I'm human and you're lying on top of me-” He smiled back and sucked in a deep breath, pushing Hyungwon upwards with his chest. “I'm also nervous.”

“Nervous? Why would you be nervous?” Won wiggled in surprise, careful not to roll off his body accidentally. “Also, you're really strong. This reminds me of playing airplane on top of somebody. Oh- it must be a memory or something, strange.” The black-haired boy blinked a few times and pursed his lips. He seemed confused by his own words.

“Well, you're very close, so it feels a little dangerous,” he whispered but kept his arms behind his head. “You probably remembered something from your childhood.”

“Maybe, I don't see why anybody would play plane as an adult. Did you do that when you were little?” Won grinned a little and sat up, jeans-clad thighs landing on each side of Hoseok’s waist. “I don't have many memories, most of them are facts or motions. How about you?”

“I have my own memories and also those of the people who share theirs with me and change me by doing so. I might have played plane as a child. Actually my life consists of memories.” He shifted under the young man and looked up. It must have been four in the morning already.

“What is it like? When you have so many memories? Do they come to you all the time? I cannot really imagine it, because for me everything is only what I see and feel right now. I like it though, it's less scary than some of those intense feelings.” Won began to play with his fingers, grabbing one and pulling at the skin repeatedly. It looked like a nervous gesture even though his face seemed more in thought than nervous.

He observed the boy intently, trying to imagine what it would be like to feel and see while only having the present moment. “I always have some kind of context, I guess.” He sighed because he still had no clue. “What kind of intense feelings do you mean?”

“Well, when…” Won trailed off and looked to the middle of the room. “When the other Hoseok embraced you, right there.” The black-haired boy pointed at the spot. Suddenly his face lit up in realization. “Oh, that's a memory, isn't it?” Hoseok hummed in agreement and remembered himself, memory unpleasant and so complex that he immediately attempted to forget, shiver passing through his body.

“You react similarly, but less desperate,” Won remarked and nodded to himself. “There was that moment over there and also when you- when you said that name I don't like. It's too strong and I don't like it. I want my perceptions to be bland and then to fade away into nothing.” The way the younger man spoke about fading away was disconcerting, like it was beautiful and freeing. One might have thought he was talking about becoming a rainbow instead of simple blackness, nothing.

_He knows nothing._

“I'm sorry that you had to watch. But intensive feelings are good, they make you feel alive, Hyungwon,” he whispered barely audibly.

It was quiet until Won slowly leaned closer, bridging the distance between their faces.

“I'm not Hyungwon. Hyungwon is dead,” the slim boy hissed and his eyes lit up, enough to leave a red shimmer on his cheeks. His whole demeanour changed, switching from innocence and playfulness to anger and hostility.

“Are you sure that you're a guardian angel? Like this, you look as if you're going to eat me alive for saying your name.” Hoseok finally removed his hands from under his head and placed them on top of his stomach.

“It's not my name, it's the name of a dead person.” The boy's voice was lower than before. While staring at his plump, parted lips and his chest, Hoseok realized that Won was breathing, rapidly. The black-haired boy was sucking air into his lungs and pushing it right back out. Won was talking about a dead person while breathing as if he was alive.

“I see. You didn't like him?” He lifted his hand and reached for Won's wrist, wrapping his fingers around it carefully.

“A waste of precious air,” was the brief reply as the boy broke eye contact and breathed roughly until he suddenly stopped. It felt like he was in a movie when red eyes met his again, relaxed and as if nothing had happened between them.

_There's a story he doesn't want to tell._

“Either way, I don't like intense sensations, they are- I don't know, like something ugly is dripping down my throat and into my chest. It's different when you embrace me, then it feels like my blood is boiling!” Won smiled brightly as if he hadn't just threatened Hoseok with his eyes alone. The younger man squeezed him with his thighs in excitement before he suddenly stopped and his smile fell again. “But- when he hugged you I thought that you might not need me anymore. He said all those things that I do, cooking for you, making you happy. I don't want to fail without having tried. I want to be the one to make you happy.”

“Nobody is waste of air, buddy. And regarding Hobi, he was simply searching for a short term replacement for the wound in his heart, thinking that I'd do it because I always do.” He sighed, realizing that he had done it again.

_Hobi knows that you'll do it._

“I guess,” the black-haired boy whispered but didn't elaborate on what he meant. “Will you let me cook for you now? I want to make you smile, genuinely, not the way you smile when you say that you are fine or offer people help.”

He smiled and let the slim wrist go.

“Whatever makes you happy, Won.”

 

***

His mind was much more cluttered than it usually was. Won felt like somebody had opened it like a cupboard and ruined the careful arrangement he had prepared. A lot of cups were removed, memories. Without memories it was easier to sort, fewer cups to take care of. The only exception were the cups that remained alone, the ones that had no similar cup because the memory cups were gone. But Won didn't mind that too much.

_You only mind the name._

Each time the older man spoke it, it felt like he grabbed a cup that he hadn't noticed before and put it right to the front, impossible to ignore. Won wanted to lash out and make him stop, to cover his mouth with his big palm or to escape the room, hide somewhere where he was alone. But it was cowardly to run away. He had told Hoseok he was a guardian angel and he had to behave like one. Even if his ultimate goal was his peaceful departure, his task was that of a guardian angel.

Fumbling around in the kitchen, he dropped a cup and it shattered on the hard kitchen floor, shards scattered in all directions and sound echoing in his head.

He didn't know what he was doing until he was already on the floor, picking them up with his bare hands and muttering an apology.

_Who are you apologizing to?_

He didn't know, there was only the awareness that he had to, that something terrible would happen unless he repeated the words. His hands hurt a little, but the pain was vague, like touching a rough surface. There was no blood to escape his veins, so Hoseok’s kitchen floor was safe.

“What happened? Are you hurt?” Hoseok's low voice asked as the broad man crouched down next to him and took his hands to look at them.

“I dropped a cup and broke it, I'm so sorry, please don't get angry,” he murmured and tried to continue collecting the shards, ripping one of his hands out of the older man's grip. He had to make them disappear.

“Why would I be angry? I would only get angry if you hurt yourself because of a cup.” Hoseok took both of his hands and forced him to leave the shards on the floor before pulling him up and pushing him into a chair. “Let me take care of this,” the black-haired man murmured and grabbed the broom, cleaning the kitchen floor quickly.

“But I don't bleed, it doesn't matter,” Won explained and wondered why he cared so much and needed to pick up the pieces. Maybe because it reminded him of his own mind, easily shattered because of a single name.

_You want to erase the shards like your thoughts._

It could have also been another memory. The discomfort was there, dread dripping down his throat. He was feeling too much again.

“It matters to me, because you matter to me,” was the other man's short answer as he smiled.

_That's what they all say._

The sudden bitterness was new to him and Won tried to ignore it, watching the way Hoseok applied some cream to the cuts on his hands instead.

“Thank you,” he replied and thought about whether that was a good thing or not. He was going to leave in the end, so maybe Hoseok shouldn't care too much about him.

_But you are the step to happiness. Once he is hopeful and happy your departure won't be much of a problem._

Won couldn't wait. It felt like he had already done the first step and the task of helping the older man was the only thing separating him from disappearing for good.

“Do you- believe that I'm real now?” he asked instead of sharing his thoughts.

“I don't know,” Hoseok replied absentmindedly before carefully placing his hands on his lap. “But you're my first thought when I wake up in the morning.”

“That's because I sit there the whole night, watching you!” Won exclaimed and grinned. He was glad to be on Hoseok’s mind, that meant the black-haired man wasn't trying to ignore him or forget about him. “I prefer it when you don't wear clothes, you are warmer.”

“Makes sense.” Hoseok grinned and got up, making himself a coffee. The older man was wearing sweatpants without a shirt, probably because he rushed to the kitchen after hearing him break the cup.

“You see how nice it is to go home earlier? You went to bed earlier, got up earlier and have a _lot_ ,” Won spread his arms for emphasis,”of time before you need to go to work. What would you like to do? Work out? Eat a nice breakfast? Take a walk? Call your mother?”

The last one hadn't really been in the black-haired man's routine, but he thought it might be nice. Interaction with more people was important, that's what Hoseok told his clients sometimes.

“I almost never call my mother. And now that I know you're fine, I'll sleep some more.” Hoseok stretched and yawned, defined muscles on display. It looked nice, so Won stared. The answer told him what Hoseok planned on doing next, but not what Won was supposed to do in the meantime. He had to help somehow.

“Sleeping is also good, but- why don't you call her? Aren't you close?”

_There you go, Won, figure out why he's all by himself._

“Not really, but there are a few things only she knows, so I have to call her sometimes.” Hoseok smiled in reassurance, as if Won was the one who needed to be reassured.

_But he doesn't have friends either. He didn't meet with anybody the whole time you had been watching._

“Hoseok,” he began and jumped up, returning another clean cup to the cupboard but without dropping it this time. “Have you always lived alone like this?”

Won knew that he hadn't. That much was obvious from Hobi's words and the way he knew the apartment by heart.

_But you want him to tell you himself._

The older man stared at the cupboard Won put the cup into for a few moments before replying.

“No. I lived with Hobi for four years.”

“Four years?!” Won yelled and accidentally threw a fork down that missed his foot by a few centimetres. His coordination wasn't the best apparently. He was lucky that he barely felt anything, be it pain or something else. “That's such a long time! What happened to make it stop? Do you- do you miss it?” He was a little worried that the black-haired man would become unhappy again, so he quickly collected the fork and put it in the sink.

“I don't know. Maybe I do, maybe I don't. I guess that's why I got used to you being next to me so quickly, even though I'm never among people. Not in private at least.” Hoseok ignored his question, took a glass and filled it with water before drinking all of it in one go. His adam's apple was bobbing as he swallowed, clearly visible with his head thrown back.

_He doesn't want to talk about it._

“Well, you have me now, so you're not alone, right?” Won smiled brightly and moved closer, stopping right in front of the older man. He was going to be cheery because Hoseok had to become hopeful. “At least I'm not a ghost! You can touch me and hug me and talk to me. We can also do fun things, like- I don't know. What fun things do you usually do?”

“Drink? Smoke?” Hoseok laughed and reached out, stroking over his head gently. “It's true, you're next to me now. I don't know why and I'm sad because your goal seems unreachable, but I'm also a little happy that you're here.”

“You're happy that I'm here?” His grin only widened at the knowledge. It was a first step which meant he was getting closer. “That's awesome! Now we will make sure that you are happy about other things too. Drinking and smoking are bad, so that's not on the list. Also- you told your clients not to drink alone and I wouldn't be able to drink with you, so it would only be you. Do you like- ehm- board games? Computer games? Movies?”

“Listen, I'm thirty years old, you can't tell me not to drink and smoke if those are the only things that make me happy. I have a TV, but I never watch anything. I sometimes drink and read, but that is a solitary activity. You can work out with me,” the older man said and poked his index finger into Won's arm. “It might be good for you.”

A feeling very close to terror spread in his chest at the prospect of working out and he shook his head furiously. There was no way he could do that.

“I'm glad if I manage to go down the stairs, how can you propose for me to work out? Oh god- I'd rather watch or sit on top of you.” There were really not many options for them. Won had vague memories of watching TV, but he couldn't tell what or whether he had even enjoyed it. There was only the flickering of a screen and emptiness. Again he shook his head to get rid of the image, he didn’t like it. Hoseok standing in front of him in his sweatpants and with his round, black eyes was much better.

“Why would you sit on top of me? To increase the weight? I doubt that your weight will make a difference. Also, if you want to go down the stairs properly, you have to work out.” Wiggling his eyebrows, Hoseok put the used glass into the dishwasher. “What do you like to do, Won? Let's do something that you like.”

“Oh, I didn’t think about increasing the weight. I thought I could sit on you to- well- participate. It’s about doing something together, right?” He pursed his lips in thought. Hoseok was right, he didn’t really weigh much and if it was about making the workout harder, he wasn’t going to make much of a difference. But he could cheer for him, or read him a book. “I don’t really know what I like, but I could combine a few things you like. You could work out and I read you a book, or- pour alcohol over you? No, that’s a bad combination with drinking. I guess reading and working out is the only combo that makes sense.” He was thinking out loud and didn’t really pay attention to what he was saying. Maybe it didn’t make sense, but he wasn’t used to running around and having to think about activities yet. Won only observed them, he didn’t really do them.

_Back then you couldn’t even stand up to go shopping._

He had no idea where the thought came from, but he simply ignored it as usual.

“Fine, I see where this is going. Let's just watch a movie.” Hoseok disappeared into the bedroom and came back wearing a hoodie. “But I might fall asleep.”

_Oh no, he wanted to sleep._

“I forgot! You said that you want to sleep. It’s fine! You can sleep and I will clean up some more, or move my legs to make sure they don’t-” _Fall asleep. That’s what they do._ “Fall asleep! I figured it out, Hoseok. That’s what happens. I sit around and then my body falls asleep and there is all that tingling and I can’t walk properly. Oh my god.” He jumped up a few times to test out his legs and ran over to the older man, pulling at his hoodie to get him into the bedroom. “Sleep! I’ll watch over you.”

_Why are you so happy? Are you trying to compensate?_

“It's fine, buddy, I’m dressed now and too lazy to undress again.” Hoseok took him and pushed him towards the living room and onto the soft couch. Won really liked sitting on it because it resembled a cloud. It was how he imagined it would be when he wasn’t aware anymore, floating like a cloud of nothing. But if the black-haired man was lazy, then it was something he could help with.

“I can help though!” he exclaimed and reached for the hoodie again, pulling it up and uncovering the older man’s abdomen. Won was close enough to see how sculpted it was, like the men on the magazine covers in the supermarket. “You look like the cover of Men’s Health.”

“You think I need help undressing? Why are you so funny?” Hoseok laughed loudly with his mouth open and removed his hands, pulling the hoodie back and covering his bare torso. It was a little upsetting. Won would have loved to look at it for longer, to examine it properly. “You like Men's Health?”

“Oh, not in particular. I only saw it when I went shopping. The man also had a really sculpted body and you could see all the lines like with you.” He pointed at Hoseok’s chest even though it was covered now. “It looks really nice, makes me want to follow the lines with my fingers to find out what it feels like.”

“Like muscles, I guess.” The older man looked in thought, examining the DVDs on the shelf. “But you hugged me, so you probably know what I feel like.”

_Do you?_

Won tried to remember, but he mostly recalled the warmth and how it made his blood boil instead of what the older man’s muscles felt like.

“I only paid attention to the warmth,” he admitted honestly. “And I don’t really know what muscles feel like. I don’t really have any. I’m either squishy or bony.” His fingers wrapped around his own forearm and he squeezed. His skin was soft but his forearm was just a bone.

“You can touch if you're curious.” Hoseok got up and prepared the DVD and turned on the TV before sitting next to him. He bounced up because of the difference in their weight and yelped, hands immediately flying to the sides to stabilize himself.

“I- kinda am,” he muttered and glanced towards Hoseok again. “But my hands are really cold. It might be uncomfortable.”

“I'm warm enough, it's fine.” The older man took the remote and picked the language, before putting the hood over his head and snuggling further into the couch.

_Is it still okay to touch him? He didn’t say anything._

“Can I still touch?” he murmured and crawled towards the older man. He lifted his legs up on the couch and moved closer to Hoseok, close enough to let their thighs touch. It was a taste of how cold his body was, so the black-haired man could get used to it. “You know- my body was way warmer after last night. I guess because I stole body heat… ”

“You didn't steal anything, its an exchange, I guess. And you can touch whatever you like. Apart from my private parts.” There was a grin on Hoseok's face but he kept his gaze on the screen as the movie started.

_Why the hell would you touch his ‘private parts’?_

Won rolled his eyes at the comment and reached for Hoseok’s shoulders, holding onto them as he climbed on top of the black-haired man’s thighs to be able to see his face and touch his abdomen at the same time. Now he had to think about the other man’s comment like an idiot. It was embarrassing, he had no reason to touch him weirdly.

“What was the exchange?” he asked and rubbed his fingers along Hoseok’s collarbones. He couldn’t really feel them through the fabric and also not in general, but he knew they were there.

“Well, you let me hug you and I gave you some of my body heat.” The older man removed his gaze from the TV and looked up at him.

“But I liked the hug too, so it wasn’t a sacrifice, was it?” he asked and stared at Hoseok’s eyes. They were really dark, almost black. Only when the light shone on them in a particular way was Won able to see the line of the pupil. Warmth transferred through his behind and legs, but it also heated up his fingers and he really liked it. “I like the warmth too, a lot.”

“Well, I think sacrifice is a strong word that is used too much. We all have priorities and things we like, for others it might seem like a sacrifice, but in reality a sacrifice is when you're really in pain but still decide to take it and do something important for another person. So please don't sacrifice anything for me.” A brief smile appeared on the other man's face as he looked past him and focused on the screen again.

_Maybe it’s like when you want to disappear to stop the pain, but you don’t yet because somebody needs you._

“I will start touching you now, okay?” he muttered instead of voicing his thoughts and let his hands slip lower on Hoseok’s shoulders, over his chest to the hem of his hoodie which was at the black-haired man’s hips.

“You're cute,” Hoseok murmured while his lips curled in a smile.

“For warning you before freezing your abs? Not sure how that's cute,” Won muttered and lifted the older man's hoodie. His skin looked really smooth and pretty, so he stared at it for a while without touching. “You're pretty.”

“Huh? You mean my stomach? I'm not sure about pretty, but thank you. Also, you're not freezing me, your fingers are cold, but it's not as bad as you make it seem. I thought about how funny it was that I made up someone who always asks for consent, because I appreciate it so much.” This time the smile was genuine and really beautiful.

Won smiled back and carefully placed his palms on Hoseok’s stomach, both of them next to each other. His hands were big enough to arrange the older man's nipples between his index and middle finger. The contrast of their skin colour was beautiful and Hoseok’s nipples were also beautiful.

“I like your nipples,” he murmured until he realised he hadn't answered the black-haired man. “Your face is pretty, but your stomach is really nice too. It's attractive.”

Hoseok hissed quietly and lifted one eyebrow, observing him intently.

_Probably because it's colder than he anticipated._

“Thank you. You're really attractive too.”

“Oh- me? But-” Won looked down at his own slim body and the way his thighs looked next to Hoseok’s. In comparison he was a pole, not even a particularly nice one. “But I don't have all those pretty features. To be honest- I haven't looked in the mirror since waking up.”

“What? Never mind, I'll tell you. You have black hair and red eyes, a pretty face, plump lips and a round nose, a delicate neck-” Hoseok's eyes travelled over his face and further down. “Broad shoulders and a ridiculously slim waist, lean thighs and round hips, your legs seem endless and you have big hands that look very elegant at the same time.”

“Oh,” he whispered, surprised by the detailed and positive description. “You sound like- like I look really nice in your opinion.” He didn't know why it surprised him so much. He hadn't really looked at himself, his vision of himself was vague, pale, with big ugly hands and bony legs.

_But where is it coming from?_

“You look stunning,” the older man said before looking at the screen again.

“Not stunning enough to distract you from the movie.” Won chuckled but the sound was bitter to his ears. His hands were still on Hoseok’s burning chest and he slipped them lower, over the ribs and the prominent abs. They felt nice under his fingertips. The heat returned the ability to trace and perceive and Won really enjoyed it.

“You're wrong. Eye contact during physical contact increases the intensity of the second, you see? You are stunning enough, I thought you know when I lie, I guess you don't.” Again, Hoseok hissed when he brushed over his sides and lower.

“I know when you lie, but I don't know the degree to which something is true. I know you think I'm attractive, but I don't know if it's enough to prefer looking at me over other things. I don't know anything about touching and how intense it is because I never touch anybody, Hoseok. There is no reason for people to touch me, it's a waste of time.” His eyes widened at the outburst and for a brief moment he thought of climbing off the black-haired man's thighs and hiding somewhere, but he didn't know why, so he didn't. He stayed where he was and chewed on his cheek. His palms stroked over Hoseok’s hot chest to distract him and he stared at the pretty, hardened buds instead.

Suddenly the dark eyes focused on him and Hoseok reached out, curling his warm fingers around his nape, stroking over his hair. The older man licked over his lips briefly, leaving a moist film on top of them, shimmering in the barely lit room.

Won's breath hitched and he realised that he had been breathing all this time, sucking oxygen in through his lips and keeping it in his lungs before exhaling again. He could feel the touches, the small drops of heat that touched his neck. Hoseok was stroking his hair and he couldn't understand, not why the handsome man was doing it and not why he liked it so much. His insides were in turmoil, holding onto the air he had inhaled and not letting it go.

“W- why?” he stuttered helplessly, hands curling around Hoseok’s naked waist.

“Because it's not a waste of time, you're not a waste of time, you're beautiful,” Hoseok whispered.

_Maybe you're not invisible anymore. You aren't him anymore._

He was Won now.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Can't you- surround me like you did with the wall, be everywhere?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 15th of May at 2 PM CET.  
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Maybe it was his fate, to be alone with a non-human, a hallucination, whatever the black-haired young man with red eyes was. Hoseok was curious, curious about his name, about his reactions, how he sometimes breathed, but at other times didn't, how he trembled at one time but was calm and cold at another. It was like trying out a drug and Hoseok wanted more.

The cool sensation against his skin was thrilling and arousing and he tried his best to concentrate on what was happening on the screen. The weight on his hips and Won's handsome face didn't make it any easier. He wasn't a waste of time and Hoseok couldn't understand why a non-human being would think like this.

_Because it's human._

His hand automatically reached for the boy's neck and his fingers sunk into the silky strands of hair that felt like spider webs between his digits. Won was really beautiful.

“How does it feel?” he asked quietly, hoping that it felt at least remotely comforting.

“It's-” Won swallowed and shifted on top of him. His fingers were shaking against his chest, each digit like a cold line that travelled over his naked skin. “My whole body is burning up, but you're only- only touching my hair.” The boy's voice was a low whisper, red eyes watching him intently.

“I think touching is the most intense way of communicating,” he whispered and brushed over the shell of Won's small ear. It didn't matter whether the boy was a hallucination or a made up product, a ghost, an illusion, still his reaction to him was real. “Do you like it?”

“Y-yeah,” Won stuttered and shifted on his lap. “It's- unfamiliar but I like it. It's only that- I should be the one doing things that you like.”

“Bullshit. You're not my slave and not my toy. You don't have to do anything I like and I don't care whether I made you up and you're a hallucination.” Hoseok removed his hand from the boy's hair and grabbed his chin. “Do you understand?”

The black-haired boy's eyes widened and he nodded slowly. The longer Hoseok looked at him, the less pale he looked, plump lips a dark red and cheeks showing a little bit of blush. Even the hands on his chest seemed less freezing than they had a moment ago.

“But I want to make you happy, Hoseok. It's my purpose,” Won whispered and caressed his sides, thin fingers dancing over his naked skin and applying pressure.

“I think we need to find a new purpose for you,” he whispered and licked over his lips once again before removing his hand from the boy's chin.

_Maybe you should try to make him happy._

“But- I can only… only continue if I make you hopeful.” There was hesitation on Won's face as he shifted and slid towards the edge of his thigh, as if he wanted to escape. “Making you hopeful is my task. That's the only reason I'm here.”

“That’s what you believe. It doesn’t have to be the truth, you know? Are you uncomfortable? Do you want to leave?” Hoseok asked and circled both hands around the boy's insanely slim waist, pulling him against his body and leaning forward. Won’s skin felt cool against his own, but it didn't matter, Hoseok would heat it up if necessary.

He could feel the boy’s arms wrap around his neck hesitantly and irregular breaths brush over his skin.

“I don't want to leave, not yet,” he murmured. “But I want to disappear after I’ve fulfilled my task.”

_This sounds so familiar._

He felt strange, maybe it was the unusual situation, Won's red eyes, the sudden breaths that left the boy's lips or his depressed words that felt so sad. Whatever it was, it made Hoseok feel too much.

“Come here,” he whispered, inhaling deeply. Hoseok shifted after saying the words and pressed the boy's slim body against his half-naked chest, one hand stroking over his hair while the other kept Won close to him.

“Why does it feel like you want to help me instead of the other way around?” the black-haired boy asked quietly and hugged back. His body was still cold, but not as much as it had been when Won's fingers touched his chest for the first time. “You don't need to sacrifice your happiness for others, especially not for me.”

“I'm not sacrificing anything. I just want to hold you,” he murmured truthfully and exhaled against the boy's neck. Hoseok kept wondering about the reason Won insisted that he had to make him happy and hopeful. It didn't make any sense to him. It wasn't necessary.

“Then please do. It's- it's nice.” Even Won's breaths felt a little cold, like a breeze in autumn that caused goosebumps but disappeared again. “I only wish you would believe me that I'm real. I'm convinced that I am real, I have a body, I can move and move others. What do I need to do to become real for you, Hoseok?”

_Before he said that he only needs you to be happy, but now he wants you to believe that he's real. It's human too._

“I don't know. Sometimes I look at you and forget everything I know, but at other times I know that it can't be real, that there's no way and no explanation for this. Why am I the only one who talks to you? Why am I the only one who touches you? It must be something in my head,” he whispered, but held the boy flush against his chest. His left hand slipped down and pulled at the bottom of his hoodie to cover his stomach.

“Others don't see me because I'm unnatural. Only those who are miserable can see me, and those that I want to talk to. I want you to see me, so you do, even if it makes you uncomfortable. You are the person that I am meant to help, so you shall always see me. All the time until you aren't miserable anymore.” Won smiled, but it looked a little sad. His words were like a story, learned by heart in primary school to present to the teacher. “Then I'll fade away and it will be beautiful.”

_Bullshit story._

“I don't like it,” he heard himself say and leaned back, loosening his embrace as if someone had burned him. “This whole concept is terrible.”

There was surprise on the boy's face and he must have missed the contact, leaning in subconsciously.

“Why? Isn't it for the best?”

“No, it's not. I don't want to be hopeful and I don't want to be happy either if it means that someone will fade away.” His voice was low as he pushed Won from his lap and got up, walking in the direction of the bathroom.

“But- I'm not human, Hoseok. I'm supposed to fade away. I-” The boy's steps were quiet as he ran after him and grabbed his arm, turning him around. His eyes were wide and bright red again, just like each time Hoseok called him by his real name. “I _want_ to fade away.”

“Oh, do you?” He stared into the younger man's eyes while the cold fingers almost dug into his skin. “Amazing. But don't think I'll do a single thing to make that happen. Give up,” Hoseok hissed and pulled his arm out of Won's hold.

The boy just stared at him with wide eyes, big hand hanging in the air until he slowly exhaled and turned around. His steps were slow, but he moved towards the hallway. The front door falling into its lock was the last thing Hoseok heard until the apartment became quiet.

Won had left, for the very first time.

He didn't know why but he wanted to cry so badly, his chest constricted in a familiar manner and he held the air in his lungs. When nothing helped he walked to his coat and got out a cigarette, catching it between his dry lips and walked towards the window in the living room.

Maybe it was good that the hallucination disappeared, maybe it was supposed to be like this? He sucked the colour out of the blue smoke and exhaled the rest out of the open window. It was cold, but he liked it, it reminded him of how Won's fingers felt against his skin.

_Well, now you're smoking at home too._

***

 

As soon as he shut the heavy door behind him, Won wasn’t too sure why he left anymore. He wasn’t supposed to. After all, seeing and experiencing everything that happened to Hoseok was his way of getting to know the older man better. To understand him and the lack of hope that Won had to defeat.

_But he doesn’t want to become hopeful, not if it means that you get what you want._

The mere thought that the black-haired man didn’t want to give him the one thing he really wanted, the only thing, upset him indescribably. His eyes burned and he missed the numbness that usually accompanied him everywhere. Hoseok had been hugging him and warmed up his skin, making the sensations in his chest and at the tips of his fingers more intense than they would have been otherwise.

_That’s why you didn’t do it before. When you feel, you don’t only feel the nice things, but also the terrible ones._

Disappearing and turning into dust was the sole reason for what he was doing, for looking for Hoseok, finding him through the ring, watching him for days and finally talking to him to understand what was missing. How was he supposed to reach his goal if the black-haired man resisted helping him?

_If he doesn’t want to become hopeful and improve his situation, then he won’t._

Won remembered the words, the way Hoseok had explained it to his patients. He remembered the low voice that elaborated that change and help was only possible when there was a willingness to receive help.

_If he doesn’t want your help there is nothing you can do._

His hands trembled and he stopped walking, scared that something strange was happening to him, something he didn’t understand. Maybe he was upset about his goal becoming unreachable, less graspable like his own hand did when he wanted to push it through a door. When he woke up and knew what he had to do, it had seemed so easy. He imagined it clearly, finding the person, talking to them, showing them how lucky they were compared to others.

_But he doesn’t need to see how lucky he is. He knows, but it doesn’t matter._

Hoseok talked to people that were miserable and needed help everyday, he showed them what to do and how to get better. But still there was so much sadness and loneliness in the black-haired man, that Won didn’t know what other approach to use.

_You would have given up a long time ago if you were him._

No, not Won. Won didn’t give up quickly. The person that gave up quickly was somebody else and dead now, gone for good.

_Not quite, there is still the last step._

He swallowed and blinked a few times, waiting for the warmth to disappear and return the numbness. He needed it to think clearly and to make the right decisions. It had been wrong of him to leave like that, to give up without even trying properly. He shouldn’t have told Hoseok his ultimate goal, but he did, so he needed a new approach now.

_Let him focus on you then. If it makes him happy you can improve yourself, follow his requests and answer his questions._

While listening and conjuring a smile on Hoseok’s face there was no way that his task wouldn’t be fulfilled. Won only had to keep the black-haired man away from people that hurt him and made him unhappy.

_Like that Hobi person._

Giving up was stupid. He had no choice anyway. There was only the task and nothing else. There was no other purpose for his existence. He had woken up to find the man with the ring and to help him, now that he found Hoseok he couldn’t just give up.

Turning around abruptly, his eyes met those of a young boy, sitting on a swing and watching him intently.

_He can see you._

Nodding to the boy, Won ripped his gaze away and ran as fast as he could, steps echoing through the streets. He had to return before something bad happened, before Hoseok decided that he wasn’t real or that he didn’t want him to be there.

Once he arrived at the apartment, he stared at the door for a few moments. He had returned back to normal, chest remaining still and not lifting with unnecessary breaths. Hoseok turned him human and that was bad, it returned the qualities he had wanted to abandon in the first place.

Focusing on his hand, he dematerialized it and slipped it through the door, opening it from the other side. He didn't bother closing it as he ran into the apartment to look for Hoseok. Only when his feet touched carpet, did he realize that he hadn’t worn shoes when he ran out. But no matter which room he looked in, there was nobody.

_He left._

Won panicked and looked at his hands, determining whether they looked different from the days before. Had something happened to him? Had he failed because he left the older man alone?

He didn’t turn human and the need to breathe didn’t appear. The knowledge calmed him down a little and he relaxed his muscles, glancing around to understand where Hoseok might have gone to. A glance at the clock answered his question.

_Work, he must be at work._

It was typical of him to lose track of time. He had been gone for hours even if it had seemed like a few moments to him. Grabbing a jacket so Hoseok wouldn’t worry, he ran out of the apartment again and hurried to the tram. It was empty in the middle of the day because most people were at work. There was nobody to be bothered by his presence.

Arriving at the big, white building, he hurried to Hoseok’s office, stopping right in front of it and glanced at his naked feet. He should have worn shoes.

He didn’t want to disturb the black-haired man, especially after running away like a child, so he dematerialized and stepped through the door.

He could see Hoseok embracing the brown-haired man who had visited before, hand stroking over his head slowly. ‘It will be okay, you think like this now, but you'll be okay,’ the black-haired man kept whispering, not paying attention to him because he was looking out of the window.

_Have you made it worse?_

Won's lips parted in shock at the thought that his disappearance might have motivated the older man to look for somebody that only hurt him and nothing else.

“But he uses you for his own happiness,” he whispered and stepped closer, walking around the two men to see Hoseok better. “Why are you embracing him if it hurts so much? I can tell, Hoseok. Don't- don't do this to yourself. Is it because of me? I'm sorry, I won't leave like that anymore, I promise.”

The words poured from his lips and he was shaking again, scared that everything was becoming so much worse. He was lucky that Hobi couldn't see him, too occupied with his own pain to pay attention to him.

Hoseok saw him, but closed his eyes immediately, pretending that he wasn't there. Instead, the black-haired man leaned back and focused his gaze on the man in his arms, reassuring him and telling him to come back tomorrow before the first session.

“Don't pretend that you cannot see me, Hoseok. I know you can. He's hurting you and you are letting him. Do you want him to see me? I can make him, he's miserable enough. But you know what? I don't want him to, because he hurts you.” Anger that he hadn't even been aware of existing took over his words and he stepped closer, seeing the man he already detested flinch because of the proximity. “I hate him because he doesn't think about you at all.”

“Thank you so much, Hoseok. You're the only person I can trust and you're the only one who gives me hope and makes me happy.” The brown-haired man licked over his lips and kissed Hoseok's, moving his mouth along the soft surface before finally letting go. “See you tomorrow,” he said and disappeared, leaving the black-haired man standing in the middle of the room, eyes closed and hands shaking.

Won hated him, he hated the man named Hobi so much. It didn't matter that he could feel the desperation and relief when they kissed. He only cared about Hoseok and the pain he could sense in the older man. There was yearning too, but it was wrong. It was the way his body reacted to not being alone anymore. Won understood it, he knew why Hoseok wanted the kiss, but it wasn't worth the pain and being manipulated like that.

A few moments passed before Hoseok opened his eyes and went to his coat, getting out a cigarette and putting it between his lips.

“I can't believe you're doing this to yourself,” Won whispered and sank to the floor. He should have never left, never. His absence had only made everything worse, ripped the single thread of hope he had seen in a ruthless manner. “I'm sorry for leaving. I won't do it anymore, I promise, but please don't let him hurt you. I can't bear it.”

Hoseok filled his lungs with smoke and threw his head back, curling his fingers around the window sill.

“Don't worry, I'm fine. I thought you were gone for good. I even threw away my diagnostic papers.”

“I told you. I-” Won swallowed, still sitting on the floor of Hoseok’s office and pressing his palms into his thighs. “I cannot leave. Even if I want to. I ran around the neighbourhood and tried to think. I got so scared when I didn't find you at home, but- it's much worse than that. I feel it, Hoseok, you can't lie to me.”

“Technically, I can. But you can of course refuse to believe me.” Exhaling a cloud of grey fog, Hoseok's black eyes focused on him. “You seem less okay than I am,” he whispered and put out his cigarette even though there was more than half left. A few steps were enough for the black-haired man to close the distance and kneel down in front of him. “Don't be sad, Won. It'll be okay.”

“I'm not used to somebody feeling so much pain, not somebody that I am focused on like this.” Won inhaled oxygen in the hope that it would make it better, but there was no difference. Hoseok was still hurt and Won had no way of making it better.

_He doesn't listen to you._

Hoseok had enjoyed the embrace and the kiss, but there was so much hurt and regret connected with it. Was it really worth it?

_Can't you replace all of the positive things without the negative ones?_

Meeting Hoseok’s black eyes, he reached out and wrapped his arms around the other man's neck. He didn't ask this time, but he hoped it was okay, fingers tightening in the silk shirt and lips trembling against the skin of the older man's neck.

The position was strange, Hoseok kneeling in front of him and Hyungwon embracing him helplessly, but he didn't know what else to do. It felt so hot, the chest that pressed against his, each exhale that left Hoseok’s curved lips.

“I'm sorry, I didn't mean to show you pain. It will be fine,” Hoseok's low voice whispered against his ear and he felt the other man's hot palms against his lower back.

“It's not about showing me, it's about you making yourself suffer through it. You don't have to. Why can't you tell him no?” Won tightened his embrace in the pathetic hope that it would make it better. It didn't, he could tell, but he wanted it to matter so badly. Maybe if he wasn't so cold it would be different.

“I guess because he is someone who made me happy before, you know? I can't tell him to leave, I still feel things even though I don't want to feel them.” Hoseok sighed and sunk his fingers into his hair, playing with it absentmindedly.

“Is there nothing I can do to help? Can't you just hug me instead? Or ask him to go to a different therapist?” He kept chewing on his lips and thinking about the options. There weren't many. If Hoseok wanted to continue feeling the small moments of happiness even if they were accompanied by pain, then there was nothing he could do.

“I'm hugging you. But it's not the same,” the older man murmured and came closer, as if to make sure that it wasn't comparable.

“Why not? Why isn't it the same?” he whispered, desperate to change something. Won pulled his slim body flush against the older man and buried his face in his neck, silently begging for it to work. “It's a hug, isn't it?”

“It is, and you're attractive and everything, but it's still not the same, there's no- no longing and no urgency to kiss you, no wish to- to taste your skin and feel how ragged your breaths would get if I came closer. It's complicated.” Something must've made Hoseok uncomfortable and he loosened the embrace and looked to the side. “That's why I'm saying that you don't need to make me happy, Won. I can't accept all those things you are offering me.”

Everything felt dark, like somebody had turned off the light, but it wasn't the room. The lamp still burned and the sun shone outside. It was inside him, inside his chest.

_Sadness, you are sad. You know the feeling well, Won._

“Why can't you accept those things?” he asked quietly and let his arms hang helplessly at his sides. What was the point of trying if Hoseok couldn't accept it?

“Because you don't know me and also don't like me.” The older man smiled, but it looked sad. “It's fine. But I can try making you happy, how about that?” Suddenly the older man got up and pulled him along and into his embrace. Their faces were so close that he could smell the cigarette smoke mixed with the other man's tangerine scent.

Won gasped, not expecting the sudden touch and the heat that enveloped him.

“But that's not true,” he murmured, shocked that Hoseok made such conclusions. “I watched you for days and I care about the way you feel. Why would I if I didn't like you? You're- impossibly nice, but you hurt yourself so much.”

“Don't ruin this romantic moment. I know that you don't like me. I know that you're only here because you need something from me. That's not how liking feels, believe me.” Hoseok huffed and looked to the side. “That's probably the reason why you're not mine. I think if I was the one who made you up, you would probably like me and be all happy right now because I'm hugging you. Oh and you definitely wouldn't tell me to be hopeful. But I guess it means that you’re not mine.”

Won didn't understand, blinking a few times and wondering how liking the black-haired man would be different. There were a lot of things that were nice about Hoseok and he was glad that the man he was helping was the hopeless therapist instead of somebody else.

_Does he want you to like him like he likes Hobi?_

“Do you want me to be yours?” he asked and thought about how to be closer, warmer. Licking over his plump lips, he curled one leg around Hoseok’s body, unsure what else he could possibly do.

“I- I meant that you’re not a product of my imagination, Won. I don’t know who you are, but I don’t think that I’m the one who is responsible for you being here.”

“You're not. I am, I am responsible because I need to do a good deed before I can leave for good. But it's okay, you're right. It's something I want, so from now on I will focus on what you want.” Won nodded for emphasis and didn't dare lift his head from Hoseok’s shoulder. He wanted to be hidden in the heat. Maybe disappearing was also like that, heat that melted him away.

“I want to know what you like,” the low voice vibrated against his ear as Hoseok curled his arms tighter around him, hot palm tracing his spine.

“The heat,” he answered, eyes falling shut and lungs inhaling the air, filled with Hoseok’s scent. “I want to burn with it.”

“You mean my body heat?” Again the voice vibrated pleasantly, this time under his ear, somewhere against his neck, hot exhales tickling him a little.

He nodded instead of replying. His breath was cold and so was his skin, so he didn't want to interrupt the heat. He wanted it to surround him and be everywhere. There was something pulling him towards it, even though it turned him human.

_But it's only for a moment, you only feel for a moment, so it's okay._

“Maybe I can warm you up? Who knows?” Hoseok chuckled and pushed him a little until he felt his back touch the wall. The heat enveloped him completely as the black-haired man hugged him, warm, muscular thigh slipping into the space between his own and burning lips touching the crook of his neck. “Like this? Is it warm?”

Won nodded again, lungs burning for oxygen that he sucked through his lips. His arms were tingling, as if the blood slowly moved in his veins, reacting to the heat surrounding him. He wanted it to be everywhere instead of the constant cold.

“More,” he whispered and swallowed, arms wrapping tightly around Hoseok’s neck. Their height difference made it possible for him to feel Hoseok’s lips better and the older man's mass enabled him to cover Won whole. Hoseok exhaled and pressed him further into the wall, using his muscular body to create more areas of contact, but there were clothes, so the heat didn’t transfer in the way it could have. He remembered how it felt when Hoseok hugged him without wearing a shirt.

He hated the clothes, so he tried to pull at the black-haired man's shirt, but it wasn't a t-shirt and didn't budge. Won whined at how ineffective his attempts were and buried his face deeper in Hoseok’s neck. He wondered if it was possible to melt from body heat because he really wanted to, to heat up and fade away, maybe became a part of Hoseok that watched him from the inside.

“O- Okay, listen, let’s wait until I get home and then I’ll hug you nicely, without pinning you against the wall in my office, my brain isn’t processing what this is about, okay?” Moving back a little, Hoseok focused his gaze on his face. There was fine, pink blush covering the older man’s cheeks. It was pretty, so he removed one arm from Hoseok’s neck and reached out.

“May I?” he asked, fingers right next to the older man's cheek. The colour was beautiful, like ripe peaches. Instead of getting a reply, he received a slow nod while Hoseok tried to return moisture to his lips.

Won reached out and brushed over the hot cheek, enjoying how it burned under his fingertips. It was so different from his own temperature, the gap made his skin catch fire from the contact. His eyes slipped to Hoseok’s dry lips and he thought about how to help, seeing the red surface reflect less than usual. Licking over his lips, he reached for his own mouth. He licked over his thumb and brushed it over the older man's curved lips. It was cold, so maybe it was better.

Hoseok stared at him, eyes dark and wide, before tracing the path of his finger with his pink tongue. It was probably not enough.

“Do you need more moisture?” he asked quietly and chewed on his cheek. His voice was low but sounded loud in his ears. He wanted the heat to return and he wanted to help, but neither was possible. The day hadn't even ended yet and Hoseok might have more clients. Won had no idea, none at all.

“I think I'm losing it,” Hoseok whispered and stepped back, turning away from him. “So- I still have a few people coming and I didn't prepare, so, I'll do that and then I’ll have my smoke and go home, okay? You can wait for me there if you like.” It seemed strange how fast Hoseok suddenly spoke.

“Do you want me to wait for you at home?” Won asked and separated himself from the wall. The older man’s feelings were a whole mess he couldn't figure out. The heat had been easier to understand.

“Yes, yes, I think it's a good idea and- and the thing with the heat, I promise I'll give you some tonight,” the low voice murmured while Hoseok kept sorting documents. The action was random.

“Can't wait,” Won replied and slowly made his way towards the door. Hoseok acted strange, but this time he wasn't running away, he had been asked to leave to give the black-haired man a few moments of peace.

_Maybe it helps him for his work. It's probably strange to always have you there._

Won was distracting, so he could understand that Hoseok wanted to work in peace. He only hoped that the whole thing with the heat was okay with the older man. It was a little strange and he should have been satisfied with his non-human self instead of yearning for something human, something that made him feel alive.

Opening the door, he was met with an empty hallway that he disappeared into. He had a few hours, he could be useful during that time.

_Feelings need to be deserved._

***

 

He couldn’t concentrate on work, not at all, as soon as the last client shut the door, Hoseok basically crawled to his coat and took out a cigarette.

_You started smoking more._

He did, in addition to losing his mind, but at least he didn’t make up a hallucination and it wasn’t beginning schizophrenia. Whatever the young man was, it wasn’t his doing.

_But you did pin him against the wall._

Hoseok wanted to facepalm so badly. The thought was innocent, he really wanted to give the black-haired boy something that he liked, namely warmth, but it escalated a little and made him react.

_It’s because you haven’t been close to anyone for such a long time._

The cigarette disappeared as he thought and he almost burned his mouth again. What was the right thing to do? Deep inside, he really wanted the black-haired boy to feel satisfied and happy, and if it was warmth, then it was the easiest task. If there hadn't been a tiny little thought that kept visiting him since the young man left.

 _You lied. You wanted to kiss him_.

Shaking his head furiously, he tried to get rid of it, but it was similar to an intense sensation. If you experienced it once, it was pretty difficult to forget how it felt later. Maybe he hadn’t lied, it really was different from how hugging Hobi felt and there was no longing.

_Lies._

There was a longing, the longing to feel something that would replace the painful memory of how Hobi’s lips tasted, how they felt, and how his insides turned hot and cold, how badly he wanted to be close and how much he regretted it as soon as it was over.

_Go home._

He sighed and walked to the tram station, watching as his feet moved over the dirty concrete. It was almost like the year before, only now there was a spark of warmth inside his chest that he couldn’t define, until it dawned upon him. There was someone waiting for him. A person, or not a person, it didn’t matter. There was someone and he was waiting. For him.

The keys in his hand felt a little too cold, even though it started to get warmer and it reminded him of Won’s touch. He thought about how it felt to be cold inside and outside, how an embrace felt if you were like a brick of ice. His thoughts were interrupted by the lock giving in and the delicious smell that came from the apartment. Won must’ve cooked something for him.

_He’s still trying to make you happy, isn’t he?_

He could’ve been serious and bitter about it, but he smiled instead, because technically there was nothing wrong with kind gestures. Taking off his shoes, he went to the bedroom and changed into a shirt and shorts because it was unusually warm. Won must’ve turned up the heat. He looked into the mirror, but his reflection looked exhausted and emotionally unstable, so he glanced away again and strolled to the kitchen.

“You're back!” the black-haired boy exclaimed happily and waved around a ladle. A big pot was cooking on the stove and Won had even found an embarrassing apron with abs drawn on it. Hoseok had gotten it as a present many years ago. “I made stew! With lots of meat and vegetables.”

He couldn’t prevent his lips from spreading in a genuine smile at the sight.

“You didn’t have to, but I’ll surely try some if you made it,” he murmured and sat down at the table, watching the tall boy jump around. “How was it to be home alone?”

“I prefer to be in your office to be honest because I learn things. You always tell people what to pay attention to or which techniques to use. There was this girl that you told about healthy food and I tried to adapt that while cooking. It's also generally nicer to be next to you, because I only curl up and stare at the wall when I'm alone. Like you, before I came to you,” Won babbled and took out a bowl from the cupboard. He used the ladle to mix the stew before filling Hoseok’s bowl. Smiling in satisfaction, the black-haired boy placed it in front of him, watching him intently with his red eyes.

“I want to cook something for you too, but you don’t eat,” he muttered and blew at the food on his spoon before putting it into his mouth carefully and chewing. It tasted really good, so he hummed with his eyes closed, before focusing his gaze on the black-haired boy. “It’s delicious.”

Won wiggled his arms in excitement and pressed his thighs together, smiling widely. Hoseok couldn't remember seeing anybody be this happy about him liking a stew.

“Fuck yes!” Won exclaimed, cursing for the first time. “It took awhile to make, but I'm so happy you like it. The first hour I just stared at your photo album, but then I had this awesome idea!”

“God, you’re adorable!” Hoseok laughed and couldn’t hide his joy at seeing the young man happy, before realizing that Won had looked at his pictures. “Wait, why did you look at it? There’s nothing interesting in there.”

“There is baby Hoseok,” the boy replied and shrugged. “You looked cute as a baby. Also, there are pictures of you in high school and university and it reminds me that even people who have everything can be lonely, so maybe not having anything is even better.” Suddenly the red eyes widened and Won stared at him. “Nevermind, I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm probably too excited that you're back.”

“What do you mean by having everything? You mean in a material sense?” He continued eating the delicious meal, but interrupted it a few times to catch the look in Won’s red eyes.

“I don't know what I meant. I don't even know where that came from. I just liked looking at your pictures. It was peaceful.” Won sighed and crossed his arms on top of the table, placing his head on them while watching Hoseok eat. “I made enough stew to last a few days, so you can eat healthy.”

“Thank you for caring about my health. I’ll warm you up today, but first I’ll work out and then I’ll take a hot shower and then I’ll give you some of my warmth.” It was weird to talk about it like this, but he didn’t know a different way to explain what he was talking about. “If you like, that is.”

“Please,” Won whispered and shifted on his chair, rubbing his thighs together. He seemed nervous or guilty, Hoseok couldn't really tell. The black-haired boy stared at the spoon in his hand and scratched his blunt fingernails over the wooden table.

“Are you okay?” He ate up the rest and got up, placing everything in the dishwasher and turning it on like he always did.

“Mmh,” was the reply as Won covered the pot with a lid and touched it with his palms, probably to see if it was too hot for the fridge. “Go ahead then, I'll- clean up some more, or lie down on your bed. But then it will be cold there, so maybe I'll- I don't know, stare at the ceiling.”

“Just use the bed, I don’t care if it’s cold.” Smiling, he patted the boy’s shoulder and went to the living room for a quick workout.

Time passed and sweat was dripping from his chin when he finished and immediately jumped under the hot shower, loving how his muscles relaxed and how tired he suddenly felt, in addition to the endorphins from the intensive workout.

It was dark when he stepped into the room and tried to find fresh underwear before pulling it up his legs and abandoning the bathrobe. He wasn’t sure whether Won was in bed already, so he called his name.

“I'm here,” the black-haired boy murmured from the bed and Hoseok could see his red eyes clearly amidst the darkness. Won must have pulled the blanket all the way up to his nose.

_Does the blanket make him warm?_

“Do you feel better when you’re under the blanket? Does it feel warmer?” he asked and crawled into the sheets carefully. The bed was cold but it always was when he came home after work, so it didn’t matter.

“No,” Won replied and shuffled closer towards him. It was slow, like the black-haired boy didn't want to suggest anything, but also didn't want to stay away. “Only you are warm.”

“It sounds nice, as if I’m special. Come here,” he whispered, focusing on the boy’s red eyes that were clearly visible, even in the dark.

Won didn't reply and only slipped closer, cool fingers reaching for his chest and stroking over it carefully. The big palm was cold as it rested flat on top of him, sliding over his ribs. It felt different from what he was used to, it almost reminded him of a situation where he and Hobi had played with ice cubes, letting them slide down his body to see whether he would get goosebumps. He expected Won to attach himself, like he did in his office, but the touches were hesitant.

“Is this… okay?” the low voice asked carefully as Hoseok felt a long leg press against his. The cool sensation was already familiar, but the feel of naked skin was not. Won had taken off his jeans.

“You undressed,” he commented and swallowed. “Sure, usually it’s easier to warm up if you don’t wear clothes. I usually sleep in underwear only.”

“I- I only took off the jeans you gave me. I didn't want you to freeze,” Won murmured and carefully placed a second hand on his chest. The mattress moved slightly and soft hair brushed over his shoulder, accompanied by cool lips that grazed his collarbone.

“But I’m fine, I worked out, so my blood flow is really good and I also took a hot shower. You can come closer. If you like.” The difference in temperature forced goosebumps to appear on his chest and his nipples hardened. Won's index finger brushed over one of them, cold but somehow arousing at the same time.

“Do you… want me to take my clothes off?” the black-haired boy asked in a whisper and Hoseok could feel cool air against his nipple, as if Won had slipped a little lower under the blanket.

“What? I- as you like, I just said that I sleep in underwear, but you don't sleep at all, so I don't know. If you’d like to feel more of the warmth you can take off your shirt,” he muttered, containing a hiss at the sensation against his nipple.

He could feel Won nod as the boy's nose brushed over his chest and the blanket lifted a little. The younger man sat up and curled his fingers under the hem of the t-shirt Hoseok had given him a few days ago. He hesitated briefly as his red eyes appeared to flicker. Chewing on his lips, Won lifted it up and pulled it over his head. As soon as the fabric was gone and landed next to the bed, big, red eyes watched him intently.

Hoseok caught himself regretting that it was dark as he was curious how Won looked without fabric covering his skin.

“Do you want me to warm you up?” he asked and spread his arms. Again the younger man nodded before he felt a hand push him against the mattress carefully and smooth, cold thighs on top of him. Won placed his elbows on each side of his head and carefully let their chests connect, leaning in while still sitting on his lap. It felt extraordinary, he imagined that he lay on the grass and snow was falling on top of him, snowflake after snowflake. He wrapped his arms around Won's thin waist and let his palms travel along his back. It didn't matter that the black-haired boy was cold, his smooth skin felt so good under his fingertips.

_You didn't think this through._

“You- you must be freezing,” Won whispered and lifted his slim body up, just enough to minimize contact while still being close enough. His legs shifted and Hoseok immediately felt the pretty boy rub over his abdomen in an attempt to keep him from feeling cold.

“This-” Hoseok whispered, “is a plank.” He grinned and pulled against Won's lower back, curling his arms around him tightly. “It's fine, I'll tell you if it's too cold.”

“Okay,” Won whispered and let himself go. The black-haired boy pressed himself tightly against his chest and buried his face in the crook of his neck. Instead of remaining on his lap, Won stretched out his long legs, lying flat on top of him with one thigh squeezing in between his own. A gasp left the boy's plump lips at the contact. It sounded gorgeous.

_You need to roll to the side, there will be less pressure against your crotch._

He really wanted to make Hyungwon warm without reacting to him, so he took the slim body and rolled to the side, embracing the black-haired boy and hoping that he wouldn't move his thigh too much.

“Is it okay like this?”

Won hummed into the crook of his neck and pressed his lower body against him, arms wrapping around his neck.

“You're like a flame, heat that I want to feel everywhere,” the low voice whispered against his skin as the the black-haired boy threw his right leg over his hips, wrapping around him.

“You can attach to me as much as you like, right now it feels really nice, like snowflakes that melt because I'm warm.” He smiled and sunk the fingers of his right hand into the black strands of Won's hair, massaging his scalp and pulling at them a little while letting them slip through the spaces between his fingers.

A sound that was a mixture between a moan and a purr left the boy's plump lips and he tilted his head back a little, wrapping himself further around him.

“Can't you- surround me like you did with the wall, be everywhere?” Won asked while his head was still thrown back. Hoseok could see the boy's parted lips, plump and beautiful just like the expanse of his delicate neck.

_You could lie on top of him, but-_

“I might squish you,” he murmured, preferring not to talk about the real reason.

“You won't, I'll be fine,” Won whispered and caressed his neck, lightly scratching over his shoulders and pulling him closer. “Please.”

_Shit, just do it._

Being unable to say no was a thing, so he turned once again, hovering over the black-haired boy with both arms on each side of his head. Licking over his lips to return moisture, Hoseok let himself sink on top of Won's slim body.

There was a gasp and big, red eyes watched him intently. They were so close that Hoseok realized that he hadn't seen a person this close for a very long time.

Won curled his arms around his neck and pulled him flush against him, rough breaths entering his ears. The boy was breathing again even though he didn't have to.

“Tell me if I'm too heavy, okay?” Hoseok slipped both legs between Won's and enveloped the boy’s body. He wanted to touch him, but kept his hand immobile instead.

“It's perfect.”

Shifting a little, Won wrapped his legs around his hips, just like that, as if it was a natural thing to do. Plump lips attached to his shoulder and each exhale through the boy's round nose tickled his skin.

_You didn't think this through._

“I- I'm reacting to you, Won,” he whispered, trying not to move his lower body to not create more unnecessary friction.

“Because I'm so cold?” the black-haired boy whispered back and looked up at him, red eyes bright enough to see his pretty face. There was much more colour on his cheeks and his lips looked darker, parted in another gasp.

“No. No- it's because you're attractive.” He exhaled sharply and hoped that Won understood his struggle.

A smile appeared on the boy’s face, a genuine one and he removed an arm from around his neck to cup his face.

“Thank you,” he mouthed and only wrapped his legs tighter around Hoseok instead of letting go.

“Oh god,” he whispered and buried his face in the crook of Won's neck. He could feel every tiny move and his breaths started getting ragged with how the position and the proximity made him feel.

“Can I sleep with you tonight, Hoseok?” Won asked and brushed through his hair with his long fingers, caressing his neck and shoulders and beginning anew at the top of his head. “I'll stay away if it gets too cold for you.” Hoseok almost had a heart attack at the first question, but caught himself right after.

“Please do. I'm sorry in advance,” he muttered, hugging the black-haired boy like his life depended on it.

“Why are you sorry?” He could feel light tugs on his hair to make him look up, but they fit too well with the way Won shifted under him.

“For reacting this way.”

“It's human, it's okay,” Won muttered and shifted again, hugging him tighter. “You don't have to apologise. I'm only- not sure how to react, so I'm not saying anything.”

“You- you don't need to say anything. Just get warm, please,” Hoseok whispered and attached his lips to the boy’s neck, placing a soft kiss against it. Won gasped at that and Hoseok saw him closing his eyes in response.

“That's- that's really nice,” the boy whispered. “But I don't understand why you would kiss my neck when I am so cold and not the same as others.”

“Can I kiss your lips instead?” he asked, not able to hold it in and leaned back, watching Won's red eyes staring at him.

The plump lips parted but there was no reply at first, only the intense gaze and a slight change in the brightness of Won's eyes. The younger man licked over his mouth and nodded slowly, limbs wrapping tighter around Hoseok’s body. God, he was reckless, but he wanted to know how it felt and the situation seemed right, so he returned the moisture and leaned in, slowly watching the plump lips come closer until he touched them with his own.

He was reminded of standing in the summer rain, cool drops hitting his lips and slowly flowing down. The surface was soft, like a cloud and he wanted to envelop it, to cover it with his own mouth, to suck on it and to taste what was behind it. He didn't, instead he moved his lips gently, kissing Won's plump mouth repeatedly before breaking the kiss gradually and leaning back.

Won was looking at him with wide eyes and parted lips that were glistening with moisture from the kiss they shared. The black-haired boy didn't say anything and only breathed, chest rising and falling.

“Your lips feel so nice, thank you for letting me feel it,” he whispered and hid in the crook of Won's neck.

“I don't know what to do, I only know that it feels nice, really nice. But- ah, I don't know what to say.” Won exhaled slowly and stroked over his hair, keeping him close and inhaling the scent of his hair and skin.

“It feels nice for me too and you don't need to say anything. Just- just do what feels good.” He rolled to the side and took the black-haired boy along, intertwining their legs and pulling him flush against his chest. “Let's sleep,” he whispered, lips moving against Won's shoulder. There was a soft nod and he felt a smile dance along the boy's lips.

“Goodnight, Hoseok.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He's stunning. The way he reacts is addicting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 17th of May at 2 PM CET.
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The ceiling was a perfect white and no matter how many hours that Won stared at it, there was not a speck of dust he could identify.

_Maybe you are the dust, lying in his bed._

Hoseok was asleep, exhaling regularly against his neck and embracing him with his broad, muscular arms. Won had made sure to put distance between them whenever the older man's skin looked too pale or when he shivered. Only when the signs of freezing reduced he dared to embrace him again. It was really nice, a whole different world that he lived in while heat surrounded him.

_Is it really living though?_

He wasn't living, but for the brief moments that his cold skin touched Hoseok’s, his body began to breathe. It was as close to living as he could get. Won just didn't understand why he wanted it.

_Because there is no pain, it's calm and pleasant. Living isn't like that._

Maybe that was why he preferred his numb self, the lack of sensation in his fingers and the lack of a heartbeat in his chest. Only when he was close enough, wrapped in heat, had he felt it beat. It was a single beat, strong and sudden, shaking his ribcage.

_When he kissed you._

Won turned and watched the way Hoseok exhaled calmly through his nose. The man's curved lips were slightly parted and his eyelashes threw pretty shadows on his cheeks. There wasn't much light but enough to see how beautiful he was. Won hadn't really cared before, it didn't matter whether the person he was going to help was beautiful or not, but Hoseok was.

He reached out carefully and removed a few strands of hair from the older man's eyes.

_He kissed you and you did nothing._

Won hadn't known what to do, not at all. He only embraced the black-haired man and felt the sudden force in his chest, shocking him and disabling any possible response he might have known. Usually his body acted automatically, it put one foot in front of the next automatically and it used kitchen tools automatically. But what was he supposed to do when he was kissed?

There was no handbook for his existence, nothing that he could have used to understand.

_You only know that you need to disappear, but nothing tells you how to reach that or how to solve problems._

 His gaze remained on Hoseok’s beautiful face, on the beautiful curve from his neck to his shoulders. Won wanted to reach out, but he was still waiting a little until the older man warmed up.

_The kiss felt nice, you liked it._

But he had probably upset Hoseok by not doing anything, by staring at him as if he was stupid. Won sighed and let his fingers dance over the black-haired man's collarbones and only briefly over his nipple. He didn't want to wake him up, but he liked to touch it. His eyes remained on the curved lips, on the way the bottom lip had felt against his in the vague memory of their kiss.

Won didn't know what possessed him when he leaned a little closer, but he did, feeling the exhales on his face. Hoseok was peaceful, not dreaming anything and lying perfectly still. He bridged a little more of the distance, enough to let his plump lips touch the tip of the older man's nose. It was warm and soft, giving in to the touch just like his lips did.

_Will it be the same if you are the one to kiss him?_

Won was anxious, but there was no heartbeat to tell him that he was. Only the way his hand shivered on its way to Hoseok’s shoulder and the hesitation in his limbs told him that he was afraid.

_Because you didn't ask, you're doing something he might not want._

He swallowed and licked over his lips, just like Hoseok had done before kissing him. He wanted to do it right, to copy the motion and learn.

_Maybe you can replace the pain with positivity. You could feel the heat and urgency that Hoseok felt. It was positive, better than after he had kissed Hobi._

He felt so scared that he paused again, lips brushing over Hoseok’s without applying pressure. The curved mouth was soft, much softer than when Hoseok had kissed him. Maybe that was how his lips had felt during the kiss, soft like cushions.

Inhaling one more time through his nose, Won closed his eyes and pressed his lips against Hoseok’s, melting into the heat of the older man's mouth. It was like kissing a candle but soft, like cotton. Won wanted the feeling to be everywhere, not only on his lips, he wanted it to surround him and fill him out at the same time.

A sound that resembled a whimper entered his ears, but it was him, unable to pull away as his arm carefully wrapped around Hoseok’s neck while he still pressed his lips to hot, curved ones.

_Don't make it too long, he might wake up._

Maybe Won wanted him to wake up so he could apologize, apologize for doing such a thing without asking first. He was forcing himself on Hoseok while the older man was sleeping and probably did something that Hoseok didn't want. It was curiosity and urgency many hours ago, now there was nothing of the sort, only Won's personal wish to be close.

_But it's not about you, it's about him._

Squeezing his eyes shut, he forced himself to break away from the kiss, to put distance between his freezing lips and the heat that called to him like a hummingbird in spring.

Hoseok's arm curled around his neck and pulled him against the older man's lips. Hoseok was awake, breaths irregular and hot mouth covering his.

Won's eyes opened wide and he placed his palms flat against Hoseok’s chest. He had been prepared to separate, to deal with the fact that he had kissed somebody in their sleep, against their will. He whimpered and stared at Hoseok’s face, so close that he could barely make out his features. His chest burned up at the proximity and oxygen rushed into his lungs through his nose.

The kiss felt as if Hoseok was stroking his lips, warm and soft, before the sensation faded gradually and he could make out the older man's black eyes, focused on him.

“Good morning,” Hoseok whispered and touched his hair, carefully brushing his fingers through it.

“G- good morning,” Won stuttered and blinked a few times, as if that would make the older man's actions in front of him more comprehensible. “It's- it's still early, you don't have to wake up.” Suddenly he felt terribly guilty for kissing Hoseok against his will, unexpectedly while the older man was asleep. He shouldn't have, even if he was curious or unsure about kissing.

_You should have asked._

“It’s been so long since I was awakened with a kiss,” Hoseok whispered and smiled. Removing his arm, the older man stretched, kicking the blanket to the side in the process and revealing his upper body in all its glory.

“I'm sorry,” Won whispered and watched, unsure what to do apart from curling up and hoping for mercy. There wasn't even a point in mercy, he shouldn't have done it. If nobody wants to kiss him that doesn't mean he should go around kissing people in their sleep.

“Why would you be sorry? It was amazing, I felt as if I lay on the beach and a cool breeze tickled my lips, I loved it.” Again, Hoseok smiled genuinely, showing his teeth and reaching for his face. “Are you weirded out by me?”

“What? No!” Won sat up quickly, letting the blanket pool in his lap and shook his head furiously. How could the black-haired man assume he was weirded out? Won was the one who kissed people in their sleep, was cold like a popsicle and didn’t even know how to kiss back. “I shouldn’t have- kissed you without asking. I am sorry for not asking and just doing something while you were asleep and couldn’t say no.”

Hoseok nodded, similar to how he reacted when one of his clients had told him about a personal struggle.

“I see your point, but I liked it. A lot.” Hoseok’s eyes travelled from his face to his body, watching him intently.

“Oh, o- okay,” Won replied quietly and felt strangely naked suddenly, chest exposed and blanket only covering his legs. Of course the cloth wouldn’t have helped his body temperature much, but the older man stared more when there was nothing covering him. “I thought I could learn if I kiss you again. I don’t want to be a popsicle that doesn’t move, as if I’m really dead.”

The older man kept staring at his body, before jumping up and walking towards the bathroom.

“You’re not dead. Just let me brush my teeth and then I’ll kiss you.”

Won’s eyes widened again and he stared at the older man and the way he climbed out of the bed to get to the bathroom.

“Okay,” he whispered again and furiously tried to think of how to be useful. Jumping up, he almost fell over because his legs weren’t ready to move yet. Crawling a few meters like an idiot, he jumped up again and hurried to the kitchen where he pressed the coffee machine button. “I will make you coffee!” he exclaimed loudly and prepared two cups as he did every morning. Again he felt anxious, but he didn’t know why. Was it anticipation?

_You’re acting like an overly excited child, focus on the important things like coffee and making Hoseok happy._

The noises that came out of the bathroom lapsed into silence and he could hear Hoseok’s steps, naked feet touching the wooden floor and coming closer. He panicked for no reason and jumped up on the counter, opening one of the cupboards to cover his face with the door while only seeing the black-haired man’s naked feet that entered the kitchen.

_What the fuck are you doing?_

“Are you okay? I really like your skin tone, by the way. I think it’s the first time that I actually saw you undressed.” The low voice came closer as Hoseok spoke, before the older man peeked from behind the cupboard-door. “Are you playing hide and seek with me?”

“It- would be a pretty shitty hideout,” Won murmured and chewed on his cheek. It was true, he hadn’t really undressed before. Maybe that was why he felt so strangely exposed in addition to his shitty kissing skills. “You gave me clothes and I put them on. I haven’t undressed since then until yesterday, when you wanted to give me heat.”

“Ah- right, was it effective? Did you like it?” The black eyes widened a little in an expression of curiosity and the older man suddenly looked way younger than he was.

“Y-yeah, it made me breathe and my blood flow. I hate feeling alive but when you do that- it’s nice somehow.” Won pressed his thighs together and grabbed the edge of the counter with his big hands, holding on tightly. “You can… remove the cupboard door if you like.”

“Okay, let’s make it scientific, because you’re adorable and I can’t handle it. You liked the way we hugged yesterday, right? You liked the kiss too, right? So would you like it if I kissed you again?” Hoseok closed the cupboard and looked at him intently. The other man’s nakedness was distracting, pale skin only interrupted by the thick line of black underwear. It was the same kind that he had given Won, safely covering his groin.

Instead of replying, Won nodded to each question, hesitating a little with the last one before reaching out and placing his right palm on Hoseok’s chest again. It was so warm, he couldn’t get used to it, no matter how often he touched it.

“Yes,” he whispered eventually and looked at the older man’s black eyes. Won licked over his plump lips quickly. He knew that it was important now. Hoseok mirrored his action and lifted his arms, reaching for his waist and wrapping them around it hesitantly. The older man didn’t hesitate judging by his dark gaze when he came closer and his eyes fluttered shut shortly before their mouths touched. Won felt the warmth of Hoseok’s chest, his arms, his lips that felt like a flame. It wasn’t static, there was movement, slow and gentle as the older man covered his bottom lip with his own and sucked it into his mouth.

He still didn’t know what to do, not at all, so he gasped and merely wrapped his arms around Hoseok’s neck instead of keeping his fingers flat against the older man’s chest and slowly curled his long legs around Hoseok’s hips. The candle was back, right there against his lips, warming them and making the blood rush in his veins, returning color and the ability to move. He felt so much, each brush of Hoseok’s curved lips against his, the heat of the other man’s mouth when he sucked on his bottom lip. The real fire was inside the other man, behind the soft lips, less like cotton and more like a cloud now that they were kissing consciously. Won tried to open his mouth a little and closed it around Hoseok’s top lip, tasting it with his tongue briefly and hoping that it was okay. He had no fucking idea.

Hoseok inhaled sharply and licked into his mouth, parting his lips, spreading the heat and setting him ablaze. His warm palms stroked over his back as he stepped closer into Won’s embrace. He could feel the sudden thrust within his ribcage before he realized what it was, a distinct heartbeat, shaking his whole body as he trembled from the intensity of Hoseok’s emotions and his own that were so intermixed he couldn’t differentiate anymore what he was feeling and which emotions belonged to the black-haired man. Won gasped again as another beat passed through him, forcing his blood to rush through his veins and warm up his skin all the way to his fingertips. It scared him, but he also didn’t want to stop, not when the fire could melt him.

His mouth was explored by Hoseok’s hot tongue as he played with him, sucked on his lips and tasted him. It even seemed as if the other man was equally burning, skin feeling hotter than it had before as he enveloped him with his body and pulled him closer, so close that he could feel the quick heartbeat against his chest.

_Your heart is beating, but his beats so quickly._

Won exhaled through his nose, lungs desperate for oxygen as he inhaled greedily and sank his fingers into the strands of Hoseok’s hair. He could feel it all too well, the silky texture and how they fit beautifully in the spaces between his fingers. He didn’t need air, he knew that he didn’t, but it seemed like he wasn’t getting enough of it, gasping into the kiss and shaking from the burn that spread throughout his limbs. The black-haired man wasn’t touching his legs, but they were burning too, heating up from the blood that travelled throughout his body.

Hoseok gasped when he tightened his grip around the older man’s hips, fingers pressing on different parts of his back, as if to feel each muscle and to get him closer. Suddenly he could feel a hot palm on his thigh, stroking along its length and digits applying pressure against his skin.

His eyes widened and a moan passed his lips. It couldn’t have been anything but a moan, sound breathy and desperate. Won had never heard himself sound like that. Hoseok’s eyes were closed as he kissed him, black eyelashes tickling his cheeks when they were close enough. There were sounds too, whenever his lips parted or Hoseok licked inside his mouth. There was no real purpose in the action, only an exchange of body heat and tasting each other, but Won liked it so much, enough to be scared.

Hoseok leaned back and stared at him, eyes black and pink blush-covered cheeks showing him that the other man must have been hot. His curved lips were slightly swollen and moist, sharp exhales parted them regularly. It was weird, but even the sound was nice to hear.

“I didn’t think this through,” Hoseok muttered, but didn’t make any attempts to loosen his embrace.

“W-what, what do you mean?” Won stuttered and didn’t recognize his own voice as the force of his heartbeat slowly reduced. First it was a small rush of hot blood to his fingertips until he barely felt it, frozen in his chest like a stone.

“You’re very attractive and I want more,” Hoseok whispered and let his dark gaze slide over his body, before reaching for his chest and brushing his index finger over one of his nipples. Won’s lips parted in a moan and he leaned back a little, only holding on because of his arms around Hoseok’s neck.

“I- have no idea what to say or do, Hoseok. My heart was beating and... it never does.” His voice was so breathy, body still burning and sensations incomprehensible. There were no guidelines, just nothing. Hoseok enjoyed it, had the same urgency that he had the night before, so was it okay? Was Won allowed to replace feelings of hurt by using himself?

“I don’t want to overwhelm you, just know that you’re stunning and it’s really hard to hold back,” the low voice whispered in his ear and he could hear a smile in the way Hoseok pronounced the last words before the older man let go and he could see that he was aroused. Won swallowed audibly and stared at Hoseok’s naked feet. This was a little out of his league.

“Why are you holding back?” he asked eventually and chewed on his cheek, feet swinging against the counter to distract him from the complexity of the situation. He wasn’t even human, he couldn’t really replace a human like that, could he?

“I told you, because I don’t want to overwhelm you and I have to be sure that you want it too, but I can’t know because you’re obviously not familiar with it. If a person uses the other person’s lack of knowledge and experience, it’s called taking advantage. I’m not someone like that. Let me get dressed real quick, then you don’t have to stare at my feet.” Hoseok chuckled and left before he could hear shuffling sounds coming from the bedroom.

Won remained sitting on the counter and wiggling his feet for a few more moments until he decided that he should get dressed too. Jumping down, he carefully made his way to the bedroom and watched Hoseok pull a pair of pants over his pale thighs.

“I’m only overwhelmed because I’m not really alive, but you- make it seem like I am,” he muttered and kept holding onto the door frame. “I don’t know if it’s okay because I am not human. It’s not in my non-existent guardian angel guide book.”

The older man stopped his movements and turned to him, observing his face for a few moments.

“To be honest, you’re more human than most people I know,” Hoseok whispered and turned back, continuing to stuff his muscular legs into the slim fit pants.

“Huh, why? My skin is cold, I don’t breathe, my heart doesn’t beat and only miserable people see me. Doesn’t sound very human to me,” he replied and finally entered the bedroom properly, looking for his pants and t-shirt. He didn’t really remember where he put them before lying in bed the day before.

“You’re cute.” Hoseok chuckled and grabbed new clothes from the wardrobe, handing him a pile that smelled like a fresh breeze. “The thing is that you see all people, no matter whether they’re miserable or not, it’s those people who aren’t human who don’t see you. You care and the heartbeat, the skin and the oxygen in our lungs are not what makes us human. Our behaviour does.” The older man turned away, but Won could see the other man smiling to himself.

“Are you happy about that?” he asked even though he could feel it. The new clothes smelled really good, so he inhaled the scent a few more times before finally putting them on. “I hope it's fine that I always wear your clothes. I don't have anything of my own. I don't own anything.”

“I am happy about that, yes. And I wanted to buy you something more fitting but I spend all my time working and hugging you, so I haven’t managed to yet.” Hoseok watched him change and his expression became more serious the longer he watched. “Ah, too bad that I have to go already, but Hobi is coming in half an hour.”

“Here? Or to your office?” Won asked immediately and was proud that his dissatisfaction with the older man meeting that Hobi guy wasn't obvious. “Can't you get a different therapist for him?”

“Office, it’s safer. And no, I can’t, because I agreed and it’s my responsibility now. It's not really therapy, more counselling.” A sad smile played around the curved corners of his mouth, as Hoseok went into the hallway and slipped into his shoes, collecting his belongings and packing his bag right after. “You weren’t very fond of him last time he was there, so maybe you can stay here.”

“I don't want to stay here. I want to protect you,” Won replied and could feel his fists curl up even if he hadn't told them to do that. “He hurts you and if he hurts you too much I am going to chase him away, whether you want me to or not. You’re being sacrificial, doing something for another person even though it hurts. That's what you said!”

“There’s nothing bad about helping people, Won. How are you going to chase him away? He can’t see you.” Hoseok sighed and slipped into a black leather jacket, probably because it was getting warmer. Hesitating for a few seconds, the older man pulled the packet of cigarettes out of his coat and made them disappear in the pocket of his jacket instead.

_He needs it._

He wanted to be the one to burn the black-haired man's lips with his own instead of the cigarette.

“He could have, he's miserable enough,” Won whispered and struggled to find the right words to express his frustration. “If he sees me I'll tell him to leave you alone and if he doesn't he will feel uncomfortable and run away. They always do.”

“Don't know about that. Hobi only runs away if he has to commit,” Hoseok murmured and pushed the handle. “Are you sure that you want to come along?”

Won quickly looked around to check if he needed something and hummed. His eyes fell on the sneakers that he quickly pulled over his feet. “I'm ready and I belong with you, so of course I will come along!”

“Stop creating romantic feelings out of nowhere, it's not very helpful,” Hoseok chuckled and watched him with a smile before closing the door behind them and running down the stairs.

_Huh, romantic feelings?_

“What do you mean?” he called after the older man and followed him as quickly as he could. Hoseok confused him a little with all the assumptions he threw at him. “I don’t know how to create romantic feelings, it’s not part of my skill set!”

“That's what you think, you're naive and adorable.” The older man was grinning while observing him with interest.

“Fuck you.” Won didn’t know why he cursed, but he had no idea how else to defend himself. It was childish but he didn’t want to be helpless and naive. “I’m sorry, I just don’t know how to prove you wrong. I have no experience with other humans. I literally woke up a week ago, Hoseok.”

“And you don't remember what happened before that?” The older man lifted his eyebrow but decided to ignore his outburst.

“No, I just woke up and knew that I needed to find the person with the ring and make them happy,” Won mumbled and jumped around a little as soon as they left the house to get used to moving around. The air was nice and fresh and he was cold anyway, so not having a jacket didn’t matter at all. “You were the person, so I watched you until I finally went to your house to become your guardian angel.”

“Oh my god. Oh my fucking god, what if you're actually a kid?” Hoseok looked terrified, eyes wide and staring at him in disbelief. “Talking about guardian angels and being all innocent. Oh god, I won't touch you, ever, I promise.”

_You are no child._

He knew that he wasn’t, but he couldn’t tell how he knew.

“What? Why?” Won’s eyes widened again, but this time he was terrified of the consequences and not of the words. He didn’t want Hoseok to never touch him again, he liked it and it made his heart beat. It was like living without all the associated pain. Living but only with the good things. “But I like it!” he exclaimed and grabbed Hoseok’s arm, pulling at it to have the older man closer. “Please touch me.”

“What? No! What if you're a kid, Won? This is crazy, you don't look like a minor but you might be one. What if it's only the body that's- grown up? Oh god, my head!” Hoseok was rubbing his temples as they entered the tram.

“Can I help you?” a pretty, blonde woman asked Hoseok after his outburst as soon as Won and him sat down in their usual spots. She was probably confused why the older man was talking to himself, stressed about somebody possibly being a minor.

Won ignored her and stared at Hoseok, the woman wasn’t close enough to feel uncomfortable, but she would if she got any closer.

“I am not a minor, Hoseok. I know that. I’m just-” _Broken, you are broken._ “I’m not human. That’s why the rules don’t apply to me. My body is my age, only the memories are gone. They aren’t necessary and would only keep me from my task.”

“If that's true- how do you explain that you don't know anything about being close to someone even though you know how to wear clothes and apparently also how to cook?” The black eyes settled on his face and he could see that Hoseok had trouble believing him. “What do you think when you look at an attractive person? Do you at some point want to see them naked? Do you want to touch them? Do you want to know how it feels when they touch you? Do you want to be close? Or do you not think about things like that?”

_Oh god._

Won froze in place. He wanted to flee, but they were in the middle of the tram and he had no escape, no direction he could really run to without causing discomfort to the people around him. It was like a bad metaphor for his feelings, a cloud of black that wandered around and nobody wanted it to be right above their heads. His breath hitched even though he hadn’t been breathing and he stared at the black-haired man next to him as heat slowly spread in his cheeks. His face was on fire and he wanted it to stop.

“Can we- not talk about this?” he murmured helplessly and looked away quickly, worried that Hoseok would be able to tell that there was heat in him. Won didn’t want it to appear by itself, he wanted it to appear if Hoseok touched him.

_What if he thinks you don’t need the heat anymore?_

“Are you blushing? Why are you blushing? Because kids don't talk about things like this? You're right, and they also don't need to think about stuff like this, it's for adults.” The older man reached for his hair and created a mess out of it by ruffling it up.

“So you think I asked to touch your chest because I thought you'd give me a fucking lollipop or what?” Won replied and groaned in frustration. How the hell was he supposed to prove to Hoseok that he wasn't a child? “You can't just give me all those things and then decide that I'm a child and don't deserve the heat. You have no proof!”

_He can do whatever the fuck he wants, Won._

Sucking his lips into his mouth, he stared at his knees while placing his left hand on top of Hoseok’s thigh. He needed the contact.

“At least you didn't touch anything else, oh god.” Hoseok closed his eyes for a few seconds. “I have no proof and you have no proof either. You touched my chest because it was warm and cuddly, which is a very childlike thing to do. Anyways, do you know the concept of ‘corrupting’? Even if you don't, it's wrong and I'm not doing stuff like that. Thank you.”

_You need to find proof._

“If- if I can prove to you that I'm not a minor, will you touch me then?” he asked and sucked air into his lungs through the small gap between his thick lips. He sounded so fucking desperate, but it was the first positive experience of being alive he’d ever had.

_But how do you know, were you alive before?_

Won had no idea.

“Right now I'm trying not to think about touching you because I think that you're a child. It means that you deserve care and a nice environment full of love and trust which I'll try to provide. But sure, prove it if you can.” The older man got up and jumped out of the tram, waiting for him to follow. Won panicked and accidentally bumped into a woman on the way. She fell to the side and stared at him in horror, eyes wide.

_Get away quickly._

Swallowing he caught up with Hoseok and grabbed his hand, holding on tightly.

“I scared her,” he murmured and used his long legs to get as far away as possible. “I'm just a- reduced person, reduced to the basics that don't hurt.”

“It's fine. Humans are mostly scared of themselves, their failures, their damaged self-esteem, their opinion of themselves, their death. It's all in there and not caused by you,” Hoseok whispered while they walked towards the familiar white building.

“Maybe I'm death,” he whispered and chewed on his cheek. “But then I should be happy.”

_But you're not. You only know that you want to make him happy and disappear._

It was Won's ultimate goal but it felt like he was taking wrong turns, moving in a direction he hadn't anticipated. He was trying out breathing and living like it was something desirable.

_Stupid, that's what you are._

“I'm sorry, you're right. I won't touch you anymore. Living has no point for me and it makes me forget all the painful sides of it. I apologize for cursing at you. It's all your choice and I will obey.”

Suddenly Hoseok looked furious, black eyes narrowing and fingers curling into tight fists. It was sudden enough to make Won let go, hugging his own hand and observing Hoseok in surprise.

“Just shut up. You're not death and you're wrong that living has no point, I don't care whether you curse at me or not and you don't need to obey either. This is why I think that you're a child. Now you only need to leave again,” the older man hissed.

It hurt, it was right behind the wall of numbness, but Won knew it was there, he could feel it knocking. He didn't run away, instead he stared straight ahead and focused on the slight burn in his chest and the heat in his eyes. Maybe he was finally fading, that would have been amazing.

“I should have just died the first time,” he whispered and placed one foot in front of the next.

“First time? Is this the reason you're with me? To die? I'm afraid I'm the person you shouldn’t have come to if you want to die, because I will make you want to live so badly that you won't be able to think about anything else,” Hoseok whispered back and he could see tears in the corners of the other man's eyes before he turned away and ran up the stairs.

_You made him cry._

Won stopped at the bottom of the stairs, ignoring the people that wanted to go up but didn't because he was standing there, useless and a waste of physical space.

_You can't even make somebody else happy, how the hell are you supposed to want to live?_

***

His brain was a mess and felt as if there were too many realities he had to pay attention to. Starting with his developing attraction towards the young man with the red eyes, his wish to be close and to connect his lips to Won's plump mouth that melted against his like a snowflake on burning skin. Then there was the sudden realization that the black-haired boy was a child, a minor, inexperienced and naive, fascinated by warmth and the affection that Hoseok was able to give him while touching him. As if the thought wasn't terrifying enough, the boy told him he wanted to die and that he would obey. The words created a chaotic mixture of emotions, forcing tears to burn in the corner of his eyes as he ran up the stairs and shut the door. His breaths were irregular and he felt scared. Scared that Won would go away somewhere he wouldn't find him again, that the red-eyed boy wouldn't want to stay next to him after what he said.

_Everyone deserves to know what wanting to live feels like. At least once._

He brushed his tears away and prepared for more emotional labour as the bell rang and he heard Hobi's steps in the stairway.

“Is something wrong?” the familiar voice asked as Hobi moved towards him. Hoseok didn't want to talk about it and he doubted that the other man was genuinely interested. He only remembered how Hoseok looked when he was upset.

“A lot of clients to think about, nothing major. Did you talk to him?” He sat down to not stand around in the middle of the room and suppressed the urge to smoke.

_Why do you need to suppress it? Just smoke when you're done._

“I did. We still love each other but he wants so much, Hoseok! He wants to be together forever and adopt a dog, this is crazy.” The words hurt so much because it immediately triggered memories of how they parted.

_He didn't want to stay together forever._

“I understand that nobody can promise such a thing, but did you tell him that you didn't want a serious relationship? He might have hoped for that at some point,” Hoseok pressed out.

_Like you._

“But why wasn't he satisfied with what he had? We were so happy, Hoseok, you can't even imagine, but then he started talking about the future and everything went to shit. Like you back then, you did the same.” The words were so painful that he had to hold his breath, trying to keep his professional attitude. He wasn't supposed to talk about his problems, only about Hobi's. He was someone he counseled, not his long time boyfriend who abandoned him and went to China leaving an open wound that he came to pour salt into once again.

“How do you feel now that you’ve left him?” he asked mechanically, eyes focused on the younger man's hands. He could still remember how they felt on his skin, roaming over his body, touching him.

“I miss him, but I miss you too. You know me, don't you? You know that I can't do ‘future’. We can be happy together again, I will make you forget everything around you, I swear,” Hobi whispered and moved towards him, climbing on his lap and leaning so close that his warm lips brushed over his, so different from how Won's mouth felt.

_You can't be doing this, Hoseok._

His hands shook as they wrapped around the other man's slim waist automatically.

“But I'm not what you want, Hobi. I'm not,” he whispered back and closed his eyes. Instead of a reply there was a hot tongue licking into his mouth and the slim body shifting closer on his lap. It felt so painfully familiar, burning in his insides. It would've been so easy, so easy to just give in to let the younger man have his way, set him ablaze.

_He's not here. No-one is here to stop you._

His eyes slipped to the door, but instead of seeing white, there were two red orbs staring at him, watching intently.

Won was leaning against the door, hands in the pockets of the too loose jeans that Hoseok had given him and black bangs hanging into his beautiful, red eyes. The boy was shaking his head slowly.

_He's here. Judging you._

He turned away, trying to ignore it and kissed back with vigour but it hurt. It hurt so much that he broke the kiss and stared at the familiar brown eyes, the pink blush and the parted lips.

“Please don't,” he heard the black-haired boy whisper behind them. “It hurts you, Hoseok.”

“Why do you care?” he whispered and Hobi thought it was for him, kissing his lips repeatedly and telling him that he cares because he likes him.

He didn't hear the steps, but the cold fingers around his arm were familiar. Hobi was pressed against his chest with a sudden force and the brown-haired man gasped, probably from the cold sensation. Won's eyes were focused on him, a bright red colour as the black-haired boy let his hand slip upwards to his chin and turned his head. There were only a few seconds of big eyes and plump lips until he felt a cool breeze against his lips, applying pressure and replacing the previous heat.

_He kissed you._

He turned to Hobi, pushing the younger man from his lap and exhaled sharply.

“Listen, let's not do this. I'm supposed to be professional with you. We can't solve your problems if you get intimate with me. Let's talk tomorrow,” he whispered and glanced over to Won. The black-haired boy was quick to step back as if he hadn't been close. Only the way he licked over his lips and wrapped his arms around his slim waist revealed that something had happened between them.

“I've never expected you to be professional. If I wanted professional help I would've gotten someone else. You can't be professional with me because you still like me, Hoseok,” Hobi murmured and left while avoiding Won and taking the longer way to the door.

_He's right, isn't he?_

“What are you doing?” he asked as soon as they were alone.

“Trying to save you from pain,” the younger man murmured and stepped closer, red eyes examining him carefully. “Are you even giving him official appointments or is this all your personal time and sanity?”

“I don't have free appointments, I have a hundred people on my waiting list, so I have to do it during my private time. You don't need to save me from pain, I'm fine,” he muttered and took a cigarette out of the packet, lighting it up and taking a deep drag.

“What's the point in lying to me, Hoseok?” Won looked disappointed, lips pressed together into a thin line and long fingers playing with the fabric of his shirt. It looked a little damp from raindrops. “There isn't much you can help him with. He's only miserable because he hates being alone, but it's his choice. You aren't the solution to his problem and you know it.”

“I'm not. But I might be able to help him if he needs it.” Hoseok sighed and closed his eyes. Smoking in the dark was nice, there was nothing but his physical reaction to nicotine, nothing but the pulling in his insides and nothing but his thoughts.

“But at what cost?” the familiar low voice asked next to his ear and he felt cold arms wrap around his waist from behind, keeping enough distance to maintain his body heat. “I didn't ask first, but- is this okay?”

“I can't be close to you if you're a child, Won,” he whispered and took another drag, keeping the smoke in his lungs until the lack of oxygen forced him to exhale.

“Do I hurt you, Hoseok? Does being close to me hurt you the way his touch rips you apart?” Won leaned in, slim chest pressing to his back and the boy's chin rested on his shoulder.

“No. I like being close to you, but there is a line I won't cross and that line is you being a minor. There are a lot of things you need to learn before you can decide whether being close to me is what you really want. Why did you kiss me?” he asked quietly and put out his cigarette, before placing his palm over Won's big hand. The boy's fingers tightened in his shirt as he spoke, reacting to his rejection.

“Because I can make you feel better than he can,” Won whispered into his ear, plump lips brushing over his neck. There were goosebumps on his back and chest and he immediately reacted to the young man's lips, exhaling roughly and holding Won's hand in his.

“How old are you?” he asked quietly, before turning around and embracing the black-haired boy tightly. This way he wasn't able to kiss Hoseok or make him react.

Instead of following his expectations, Won wrapped his arms around his neck and held on tightly as he forced Hoseok to bear the weight of his lean body. Holding on, the black-haired boy curled his legs around his hips, attaching himself completely.

“I don't know,” he murmured, “I don't know, but I know that I'm old enough. I'm not a child, I- have knowledge of experiences that a child couldn't have, even if they aren't with another person. Don't push me away because of something you assume, Hoseok.”

He gasped and stared at the beautiful, black-haired boy, his red eyes and his plump lips. Hoseok wanted to kiss him again.

“What kind of experiences, Won? I- I have to be sure that I'm not taking advantage of you, that you know what you're doing by behaving like this-” He gestured down on himself and chewed on his lips.

“I-” Won began but stopped, face impossibly close to Hoseok’s and lips parting. He could see that the boy wanted to be intimate, to kiss him and let his big, red eyes flutter shut. “I know how to drive, I did when I had to find you first. I- I can't be a minor.”

_He knows how to drive._

He didn't say anything, instead he walked a few steps and pressed the boy's back against the wall, clashing their lips together. He was insane and there were only ten minutes left until the next client was supposed to come, but he felt like he had been unable to breathe and finally inhaled precious oxygen.

Won whimpered into the kiss and gasped when his back hit the wall. The black-haired boy’s hands wandered over his shoulders and back while he could feel plump lips part to allow him in. It was still careful and inexperienced, but also willing and desperate. Hoseok licked into his mouth, like it was an ice cream, cool and delicious, before sucking his thick bottom lip into his mouth and playing with it. The only thought in his head consisted of being close to the gorgeous boy in his arms. He was graced by a low and breathy moan that suddenly left Won's throat. He could tell that the younger man was burning up, skin melting at the contact with his own and absorbing the heat. For a brief moment it seemed like he felt a heartbeat under his fingertips, but there were no faculties available to pay attention to it.

“H- Hoseok,” Won stuttered and reached for his hair, pulling at it lightly and tilting his head back with another low moan passing his lips.

_He's stunning. The way he reacts is addicting._

“Do you like it? Do you like me kissing you like this?” He pressed his hips against Won's body to hold him in place as he let one hand travel along his neck and chest. “Do you like how I touch you? Do you want me to?”

The beautiful boy was breathing heavily, chest rising and falling rapidly and long fingers grasping whatever they could reach. His bright red eyes focused on his face, fluttering shut in between like he struggled to reply. The boy's cheeks were a beautiful pink.

“I do,” Won whispered and nodded briefly before throwing his head back and trembling in Hoseok’s hold. “Why- why did my age matter so much, Hoseok? Why is it okay now, what can I ask from you? I- still don't know.”

“Because now I know that you're not a child, I know that you're able to say no when I ask you,” he replied and brushed a strand behind Won's pretty ear. “What you can ask from me? Whatever you like apart from causing you harm.”

Won licked over his lips and nodded before placing his cool palm over the back of Hoseok’s hand and leading it carefully along his neck and to his chest, passing over his hips to his thigh.

“But- age is just a number, how… can you tell from the number alone?” he whispered but only tightened his legs around Hoseok’s hips and leaned in, kissing his mouth again.

He loved how Won's thigh felt under his fingertips as he stroked over it's length, using his nails to scratch over the jeans the young man was wearing.

“The number is there to protect children, so one says that starting at 18 they're able to foresee consequences. Still, even between adults one should always ask for consent, especially before touching each other like this. It's- it's very intimate, you know?” His lips attached to Won's as soon as he finished talking.

The pretty boy only nodded into the kiss and whimpered again, body trembling and lips searching for his desperately whenever they separated. Won threw himself into the heat, much more so than he had before, letting go in Hoseok’s hands and without hesitation.

“But- but we can't do this here because I have to work and I can't be all hot and bothered before meeting a client. They have problems, you know?” Hoseok leaned back hesitantly and licked over his lips. “Why do you have to be so attractive? Damn it.”

Won smiled at the comment despite being out of breath and pressed a palm to his own chest, eyes big. One might have thought the younger man was fascinated by what he could feel.

“You might be the only one thinking that,” Won replied and glanced to the door. “There… is somebody waiting but they are scared to come in. Do you- want me to leave or sit in the corner?”

“It depends on what you're going to do while sitting in the corner. You can stay if you promise to behave and not kiss me all of a sudden in the middle of a session.” He winked and stepped back, getting the file out of the cupboard.

“I won't!” Won exclaimed loudly and hurried over to the chair he had occupied during the first day that he attempted to prove to Hoseok that nobody could see him. It was adorable how the black-haired boy sat down and placed his palms on his thighs, as if to prove that he would behave. His red eyes were wide open and his plump mouth was a little swollen from kissing. “I'll be good, I promise.”

_Oh god._

“What did I do to deserve this?” he muttered to himself and went to the door, letting the slim woman inside and trying to forget how Won's lips felt when he kissed him.

_He felt warm._

_

 

His work day ended and he successfully managed to smoke his evening cigarette, even though Won kept judging him with his red eyes narrowed and lips curled in distaste. He was really good at facial expressions.

He kept thinking about a client, so their conversation was reduced to a minimum and they quietly walked next to each other. Won didn't make many sounds, not while talking and living in general.

_He said he isn't alive._

The concept was weird, what was he if not alive? He wasn't dead either because death was a void of meaningless nothing, not interacting with life and existing like a black hole that simply swallowed what sunk inside.

He opened the door and walked in, throwing his shoes off his feet and moving towards his living room. The soft couch adjusted to his body as he simply sunk into it, feet bouncing over the armrest.

“Hoseok?” Won asked quietly and slipped to the floor before crawling over to the couch and leaning his back against it. For some reason the boy didn't bother to sit on it. Hoseok hummed in reply, eyes closed and enjoying the weightless sensation of sinking into the soft fabric.

“You said that consent is important to you and that you didn't want me to be a minor, so that I could say no when you ask me, right?” Won continued and lifted his right hand, index finger sliding over Hoseok’s thigh to his knee. The boy's black hair was sprawled over his stomach.

“I didn't say I didn't want you to be a minor. I said that I can't be intimate with you if you're a minor, but you know how to drive, so you must be over eighteen.” Smiling he flexed his abdominal muscles in reaction to Won's touch.

“But it's important for you to ask for consent and for me to be able to say no, correct?” the black-haired boy inquired again and played with his knee by pulling his fingers into the form of a kissing mouth and letting them spread apart on their way down. It tickled, so he jerked a little.

“Yes. You know, sometimes we behave in a way that prevents the person we're interacting with from reacting in a natural way. For example applying pressure, combining something they might not want with pleasurable sensations that make it hard to speak out. This is why consent is important, not only before you do something, I'm also talking about the process. Maybe you wanted me to kiss you, but felt overwhelmed in the middle of it, so I have to pay attention and make sure that you still like it, that you still want the things I'm doing to you,” Hoseok elaborated, gesturing with his right hand and looking at the ceiling.

“Aren't you a hypocrite then?” the pretty boy whispered and turned around, big palms pushing against Hoseok’s thigh and his shoulder. Won's big, red eyes were staring at him intently.

“Huh? Did I do something you didn't like? Oh god, I'm so sorry, I really didn't mean to. I'll try to keep it in mind,” Hoseok muttered. He felt so bad for ignoring Won’s feelings and signals.

“You misunderstood me.” Won pursed his lips and glanced to the side before continuing. He wasn't breathing, chest calm and skin as cold as Hoseok remembered it. “I'm not only talking about you, I'm talking about him. He never asks first, he just kisses you even though he knows that you cannot say no. He's shamelessly doing it, all those things you dislike. I hate him for it.”

_He's talking about Hobi._

“He- it's different because he can see that a part of me still wants it and he is used to the way I reacted before, he doesn't understand that I changed. Well- apart from the inability to decline, I guess.” He smiled and brushed his hair back, avoiding the boy's intense gaze.

“But you know that he is still taking advantage of you. You told him that he shouldn't and that you're not in that relationship anymore, but he still jumps on your lap and tries to seduce you to feel better and wanted. I can feel it and it hurts you. I won't let him hurt you, Hoseok. Not while I'm here.” Won chewed on his cheek and removed his cold hands from his body. “Can I hug you? Tell me the truth.”

Sighing, he closed his eyes and nodded. There wasn't much he could've said in Hobi's defence, not without disrespecting his ex-boyfriend's privacy. It was an issue, but it remained complex and naming a problem didn't solve it, did it?

The black-haired boy was careful as the fingers of his right hand walked up his upper arm and wrapped around his neck as the left brushed over his ribs and stopped at his waist. Instead of hugging him tightly, Won placed his head on his chest, right above his heart.

“I like how it sounds,” the boy murmured and closed his eyes. Hoseok reached for Won's black hair and stroked over it gently, barely touching it and only feeling the silky texture under his palm.

“You were warm when I kissed you,” he said quietly.

“But-” Won lifted his head again and stared at him. “I can't produce warmth on my own. It felt hot, but it must have been because I was so angry and upset because of the way he treated you. You feel so much better when it is me kissing you, there is only urgency and-” The black-haired boy sucked his lips into his mouth and stared at his own hand on Hoseok’s waist instead of his face. “There were only positive and neutral emotions.”

“Neutral? Excuse me? If you think that there was anything neutral about how I felt when I kissed you then you obviously don't know how to read my mood,” Hoseok huffed and turned to the side. He had been losing his mind, there was so much he had wanted to do and he even did it while being at his workplace. He was insane.

“But- confusion and surprise are neutral and you were surprised and confused by how much you want me,” Won replied and stroked his waist in calming motions. “It feels strange to say this with my own mouth.”

“Whatever you say.” Hoseok crossed his arms over his chest and stared at the fabric his couch was made of.

“Did I upset you with what I said?” Won sounded guilty and pulled at the fabric of his shirt, like he hoped to get his attention. “There were a lot of positive emotions too, like- like a-arousal, but it's difficult for me to talk about it.” It was only a second that the black-haired boy looked at him before he buried his face in his chest, groaning.

“Yes, you're attractive and yes, I'm losing my mind when I get intimate with you, when you touch me and I get aroused when I think about the sounds you make.” He returned his gaze to the man who lay on top of his chest. “Good that we talked about this. But you were warm. You felt warm to me.”

“It's strange, I guess you warmed me up like before,” Won whispered and rubbed his nose against Hoseok’s shirt. “You're always so warm, a ring of fire that I jump through.”

“You like the warmth, don't you?” he whispered back and reached for Won's cheek, letting his fingers brush over the cool, smooth skin hesitantly.

“Y-yeah, it seems like there are no repercussions when you touch me. Usually I hate feeling alive and prefer the numbness, but you make it okay somehow.” Sighing, the pretty boy lifted his head and stood up. The clothes really looked too loose on him. “I will warm up some stew for you.”

“I don't want stew. Come back.” Hoseok closed his eyes and caught himself missing the weight of Won's head laying on his chest.

The black-haired boy smiled a little and waddled back, sinking to his knees in front of the couch and placing his hands on his own slim thighs.

“And now?” Won asked. “You can't eat me, can you? You need nutrients.”

“That's what you think, because you're innocent.” He grinned and spread his arms. “It's motivated by my selfishness, but I could warm you up if you like.”

Won nodded slowly and instead of embracing him as Hoseok had expected, the younger man climbed up on the couch and sat down on his stomach, lean arms wrapping around him. The boy must have wanted to melt into him, pressing himself flat against his chest and burying his face in the depths of the couch next to Hoseok’s head.

“But you will eat later, okay?” the boy mumbled indistinctly.

“Why do you like being close to me?” he asked quietly, and wrapped his arms around Won's waist. His breath must have tickled the boy's ear and Won shifted a little, hesitant with his reply.

“It's- hot like a candle that welcomes me instead of hurting me. It makes my heart beat and my lungs breathe. I feel so much when you are close, a brush of fingers is like a squeeze. Everything is just- very intense.” Suddenly Won inhaled and kept the air in his lungs for a little longer than usual before exhaling slowly.

“You feel like snow that falls on my burning skin and melts into me. The feeling is addicting and I want to feel it again,” Hoseok whispered and sunk his fingers into the boy's hair.

“N-now?” Won breathed out and hugged him tighter, thighs quivering briefly. The black-haired man was cold and didn't breathe, but his actions told Hoseok that he wanted to be close.

“How about you? What do you want?” he asked, still stroking over Won's hair.

“I want to be close, but my brain tells me that you need to eat because you are human and have only eaten a few apples at work. How… am I supposed to take care of you if I only demand things?” Won still kept his face buried in the soft couch, but didn't move away from him, cooling his overheated skin.

“I'm fine and there's a difference between demanding things and answering a question. I only asked because I hoped for a specific positive answer.” Smiling, he shifted a little higher on the couch.

“You- wanted to hear that I want to be close? Isn't it obvious after what I told you?” Won sighed and finally lifted his head, sitting up on Hoseok’s stomach. The black-haired boy's hands were placed on his chest, applying a little bit of pressure. “Are you playing with me, Hoseok?”

“I'm playing the same game you're playing with me, Won.” He smiled and and licked over his lips. “You said you're only here to please me in one way or the other, but I'm not up for that game. I'm up for doing what we both like.”

The slim boy pouted at that, fingers curling up in his shirt and pulling at it a little.

“It's no game. I'm fulfilling my purpose whereas you deem it important to please me for some reason. Have you ever seen a human making his guardian angel happy?”

“That's a story made by humans to make others believe that it's okay to only receive without giving anything. I'm not religious, I told you,” he hissed, eyes narrowing. “Do you think I was fine with you leaving just like that a few days ago? I was fucking devastated even though I assumed that you were a hallucination, but I can't force you to stay. You're free to do whatever you like, even if you don't think so.”

“You don't need to force me to stay because I'm going to, no matter what happens.” Won nodded slowly, eyes big and determined. “I'm sorry for upsetting you when I left. I got emotional, it's not like me. There are no real emotions in the first place, but when my body gets warm they just appear out of nowhere. You shouldn't touch me if you want to avoid it, it's- I don't know why it happens.” The slim but broad shoulders rose and fell in a shrug and Hoseok could feel Won's thighs contract on top of him.

He lifted his upper body until he was facing the black-haired boy, only leaving a few centimeters between their faces. Won was so incredibly beautiful from up close.

“I want to set you ablaze,” Hoseok whispered.

“Why?” the boy whispered back, red eyes wide and getting brighter the more distance Hoseok bridged.

“Because I want to show you what it's like to be enveloped by fire and to feel everything at once.”

The plump, red lips parted in an exhale and Won’s hands travelled from Hoseok’s chest to his shoulders, holding on carefully.

“Will it burn me down?” he asked and exhaled, cold air brushing over Hoseok’s face.

“I won't let it burn you down. Never.” Hoseok swallowed and came closer, exhaling into the boy's ear and moving his lips over the line of his neck carefully. He could feel Won's Adam's apple bob as he swallowed, hands continuously tightening their grip.

“But that's what I want, Hoseok.”

_He wants to stop being here._

“Too bad that it's the only thing I'm able to decline,” he whispered into the curled up ear and placed a kiss against its shell. “Why don't you just stay away from me if you hate it so much. So much that you want to disappear?”

“W-what?” Won stuttered, obviously shocked by his comment, shaking his head furiously. “I don't hate you, not at all. I don't want to disappear because of you, not at all! It's only- the reason I came here. I woke up and that's what I knew. I have a purpose, to make you happy and then disappear. What else am I supposed to do? There is no point in my existence, Hoseok.”

_It sounds so familiar._

“Let's find one.” Leaning back, he watched the bright red eyes as he reached for his mouth and placed a kiss against his index finger before letting it touch Won's incredibly soft lips. “I want to.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What the fuck are you doing?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 19th of May at 2 PM CET.
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Won felt unprepared for his purpose. Whenever somebody had a goal they had to reach, a task for themselves and they were appointed for it, then there had to be competence. There was the necessity to know what one was doing, what the steps were to fulfil all the sub goals, but it seemed like Won knew absolutely nothing about his task.

_As he said, you are naive._

He didn't know why he was the one to make Hoseok happy. Why was he chosen to fulfil it? Why was it the last step before disappearing? What happened before? Did he die?

There were so many questions that he didn't have the answer to. He didn't even have the knowledge and the skill to convince another person of his competence. Hoseok didn't want him to burn and didn't want him to disappear. The way the older man spoke told him that as soon as there was a single sign for Won finishing his task, Hoseok would do anything to make sure it wasn't fulfilled.

_He doesn't want you to disappear, but why? How can he be sure that it's better this way, not a human, but also not something independent?_

Won simply existed, taking up space. There was no reason to be concerned about him and also no point in caring about his existence. Hoseok should have been grateful and used him in every possible way, made him work and become a source of happiness.

_Instead he wants to give you a purpose. Why?_

“But I have a purpose, Hoseok, exactly one,” he murmured and didn't know what to do with his hands, pulling at Hoseok’s shirt. Everything was so warm because of their proximity and he didn't know how to deal with it and the tingling sensation on each spot that the older man touched. “My purpose is to make you happy. There is no other point in existing for a being like me. I don't belong anywhere and I definitely don't belong here.”

_You never did._

He gasped at the thought, but to Hoseok it must have seemed like a reaction to his intense gaze, the black eyes that watched his every move.

“There is no such thing as a ‘being like me’. My previous experiences tell me that there's no point in letting people get close to me because they'll only use me and I'll be left alone, helpless and without resources, ‘a useless person’, but it's only my brain talking. It doesn't mean anything. If there is even one thought inside your beautiful head that makes you want to help a person, there is a purpose and there is a point of existing,” the older man whispered, smiling a little.

_Are you like that too, Won? Are you using him to disappear? Even helping somebody could mean that you are rotting inside._

“But that is not what you tell others, Hoseok.” Won immediately remembered the sessions he had watched, the numerous times when Hoseok told his clients they shouldn't live for somebody else, or get better for somebody else but themselves. “You- you always say that one shouldn't live for somebody else. Do you- really think that you're worthy because you help others?”

“No. And you misunderstood me. I just voiced how much I admire you for having such thoughts in the first place. One shouldn't live for somebody else, in the end you die alone, so you should live for yourself. Always. I also live for myself.” Sighing, Hoseok removed his hand from his face. “I won't help you if fading away is what you want.”

_He said it again, but what else could you possibly do? You know nothing apart from his life and how to make it easier._

“But I am still going to make you happy,” Won whispered, unsure what to do after a direct rejection of his ultimate goal. What else was he supposed to do if not fade away? “I just don't understand why you would want me to stay in the world. Don't you want everything to make sense? Don't you want invisible people and someone like me, who makes others miserable by standing next to them, gone?”

“No. I don't want you to be gone. I want you to exist somewhere, even if you leave me and decide that I'm hopeless,” the older man whispered.

_He's scared of you leaving, Won. It's the same thing that happened to him before._

By taking care of the older man and being close to him, Won was doing exactly what Hobi had done, sharing space and intimacy only to disappear again.

_Only that you would be really gone, forever._

“I- I would never leave because you are hopeless, never. You aren't hopeless, Hoseok. It's- something that was decided for me. I have no choice anymore,” he whispered, terrified that he would break something with his disappearance, break the black-haired man after giving him happiness.

_What is the point then? What's the point of his happiness if you make him miserable by disappearing._

“You were _sent_ to help me because I'm hopeless, Won. But it's fine, I'm fine.” Hoseok got up and let him slide down his body until his feet touched the carpet next to the couch. “Maybe I can even help someone by being hopeless, namely you. I guess that's what I should be doing instead of thinking about your lips.” Turning away, the broad figure left, naked feet making noises on the wooden planks and causing them to creak once in a while.

_He's thinking about your lips instead of helping you?_

“But I don't need help!” he exclaimed and tried to follow, falling to the ground because his body hadn't been ready to move. “Please don't run away from me again! I- I hate it when I cannot follow.” Still sitting on the floor, he stared at his palms against the wood and wondered why he felt so devastated. Before he had been fine with the solution, with letting Hoseok help him while secretly working on the older man's happiness. The solution had been fine before, so what changed?

_You know what will happen to him once you leave, you know him too well by now._

There were so many emotions again and he could barely breathe, throat clogging up and eyes burning. He wasn't supposed to feel anything, but here he was, feeling so much at once. Scratching over the floor with his nails, he rolled up and tried to stop breathing, to calm his chest and remember what it had been like, how peaceful it had been.

_Not feeling is better._

He heard steps again, this time quick ones before Hoseok's warm arms enveloped him, pulling him into the older man's embrace.

“I don't know what to do. Usually I just deal with it, I just suffer through, but I don't know how I'm supposed to do it with you, Won. I- I'm really sorry if I hurt you. I don't mean to, but I keep doing it. Please forgive me,” the low voice whispered in his ear, heat travelling along his back and arms while centering at his chest, where he could feel Hoseok's heartbeat, strong and quick.

“No- it's-” Won didn't know how to express it. The memory of Hoseok’s pain was still fresh in his mind, the way the black-haired man suffered because of a past love. He didn't want to be the reason for the same or even similar pain. “It's me- I don't want to be the one to hurt you. I want to chase away everybody who even thinks about hurting you, but what if it's me? I don't want it to be me.”

“But how can you hurt me if you're my guardian angel?” Hoseok chuckled lowly and stroked over his head.

“By disappearing,” he whispered and wrapped his arms around the older man's waist. Hoseok was holding him tightly, warming his insides, but it only increased the intensity of the emotions within him. The fear grew and so did the pain in his eyes and the burning in his throat.

_That's why you hate emotions, they hurt, they hurt so much._

“Then don't, I'll stay hopeless and you'll stay here until I am happy. That's what you said.” The black-haired man kissed along his neck and the spot under his ear.

_But that's not a solution, you're not even human._

“I don't want you to be hopeless, I want you to be happy, but when you are I will disappear. Will you still be happy then? I don't know, what's the whole point of this task if you won't?” Won whimpered at the pressure in his chest and tried to wrap himself tighter around the older man, to melt into Hoseok.

“Ah. That. You know, after you came I started thinking that it's probably my only way to be happy, to get attached to someone who will leave when I'm the happiest. But you know, I experienced it before, it's like a routine. I should've known when you told me. Don't think about it, it's not that I'm anywhere close to being hopeful.” Hoseok chuckled bitterly, but kept stroking his head and comforting him.

_Why is he so convinced that he cannot be loved for longer than the duration of a touch?_

There was a voice in him, one that told him he had thought the same way, convinced that there was no point and that he didn't belong. Won believed it even now, being somebody that didn't breathe and didn't have a heartbeat, not unless another person sacrificed their affection.

_You can't exist in this world forever._

“That's not true. You- you are wonderful, Hoseok. I don't want anybody to hurt you anymore, I don't care who it is. If it is me, I want to punish myself even more. I felt it, I felt the pain and I don't want to feel it again. That's why I avoided feelings, avoided life. The pain is unbearable.” He shook his head furiously, burying his face in the older man's chest and inhaling the sweet, already familiar scent. He couldn't imagine being without it anymore.

“You're indeed my guardian angel, always concerned about my pain and my feelings. Don't worry, I'll be fine, I've been living like this for a long time, it's not bad, I'll continue living like this. I just hope that you won't be hurt, you didn't do anything wrong.” Hoseok's palms cupped his face and the beautiful, black-haired man kissed him briefly, only a moment where his lips were lit by the candle, burning afterwards as a reminder of how it felt.

The brief touch immediately sent a heatwave through him, burning all the way to his fingertips. It was pleasant, positive, numbing the pain in his chest he couldn't explain.

_Don't let it go._

Won's eyes widened and he removed his hands from Hoseok’s waist, grabbing the older man's face instead.

“Don't stop,” he whispered and bridged the distance again, feeling the burn return and send a rush of blood to his face. “Please.”

The curved lips parted in a rough exhale before attaching to his mouth, kissing it repeatedly. Strong hands pulled him closer against Hoseok's body. Won let himself be embraced and it was tight enough to squeeze the air out of his lungs, making him gasp for more. He needed the oxygen, yearned for it when they were close, kissing, touching and wrapping around each other.

“I won't hurt you, I won't,” he murmured and shook his head before kissing back as well as he could. He still didn't know how, whether he had to apply pressure himself, lick over the black-haired man's curved mouth and taste him. He didn't know and let himself be led, gasping at each contact of their tongues and each breath they shared.

_He has to become tired of you, to understand that there is no place for you in this world. He needs to be happy without you._

“I love the way you taste and the way you feel,” Hoseok whispered before licking into his mouth. The older man pulled him on top of his lap, but lost balance and they landed on the wooden floor, Hoseok's back hitting the hard surface. It must have been meaningless as the curved lips immediately returned to his, warm arms wrapped around him and he could feel Hoseok's muscular thigh around his hips, pushing him down.

Won gasped, overwhelmed by the closeness and the heat. There were so many sensations at once, the hot breaths, the way Hoseok’s lips felt against his, the relief at being close and knowing that the older man felt the same way. How was a single person able to bear so many emotions at once? He struggled but he still wanted to be closer, to burn in the black-haired man's embrace and forget whatever happened around him. Won shifted and slipped his leg between Hoseok’s, attempting to drown in the warmth and the touches. It seemed like the right thing to do, better than his thoughts and his concerns.

_You make him feel this way. It's you._

 He must've touched a sensitive spot as he heard Hoseok moan for the first time. The sound was low and breathy, followed by a sharp intake of oxygen. The other man's curved lips travelled over his neck, sucking on his skin and placing kisses along his shoulder.

“Do you like it, Won? Do you like being close like this?”

He nodded, gasping again at the way his blood travelled to each spot that Hoseok touched. The older man was causing his skin to tingle and his fingers to shake as he reached for black strands of hair and pulled a little. Won didn't want to hurt Hoseok, but he didn't know what else to do with his hands, holding on desperately.

“I like it too, I like it so much.” Hoseok's fingers travelled along his covered back and stopped at the seam of his shirt. “Can I touch you under your clothes?” The black-haired man looked at him, black eyes sparkling and pink blush covering his pale cheeks.

His teeth settled on his bottom lip and he glanced down at Hoseok and how beautiful he looked, watching him intently and with anticipation. Won could feel the urgency, it was right there, underneath the desire and the self-control the older man displayed. He remembered the way it had felt to embrace Hoseok without clothes, to touch his naked skin and let the black-haired man surround him completely. Won was breathing, but his heart wasn't beating yet.

_But Hoseok can make it._

“Yes,” he whispered and shifted again, nervous and excited for reasons he couldn't explain. The black-haired man had touched his naked skin before, there was no reason for his breath to hitch and his eyes to widen, but they still did.

Hoseok nodded and slipped both hands under his shirt, warm fingers roaming over his back, stroking over his waist and attempting to have him even closer.

“Touching you feels exhilarating,” the low voice breathed out and he could feel how fast Hoseok's heart beat against his chest. It was incomparable to his own that was still, only the increased frequency of his breaths and the versatility of his sensations told him that he wasn't numb. Won was becoming human each time that Hoseok touched him.

_It's the only time that you belong._

“Touch me more then,” he whispered before grabbing Hoseok’s collar tightly and rolling to the side, taking the black-haired man along and pulling him on top of him. Won used the moment to remove his leg from in between Hoseok’s. When his back hit the ground, cool compared to his warmed up skin, he wrapped his long legs around the older man's hips. It was almost like the last time when Hoseok was everywhere around him, kissing him intently.

“I want to kiss your skin, all of it. Can I take off your shirt and kiss you, Won?” Hoseok asked while his lips still couldn't stop tasting his neck and mouth.

Instead of replying, he loosened his embrace and placed his arms above his head. He didn't mind Hoseok taking off his shirt, it had been meaningless to him before, but now there was a first heartbeat that shook his chest. It must have been from the excitement, a tingling in his stomach that didn't stop no matter how much time passed. His body seemed to know what was happening, burning up in advance.

“Undress me,” he murmured when Hoseok’s black eyes settled on his face and the way he held his arms, but the black-haired man didn't act on it yet. A few moments passed with Hoseok watching him and licking over his lips before his warm fingers pulled his shirt over his head. Again, the older man stared at his body for a few long seconds and leaned in, placing a soft kiss against his chest.

“Why- why do you stare so much?” he asked quietly and glanced to the side, embarrassed that there was something off to evoke so much attention. There was no disgust in Hoseok’s emotions, but Won wasn't able to explain it with desire alone. Shouldn't Hoseok have touched him more instead of observing his naked skin if the desire was really that strong?

“Because you're dazzling. Your body is elegant and gorgeous, I wanted to look closer,” was the older man's reply before his lips closed around one of his nipples.

The sudden rush of blood was different this time, accompanied by warmth that didn't seem to come from the hot mouth alone. It felt like his body burned up on its own, pulling a sound that must have been a moan from his lips, breathy and desperate. Won didn't know if that expressed his state, the way his hands kept pulling at the black hair and the shirt that still covered Hoseok's chest. There was so much urgency that he couldn't tell if it was his own or Hoseok’s.

The older man's hair was tickling his skin as he travelled over his chest and stomach, kissing his body and sucking on certain spots. Hoseok licked a strip down from his navel and looked up, cheeks blushed and black eyes watching him.

Won could read them, he could read the emotions that seemed to pour from Hoseok’s gaze, surround him and fill out the older man's chest. There was so much desire, taking over everything else and splashing past his fingertips. His lips and throat acted independently, producing moans and whimpers with each touch against his skin. Even when Hoseok wasn't touching him, staring at him instead, Won couldn't help whimpering at the sensations that mixed with the loud thumps of his heart.

“You feel warmer,” Hoseok whispered and attached his lips to Won's hip bones. “Do you like the way I'm touching you?”

“Y-yeah,” he moaned in reply as soon as a hot tongue licked right next to the seam of his jeans, riding low on his narrow hips. Won removed his hands from Hoseok’s shoulders and covered his face instead, moaning again at the burgeoning heat that must have been generated by his own body. His face was ablaze and the blood rushed to his ears and to his fingers, slowly spreading out. It was scary, but he didn't want to stop.

“Can I kiss your legs too?” Hoseok asked and glanced at the button of his jeans.

_He wants to take them off._

Won's chest was rising and falling quickly, lungs filling with oxygen like he suddenly needed it to breathe as soon as he was next to the older man. His palms still covered his face, hiding him from what was happening while his body knew it all, every touch and every lick of Hoseok’s tongue. He knew that the black-haired man must have been looking at him, at his body. He could tell from the way Hoseok felt next to him, yearning and urgency mixing with potent desire again. The sensations were so unfamiliar, different from sadness and anger that he knew oh so well.

Again he nodded, shaking as the older man undid the button of his jeans with careful fingers and revealed his naked legs, centimeter by centimeter. It felt strange to watch it, to see his own body being slowly exposed while hot lips covered it in kisses. Hoseok started carefully, one hand stroking over his right thigh while his lips attached to the left, kissing it and licking over the expanse of golden skin.

The warmth that stemmed from within him and burned his face began to spread, covering his neck and starting to burn along the skin of his chest.

“You're… making my heart beat, Hoseok, each beat is so powerful in my chest,” Won muttered helplessly and threw his head back, fingers cool compared to the heat of his face.

“You react so beautifully and your body is stunning, it's like an instrument in my hands, Won. Fucking hell, I love it so much,” Hoseok breathed out and placed gentle kisses on his inner thigh, black strands tickling his groin.

Won swallowed and struggled to breathe, lips sucking in air hungrily while his legs trembled in Hoseok’s hands. The older man’s lips were burning compared to the skin of his legs, it was not warmed up from the inside yet.

“I can feel your admiration, but I cannot believe that I am the trigger for it,” he whispered and let his palm travel from his eyes to his mouth, covering it to prevent more embarrassing noises.

“You can feel it? What else can you feel?” Hoseok's voice vibrated against his skin as the older man licked over the whole length of his inner thigh, finishing with a soft kiss right next to his groin.

Won moaned against his palm and saw the way the muscles in his thigh contracted at the touch. There were so many feelings, he was barely able to identify them all.

“There is-” he began and split his fingers to make his words comprehensible, “admiration and- urgency, but also the desire to touch more and… arousal.” He knew all the words, but the feelings were unfamiliar, they were Hoseok’s.

“That sounds like me. What about you?” The older man attached his lips to his right thigh, kissing and sucking on his skin.

_What about you?_

“I- I don't know, I feel hot and my heart is beating and the warmth keeps travelling on its own without my control,” he whispered and opened his eyes wide, head lifting to watch the black-haired man lick and nibble on every patch of skin he found. The touches were hot and pulled the blood in his body towards them, it rushed through him, creating urgency. Hoseok was beautiful, pink blush colouring his cheeks and curved lips glistening in the light from licking over them repeatedly.

“Do you like it? Do you enjoy me touching you?” Hoseok looked up from under his black bangs and chewed on his bottom lip. There was hesitation and doubt, the older man must have worried that Won didn't like it.

“I do- I only don't know how to reciprocate,” he murmured and lifted his left hand, reaching for Hoseok’s protruding ear and neck. He stroked over it carefully, fingers slow and applying little pressure.

“You don't need to, if you're overwhelmed. You can do whatever you like, Won.” The older man smiled, lip corners lifting a little, before he climbed on top of him and leaned so close that their lips touched. Won immediately wrapped his arms around Hoseok’s neck, pulling him closer and deeper into the kiss they shared. He opened his mouth and hoped that it was good enough, focusing on the emotions that the black-haired man soaked him in.

“Teach me, Hoseok,” he whispered and licked over the other man's bottom lip carefully.

_He can teach you how to be alive._

***

He couldn’t remember the last time someone had set him ablaze. The feeling appeared as a sudden memory, a barely perceivable tingling, but nothing more. The way he felt while touching Won’s gorgeous, long legs, kissing his lean body and his luscious lips, on the other hand, was different. The arousal and want appeared like a sudden explosion that had set him on fire and that he wasn’t able to put out.

_You don’t want to put it out, but you have no idea who he is, what he is, how the future looks. You promised yourself to think about the future._

His previous experiences told him to always make sure that he and the people he interacted with had shared information, knew what they were agreeing on. Ironically, Won told him from the start that he planned to disappear, that he was only there to make him happy, that he only did all this to leave.

_And still you’re all over him. You must be hopeful after all._

His thoughts were drowned by his heartbeat and the blood that rushed in his ears as he kissed the beautiful, black-haired boy, licking into his mouth and playing with his tongue. He was aroused but Won pulled him even closer, wrapping his legs around him and trying to feel more of him. It was fortunate that he didn’t undress, that Won didn’t want him to, that the beautiful being under him only wanted to be touched, to feel and for Hoseok to teach him.

“What do you want me to teach you, Won?” he asked after sucking the boy’s bottom lip into his mouth.

“How to kiss,” the low voice whispered against him and red eyes focused on his, watching intently. “I’m- no good at it and hesitate because of that.”

_He hesitates because he doesn’t know how to kiss?_

“But- you kiss just fine. Try moving your lips over mine, play with me. You can pull my lips with your teeth carefully, or explore as much as you like. You can try soft licks or intense ones,” Hoseok elaborated while showing every movement by simply performing the action on the boy’s swollen lips.

The distinct thump of a heart vibrated against his chest, joining his own as Won nodded slowly and tried, licking over his mouth and nibbling on his bottom lip carefully. The boy’s long fingers entangled with his hair and pulled when he didn’t pay attention to them, reacting to the depth of the kiss they shared.

“I like it,” Won murmured and licked into his mouth, tongue meeting his own and licking over his teeth briefly. “Is it okay, Hoseok?”

“It is,” he whispered in between the kisses and hovered over the black-haired boy, arms flexed to not squish him with his weight. He loved how Won tasted, how careful and exploring he was in his motions, so different from Hobi’s confident behaviour. His kisses almost felt like he was gently approaching Hoseok, touching his hand first, then his cheek and then asking to kiss him instead of ripping it from him.

The longer they kissed the more he could feel the young man relax in his arms, hands playing with his hair and the fabric of his shirt that they repeatedly pulled at. Won’s legs were wrapped around his hips and pushed him down, with enough force to connect their bodies. His breath hitched and turned into a moan as he exhaled.

“I like how the arousal washes over the boundaries of your body when I do that,” the black-haired boy gasped and did it again.

“You-” he hissed, but his body reacted immediately, letting tiny sparks explode behind his eyelids and filling his lower body with more desire, heavy and pulling him down, asking him to sink lower. “You’re so beautiful,” he whispered as soon as his gaze settled on the boy’s red eyes, half lidded and watching him intently. Hoseok inhaled once and rolled his hips while his lips attached to Won’s prominent collarbone.

The boy pressed his lips together and exhaled roughly through his nose, eyes fluttering shut at the motion. The arms around Hoseok’s neck tightened and Won pulled him into a kiss again, covering his curved lips with plump ones and sucking the bottom lip into his mouth.

“I think you are more beautiful, Hoseok. I- enjoy watching you, be it something as simple as work or more complex like working out and taking off your clothes.”

He had to chuckle at that, brushing a strand from the boy’s forehead.

“I think working is more complex than taking off my clothes, but thank you. I’m sorry that you as a ‘guardian angel’ have to get kissed by this guy on the floor in his hallway.”

“I don’t mind, it’s real,” Won whispered and smiled, long fingers brushing a sweaty strand away from his forehead just like he had seconds ago before placing a kiss against it. “You are very genuine, Hoseok, even if you are a hypocrite without realizing it sometimes. Everything feels real with you. Usually I hate it, but you make it okay.”

_You know way more than he does, Hoseok. You can’t use his lack of experience for yourself._

“I’ll be real with you,” he started and leaned back enough to see the younger man’s face. “I want you. I want you a lot, but I also know that you’re really innocent, which leads me to my current problem that can only be solved by keeping my hands off you.” Sighing, he looked at Won’s beautiful, naked body and added, “Not that I’ll stop wanting you, but it’ll keep your innocence.”

“So you decided to stop touching me because I am unfamiliar with this? But how is it supposed to change then? Don’t I have to learn eventually, why are you leaving me in the dark?” There was disappointment on Won’s face and he turned to the side, obviously having his own thoughts about Hoseok’s reasons for stopping. “Is it because- your body reacts and mine... doesn’t?”

_You could make it react._

“I don’t know if you feel like getting familiar with all this or if you’re doing it because you feel how much I want it and comply. You told me that you want to make me happy and leave.” Hoseok really needed to keep his hands off, but it was easier said than done, especially while hovering on top of the gorgeous boy and with arousal burning inside his lower body. “I’m pretty sure that I could make your body react,” he whispered and looked down at the part of Won’s body that was covered by tight, black underwear.

The black-haired boy’s eyes widened as he followed his gaze and he swallowed, lips disappearing in his mouth, probably because of embarrassment.

“It’s- because of my... blood. Well- oh god.” Won buried his face in Hoseok’s shoulder and exhaled roughly against it. Apparently there was enough blood flow to make his heart beat and his lungs ask for air.

“Thank you for the explanation. I had biology in school and in university for that matter,” Hoseok commented and grinned, leaning further back and placing his knees on each side of Won’s narrow hips, straddling his lap. “And now tell me why you know how to drive but not how to kiss and be close.”

“I don’t know, my body knows how to drive, but it has no idea about kissing and touching. I guess nobody wanted to touch me before I woke up,” the boy replied and shrugged like it was the most natural reply. “I don’t really know what happened to me before waking up. I don’t even know why I was lying in that forest. I know that I haven’t been to university, maybe that’s why I’m so dumb.”

_He sounds depressed. He’s more human than he thinks._

“There is no reason to think that you are dumb. You are inexperienced, but so am I, especially when it comes to dealing with red-eyed beings who lie naked under me.” Hoseok chuckled and let his fingers circle Won’s pretty navel and travelled further up to his chest and his neck. “It was a forest? Did you wear the clothes you were wearing when you came here?”

“Yeah,” the black-haired boy whispered as his breath hitched. Hoseok could see how easily Won’s attention shifted to the touches, slim body trembling a little and eyes fluttering shut and struggling to focus on him again. He enjoyed the sight so much, so he continued, applying almost no pressure and simply dancing along the boy’s delicate neck, his jaw, his lips.

“I see. But there are some implicit memories, it means that there was something before you woke up in that forest. Interesting.”

Won nodded again, but he didn’t seem to listen, red eyes closing and plump lips parting as he let his head roll to the side and exhaled slowly, legs shifting at the sensations. The shift in position gave Hoseok more access which must have been the goal.

_He likes it. So much for being numb._

“What was it like when I kissed your thighs, Won?” he asked and watched the black-haired boy intently, letting both hands stroke over his body in gentle, almost weightless motions.

“Warm,” the plump lips moved as the boy replied, but Won kept his eyes closed, moving towards the touches. “I feel when it is warm, as if you bring my skin back to life. But it’s a different type of feeling, a good one, the type that makes me want more of it.”

“I really liked kissing your body, the way you reacted, the sounds you made, they made me feel so much and I can still feel it even though my lips are speaking words instead of caresses right now,” he whispered, and licked over the dry surface of his bottom lip, wishing to attach them to the dazzling body beneath him.

“Why… did you stop then?” Won asked and finally opened his eyes, color much brighter than it had been moments ago. The boy’s body was still trembling a little and Hoseok could see each heart beat, slow but strong enough to make Won’s ribcage move.

“I told you. I have no idea whether it’s you who wants it, or me. You told me that you can feel what I feel, so how can I know? I have to be careful and reasonable. It doesn’t matter whether you’re human or not, you have feelings that can get hurt and I am responsible.” Sighing quietly, he kissed his thumb and pressed it against Won’s parted lips.

“You think I am telling you to touch me because I can feel how much you want to?” Won’s eyes opened a little wider and he licked over Hoseok’s thumb before he was able to pull it away. “I was the one who asked to touch you first, to be covered by your body, so why should it be only your wishes now?”

“Because you can feel that I enjoy it,” he whispered and put his palm flat on Won’s chest. “All of it.”

“But I enjoy the way it feels,” Won muttered and gasped, eyes glancing to the side as soon as the sound had left his lips. “It’s hot and doesn’t hurt, rather the opposite.”

“I would never dare to hurt you. That's why I'm so cautious, do you understand? I want you to only experience beautiful things.” Hoseok placed both elbows next to Won's head and leaned down, covering the younger man's body with his own until there was only little distance left between their faces.

“It can only get better, Hoseok,” Won whispered and cupped his face with his big palms, thumbs brushing over his cheeks carefully. “Can I kiss you again?”

“Kiss me, Won,” he breathed against the gorgeous lips.

The pretty boy smiled and bridged the distance, pulling him down by holding onto his face, and pressed their lips together, soft like a cloud. Still smiling into the kiss, Won parted his lips and invited him in by rubbing his tongue over his bottom lip.

He wanted him. Hoseok wanted him so much, but his brain still told him that it was a bad idea, selfish and impulsive. Curling his hands around Won’s shoulders, he pulled him up and lifted him, moving towards the bedroom. His lips were still tasting him, exploring how it felt to be so close, to feel the naked skin and the slim body before he let the boy’s back touch the sheets.

“Let’s go shopping tomorrow,” he whispered and walked to the chair where he left his bathrobe. “I’m off to shower.”

He acted mellow and nonchalant, but his heart was beating so fast that the cold water in the shower wasn’t able to calm it down. Only when he finally reached between his legs did it change, picking up the pace and exploding before calming down again and leaving him in a calm state, ready to face the black-haired boy again.

_Why are you so affected, Hoseok? You can deal with so many things, there are different burdens for you to carry around, but you’re here thinking about him without a break. It's dangerous. You're making a mistake._

 

 

***

 

Won believed himself to be very smooth and especially good at making Hoseok feel comfortable, at least after watching him for a while now. When Hoseok had left the shower after obviously touching himself, he hadn’t commented on it, busying him with heating up the stew and cleaning the table even though it wasn’t very dirty. The two of them didn’t really talk about touching anymore and Won was too embarrassed to ask anyway, so he didn’t. Instead he focused on being even more useful, resorting Hoseok’s books according to author in the living room while the other man worked out and checked his emails. Apparently it was important before the weekend.

_You didn’t even know what day of the week it was._

Even when the day slowly reached its end, he didn’t disturb Hoseok. Instead he wandered around and looked at books, pretty objects and the photo album that he liked so much. At night he didn’t force Hoseok to embrace him and instead said he would like to take a walk and return later. He was probably lucky that the older man was tired, falling asleep in a matter of seconds even though he had probably wanted to complain about Won walking around at night.

_Not like anybody can see you anyway._

There were a few moments of contemplating whether he really wanted to go out, but he did in the end, taking the same path he had walked before, past a playground that was deserted in the middle of the night. It was nice, so Won jumped over the fence instead of walking around and sat down on the swing. He was too tall and his feet pushed around the sand on the ground. The sensation of the swing seat below him was familiar, so he must have done it before. He was probably a child too at some point in his life, just like Hoseok on his album pictures, cute and without judgement.

_It changed pretty fast._

Won sighed and regretted that he hadn’t asked Hoseok if it was ok to embrace him while the older man slept. It was nicer than the cold that spread out from his own body instead of absorbing the breeze outside. He didn’t need the cold to be frozen on the inside. His heart was calm too, not moving a bit just like his lungs that didn’t see a point in inhaling the air.

_What are you, Won? You know that you aren’t a guardian angel._

He had thought it up as an excuse, an explanation for his presence next to the black-haired man. He couldn’t explain it, so calling himself a guardian angel had been easier.

_As if you look like one, of course he didn’t believe you._

Hoseok still didn’t really consider him a guardian angel, but it was okay, Won could deal with that. He was nothing, an invisible entity in space that would eventually fade away. He only had to make sure that Hoseok was ridiculously happy independent of his presence. They had to do all those things that the older man recommended his clients, travelling and living an exciting life. Doing things that Won had never bothered to do, but with Hoseok there was a point in doing them.

_But he works too much._

His options were limited. Skipping work had plenty of advantages. He would have more time with Hoseok and more opportunities to go somewhere nice. If Hoseok wasn’t at work the man named Hobi also couldn’t come and hurt him again. Won’s hands immediately curled into fists at thoughts of the brown-haired man. He was the source of pain for Hoseok, so he was bad, evil.

_You won’t let him get close to Hoseok anymore, whether he wants to or not._

His right foot dug into the sand and threw it in the air, landing on his loose jeans and a little on his knees. Wiping it away, he sighed again and stood up. He didn’t want to stay away for too long and maybe he could still be useful, clean something or wash Hoseok’s clothes. There were also a lot of books for him to read.

_Just don’t kiss him in his sleep again. You can’t, not without asking._

It was another rule that he would try to follow.

_

“Hoseok?” Won whispered when it was already past 9 o’clock in the morning and Hoseok had still not moved an inch. He had strategically turned off the older man’s alarm, but he hadn’t expected Hoseok to sleep for so long. There was only a limited amount of time that he could spend cleaning an apartment. Everything already shone like pearls and his fingers were a little mushy from the water and the cleaning chemicals. Rubbing them over his jeans, Won climbed on top of the bed and placed his cold hand on Hoseok’s shoulder, hoping that it was enough to wake him up without being unpleasant.

The older man’s face was beautiful, especially without the usual exhaustion that Hoseok exhibited. The curved lips moved and he could see one, almost black eye staring at him as the older man didn't bother to open the second one.

There was a brief moment during which Won regretted not kissing him awake. After all, Hoseok had said that he liked it the last time. Maybe it was something general, for every morning. Luckily the man in front of him wasn’t able to read his thoughts or his emotions and he could pretend to be thinking of whatever, food or clothes. Won smiled and brushed through his black hair, not sure what else to do with himself.

“It’s- well- late? Is 9 o’clock late? If it isn’t I am sorry and you can sleep some more!” He pursed his lips and stared at the sheets while sitting down on his calves.

“Oh god, but what about my alarm? Why didn't it ring?” The older man sat up, revealing his sculpted chest and abdomen while the blanket pooled at his crotch. Won liked the sight a little too much for his taste and swallowed, avoiding the black-haired man’s inquiring eyes.

_It was you, you turned off his alarm._

Won panicked a little, worried that he had done something terrible and upsetting for the black-haired man. Maybe there had been an important appointment and Won had ruined it. He licked over his lips quickly before pouting them.

“I-” _Just confess it already._ “I turned it off. I wanted you to sleep more. Are you angry now?”

“What? No! I was just wondering.” Hoseok's lips spread in a gorgeous smile. “Thank you for thinking about me.”

_He’s so beautiful._

Won nodded shyly and wondered why a smile was able to get to him so quickly. He hadn’t really cared before, he had been numb towards stuff like that.

“I also made breakfast. It’s pancakes, but they got really fat, so I hope you still like them.” He shifted on his calves and placed his palms flat on the sheets, pushing his body backwards to slide off the bed without turning away.

“There must be something with my head because all of this seems like a dream to me,” the black-haired man murmured and crawled towards him at the same pace that he crawled down the bed.

Won stopped moving, eyes widening slowly and hands holding onto the sheets, hiding how much they had suffered from hours in contact with chemicals.

“No matter how much I think about this, it doesn’t make sense that you’re so nice to me. Why? To disappear? What for? Why would you put all your energy into making pancakes for some thirty-year-old psychologist with no private life?” Hoseok stopped in front of him on all fours before sitting back on his calves. “I thought about it in the shower, it’s insane.”

Won blinked at the outburst, overwhelmed with so many questions first thing in the morning. Hoseok usually mumbled and rolled around in bed.

“Well, I- I don't know. I woke up and knew that it's what I need to do,” he replied and stared at Hoseok’s dark eyes.

“Are you a robot? What if I’m attracted to a robot? What’s next? The ICD-11?” The older man closed his eyes and threw his head back, groaning loudly.

“W-what is the ICD-11?” Won asked and chewed on his cheek. “I'm not a robot, I have blood and a heart. Only they don't flow or beat unless you touch me.”

_So much to not talking about it, Won._

“International Classification of Diseases 11th revision,” Hoseok whispered while staring at the ceiling. “But it’s like those terrible ‘robot becomes human’ stories, Won. You do everything for me, become human and then disappear. I’d rather not be happy and for you to not do anything for me.” The older man’s voice was quiet as he climbed off the bed and went to his wardrobe, dressing quickly. “Let’s go buy you some clothes.”

“O-okay, but- I can prove to you that I'm not a robot!” Won jumped up and ran to the kitchen, grabbing a knife and returning to the bedroom. His body was numb, cold because they hadn't touched, so it didn't really matter to him.

_You can't really feel much._

He lifted the knife and let it slide over his palm, showing the veins and the way they were supposed to look, but there was no blood.

_Maybe it would flow if he touched you._

“What the fuck are you doing?” Hoseok yelled and closed the distance in a split second. He had never seen the older man move so fast as he ripped the knife out of his hand and threw it on the bed before grabbing his wrist painfully and pulling it towards his face. The touch was hot, burning right through his wrist and making him a little dizzy.

“Don't- it might-” he began but stopped immediately as crippling pain spread through his palm and made him yelp, eyes squeezing shut. It hurt so much, like somebody had ripped living skin open instead of cutting through numb tissue. A drop of blood landed on the wooden floor.

“Don’t you dare touch anything,” Hoseok hissed and ran to the bed, taking the knife and disappearing in the kitchen. There were noises, loud and frantic before the older man appeared as quickly as he disappeared and started pressing something into his palm.

“No- Hoseok, you're the one who shouldn't touch anything! It's bleeding because you touched my skin, it- it warms me up and-” He whimpered at the pain and sank to the ground. Won had forgotten what it felt like to be in pain.

_It was the only feeling you knew back then._

“I don’t need your consent if you just tried to slice open your palm.” Hoseok’s voice was low and so different from how the older man usually talked to him. He seemed like a different person. “Press it against the wound, I’ll get the bandages,” he hissed and disappeared again.

“O-okay.”

_He's angry, you made him angry._

Won could feel the emotions, strong and mingling into a cocktail he couldn't decipher immediately.

“It'll stop when my body gets cold again,” he murmured, mostly to himself. The pain was slowly fading away, transforming into familiar numbness. When he saw Hoseok step through the door again, he pressed his lips together and stared at the ground. “I... wanted to show you that I'm a human from the inside.”

“Next time you’ll stab yourself to show me that you’re not?” the low voice asked. Hoseok looked scary, eyes narrowed and fingers curled into tight fists at his sides. Won could see the white of the knuckles and how they shook.

“I won't, I'd never do that, Hoseok! I didn't want you to think I am a robot,” he whispered and crawled a little closer, stopping halfway because he felt scared. “I'm usually numb and don't feel it, like when I broke the cup. That's why I thought that it's- that it'd be okay.”

“I can’t believe this,” the older man murmured and turned around, showing his broad back. “What kind of argumentation strategy is this, Won? I’m human, here my cut hand with blood, I’m not human, here my cut hand without blood, I’m not a child, here I can cut my hand. It doesn’t make any sense.” Stepping out, Hoseok closed the door behind him and he could hear him slide down the wall next to it.

_You've done it, Won. Now he won't care anymore._

It should have been a positive thought, but it wasn't. Instead Won felt much more than he was supposed to, the burning in his palm, the burning in his chest and finally the burning in his eyes.

_Are you about to cry? Shouldn't you know it's pointless with you, you always cry and nothing happens. That's why you wanted to disappear in the first place. Maybe you don't need to help him, you could just try to do the same thing._

Won's eyes widened at his own thoughts and he panicked, body shaking and knees crawling forward all on their own towards the door. He reached for the door handle and pressed it down, panic only worsening the more time passed.

“Hoseok?” he forced out of his throat. The pain was difficult to locate now, spread all over his body and blurring his vision. “My thoughts- they are scary, they… aren't mine.”

Hoseok was sitting on the floor, head leaned against the wall and eyes closed.

“Whose are they then? Mine? You can feel my thoughts too now?” the black-haired man whispered, still keeping his eyes shut.

Won shook his head, but Hoseok couldn't see. His throat hurt and he was barely able to talk.

“No- they- they are Hyungwon's.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “The only people that could see me were miserable and immediately got scared when they did. She's not miserable at all, Hoseok, she just-"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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Hoseok thought that he had seen a lot of things, mental breakdowns, tears, wounds from self-harm, people after unsuccessful suicide attempts, but none of those had prepared him for Won’s completely blank face as he slid the knife along his palm, as if it was butter. He didn’t care that the other man’s flesh was darker than it was supposed to be, as if the blood had dried and that it changed as soon as he came to treat it and to stop the bleeding, only causing more blood to flow. He also didn’t care about the reasoning that followed, absolutely irrational and in no way explaining Won’s behaviour.

_You know that being left by a person you like is not the endpoint. It’s not._

His insides were turning and he felt like fainting and vomiting at the same time when he left the room and let his body slide down the wall on the left, feeling his hands shake and his mouth become dry all of a sudden.

_You’re scared._

He knew. Of course Hoseok knew what the symptoms were and what they meant, but it didn’t make it better because the younger man opened the door and told him that he’s scared of the thoughts. Hyungwon’s thoughts.

_It's him, isn't it?_

“Who is Hyungwon?” he asked, eyes opening and focusing on the terrified face in front of him. Won looked so incredibly scared that he swallowed his own feelings and stared.

“I- I don't know, Hoseok. He-” The black-haired boy inhaled sharply through his nose and let himself fall to the floor, head still turned towards Hoseok. His plump lips were trembling. “He's so dark and makes me want to die.”

_It’s like schizophrenia._

He crawled closer and made sure not to touch the black-haired boy to avoid potentially making his wound bleed again.

“How does he do that?” he asked and leaned in close.

Won was breathing rapidly, almost like he was hyperventilating, chest rising and falling quickly and eyes wide and staring at him. The black-haired boy looked so scared, eyes dark.

“He says that I'm worthless and only cry and that I should just do what I did before and get it over with. He says that I don't need to help you, I could just- repeat.” Won's voice sounded distant, low and unfocused.

_Oh no. You had a feeling that there was something weird about this. So that has been it?_

“But it seems strange to you, right?” he asked, carefully placing his palm on Won’s thigh while watching the white bandage on his hand. “That’s why you said this person wasn’t you, right?”

“Y-yes,” Won gasped, lips barely moving at this point. “I want to freeze, it hurts, breathing hurts, everything hurts. I want it gone, Hoseok.”

“You might bleed,” he whispered and curled both arms around the slim body, enveloping him whole and exhaling against the shell of his ear. “It will be fine, Won. Everything will be fine, because I’m next to you and I might not be the most exciting or amazing person, but I definitely won’t let anybody hurt you. Even if it’s something that lives inside your head.”

The slim boy whimpered and didn't hug back, but the frequent inhales calmed down a little. Won’s hand lay unmoving on the floor and Hoseok could see the way the bandage turned red, blood flowing because of their bodies touching.

“Can't you chase him away, Hoseok? Can't you chase him like I chased away Hobi?” the boy whispered and shook his head furiously. There was a single tear running down from the corner of his eye. Hoseok kissed it away and tasted the salty liquid. It felt reassuring somehow. Like Won was closer to him because he could cry too.

“I think I might have been the one who made him come to you because I was scared after seeing you hurt yourself and acted stern and unapproachable. I’m sorry, I really am. I want you to know that no matter what you are, I- I really like you and I’m scared that you’ll get hurt. Forgive me, Won. But please don’t hurt yourself, don’t do it, I can’t handle it. I can't.” Hoseok had to swallow a few times to suppress the tears that burned in his eyes too because he was telling the truth about how scared he was. He never talked about it, not with his clients, not while he was supposed to spread hope. The memories didn't let him go no matter how much time passed.

“I won't- I promise I won't,” Won whispered and wrapped his arms around his neck, tears covering his chest and collarbones. Desperate whimpers shook the boy’s body, showing how exhausted and scared he was himself. “I won't, I won't, I won't.”

“You are so important to me, please, I like you so much, I don’t want you to be hurt. I want you to be happy,” he muttered to himself. It was the truth. It didn’t matter for how long they knew each other, what mattered was that the black-haired boy had dematerialized and settled in his heart just like he did with heavy doors, breaking through every wall of defense he had carefully built up during his life. He wanted to do everything to make him happy, but he was crying instead. Won was.

“I'm sorry for scaring you, I'm so sorry. I don't know what I was thinking, it just happened, I- I'm so sorry, Hoseok. Forgive me, please don't hate me, I can't be on my own, I don't even know what I am,” the younger man whispered and buried his face in the crook of his neck, breaths calming down slowly.

“You said you’re mine,” Hoseok whispered while his breath hitched after speaking the words. He suddenly realized that he had never said them to anyone before. “I can’t hate you and I can’t be without you either because you went in here.” He patted the left side of his chest and stroked over Won’s hair gently.

“I am, I am yours. I'm here for you,” the beautiful boy replied, voice more sure than it had been moments ago and fingers travelling over his back, scratching lightly.

“I’m happy that you’re here,” he whispered and placed a kiss on top of Won’s head before leaning back and kissing the boy’s forehead too.

“I- I wanted to touch you and be close, but you didn't, so I took a walk and let you sleep without me and actually I wanted to kiss you, but it's terrible to do it while you sleep, I don't know if you want it and- I-” Won swallowed and Hoseok could see the boy’s lips tremble. “Can I kiss you, Hoseok? Please?”

“Please do it, please do it all, I want you close, I do, I can’t stop thinking about it and even if- even if it’s not the arousing kind of close, I want to hug you and to make you warm, I want you next to me, Won, I do, all the time,” he whispered and pulled the boy even closer to bring him on top of his lap.

Won was quick to bridge the distance, plump lips kissing his carefully as the boy's limbs wrapped around him tightly, holding on like he was scared to let go.

“Even though neither of us know what I am?” he asked and caressed his cheek with his healthy hand, cool against Hoseok’s burning face.

“I don’t care what you are, Won. It doesn’t matter to me. Who of us knows what they are? We are all just trying out and attempting to make life livable in continuous circles of trial and error,” he whispered against the younger man’s lips before kissing back, rough exhale leaving his mouth.

A smile danced around the corners of Won's mouth and it felt so good to see it.

“Are you sure you want to spend money on clothes for me? I can wear anything, I don't freeze and I have you to wrap around me instead of fabric.”

“Cool idea, but unfortunately not compatible with European laws. Let’s get you something that you like. I’m on holiday next week. Actually, I wanted to do my emails and all the stuff I never manage to do, but I think this time I might do a real holiday, now that you’re here.” He smiled and got up, pulling Won along.

_You could show him. Show him how life can be._

“You're on holiday?” the boy exclaimed excitedly and glanced towards the window, as if he expected the two of them to leave right this instant, preferably out of the window. “No emails! I will slap your hands with a spatula!”

“Wow, you’re violent, I didn’t expect that.” He grinned and watched the gorgeous smile on Won’s face. The sheer beauty of it overwhelmed him and he mirrored it, before grabbing the young man’s small face with his hands and placing a soft, careful kiss on his thick lips. Won's eyes fluttered shut and he wrapped his arms around his waist, pulling their groins together. He didn't seem particularly aware of what he was doing, as usual.

“Will we go out now? I apologize in advance if you feel embarrassed because people will get weirded out,” he muttered but didn't lose his smile. “Maybe you won't even need to pay for the clothes when they are on my body.”

“We will pay for them and it’s their bad if they are weirded out. You’re amazing and we will buy you ridiculously nice clothes. I’m only sorry that I can’t be of any help regarding fashion. My style consists of suit pants and button downs in different colors in addition to sportswear and ripped pants and shirts with no letters on them.” He had to laugh because it had been a ridiculously detailed description of his wardrobe.

Won laughed loudly, sound echoing off the walls.

“That's fancy compared to my wardrobe! It's just hoodies and oversized sweatpants because I always hide my body and don't leave the house.” A few moments passed before the black-haired boy realized that his words didn't really make sense, eyes widening a little. “I- I don't know where that came from.”

_He has memories from before. He also knows how to drive. The memories are not ‘Hyungwon’s’ but his own._

The thought made so much sense that it was scary. He swallowed and smiled.

“But your body is gorgeous. I really like it. You don’t have to buy anything you feel uncomfortable in, it’s completely your choice,” Hoseok murmured as he slipped into his shoes and put Won’s Nike’s in front of the younger man.

Pursing his lips in thought, Won squeezed his long but slim feet into the sneakers before he suddenly ran to the door, opening it wide.

“We've never been outside together apart from going to work, I'm excited! We should buy you something too!”

“Me? But I have clothes! Did you see my wardrobe? It’s full!” Hoseok exclaimed and followed the tall boy while his face lit up in a smile. He loved seeing Won excited like this.

“But we can buy you other things! Jewellery or… shoes, or books! You like books!” Won continued, obviously thinking out loud as he ran down the stairs. “Are we taking the tram or driving? Can you even drive, Hoseok? I've never seen you do it!”

He counted back and grinned.

“Now I know how long you have known me. I went to work by car a few weeks ago, so you must not have been following me for too long. We’ll take the car, I don’t want to go to the inner city, it’s too crowded.” Swinging his car keys, he wiggled his eyebrow and went down another flight of stairs, leaving Won standing on the ground floor.

“Oh.” Still standing on the the stairs, the black-haired boy fumbled with his fingers. “I hate changes.”

Sighing, he finally managed the first step before the next ones followed and he arrived at the basement, staring at Hoseok intently.

“I thought I knew everything about you already and was prepared. But you have a car. Those days that I watched you have been a lie.”

“There are a lot of things that you don’t know about me because you can’t look into my head, which is kinda nice I have to admit. It’s bad enough that you can feel my emotions.” Unlocking his white Ford Mustang, he opened the door for Won and climbed into the driver’s seat. Each time he drove he remembered why he had an automatic car.

_Because you forget how to drive._

“I like it, usually I have no idea what people are feeling, I'm glad if I know what I'm feeling.” Chuckling, Won stretched out his legs and wiggled. “Why didn't you drive all this time? I watched you for a long time after all and not even once did you come here.”

“Because if I go by tram I see people who seem to have fewer problems than those who come to my office, so I do it to not only see one side of the coin all the time. If I go by car I don’t see people. I only take it if it rains a lot. Funnily enough I didn’t on that day you came. Strange right?” He started the engine and pulled out of his parking spot, before remembering the glasses and taking them out of their case. They felt unusual on his nose, pressing down a little.

“You have glasses?!” Won almost yelled and threw himself against the seat. “My life has been a lie. Can you even see without them? I have no idea why I can see, my eyes are minus five on both sides actually.”

_That's probably Hyungwon’s memory too._

“I can see. A little. You’re still pretty, even if I wear my glasses.” Hoseok looked to the side and smiled, wiggling one eyebrow suggestively, before concentrating on the road again.

Won didn't reply, but Hoseok could see the increase in colour on his face, pretty blush covering his cheeks as the boy licked over his lips and turned to stare out of the window.

_Why is he so adorable?_

He didn’t know, but it also didn’t matter. What mattered was that there was no fresh blood soaking the bandage and no tears, only gorgeous pink color on the boy’s face and the way his long fingers played with the hem of his shirt.

“Thank you for coming to me,” he whispered and smiled, keeping his gaze on the car in front of him, before pulling into the parking lot of the big shopping center.

“We're here?” Won asked and already removed his seat belt before waiting for an answer. The black-haired boy looked around and his eyes turned big, staring at the entrance. “I know this place.”

_Another memory._

“You do? That’s nice then, you won’t feel lost.” He exited the car and opened Won’s door the same time as the boy pulled the handle.

“True!” Won jumped out and hurried towards the entrance. It was easy to see how several people avoided him on their way out, as if they could tell he was there but wanted to be as far away as possible, not even glancing in his direction. As soon as he realized, the black-haired boy moved to the side, waiting at the corner for Hoseok to follow. “I almost forgot that I make others uncomfortable,” he called out.

“It’s not you, I told you. It’s something that’s inside them. I once explained it to a depressed patient of mine. She said that people avoid her because she’s terrible, but fact is that people avoid depressed people because they know that it’s inside all of us, that those thoughts and patterns exist in every person and that they might get them too, become miserable, but they’re not at the moment, so they stay away, trying to act as if the distance makes them better, more superior, ‘healthy’. Well, it’s similar with you. People feel uncomfortable with what they don’t know, it’s not you.” Smiling, Hoseok put his hands into the pockets of his jeans and offered his right arm, assuming that Won might want to hold on like he did before.

Smiling brightly, the younger man wrapped his fingers around his forearm and pulled him into the building, walking quickly with his long legs.

“If you know this mall, do you have a place you like?” he asked and looked through the windows of various shops.

“Not really, I mostly bought the same things I think. I don't even know where the knowledge is coming from. I just remember the tiles, I must have stared at them a lot instead of the shops.” Won chewed on his cheek and glanced around, avoiding his gaze. “I doubt that I was feeling very well when I came here, but- let's not talk about that! Where do you want to go?”

_He doesn't like talking about the negative memories._

“Well, last time I came here,” he started and pointed at the coffee bar in the middle that separated the shops on the left side of the mall from those on the right. “Just over there, I saw a client of mine. I'll say patient, it fits better in this case. You have to know that I spent more than a year helping that person over their major depression, and I saw them laughing and talking to their friend over there at the coffee bar. We were really close during therapy. Not physically or romantically, that's not allowed between patient and therapist. I mean that I knew this person at their worst and that’s saying a lot, even for me. Anyways, long story short, my patient ignored me in the fullest sense of the word and I also looked at the tiles, so I see you there.”

“That-” Won stopped walking, staring at the coffee bar for a few long moments before turning to Hoseok. “That hurt you, didn't it? I can feel it. You were happy but also sad.” Not hesitating for long, the black-haired boy wrapped his arms around his neck and embraced him. “It was mean of that person, people should be thankful, also to their therapist. But you have me now. I will cheer you up and make you happy.”

“Listen,” he muttered, but smiled because the embrace felt so nice. “I meant that it's okay to be sad and hurt, it's normal, everybody is. Some are more sad than others and more often, but it's a natural consequence of existing. It's okay, because there are also nice things. It's the most important and it's my passion, to show people who have no positive experience in life what it's like to feel alive, to feel it with every cell of your body, because if you know that the feeling exits, the wish to stop existing disappears.” He didn't know why he elaborated for so long, but something told him that it wasn't in vain. They were in the middle of a shopping mall, but he wrapped his arms around Won's waist and kissed him briefly.

There was a smile on the boy’s lips, glistening from the quick kiss they shared. It was a smile, but it also looked sad somehow.

“You know what the problem is, Hoseok?” Won asked and slowly let go of his neck, eyes focused on their feet. “You tell that to your patients who easily believe it because there is a beautiful, smiling man telling them that, positive and excited about them getting better. But I know what happens to that man when he comes home, when he is exhausted and devastated because of loneliness and others using him for their own benefit. You cannot expect me to believe you when you don't believe it yourself.”

_He didn't get the point._

“You're right about everything, but still I don't want to stop existing, Won,” he murmured and sighed. “And I don't want to stop helping either.”

“I don't want to stop existing, I only- want to be numb when there is pain. Like now- I don't feel anything unless you embrace me, but when you do it's nice, positive. I want it to stay like that, without all the pain.”

“You know, there's a problem with this. I often hear it from patients who take antidepressants, but I also know it from myself. You can only be happy when you're able to feel pain, because the happiness and the intensity of the feeling itself comes from the difference between the most negative and most positive emotion you can feel. The higher this difference, the more intense you will feel, no matter if it's happiness or sadness. With you it's-” Hoseok thought about whether or not he should say it but decided to do it nevertheless. “With you it's bodily, you know? You are numb from pain you say, but you feel nice when I touch you. This nice feeling is your body reacting to another human, it's not very deep, because if it was you'd suffer. If you were able to feel deep pain, there might also be other feelings in an intensity you've never experienced before. You might be able to feel those too, if you liked me. Or someone else.”

“My palm… when-” Won swallowed, careful about his words as if he knew exactly how it made Hoseok feel, “when I hurt it, there was no pain, but there was when you touched my wrist, returning the sensation. I thought I was going to die from pain, but then you embraced me and it felt like I became a part of you. I’ve never felt that way before.”

“I was scared and worried about you, it hurt a lot, but seeing you devastated hurt even more. When I hugged you I felt like it was exactly where I belonged, as if nothing else mattered, only the fact that you were in my arms like that,” he muttered and walked further, watching out for a shop that offered decent clothes.

“I think I might be happy when you embrace me, happier than I've ever been, but I don't want to pressure you, Hoseok. You're not my therapist.” Chuckling, Won placed one foot in front of the next and sighed. “I'm supposed to be your guardian angel, but look at me.”

_You're both the same._

Hoseok smiled back and returned his gaze to Won's pretty, big eyes.

“You're right. I'm not your therapist. I guess you're not the only one who doesn't know what he is.”

 

***

Won felt like he was experiencing his life through a thick glass, random thoughts and memories popping up that he wasn't familiar with and barely remembered. He knew the mall, the patterns of the tiles were especially familiar to him, vague images of him strolling through the building, staring at the ground and not talking to anybody. It didn't feel like him, not really if he looked at the way his arm was wrapped around Hoseok’s and the beautiful smile that was directed his way.

_He's not your therapist, but you can still be his guardian angel as you wanted to._

Won was the one who should be taking care of the older man, embracing him and turning his worries into thin air. Hoseok saying that he didn't know what he was sounded strange in his ears. The older man was so much more than a therapist, so why did it matter?

“Shouldn't knowing that you are a human be enough?” he asked and tightened his grip around Hoseok’s forearm. It was firm and warm, making his skin tingle at the point of contact.

“Ah, it's not that simple. For that man over there I might be just a random human, generating the same level of interest as you would. For one of my patients I might be something different, not only a therapist, some of them might consider me a friend. What I mean is that I don't know what I am to you. You are you to me. There's nothing like ‘human’ or not.” The black-haired man seemed lost in thought and looked at the tiles.

“I know what you are,” Won said and smiled again, convinced that the words were true. Squeezing Hoseok’s arm, he hoped to return the other man's attention to his face. “You're my happiness.”

Hoseok looked at him, dark eyes emotional, overwhelmed, thankful and a little sad.

“I really want to be. I want to become your happiness if I'm allowed to.”

“Always,” he replied and felt warmth in his chest, appearing all on its own because of the overflowing emotions.

It was difficult to explain what was going on between them, even though Won could read Hoseok’s emotions and the black-haired man explained his thoughts in detail. Strolling through the mall, past couples, families and people that came on their own, Hoseok finally stopped in front of a shop, pulling Won inside.

“I don't really know my size though,” he muttered as the black-haired man searched through various types of pants.

“Can I help you, Sir?” a female employee asked and smiled in a friendly way. She was wearing a business skirt and a blouse, professional compared to the two of them. Won stepped back to not make her run away and felt a little upset that Hoseok couldn't just treat him like a normal human in public.

_Everybody will think he is crazy or feel uncomfortable._

“No, we're fine, thank you,” Hoseok replied and smiled back, making the woman nod and disappear behind the cashier.

“Okay, let's see what you like,” the older man exclaimed excitedly and pointed at the pile of casual clothes.

“All of this looks the same,” Won remarked as his eyes passed over masses of tight jeans that only differed in their shade of blue. “I think I don't really pay attention to clothes usually. My brain has no memories or experience that tells me what to buy.”

_But he could give you things and you try them on, like in that sitcom._

Grinning, he hurried over to the fitting rooms and stretched out his hands.

“You can just give me clothes and I’ll put them on and you tell me what you think! After all, you're the one person that sees me, much more than I see myself. Like in a sitcom!” ‘Much more’ was an understatement, Won still hadn't looked in the mirror. He was avoiding it like the plague.

“You're adorable. Let's do it, I'll just pick something I think might look good on you.” Hoseok was looking at the size and the fit before picking a few pairs of jeans and some shirts and handing him the huge pile. “Feel free.”

“How do you know my size?” Won asked as he wrapped his big arms around the huge pile and pressed it to his chest. The cashier was watching them for a few moments before looking at other customers. Won was really curious what it looked like to her, were the clothes hanging in the air? Or did she not see anything that was attached to his body?

“Because you need the slim fit version of my size. Maybe also extra long.” Hoseok grinned and winked at him.

Laughing, he lifted his right leg in the air and propped it up against one of the fitting room door frames, leaning against it as if he was modelling.

“My legs are damn long, you like?”

“I wouldn't have kissed them for half an hour while losing my mind if I didn't, don't you think?” The black-haired man licked over his lips and let his gaze slide over his lower body.

The heat that suddenly developed in his chest and his face was overpowering and Won had probably never disappeared in a fitting room that quickly. Closing the curtain, he took a few deep breaths and placed his palm on his chest, checking for a heartbeat. There was none, but the need for oxygen remained, lips sucking in air in regular intervals.

_What's going on with you?_

His eyes lifted up from his shoes and met another pair of the exact same sneakers, attached to endless legs in way too loose and a little too short jeans. Won could see the hands, big and a little funny with the narrow wrists and thin forearms. The t-shirt was also loose on his frame, hiding his body apart from his broad shoulders. His neck was also long, leading to his small head.

_Is this what you look like?_

His face was round, filled by plump lips and big, bright red eyes. His nose was round too, not too big and not as foreign as he believed it to be. His eyebrows were a little bushy, but mostly hidden by his black hair, covering his forehead and a little bit of his strangely curled ears. When he smiled his cheeks lifted up and showed his prominent cheekbones and jaw.

There was discomfort as he stared at himself, but mostly because it didn't fit with the image inside his head. He wasn't pretty, but he also wasn't as terrible as his memories told him.

“H- Hoseok-” he muttered, but didn't step out of the fitting room.

“Yeah?” the older man's low voice replied behind the curtain before one eye peeked from behind it. “Do you need help?”

“I… do I really look like this?” he asked and pointed at his reflection, eyes switching to Hoseok’s pretty face that he could see from where he was standing. The mirror showed the older man accurately, so his reflection had to be shown accurately too, right?

“Yes.” Hoseok stuck his head through and wrapped the curtain around his face to not let anybody peek through. “You're gorgeous.”

“But I looked so different in my mind, like- I'm not sure how to describe it. All bony and with a swollen face and way too big eyes and I kept wanting to hide my lips too. I'm- confused why I'm suddenly not an ugly frog anymore.” Won stared at his red eyes before turning towards Hoseok.

“It's called body dysmorphia. Sometimes we have an image of our body that doesn't correspond with reality, so we feel bad. You are anything but an ugly frog. You're beautiful.” A gorgeous smile spread the older man's lips as he slipped into the fitting room and stopped behind him, muscular arms wrapping around his waist and handsome face resting on his shoulder. He could see how Hoseok looked at him.

Won immediately warmed up and gasped at the rush of blood in his veins, travelling to each spot that Hoseok was touching.

“T- thank you,” he whispered and stared at the heap of clothes he was supposed to try on. The heat spread in his chest too, colouring his face a bright pink. He could see it through the mirror. “I'll- I'll get changed now.”

The black-haired man hummed and loosened his embrace before placing a kiss against his neck and disappearing behind the curtain.

A strong heartbeat shook his ribcage and he gasped again, fingers quickly reaching for his jeans to take them off and replace them with a pair of tight ones that Hoseok had given him. Once he was down to his underwear only, he dared another glance at his reflection. It still looked different. He was slim, but not as bony as he had thought.

Sighing at his strange perception, he grabbed the first pair of jeans, dark blue ones, and pulled them over his legs. They were definitely tighter, hugging his thighs and calves. Licking over his lips, he grabbed one of the t-shirts, a white one and pulled it over his head. The cut seemed nice, but Won preferred to trust Hoseok with his looks. His own perception was a little crooked apparently.

“How about this?” he asked and stepped out of the fitting room, leaning against the door frame and smiling a little at Hoseok who was sitting on one of the chairs across from him.

“Wow, you could easily be a model with a body like yours,” he murmured and kept staring at him, gaze shifting from his chest to his jeans. Won really liked the gaze and the way Hoseok’s emotions changed a little the longer he stared at him. His own body was warming up from being looked at that way and he licked over his lips.

“The combination looks really good on you!” one of the employees remarked and smiled at him. At him, not at Hoseok.

Won's eyes widened and he panicked a little, unsure what to do and why she could see him, not uncomfortable or scared in anyway.

_What's happening? Do you need to run?_

“Would you like to try on a few more similar combinations?” she asked again and glanced towards Hoseok when he still didn't reply. The older man looked a little confused too, but caught himself quickly.

“Yes, please, I think he looks really good in clothes like this.”

Nodding cheerfully, the employee hurried away and began to collect various items onto a heap in her arms. Won watched her for a while before he finally dared to move towards Hoseok, a little scared.

“I think- I think we should leave,” he whispered and hated the intensity of fear in his chest. Where was the numbness? Why was it suddenly gone?

“Are you scared because she can see you?” Hoseok asked and reached for his uninjured hand, squeezing it a little in reassurance.

“It makes no sense, she shouldn't be able to. She's not miserable, Hoseok,” Won replied quietly and couldn't resist the urge to attach himself to the older man, arms wrapping around his neck and hips settling down on his lap. He wanted to be invisible again, to do as he liked because nobody could see.

“Maybe you're more human than you think. Don't be scared, I'm here with you.” The black-haired man leaned in and placed a kiss on his cheek.

The touch was pleasant, a small spark that he wanted to hold on to desperately. Inhaling sharply, he buried his face in Hoseok’s neck and enjoyed the sweet scent of the older man. It calmed him down.

“Ehm- I brought you a few options. You can work through them and I'll leave you to it.” The woman must have returned, but Won didn't want to look, so he didn't, remaining attached to Hoseok’s body and hoping that the black-haired man would deal with the communication. Won just wanted to try on clothes and be looked at with desire.

“Thank you, we'll call if we need help.” The older man's voice vibrated against his neck and he heard the employee’s steps fade until it was silent again.

“Is it strange?” Hoseok whispered.

“The only people that could see me were miserable and immediately got scared when they did. She's not miserable at all, Hoseok, she just- I don't know why she can see me. I'm sorry for embarrassing you in public, damn.” Won finally lifted his head, realising that he was in the middle of a shop and sitting on Hoseok’s lap. If more people apart from that woman could see him, the black-haired man was going to be uncomfortable with having him all over his body. “I'm sorry, I'll get my shit together and will try on clothes, I promise.”

“I told you that I’ll take care of you, Won. It’s fine. I’m glad that she can see you because you deserve to be seen.” A bright smile spread Hoseok’s cheeks and the older man grabbed his chin, turning his face towards himself before the curved lips touched his carefully, soft like a feather.

“You don't mind being close to me in public?” Won asked and wondered why he had been so convinced of the opposite. “You’re making my face heat up.” Crawling down from Hoseok’s lap, he pointlessly rubbed over the clothes he was wearing and quickly disappeared in the dressing room again. He couldn't believe that he was visible to others and shopping for clothes. Just like a-

_A human. You are like a human._

He tried on all types of tight jeans, shirts and sweatshirts Hoseok and the employee had been able to find. Won's favourite was a pair of light blue ripped jeans that Hoseok had an intense reaction to and a white shirt that was thin enough to show the outline of his waist. He could tell that Hoseok loved it, so he loved it too and refused to take it off.

“How much do you want to buy, Hoseok? I really don't need much. I can wear the same thing for weeks,” he pointed out as the older man stared at the heap of clothes and picked out more than one set.

“I want to buy you so many clothes that you can wear a different pair every day.” Collecting a huge pile in his arms, the older man marched towards the cashier before removing the labels from the clothes he was wearing, probably to pay them without him having to change back.

“It's expensive though,” he murmured and held onto Hoseok’s arm, a little intimidated by the cashier that examined him and smiled.

“A good investment though,” the woman commented and quickly calculated the total before packing everything in bags.

“I feel spoiled,” he whispered into the older man's ear, leaning in to make sure that the woman couldn't hear.

“I hope she doesn’t think I’m your weird uncle or something, but I do look way younger than my age,” Hoseok whispered back and grinned, before paying for everything with his black credit card.

“Well, you did kiss me in front of her,” he muttered back and immediately hid his face in the crook of Hoseok’s neck when he felt the woman's eyes on them and especially her rather strange emotions.

“You must’ve been uncomfortable, sorry,” the low voice whispered into his ear before Hoseok took the huge bags and thanked the woman, moving towards the exit.

“I wasn't uncomfortable, not at all! You made me feel better by kissing me. I thought you were embarrassed because I was all over your lap and you are so careful about my age,” he exclaimed and shook his head.

Suddenly Won's eyes widened as he understood what the woman must have been feeling. He focused on Hoseok’s pretty face and the way his big hands held onto the older man's forearm.

“She thought we're attractive,” he said in surprise and thought about asking Hoseok whether he needed any help. But he really didn't want to carry anything, so he didn't. “I hope it's fine that you carry everything. I'm a little sorry that you bought so much.”

“Are you?” Hoseok laughed and slapped his shoulder playfully after putting the huge bag in his other hand. “I don’t look too bad and you look gorgeous, so it’s understandable.”

Won smiled at the compliment and placed a kiss on Hoseok’s cheek, looking away right after.

“Do you want to do something else? Drink coffee?” he asked to distract from the blush on his face and stared at the ceiling.

Hoseok looked thoughtful before his face lit up like the morning sun and he turned to him, black eyes almost glowing.

“The weather is really nice, let’s go to Bruges.”

“Where?” Won blinked a few times in confusion, but the happiness that extended beyond Hoseok’s body was infectious. “Let's go,” he said eventually and smiled back.

“You don’t know? It’s one of the most beautiful cities in Belgium, it’s also next to the sea so we can watch the sunset if you like and explore the city the next day. Let me book a hotel room real quick,” the older man muttered and got out his phone, typing furiously.

_It sounds beautiful, but why would he spend so much money on you?_

“Hoseok… are you rich?” Won asked carefully and couldn't believe that Hoseok threw money around like he had a ton of it.

“Me? I don’t know. But I make a lot of money from being a psychotherapist and my office is long paid off. Did you see me spending money while you watched me? Probably not, so it accumulates on my bank account. I don’t feel rich though because I never do anything.”

“From now on you will because you have me,” Won exclaimed and ran ahead towards the parking lot, barely realising that several people turned around to follow his quick motions. There was nobody avoiding him and a woman yelled ‘careful’ when he sprinted over the street towards their car.

_One might think that you really exist, Won._

 

***

 

_He is not made up, Hoseok. He’s real._

The thought occupied him during their way to the car and also the whole drive home. It was important, it meant that there were consequences, a lot of consequences.

_But how is all of this possible?_

It was futile to think about it, there was no answer for this question and everything around him told him that apparently it was possible to run around without having a heartbeat and cutting his palm while still being seen by other people. It was also possible for the younger man to have memories from his life before, destructive thoughts and depressing attitudes.

_His name might really be Hyungwon. Why else would he remember?_

He still thought about it as he packed his belongings into the black suitcase, adding Won's new clothes. Hoseok needed way more, a deo, shaving kit, perfume, shampoo and shower gel. Staring at the small bottle of lube in his bedside drawer, he deliberately decided to ignore it and closed the suitcase.

“I’m ready.”

“Awesome!” Won exclaimed and threw himself on top of the bed, white t-shirt riding up and revealing his flat stomach and the beginning of his ribs. Instead of pulling it back down, the black-haired boy smiled and placed his arms above his head, long legs stretched out. There were bits of golden skin peeking out through the rips, all over his thighs, knees and a little on his calves.

He stared. First at the long legs, then at the bits of skin that Won showed. He looked so incredibly attractive that he didn't know how long he was looking until he met the red eyes.

“You're staying here?” he asked and smiled playfully.

“Only if you don't come here and take me,” Won replied and pulled his lips into his mouth, observing him intently. The words left him speechless and he had no time to react adequately, face heating up and lips turning dry.

“You want me to _take you_?” he asked, knowing that they were talking about different things, but his body started burning and he chewed on his bottom lip, moving towards the bed slowly.

“Yeah,” Won breathed out and lifted his arms, stretching them out towards him to beckon him over.

_No, he doesn't._

“Come here, Hoseok, warm me up.”

He hummed, feeling every step he took before his feet stopped in front of his bed and he placed both hands on each side of Won's pretty face, crawling on top of him.

The gasp that left the boy's gorgeous, thick lips was breathy and sent a wave of arousal through Hoseok’s body. Won wrapped his arms around his neck and pulled him down, connecting their bodies as he circled his long legs around his hips, holding on tightly.

“I can feel it,” the black-haired boy whispered and smiled a little. “I feel it and I like it.”

“What can you feel?” he asked, even though he knew the answer. Sinking on top of the boy's covered body, he hissed at the sensation and licked over his lips.

“The way you feel when you look at me. It didn't make sense before and I thought it was wrong, but now- now I might be able to understand,” the low voice whispered and Won pressed Hoseok’s hips down with his long legs, connecting their groins without a warning.

Hoseok moaned quietly, eyes fluttering shut and blood rushing between his legs.

“Listen-” he started, but buried his face in the pillow next to Won's head instead.

The black-haired boy hummed and entangled his fingers with Hoseok’s hair, pulling a little as he pressed his hips down again. It was almost like he tested out what Hoseok enjoyed most based on his emotions. Won's legs were tightly wrapped around his hips and easily maneuvered him on top of the slim boy, creating friction.

“What are you doing? Do you want me to get hard?” he asked after letting out a moan and hissed at how tight his pants suddenly seemed. “Fuck.”

He could hear Won gasp as the grip on his hair tightened a little and the younger man pulled more, reacting to the way Hoseok felt.

“I want to make you feel good.” Inhaling sharply, the black-haired boy repeated the movement, rubbing their groins together.

Hoseok’s skin was on fire as he leaned back and licked over Won's upper lip while rolling his hips. There was no turning back, the heat between his legs increased with each passing second and he was sure that the black-haired boy could feel how aroused he was.

“Will you let me touch you this time, Hoseok?” Won asked and bridged the distance between them, kissing him and licking into his mouth with vigour.

“Yes, please,” he hissed and let out a moan as their groins rubbed against each other. “But- you don't want to be touched?”

“I do,” the black-haired boy replied and chuckled, “but it's not as urgent for me yet. I want to make you feel good, so that you don't need the shower anymore, just me.” Won covered his face in kisses and continued with his neck before uncrossing his legs and turning them around. Sitting on his groin, the black-haired boy rolled his hips once, watching him intently.

_He thinks he has to replace the shower._

“Wait a second, I'm fine with taking a shower, you don't need to replace anything, you fool. My body was going crazy, so I had to take care of it.”

“But I don't want you to touch yourself, not unless I see it!” Won exclaimed and must have realized how that sounded, face gaining colour and fingers fumbling with Hoseok’s shirt. The boy's hips were placed perfectly on his lap, providing friction each time he shifted. “I'm the one who makes you feel the urgency, so I- I want to be the one to make you feel good.”

“Did you just say you want to see how I touch myself?” Hoseok opened his mouth and stared before moaning as Won slid over his length. It might have been on purpose.

_Definitely._

“Well- I-” the pretty boy stuttered helplessly, probably attempting to find an explanation or an excuse for his words. His insecurity made him shift on top of Hoseok’s lap constantly, hands roaming over his muscular chest and erect nipples. “I- didn't want to be excluded. If you touch yourself then… I want to see it. You think of me after all, don't you? Isn't it… easier when you don't need to… imagine?”

“You don't know what I imagine, that's why.” He smirked and curled his hands around Won's slim waist. He loved the feeling and how narrow it was. “But do you want to touch me because you want to, or because it's your job to make me happy?”

“Is arousal like happiness?” Won asked in surprise. The younger man had obviously not thought about that. “I like the way it feels when- you are aroused, so I want to make you feel more of it. Hot and urgent. I felt it when I put on those clothes and I want to feel it even more. May I, Hoseok?”

“Arousal is not like happiness, but it makes you feel alive. A lot,” he whispered and nodded. “Show me.”

Won chewed on his lips and rolled his slim hips along his groin, watching him intently.

“This feels good, r-right?” the boy asked quietly and let his hands travel over Hoseok’s chest, fingers finding the erect buds and rubbing over them in smooth circles. He moaned instead of replying and threw his head back, loving Won's weight on top of him. The arousal was so strong that he wondered whether he should've touched himself in advance.

“Yes, yes, you feel amazing,” he breathed out and let his hands slip under Won's shirt. The pretty boy gasped, lips parting and eyes opening wide at the touch. The golden skin was cool, but not as cold as Hoseok remembered it.

Won lifted his shirt up and paused when it reached his collarbones. The boy's back curved and he attached his plump lips to Hoseok’s skin, kissing and sucking at it carefully, just the way Hoseok had done a few days ago. A pink tongue licked over his nipple and the red-eyed boy glanced up, silently asking for permission.

His fingers sunk into the black hair almost automatically and he pulled at the strands, moaning at the feeling of the boy's tongue against his sensitive spot.

“Fuck, I'm losing my mind.”

The boy responded like a catalyst, closing his mouth around the bud and sucking intently while his hands travelled all over Hoseok’s chest, scratching lightly. Whenever Won shifted on top of him another spark of arousal exploded behind his eyelids.

“W-what would you like me to do, Hoseok? Please tell me,” the low voice whispered and sucked at his nipple again.

_What would you like him to do?_

“I can't say it,” he whispered. “You must've had something in mind when you laid on the bed and decided to drive me crazy.”

Won sucked his lips into his mouth and nodded slowly, before slipping backwards on his thighs until he uncovered Hoseok’s groin and straight out placed his palm on top, just like that.

“Do you want to touch me?” he pressed out, trying not to twitch against Won's palm.

“Y-yeah,” the pretty boy murmured, blush covering his whole face and the tips of his ears.

“Do it then.” His voice was low and breathy as he licked over his lips and lifted up on his elbows, watching the black-haired boy intently.

_You haven't been touched for over a year._

Won nodded slowly and let his palm travel along the expanse of his length, applying pressure but definitely not enough. Observing him intently, Won repeated the motion with more pressure, long fingers caressing his erection through the fabric. There was so much fascination and at the same time embarrassment on the boy's face, ears remaining pink.

“Can you feel the warmth through the clothes?” he asked and closed his eyes, twitching briefly at the unreal intensity of his arousal.

_Maybe you should just touch yourself and let him watch._

“Not enough,” Won whispered and sucked his lips into his mouth again. His eyes were so big on his small face when his red lips didn't pull Hoseok’s attention towards them. “Can I- undress you?”

“Please do,” he muttered and removed his hand that was reaching for the boy's hair.

There was obvious hesitation as big hands shivered on their way to his jeans button, opening it at the third attempt and pulling the zipper down slowly.

“I'm sorry, I'm so awkward, fuck-” Won hissed and groaned in frustration, teeth settling on his bottom lip painfully.

“You’re not. I’m barely keeping my hands to myself,” he said truthfully and lifted his hips, helping Won to pull his jeans down his legs.

“You're really muscular, my body can't relate,” the boy commented and chuckled briefly, right hand immediately stroking along his muscular thighs as soon as they were uncovered. Won's big, red eyes focused on his face again when the boy grabbed his erection through his briefs, fingers curling around it halfway and rubbing from the base to the tip.

“It's really hot and firm,” Won whispered, swallowing at the sight.

“Do you like the way it feels?” he asked and hissed at the movement of the boy’s fingers. He got a nod as an answer, followed by a little more pressure and fingers rubbing over the transition of his shaft and tip.

“Would you- like me to take off your briefs too?” the black-haired boy asked, voice barely there and only recognizable because Hoseok saw his lips move. Won's free hand was pulling at his shirt to get it out of the way as well.

_He must’ve seen you naked while watching you._

The thought was a little creepy, but he was busy watching the boy’s gorgeous blush and his hand that stroked over his crotch.

“Would you like to take them off?” he asked in reply. Again he was blessed with a nod, hesitant and a little shy.

“I- I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm warning you,” Won exclaimed and waited for Hoseok to lift his upper body a little so he could take off his shirt and throw it to the side. Staring at his crotch, the black-haired boy inhaled sharply and let his long fingers dip under his waistband, cool against his burning skin.

“I don’t have any idea what I’m doing either, even though I have enough experience, I guess it’s because it’s you,” Hoseok admitted and lifted higher to see what Won was doing. The boy was staring at his own hands as they slowly lifted the fabric of his briefs away from his body, allowing his erection to lift away from his groin. Swallowing, Won wrapped his long fingers around it and touched the wet tip with his thumb.

“Fuck,” he whispered and let his eyes flutter shut. It felt amazing and so different due to the difference in temperature, he wanted Won to move his long fingers, to apply pressure and to make him moan.

He could feel the boy’s red eyes on his face as the grip tightened with a fresh burst of confidence and Won gave his erection a few strokes, thumb drawing circles.

“Yes, fuck, just like that, Won,” he murmured and moved his hips against the boy’s hand. The touch felt amazing and he adored how gorgeous Won looked. “Can I- take off your shirt?”

A smile spread the boy's plump lips, he looked really happy about Hoseok’s reaction. Licking over his lips quickly, Won let go of Hoseok’s erection and lifted his arms in the air, waiting for him to take off his new, white shirt.

Hoseok sat up and lifted the hem of the white fabric, covering Won’s face and pulling it over his head. As soon as full lips appeared under the white, he leaned in and licked into the boy’s mouth, tasting him and throwing his shirt to the side. He wanted to be close, to feel his lean body against his.

Arms wrapped around his neck and Won slipped right back on his lap, fingers playing with his hair and tongue licking into his mouth and inviting him into his own.

“Do you want to touch me, or do you want me to touch you more?” the low voice gasped into the kiss as the black-haired boy rolled his hips on top of him.

“Both, I want both,” Hoseok whispered and attached his lips to Won’s neck. It was warm and he nibbled on it while his hands roamed over the boy’s naked back, tracing the waistband of his jeans and slipping past it.

Won gasped, eyes opening wide and nails scratching over Hoseok’s back in surprise. The younger man responded quickly, body burning up and legs trembling in anticipation. Apparently arousal seemed to come to him slower, gradually like the temperature of his skin.

“Do as you like, I love it all,” Won whimpered and pushed his hips down, right on top of his dick. Hoseok could only imagine how well it would have fit between the boy's butt cheeks.

“Let me take off your clothes,” he whispered and reached between them, loosening the button of Won’s newly bought jeans that fit so nicely on his narrow hips. Damn, Hoseok loved his body.

Chewing on his cheek, the younger man nodded and rose up on his calves, allowing Hoseok to remove the fabric until he had to lift his legs to finish it. Red eyes observed him as he slipped the fabric down endless, golden legs.

“I can't believe that you- that you like my body so much,” Won whispered and swallowed. He looked gorgeous, only in underwear and black hair messy on his forehead. Crawling back on Hoseok’s lap, the pretty boy moaned as their skin touched, thighs rubbing against each other and red eyes widening a little at the feeling.

“I… I really like tall, slim guys. Of course I don’t have a strict type or something, but if I had one you would definitely fit.” Smiling, he pulled Won closer and sucked on his nipple while his hands cupped his behind.

“I-” The pretty boy gasped at the sensation of lips against the sensitive bud, moaning lowly as his thighs shook. “I rarely feel, but- you make me feel so much at once. My whole body is on fire and I’m not sure how much of it is my own warmth instead of what you share with me, Hoseok. I want to- to make you feel good, but you are making me feel good instead. Please… don’t stop.”

“As long as you’re still sane, am I allowed to touch you between your legs?” he asked and pulled Won over his erection as his tongue played with the boy’s small, dark nipple.

“Will you promise me that you won’t be sad if I- don’t react?” Won whispered and chewed on his bottom lip again, hesitation and shame obvious on his pretty face. “I don’t know how broken I am, Hoseok.”

“But I’m not touching you to see whether you get hard or not, I want to do it because I think that you might like it. It doesn’t matter to me whether you’ll react like I do, or differently. You could also only make sounds or pull my hair, it’s enough to know that you enjoy it.” He smiled and lifted his face to look at Won’s red eyes. “If you want me to. You can also say no and it’s fine, it really is, Won.”

“But I want you to, I do! I just don't want to disappoint you,” the low voice replied and he could see the blush travel down Won's face, colouring his neck. The boy's body was slowly heating up, beginning with the spots that Hoseok touched and continuing all on its own from the inside.

Leaning back, Hoseok focused his gaze on Won’s red eyes and licked over his lips before speaking quietly.

“Can I kiss you and take you into my mouth?” he asked straight out while letting his warm palm travel down the boy’s chest and stopping between his legs. Won wasn’t aroused, but it didn’t matter, Hoseok still liked the way it felt and so did Won.

“Y-yeah,” the pretty boy replied and let his eyes flutter shut, obviously affected by the thought alone. “I- never did anything like that, I hope that's okay with you. I have no memories.”

“Just tell me if you feel uncomfortable or if it’s not the way you wanted, okay? I’ll stop.” Hoseok leaned over the black-haired boy, pushing him into the mattress and immediately attached his lips to his gorgeous, lean body that felt warmer than a few moments ago. He sucked on both nipples, while his fingers pulled at Won’s underwear until it slipped down his thighs. He could see the golden body tremble as a moan escaped the boy's mouth, breathy and beautiful. Hoseok wanted to hear more.

“I- I will,” the low voice stuttered before the pretty face disappeared in the soft sheets and long fingers sank into the mattress and those of his left hand intertwined with a few strands of his hair, pulling at it. “Please touch me.”

He sucked in Won’s delicious scent as he made his way down, licking over his lean stomach and sucking on his hip bones. His right hand stroked along the boy’s inner thigh, up to his crotch, tickling the black hair between his legs. Moving further, he kissed his lean thighs first before travelling up and kissing the tip of Won’s penis.

The black-haired boy gasped, watching him intently with wide eyes and lifting up on his elbows. His hands held onto the sheets tightly and Hoseok could tell the way his legs were shaking in anticipation, toes curling even though it was only a kiss.

Hoseok’s fingers curled around the boy’s narrow hips and he licked over his length, rubbing his tongue where he knew that it felt good. He was going to make Won feel really good, make him moan, make him forget everything and feel alive.

_It doesn’t matter what he is or what you are. Just that you can share it._


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You aren’t even human, just pointless air.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 23rd of May at 2 PM CET.  
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There was no peace for him, no point at which the rules of living were learned and Won only had to follow them. He had been convinced that being invisible was a rule, something that he could be sure about and act on, but it had changed. He had also been sure about the temperature of his body, how cold it was and the lack of pain whenever he accidentally hurt himself. But all of these things weren’t applicable anymore.

A single word from the older man was able to conjure a smile, followed by warmth in his chest and blood that rushed to his face, coloring it red. Won’s body was warming up all on its own, responding to something that must have been happening inside of him, only he didn’t know what it was yet.

Hoseok’s fascination and the attraction and arousal the black-haired man had felt when Won tried on new clothes, must have been the reason for acting on it, for finally collecting enough confidence to beckon the older man over and attempt to awaken the same urgency Won had experienced before. The mere thought of Hoseok covering his naked body in kisses and stroking over his skin was enough to return the sensation of blood flowing to his fingertips and muscles contracting because of additional oxygen. Won wanted it to continue, to keep feeling the positivity and the intensity of the sensations, it faded out everything else, burned it down like the pain he had felt before.

_When you are like this there is only you, only Won._

“Please touch me,” he begged the older man, naked skin on display and eyes watching each motion attentively. He wasn’t stupid, he knew exactly what Hoseok planned on doing, that he wanted to close his lips around him and make him feel good. Won was only scared of disappointing him, of not reacting suddenly, becoming numb just like he had been before. He didn’t want to be numb, he wanted to feel every touch of Hoseok’s pink tongue and each finger that wrapped around his hips and held him in place. The older man leaned in and licked a stripe from the base to the tip of his penis, causing another shiver to pass through his legs, hands pulling at the sheets and lips releasing an involuntary exhale. Suddenly there wasn’t enough oxygen and he inhaled again, heart beat shaking his ribcage and repeating in a quicker rhythm that Won had experienced until now.

“My- my heart, it’s-” he began, but gasped again as goosebumps spread along his legs.

Hoseok didn’t answer and simply closed his lips around his length, taking it into his incredibly hot mouth and stimulating it with his tongue as he sucked on it. The way the older man looked at him from under his black bangs was more than intense, it seemed as if Hoseok was eating him up with his eyes and his mouth.

The heat of the older man’s mouth reminded Won of the first time they had kissed, the way his body absorbed all the warmth and used it to function, to let blood rush through his limbs, his chest, all the way to his fingertips and toes. His heartbeat sped up, pumping furiously as something in addition to the heat spread throughout his body. It resembled the same urgency that he had felt in Hoseok, the desire to be touched and to increase friction, to have more of the heat that pulled at his groin and drowned him in pleasure.

_Are you reacting?_

He didn’t know, but whatever was happening to his body was intense enough to force his elbows to give in and make his back hit the soft mattress, eyes fluttering shut and lips parting in a loud moan. Won barely recognized his own voice, hands roaming over the sheets until they grabbed a fistful to hold on as his legs trembled continuously and his vision blurred.

Hoseok must’ve understood his signs and pulled his lower body against his mouth, filling it with Won’s length and moaning around it. It felt like a sudden bolt of electricity that began in the center of his body and spread out all the way to his fingertips, his parted lips and his curling toes. It was so much at once, like the arousal he had felt through Hoseok had been nothing before, incomparable to when his body was feeling it on its own.

“Oh my god,” he moaned loudly and threw his head to the side, burying it in the white sheets that felt so cold against his burning face. Hoseok was holding onto his hips tightly, handling him like he was weightless and Won barely contained the urge to beg for more, to stop his thoughts altogether and to begin feeling, only feeling and nothing else.

The older man let go for a second, giving him a few moments to catch his breath.

“Do you like it, Won? Do you like what I’m doing? Do you want me to do more?” he asked and licked over the tip of his erection. His groin was burning in comparison to how it had felt before and Won struggled to open his eyes, to look at Hoseok and focus on the beauty that was the older man’s face, his silky black hair and the curved lips that kept stealing his breath.

“Please,” he breathed out instead of a reply, red eyes finally focusing on Hoseok’s expression and the way his own body had responded to the caresses, erection throbbing between his legs.

“I will, you can let go with me, you don't have to think, Won, just feel,” Hoseok's low voice commented before the heat enveloped him again, lips tightening and sliding down his length. The older man took him completely, lips touching his groin.

_It's as if your minds are connected, thoughts transferring between the two of you._

He screamed, sound echoing through the bedroom as he threw his head back and reached out to grab the first thing he could find. The fingers of his right hand settled in Hoseok’s hair and he pulled at it, body burning with pleasure and urgency that only increased with each passing second. He wanted to bury himself between the older man’s curved lips and forget how to think. The pleasure kept reaching new heights with each motion, like Won was climbing a mountain and had almost reached the top, yearning for it with his fingers stretched out as far as he was able to.

“I-” he began, but wasn’t able to finish as his vision turned white and his muscles spasmed from the sudden wave of pleasure that threw him off track, thoughts turning into nothing but fragmented words inside his head and fingers pulling at whatever they were holding tightly.

He could feel Hoseok's lips around him, sucking gently instead of the previous efforts before he let go and placed a kiss on his tip and crawled up. The warm, muscular arms wrapped around him and he could feel Hoseok's breath against his ear.

“You looked stunning when you came,” the older man whispered.

Won was still fighting with his body for awareness and the ability to move. His legs felt like jelly and for the first time in forever there was exhaustion, the need to close his eyes and do nothing for a while.

“Please hold me until my body calms down, I'm afraid that- that I'll have to run around with a boner because my body froze like that,” he muttered into Hoseok’s ear and wrapped his arms around the older man, realizing that the firm erection pressed into his hip.

_Again he paid attention to you, but you spaced out._

“I will. You looked as if you liked it. A lot,” Hoseok whispered and he heard a smile in the older man’s words.

_You did, but it's not only about you._

“Do you want to be inside my body, Hoseok?” he asked and pulled at Hoseok’s hair to line up their faces. Won wanted to kiss him.

“What? What do you mean?” the older man murmured but his face looked as if he had a picture of what Won might have meant.

“Well- do you want to, you know, sleep with me?” Won tried again and chewed on his cheek as the familiar heat crept right back into his cheeks. The whole thing had sounded easier and much more confident in his head.

“I’d like to know what you plan on doing with this information, once I share it with you.” The older man narrowed his eyes and watched him intently, before his face relaxed and he leaned in to kiss him. Soft lips traced his own gently. Won immediately kissed back and enjoyed the warmth that mixed with tenderness. The arousal was still there, but it was the older man's this time.

“Act on it obviously,” he replied and licked over Hoseok’s bottom lip, playing with the texture by rubbing his tongue over it. There was no real point in the question and Won had no idea why the older man would ask it.

_Maybe he's worried about your motives again and your lack of experience._

“Good, then my answer is no,” Hoseok commented and kept kissing him as if nothing happened.

_He forgot that you can tell when he's lying._

Pursing his lips in dissatisfaction, he pulled at Hoseok’s hair again and turned them, rolling to the side until he was on top of the older man.

“Liar,” he hissed and leaned in, attaching his lips to Hoseok’s right nipple before slipping his right hand in between the gorgeous, muscular legs.

“It is partially true though. You never kissed, so I guess you also never slept with anybody. It’s not because I think you’re inexperienced. I tell you this because I don’t want to hurt you. Did you see me?” Hoseok pointed between his legs. “It’s not just ‘let’s have sex’. Furthermore,” the black-haired man licked over his red, swollen lips and focussed on him. “I don’t want you to sleep with me if there is no overwhelming wish to do so. You just came, you can’t be wanting this and I know it, so who’s the liar now?”

Won pouted a little in frustration and thought about how to reply. The point was obviously inexperience, because if Won had been close to another man before, Hoseok wouldn't have hesitated as much. The older man would have assumed he knew what he was doing and for his body to be prepared.

_But you can't argue against the second point, not really._

“But I don't need to be hard to know what I want. Also, you're experienced so you obviously know how to make it feel good for me, so why would I be worried about that? I didn’t think I could have an erection, but you made me hard.” Shrugging, he shifted on top of the black-haired man and squeezed his erection while purposefully rolling his hips.

Hoseok moaned, but chuckled right after, strong hands curling around his naked hips.

“I can’t believe that you’re discussing this with me. Judging by that, I would say that you’re barely over the edge. You must be eighteen or nineteen, holy shit.” The older man’s eyes widened comically and he stared at him from head to toes. “Wow.”

_Are you?_

Won had no idea, but he didn't see why arguing was a problem, especially when he was pretty sure that he was right.

“Why would that matter, Hoseok? I can't tell you how old I am because I don't know, but I find you attractive and you find me attractive too, so can't we just- you know?” Again he stroked over Hoseok’s erection and loved the spark of arousal, but it wasn't strong enough. He wanted it to drown him and make him dizzy, like the time when Hoseok had pushed him into the wall and kissed him.

“You’re gorgeous, but you’re even more cute because you think that I would sleep with you only because I find you attractive. I’m not someone who takes things as soon as they’re offered. I think about whether I’m someone who deserves the offered and if the person offering is doing it while knowing about the consequences of doing so. Complex, right? But that’s how I am. I want you, I do and you must know because you feel it, but it doesn’t mean that I will act on it anytime soon.” The black-haired man let his hands slide over his waist before slipping down his thighs. His dark gaze followed the movements intently, breaths ragged and pink tongue coating the curved lips repeatedly.

_Not anytime soon doesn't mean never, so there's at least that._

“But virginity doesn't really matter to me, Hoseok. I'm with you and you're the only one who makes me burn up, so you can have it.” Licking over his lips, Won rubbed his thumb over the tip of the black-haired man's thick erection and applied a little more pressure, watching intently how Hoseok reacted. He wanted to do a good job.

“Your arguments aren’t logical,” was the short reply before Hoseok moaned loudly and sunk his fingers into the muscles in his thighs. The sound was stunning and Won wanted to hear more of it, maybe even his name. A few seconds passed before the older man lifted his upper body from the sheets and attached his lips to his neck, sucking on his skin and sinking his teeth into it.

The burn was immediate and he moaned, eyes fluttering shut and hand tightening around the older man's erection automatically.

_He's probably trying to distract you._

Opening his eyes wide, he increased the speed of his strokes, putting extra emphasis on the tip and contracted his thighs each time he felt teeth on his skin.

“Teach me how to make you feel good at least, Hoseok. I really want to,” he murmured and inhaled sharply, breaths picking up again.

“You make me feel good by being you, by moaning and reacting with your body and by touching me like this,” Hoseok breathed out, right into his ear and he felt the other man’s warm hand around his own. It moved along with his, showing him where to apply pressure and how fast he had to move it. It was arousing even though he wasn't the one being touched, it wasn't even Hoseok’s arousal but definitely his own, burning in his lower stomach and groin.

“Shit,” he cursed and followed the motions, increasing speed as the older man's grip slowly loosened, giving in to how good it felt. “I really like it when you moan, I want you to cover me in the sound, Hoseok.”

There were more sounds, low and so incredibly attractive. Sometimes Hoseok muffled them by sinking his teeth into the crook of his neck, but he could mostly hear them all. The older man's breaths became ragged and his body felt even hotter under Won’s.

“I’m close,” the low voice whispered against his lips before connecting them. Won held his breath even though there was no need to and licked into the black-haired man’s mouth, sucking his bottom lip in between his lips as he felt Hoseok spasm below him and release himself into his hand. The heat sharpened his senses and he could clearly tell how hot liquid flowed over his hand and wrist.

“You’re beautiful when you lose awareness,” he whispered and kissed Hoseok’s lips one more time, enjoying the post orgasmic embrace.

“You make me,” Hoseok whispered back and wiped his release with the bedsheet before embracing him completely. They were both naked and it felt so different. “You’re so warm.”

“That’s because you warmed me up,” Won replied and smiled, arms and legs tightly wrapped around Hoseok’s body. He wanted to stay like that, but he knew that he couldn’t. Time passed and the older man had plenty of responsibilities that he cared about and that were unfortunately more important than his wish to stop time.

_But he wanted to travel with you._

“Will we-” he began and licked over Hoseok’s lips again, unable to contain his bright smile, “go to that city you mentioned today? Or did I distract you too much and it’s too long to drive?”

“No, we will go. We will definitely go and if we’re quick we might still see the sunset and cuddle in the hotel room before I pass out.” Smiling, the older man kissed back, stroking over his hair carefully. It was really nice, so Won didn’t move at first, enjoying how close they were and the hot touches.

“When I let go now, you won’t suddenly tell me that you won’t touch me anymore, right?” he asked just to make sure and raised an eyebrow. It was really difficult to tell with Hoseok, sometimes his moral ideals hit home at the most unfitting times.

“I won’t. I told you that I’m next to you now. You don’t need to worry, I’ll be next to you as long as you need me to be.” A smile that Won had seen so many times while Hoseok was working graced the older man’s features. It was his ‘everything will be fine’ smile that secretly entailed ‘even if it breaks me’. Won didn’t like it too much and made sure to show it as he pursed his lips and slowly climbed off the older man’s lap.

“Just so you know what you are missing. Actually I should be perfect to sleep with because I don’t need to eat and therefore also don’t need to prepare. Thought I’ll throw it out there,” he pointed out and didn’t bother to dress, on purpose. Leaning down right in front of Hoseok, he grabbed the black-haired man’s t-shirt and placed it on the bed even though there was no point.

“What would you get from sleeping with me, huh? How do you know that you’d like it? You have to experiment with yourself first to know whether you like friction, but yes, you are fucking hot and I definitely think my part when you run around like this, but it doesn’t make sense, okay?” Climbing from the bed, Hoseok grabbed a fresh pair of underwear and threw it at him before taking one for himself and pulling it over his gorgeous ass.

“Can’t you just experiment with me and we’ll figure out together whether I like friction? That seems much more enjoyable to me,” Won replied and also put on the provided underwear. He wasn’t too fond of it, but they were going to leave the apartment now. He couldn’t run around naked, especially not when there was the risk that other people could see him.

Suddenly he had an image in front of his mind’s eye, thick drops that ran down a shower cabin and rapid breaths that painted the glass milky with each exhale. There was blood rushing in his ears and between his legs and he flexed the muscles of both of his arms.

_Oh god._

He blinked quickly and could feel his face heat up as he groaned, threw himself on top of the bed and grabbed the blanket, covering his head with it. He could hear Hoseok’s steps before it was lifted from his head and the older man’s face appeared under it.

“Are you okay? Did you get scared by what you said?” Hoseok grinned brightly.

“No,” Won mumbled from under the blanket and tried to blink the image away. It was strange because it didn’t feel like it was him, not really at least. “I think- I just saw a memory.”

“Interesting! What kind of memory?” A pale hand reached for his face and removed a few strands from his forehead, probably for Hoseok to see his eyes better. His face was still burning which meant it was blatantly obvious at the first glance.

“A- rather sexual one,” he forced out of his lips and attempted to cover himself with the blanket again, but Hoseok’s grip was too strong to fight against.

“Oh, really? Tell me about it.” The dark eyes were watching him intently while Hoseok held the blanket in a tight grip. Won swallowed and felt a little intimidated by how serious the black-haired man was, smile wiped from his lips and eyes observing him attentively.

“Why?” he asked back and chewed on his cheek. The context of the memory was clear, Won felt pretty sure about what was happening, the sensations were clear enough for that. It was just embarrassing to talk about it.

“Oh- actually you don’t have to tell me, it’s your right to keep your private stuff to yourself. I was just wondering whether it was a nice one or a not so nice one.” The beautiful smile appeared and Hoseok kissed him quickly before disappearing from under the blanket.

_But you want to share, it makes more sense when you do._

“Wait, I- I do want to tell you,” he muttered, but didn’t lift the blanket by himself. “Would you come here? Under the blanket?”

Hoseok's eyes looked playful as he peeked under the fabric and slipped next to him.

“I'm listening.”

“Well-” Won swallowed and stared at the pretty dark eyes, minimal light making them seem black instead of the very dark brown they were. “I was in the shower and- I was breathing really quickly and there was pleasure, a lot of it, centering in the center of my body, but I used both of my hands.”

After watching him for a few long seconds, Hoseok nodded and smiled.

“So you did experiment. Did you like it?”

Sucking his lips into his mouth, Won nodded softly, just enough for Hoseok to see or at least hear the sound of his hair rubbing over the sheets.

“I’m just not really sure what exactly I did, but it felt really good, like I barely remained standing in the shower, slowly sinking to my knees as my head was pressed against the glass. Does that make sense?”

“Mhm. It does. Well, one of your hands was definitely around your erection, I assume, regarding the other hand there are two possibilities. Either you used your fingers, or a toy.” Hoseok smiled and nodded, as if they weren’t talking about him but some distant cousin nobody knew.

“I have no idea, Hoseok,” Won groaned and buried his head in the sheets by turning it to the side. “I only know that my brain associated something with experimenting and I don’t even know if that is really me. I look much more like the horror version of myself.”

“I’m pretty sure that it was you because there was nobody else in your memory, it’s always about yourself. But don’t be scared, those memories are mostly negative because you probably weren’t well, but now you’re better and your mood is different. There are so many things that I see differently if my mood is changing. You still want me to call you Won, right?” Hoseok placed a palm on his shoulder and stroked along his arm.

_Why would that change? Does he think you are somebody else?_

“Why… wouldn’t you call me Won, Hoseok?” he asked carefully and felt his eyes widen. Only by looking at Hoseok’s face more carefully did he realize that some of the light came from his eyes, a bright red shimmer.

“Because I think that you and the person from your memories are both here,” Hoseok whispered and met his gaze, pointing at his naked chest.

_He thinks you are the same person._

“You think that- he is me?” he whispered and felt a sudden wave of discomfort, almost like panic that rang in his ears and quickened a heartbeat that hadn’t even been there before. The signs were all there, widened eyes, lack of oxygen, the feeling that he was suffocating, it was all there and he tried to breathe but failed, chest burning.

“I’m not sure, but I think that he is a part of you and you are a part of him.” Hoseok kept his palm on his shoulder.

“I think- he wants to disappear, Hoseok. That’s why I am here,” he whispered and couldn’t contain the way his whole body shivered, realization sending another memory, a forest, the same one he had woken up in. There were shaking hands and a few deep breaths, pain and then nothing.

“Mhm. I thought so, after you told me about your memories, but you don’t need to be scared, we will show him that he doesn’t have to.” A smile softened the older man’s features and he reached for his hands, wrapping his fingers around them and warming them again. “I’m so happy that you came.”

“Me too.” Won swallowed and leaned in to press a kiss to Hoseok’s lips, feeling calmer now that the older man was holding his hand. “But why didn’t it work if he wanted to disappear? Why am I here now? Why do you need to be happy for him to disappear?”

“I don’t know about all this. The only thing I know is that you or him, whoever it was, has found the right person.” Hoseok kissed back and stayed close, holding his hand like there was no reason to let go of it, no matter what Won said or did. Something told him that it was the first time he felt that way, safe despite everything.

 _You really came to the right place, Won._  
  


***

 

It almost seemed like a split personality to him, just that there was only Won who had memories of Hyungwon, never the other way around. He didn’t understand what exactly happened, but the person named Hyungwon must’ve suffered from severe depression that made him miserable enough to develop the wish to disappear and act on it.

_But Won doesn’t want it. He wants to live._

At least the black-haired man changed his attitude during the past week. First he enjoyed the numbness and only wanted to help Hoseok in order to disappear, but it got better and they got so close that he couldn’t imagine living without the gorgeous, adorable boy next to him.

_It's selfish and you know that it won't work out._

Hoseok still didn’t know why it was him. He had no idea why Won needed to help him and make him hopeful, but thinking about it logically, he had been the best choice. Workaholic, after a bad breakup and psychotherapist with a passion for people. He also didn’t know how it would turn out, why the black-haired boy suddenly warmed up, why he was seen by others and why he could interact?

_Is it going to be like it always is? You get attached and pour your emotions into this, then it all goes to shit and you’ll spend two years to get over it._

Hoseok packed the suitcase into the car and opened the convertible hood. Driving in a Mustang cabriolet in March was a little risky, but he really wanted to breathe some fresh air after spending years inside his office.

Won was already giggling excitedly and had thrown himself into the passenger seat, jumping around and watching him pack the suitcase, grin in place. Once Hoseok was done, the black-haired boy began fumbling with the stereo to turn on music, dissatisfied with whatever came on.

“What music do you like?” he asked as soon as Hoseok opened the door to the driver’s seat.

“I- I don’t know.” His answer was embarrassing, but it was the truth. He hadn’t listened to music for years and didn’t develop the need for it to accompany his daily routine, so he had no idea. “Just turn on something that you like,” he murmured while adjusting his mirrors and pulling out his sunglasses.

“You look cool,” Won commented and found a package of chewing gum in his glove compartment, throwing two pieces into his big mouth and chewing loudly as he clicked his way through radio stations. “Don’t blame me if you don’t like it in the end.”

When the first notes of what resembled the Titanic soundtrack came on, Won stopped clicking and grinned brightly, immediately beginning to perform his own heart wrenching rendition of it. Hoseok forgot how fun life could be as he watched and couldn’t contain his laugh. Pulling out of his parking spot, he turned on the navigation system and drove towards the highway.

“Thank you. You are cool.”

“I try,” Won commented and giggled, looking through his glove compartment like he expected to find another treasure. “Do you want chewing gum too? I think that will make the whole trip even more fun, you look really cute when you chew, especially when you think nobody is watching.”

“I know how I look, but it’s because my face is very flexible and so are my lips. It’s a really nice feature though, only you don’t know because you’re innocent and adorable.” The more time passed the more fun it became to tease the black-haired boy with his ‘innocence’.

“Is this the point at which you implicitly offer me fellatio in the car?” Won asked and raised an eyebrow, left hand easily landing on Hoseok’s jeans-clad thigh and scratching over the fabric a little.

_He's too cute, nobody will be able to save you. You're hooked._

“No, I was talking about rimming. That’s why you’re cute and innocent,” he commented with the most nonchalant expression he could show and overtook a car that was going too slow.

He could see the way Won pursed his lips from the corner of his eye, lips too plump to overlook. Huffing briefly, the black-haired boy let his hand caress his thigh until it arrived at the pocket of his jeans, slipping into it with effort until Won managed to pull his phone out, grinning in triumph. Without any further comment, the younger man began typing away and reading something.

_Just hope that he looks up rimming instead of looking at your old pictures with Hobi and similarly embarrassing stuff._

“So, did you read up on it, baby?” he asked and grinned at the road in front of him. He could see Won stop reading suddenly and stare at him with pursed lips. He must have been right about his guess, as the black-haired boy returned his attention to reading until his eyes suddenly widened and he gasped.

“Oh.”

“Do you feel wise now?” he asked again and reached for the boy’s thigh, stroking over it affectionately. He didn’t mean to tease Won too much and wanted to make sure he knew.

“Mediocrely,” the black-haired boy replied and sighed. “It sounds nice though, the descriptions are definitely entertaining. This guy calls it a ‘sexual blackout’, whatever that means.” Won shrugged to support his confusion.

“Aha. What I meant was licking a partner’s entrance, sucking on the sensitive skin and pushing your tongue into his body repeatedly. I guess something like that. But there are quite a few who like it so much that they do have a sexual blackout.” He giggled, remembering how much his ex-boyfriend liked it.

_Since when can you think about him and laugh?_

“I kinda figured, there are detailed explanations and all, which motions to do. The internet is a fun place, but I obviously still don’t know what it really feels like,” Won remarked but looked a little embarrassed by his comment, cheeks pink and phone landing on his lap like he decided not to read any further. Won’s left hand was quick to return to his thigh, stroking it repeatedly.

“Hmm, it’s soft and very gentle. Plus you can stimulate more nerve endings with your tongue, so it feels especially nice. Regarding the slide it’s even better, you don’t need lube and the tongue is very flexible, it can become hard and soft depending on the situation. I’ve only heard nice things.” Hoseok smiled before he realized that he just told Won about rimming in his therapist manner.

“That’s great and all, but could you- like- not make me want to bend over your hood and ask you to rim me?” Won groaned and covered his face with his right hand. The boy dug his nails into Hoseok’s thigh in the process. “You sound like you only know from doing it to others.”

_Wow._

“I guess I could, sorry. Yes, I only know from doing it to others because I don’t like the slide. I experimented too when I was a boy, but it wasn’t really my thing. I tried out some more and at some point it was clear that I like it more to have the active part.” Glancing at the navigation display he got happy because they were on time for the sunset.

“As a boy? That sounds really weird, Hoseok,” Won remarked and slapped his thigh, shaking his head like he wanted to get rid of the associations. “But I guess that makes sense. I have no idea, but I also don’t really care. My brain tells me that having you inside me is a good idea, so I’m going with that.”

“Your brain must be mushy,” he murmured and took the exit. It was really nice that it was only a little over an hour to the sea. The air already smelled differently, and he liked it.

“You’re just pretending that you don’t want me,” Won murmured with a pout and sank deeper into the car seat, thighs lifting up and resting against the glove compartment as his fingers slipped towards the inside of Hoseok's thighs, drawing circles.

“I am really successful, can’t you tell? But I really like your confidence, it makes me happy because you are incredibly beautiful and you should know.” He bit down on his bottom lip to keep driving and not get distracted by the hot young man in the passenger seat.

“Oh no, but-” Something changed in the tone of the pretty boy’s voice as his hand froze on Hoseok’s thigh and he turned towards him, worry recognizable even without looking at him directly. “But I don’t want to leave. Don’t I have to leave when you are happy? I want to stay with you.”

_Just hope that it isn’t true._

“I don’t want you to leave either, Won. I want you to stay with me, so that I can make you happy. You and the part of you that isn’t okay.”

There was shifting in the passenger seat as Won sat up again, back straight and bright, red eyes focused on his face.

“Hoseok,” he began and swallowed once, voice low and pleasant to his ears. “Am I your lover?”

He hadn’t thought about it because there was no-one who’d asked him about it. Wasn’t it funny? That people only needed labels when there were others who needed to put them into a category?

“Do you want to be my lover, Won? My friend? My boyfriend? What would you like to be?” Hoseok asked and parked the car at the beach, feeling the rough breeze ruffling up his hair and slapping sand against his cheeks as he stepped out and it got stronger.

Won was quick to undo his seatbelt and jump out of the car, lean arms wrapping around his waist in a matter of seconds before he had a slim, cool body attached to his chest.

“All of the above,” the black-haired boy whispered, but didn’t look at him, face disappearing in the crook of his neck. It was fascinating how much Won loved to hide even though he was the taller one.

“You are.” He smiled and embraced Won’s slim body, holding him close. Leaning in, Hoseok placed a kiss on the boy’s forehead.

“But do you want me to be?” the low voice asked as Won finally lifted his head, red eyes attentive and more emotional than they had been before. They looked darker than before, a Bordeaux red.

“I do. I like you, Won, I really do,” he admitted and leaned in to kiss the young man’s gorgeous, plump lips. “I don’t know why I am like this, but here we are.”

“I’m glad,” Won whispered against his mouth and slowly squeezed his arms in between them to wrap them around his neck instead, fingers pulling at his hair and one leg shamelessly wrapping around his hips.

“You are? Then let’s watch the sunset. I won’t rim you, no chance,” Hoseok commented and grinned, before lifting the young man up and walking towards the beach.

“Hey!” Won yelled and wiggled with his long legs, attempting to free himself, but it was futile. Instead of cursing the black-haired boy just laughed, hanging loosely in Hoseok’s arms and shooting finger guns at him. “I’ll get you, trust me.”

Their laughter sounded like a hallucination on the almost empty beach, but the judgmental gazes from the elderly couple told him that it wasn’t. It was real, he was real, and Won was real, the sea was real and the sand beneath their feet was real. It felt intense and overwhelming, living did and Hoseok couldn’t remember the last time he had been this happy.

 

***

 

A strong breeze, the scent of salty water and algae, cold sand under his narrow hips and the sight of millions of sun rays slowly disappearing beneath the surface of the ocean. It was breathtaking, so Won didn't breathe.

_Is this what living feels like?_

He chuckled and turned to the right, watching the black-haired man sitting next to him. Hoseok looked so calm, watching the sunset like he had never set his eyes on something so peaceful.

“Do you like it?” he asked quietly and reached out to place his hand on the older man's, fingers slipping in between the spaces. The rush of blood was instant, heating him up from the inside and all the way to his fingertips. Won felt like he was living in a parallel universe, behind a thin wobbly wall that separated him from the real world. He had passed through it at some point, leaving his memories and everything else behind. Maybe that was why he hadn't been part of it, part of the bright lights, the vivid emotions and the affectionate glances the older man blessed him with.

_You're pretending, but the pretence is turning you human._

Even now his body produced a little warmth on its own, enabling him to experience everything around him in newfound intensity.

“I do. I usually don't have time to see the sunset when I work. I mostly go home when it's dark outside. What about you?” The handsome face turned towards him and blessed him with a smile.

“I… don't think I've ever actually watched a sunset,” he replied, a little surprised that it was true and his mind hadn't magically conjured another memory that proved the opposite. “It's so pretty that it makes me feel fake, like a pretend person, somebody who walked through a wobbly space wall to roleplay.” His long legs were stretched out and crossed in front of him, but the sunset was more beautiful. Won could admit to that.

Hoseok watched him with interest, probably trying to understand what he meant.

“You know, we are all pretending, aren't we? I also walked through a wobbly space and am sitting here, acting as if I don't have to go back to my clients and my office and my lonely life, while seeing my ex boyfriend who rubs my own nose in the fact that I still didn't get over him leaving, just like that.”

Won pursed his lips, dissatisfied at something that he couldn't quite pinpoint yet. It must have been two things, firstly the ‘lonely life’ Hoseok was speaking off and secondly, the brown-haired man that was torturing Hoseok when they were far away from home, sitting on the sand and holding hands.

_You haven’t erased his memories yet. You have to be so vibrant and mesmerizing that he cannot think about anybody else but you when you are around._

Even when he wasn’t around.

Won’s vague knowledge of relationships, that he didn’t really know the source of, told him that one wasn’t supposed to think about an ex boyfriend after starting a new relationship. They were in a relationship now, weren’t they? Hoseok was supposed to think about him and want him and not be upset anymore. There were so many wonderful things they could share, some of which the older man postponed for reasons Won still didn’t understand.

_But the first point is the worst._

Hoseok spoke of returning to his lonely life, a life that either didn’t include Won or remained lonely despite his presence.

“Don’t you have me?” he whispered and pulled his lips into his mouth. His hands shivered for no reason and he quickly removed his palm from the black-haired man’s, burying it in the sand instead.

_You aren’t even human, just pointless air._

“I reeeeally want to have you. I do, but do you think I'm fun enough to be with? You're young and breathtakingly beautiful. You're funny and you care so much about me. Why would you want someone like me, who is lonely, hopeless and no fun?” Hoseok was smiling, but his emotions were devastating.

Won swallowed, struggling with the pain that went past the boundaries of Hoseok’s body and filled the air, intoxicating him like poisonous gas would have.

“Hoseok- you-” he began, but struggled with the voice in his head that kept finding things to criticize, screaming at him to stop misinterpreting the older man’s words. “You’re wrong, you are very fun- how can you...think you’re not after carrying me to the beach and almost breaking both of our necks because you stumbled over a stone. The problem is me.” Won forced the recent memory past his lips like he had forced himself to swallow the apple that tasted like disgusting mush in Hoseok’s office. He had to change the pain, to turn it around, to make it fade away like he had the last time, shivering on the office floor because he wasn’t able to take it.

“How can you be the problem? You're amazing, Won. I like you. I like you a lot,” Hoseok whispered and reached for his hand, curling his fingers around it.

_It’s not enough to beat the loneliness though._

“Shut up,” Won hissed, but his eyes widened when he realized he had said it out loud. “Not- not you. I- fuck.” Clenching his teeth, he squeezed Hoseok’s hand and tried to think of how to explain his struggles, his attempts to tell Hoseok that he mattered but that he was upset about the older man not considering him company enough to fight away the loneliness. “Am I not enough, Hoseok?”

The black-haired man stared at him, teeth settling on his curved bottom lip and hold tightening around his hand.

“You are. You're right, I should be happy that you've decided to be next to me at all, I'm sorry for giving you the feeling that you're not enough for me. It's bullshit. I- I have difficulties controlling my speech next to you because I’ve never needed to. I'll pay attention. I'm sorry.”

“Don’t!” Won’s eyes widened as his mind provided him with perfectly clear images of Hoseok talking to his clients, every word thoughtful and precise while a fake smile remained on the curved lips, hiding the reason for Won appearing next to the older man. “I don’t want you to pay attention to your words with me. I only want you to believe me when I say that I want to be next to you. Will you really return to a lonely life, or will you return to a life with me in it?”

_Or he is lonely despite you being there because you cannot compensate for anything. Roleplaying all the time._

Again, Hoseok watched him, dark-brown eyes, illuminated by the last rays of sunshine focusing on him as the older man didn't say anything for some time.

“Will you be there when I return?” he asked quietly.

“Of course.”

Won felt a distinct pressure against his ribcage, starting a wave that moved through his body like it reawakened after moments of pain and fear. There was no place for him to go, only Hoseok.

_Unless you disappear._

“I want to be with you, I don’t want to- to disappear. Can I stay?”

“I really- really want you to stay. I'm unsure whether I'm being selfish about this and I probably am, however, it's the truth. I want to make it worth staying. Only, I don't know if I can.” Exhaling roughly, Hoseok fell back on the sand and closed his eyes.

“You can’t be selfish if there is literally no other choice for me apart from disappearing,” Won replied and chuckled, sound not as light as he remembered it to be. A sudden image entered his mind again, his own hand, strangely bony again as he slammed a heavy door and sank to the floor, breathing heavily before chuckling, sound similar. “I don’t think I’m real, Hoseok, my mind it- it keeps telling me that I’m not.”

“When I first called you Hyungwon, back then I thought that it was your name. I still think that it's your name, but you and him, you're like different attitudes that are incompatible and therefore split. I don't think that you aren't real. I think that he's a part of you and you're a part of him. From what you told me, and those memories you shared, he wasn't okay. I hope that you don't want to disappear, and we need to show this second part of you that it doesn't have to disappear either.” Hoseok pulled him down until their faces lay across from each other, hair covered in sand.

Won swallowed, sudden coldness taking over his limbs, freezing them in place and removing all sensations of sand and warmth from his body. He hated it, he hated it so much and wanted to scream at his body to stop doing it and warm up instead, to breathe and have a heartbeat, just like Hoseok did. It must have been the name, he didn’t know what else it could have been, forcing him to jump into a pool of ice and remain unmoving under a big block of it that rested on his chest.

“I’m freezing,” he whispered instead of elaborating and closed his eyes, lungs rejecting his attempts to inhale.

“Can I hug you?” the low voice asked next to his ear. Won immediately nodded, terrified of what may happen without external warmth returning him to soft breaths and a faint heartbeat.

“Please,” he whispered, but kept his eyes closed, shut tightly to save his own strength.

Muscular arms wrapped around him slowly, first it was gentle, before Hoseok pulled him flush against his hot chest, pressing the air out of his lungs that he hadn't managed to exhale. His lips felt like a candle leaving burning traces along his neck and cheeks before finally finding his mouth and covering it in heat.

Won didn’t know what melting felt like, but he imagined it to be similar to the way his skin began tingling all over and his lips were able to apply pressure back, to return the intimate touch and rub his right arm over the sand as it reached for Hoseok’s chest.

“Forget about everyone but me,” he whispered and opened his eyes, watching Hoseok’s beautiful face intently as he licked over the hot, curved lips and stroked over the black-haired man’s waist with his left hand, fingers dipping under the fabric of his shirt.

“You're the only one I think about. It might not be clear from the way I talk, but it's true nevertheless. I feel alive next to you,” Hoseok whispered and kissed him passionately, arms wrapping tighter around his waist and one muscular thigh slipping in between his legs.

Won gasped at the sudden associations in his mind, positive ones of Hoseok touching him intimately and he swallowed because of saliva collecting in his mouth and his lips suddenly feeling dry at the same time.

“Hoseok- you-” he murmured, but didn’t continue his sentence, unsure how to put it into words. Instead, he wrapped his arms tightly around the black-haired man’s neck and threw his right leg over his hips, hoping to get even closer, melt their bodies into each other like Hoseok had melted his.

“Are you warm now?” the low voice asked while Hoseok loosened his embrace. “Let's go to Bruegge, I know you don't eat but I'll feed you waffle tomorrow and we can hug more when we're in the hotel room.” Another kiss was placed on his nose and his forehead.

It was affectionate but a small chunk of his pride got scratched, leaving a burst of frustration and urgency that was his, not Hoseok’s this time.

“Are you just-” Won couldn’t believe this was happening right when he felt like wrapping his long legs around Hoseok’s waist and telling the older man to brush his hands all over his body, “stopping right when it gets good?”

“I'm patient. I know I haven't behaved like it over the past few days, but I actually am. In addition, we would have to stop at some point anyway because you can't just undress on the beach and it's cold. I'm being practical.” Hyungwon couldn't believe it, but Hoseok just winked at him.

“You know that I don’t really get cold,” he commented deadpan until he realized that only seconds ago he had begged Hoseok to warm him up because he was freezing. “Not really at least.”

_It’s still unfair. He can’t heat you up but then pull the plug._

Pouting at the situation, he sat up and huffed again to show how dissatisfied he was with their agreement. “Are you telling me that now that I touched you once you’re good and don’t need anything anymore?”

“Needs are relative.” Grinning, the black-haired man jumped to his feet gracefully and stretched out his hand towards him. Ignoring it, Won kept his pout and got up by himself, big hands brushing the sand away from his clothes. It felt unfair. Before, Hoseok had responded to him immediately, even when he hadn’t been doing anything particularly sexual, but here he was, tall, slim, in tight jeans, but the older man gave zero shits. There was no arousal as far as Won could tell.

“You look stunning, let's go.” The words were spoken before the older man grabbed his face and clashed their lips together, hot tongue licking into his mouth hungrily.

_Huh?_

Won’s eyes widened, wondering if the black-haired man was pretending, pretending to want to kiss him and be interested while feeling no emotions at all, not even while they kissed. It confused him, but he couldn’t keep his focus with the hot tongue ravishing his mouth and hot hands burning his cheeks, pulling a soft moan from his lips he hadn’t anticipated.

“Ah, you're driving me insane, it's unfair,” Hoseok whispered and leaned back, pink blush covering his cheeks prettily.

Won’s eyes were still wide, lips parted and swollen from kissing. He didn’t reply and only stared, attempting to understand what was happening, why he couldn’t tell what was going on with the black-haired man. He couldn’t be emotionless, not with the blush on his cheeks and the way his heart was hammering in his chest.

“Do you want me?” he asked quietly and swallowed, avoiding the black eyes while trying to understand if Hoseok was lying, acting just for him.

“A lot,” the older man replied against his lips and took his hand, pulling it down and pressing it against his crotch. “See?”

Won gasped as a whole boatload of emotions was emptied out over his head, admiration, arousal, urgency and pure affection towards him, running past his head and spreading out over his skin like a thick layer. It all came back at once as if Hoseok had pressed a button, bridged the blockade that had been there.

_Why couldn’t you feel them?_

“I feel,” he replied and licked over his lips quickly, wondering if it had been a test to see how quickly he would doubt himself. “I really like… how it feels against my fingertips. I also like how much you want to throw me to the sand and press your groin against mine.”

“But still you want to hear it from my lips.” Smirking, the black-haired man stepped back and put his hands into his pockets, moving towards the parking lot.

_There he goes again._

Feeling triumphant because he was able to feel the remaining arousal, the desire to be close to him, Won ran ahead and ripped open the car door as soon as Hoseok unlocked it, smiling brightly.

_It was only a one time thing._

“Take me home, Hoseok.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "What color are Hyungwon’s eyes?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 25th of May at 2 PM CET.
> 
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It was dark when they arrived in the fancy hotel room. Hoseok didn’t have a special need for luxury or fancy things, but he still wanted the black-haired boy to have everything, to feel expensive sheets against his cold skin, to experience that he was worth all of it, even if he didn’t breathe. Not continuously.

His thoughts circled around the negative things, it appeared like a habit he couldn’t get rid of, no matter how positive reality was. As soon as he was aware of his thoughts, there was this tiny voice in his head telling him that the future he promised himself to think about wasn’t going to be to his liking. No matter what. Always.

_You’re really negative about this, aren’t you?_

He was, but his life experience, the years he spent loving, giving, but not being cared for, told him their own little story that he remembered every time he began to feel something. Like now. His feelings came out of nowhere, took hold of him and refused to let go, similar to the black-haired boy who could wrap his limbs around him and make him addicted, more than cigarettes ever could.

_You haven’t smoked._

Stroking over the packet of Lucky Strikes inside his pocket, Hoseok smiled to himself before putting his black suitcase on the bed.

“Are you tired? I know you’ll tell me the story about guardian angels again, but you looked tired last time I-” he stopped in the middle of the sentence and grinned, deciding not to talk about it.

_The last time you touched him._

“Last time you…?” Won repeated and lifted an eyebrow. The black-haired boy was leaning over one of the elongated desks against the wall and looking through hotel leaflets. “Also, I don't need sleep as you have already figured out.”

His mouth spread in a grin and he opened his suitcase after throwing his black leather-jacket over the backrest of the fancy chair on his right.

“Last time you came down my throat,” he commented nonchalantly and started unpacking. “You definitely looked as if you were falling asleep.”

“That-” Won stopped talking and Hoseok didn't need to look at him to imagine the bright blush that was probably covering his cheekbones and the tips of his ears. Instead of elaborating on what was up with ‘that’, the slim boy returned his attention towards the leaflet and furiously flipped pages. He doubted that Won knew what he was looking at.

Hoseok was amused that he managed to make the tall boy shy about being tired, even though it had been a normal ‘human’ reaction. He roamed through the clothes in his suitcase and created a few neat piles of pants and shirts, before taking out his toiletry kit.

_Why is there lube?_

He stared at the bottle for a few seconds, trying to remember when he put it into the suitcase, but he only recollected ignoring it and closing the zipper. Another moment passed, before he looked to the side abruptly and focused his gaze on the black-haired boy who was chewing on his cheek and almost snapped his neck with how quickly he turned towards the table, grabbing a packet of instant coffee and shaking it next to his ear.

_It was him._

“Did you plan on having fun by yourself?” he asked and took the bottle out, walking towards the slim figure and placing it into his big palm. “Feel free. The shower is gigantic here.”

There was a small twitch in the pretty boy's red eyes as they narrowed and he wrapped his long fingers around the small bottle. Won's plump lips trembled as he used his free hand to lift the seam of his shirt and pull it over his head nonchalantly. Next were his jeans that he unbuttoned quickly before sliding down the zipper, eyes still focused on him.

“Fine,” the boy whispered and kicked off his jeans and underwear, remaining stark naked in front of him. Opening the bottle with his thumb, Won tiled it and let some of the transparent liquid drip on his palm. Licking over his lips while still staring at Hoseok intently, the black-haired boy slowly circled his coated fingers around his penis and gasped. Won's widened eyes told him that the boy hadn't expected to react to his own touches.

_Fuck. He's going to torture you._

What Hoseok didn’t expect was how gorgeous Won looked in the brightly illuminated room. Golden skin on display, small, hard nipples and his long body, slim waist, broad shoulders, lean thighs and toned stomach. His blood immediately rushed between his legs, making his skin tingle in excitement and leaving him speechless, breathless and aroused beyond belief. He wanted him, Hoseok wanted him so badly.

_He knows. He knows it and he can feel it. Be careful, he might only do it because he knows how you feel about it._

“What are you doing?” he whispered and stepped back, colliding with the desk and curling his fingers around the edge to hold on.

“Touching myself,” Won whispered back and gasped again with his mouth open as his slick fingers stroked along his length.

“But why are you doing it in front of me? You know- you know how I react to you.” His voice was barely a whisper as if he tried to keep it quiet, to hear every single sound the black-haired boy was making. His hands brushed along the edge of the desk until he found a chair and sank into the soft leather, unable to tear his gaze away.

“Because I want you to watch me,” the low voice breathed out before the boy sucked in a gulp of air and held it in his lungs, body trembling at the obvious sparks of pleasure he must be feeling. Won leaned back too, hips resting against the edge of the coffee table and long fingers of his left hand wrapping around the edge while his right continued to stroke over his dick that hardened with each additional motion. The way his body reacted must have been unexpected to Won as he gasped again and gave up on holding his breath, wide eyes watching Hoseok intently.

“You- you look so fucking hot,” he murmured, watching Won’s big hand around his erection and how the muscles in his thighs and stomach tensed because of the pleasure. “How does it feel? Do you like it?” Hoseok asked, blinking once to return some moisture to his eyes that felt dry from staring.

There was a soft nod and a few additional blinks of Won’s red eyes, like the black-haired boy attempted to remain focused instead of melting at his own touches. His chest began to rise and fall quicker and his muscles contracted when his fingers danced over the head of his erection.

“It’s- it’s better when you touch me,” Won murmured and finally let his eyes fall shut for a few moments, whimpering quietly.

_His non-human mask is falling apart, isn’t it?_

“You don’t know. I only took you into my mouth, it’s an unfair comparison.” Hoseok chuckled and stroked over his jeans-covered thighs, feeling his own erection pressing against the zipper. It was uncomfortable.

“You could…,” the pretty boy trailed off and opened his eyes again, teeth settling on his plump, red bottom lip, “make the comparison fair.” The way blush appeared on Won’s cheeks and the tip of his nose was beautiful.

“Didn’t you tell me to watch? I’m watching you, the attention is all yours.” Smiling, he started unbuttoning his shirt until it hung loosely from his shoulders, revealing his toned abs and erect nipples. The cool air felt nice against his naked skin, but he knew that Won’s touch would feel even nicer.

_But don’t forget that he might be doing this for you only._

A gasp sounded through the empty room as Hoseok undressed, originating from Won’s pretty opened mouth. The black-haired boy’s hand paused on his erection and he swallowed, eyes wandering over the ground instead of focusing on him.

“But you’re too far away,” he whispered and pushed himself off the coffee table, motions slow and careful until he stood right in front of Hoseok, teeth still abusing his blood red lips.

He gazed from Won’s feet, over his lean shins and gorgeous, golden thighs, to his pretty length, the dark hair between his legs, his stomach and chest, his delicate neck and finally focused on his big, dark-red eyes.

“Where do you want me to be?” he asked, fingers digging into the fabric of his jeans to get rid of the tension that filled the air between them, making it hard to breathe.

Long fingers reached out for his thigh and travelled upwards, brushing over his hand and uncovered chest until they reached his shoulder. Won repeated the same path with the fingers of his other hand, brushing his lube covered fingers over his nipple, slowly climbing on top of his lap in the process. Naked thighs settled on his own and the boy’s endless legs hung down at the sides while their eyes met and ragged exhales brushed over his lips. Won was breathing quickly.

“Here,” the low voice replied eventually.

“Is it where you want to be, or where I want you to be?” he asked again, but his hands already wrapped around the boy’s waist, stroking over his sides to his lower back, cupping his firm butt. Shit, Won was so attractive.

“Where I want to be. You-” Won swallowed, “seem to want me to stay as far away as possible when it is sexual, at least consciously.”

“I feel like an animal,” Hoseok whispered and sucked in Won’s scent that seemed more intense compared to the times before. He wanted to taste him, to eat him up, to feel every muscle flex under his fingertips when he made the attractive boy see stars, he wanted to hear those gorgeous screams and pleads, he wanted it. God damn it, Hoseok wanted it all.

“W-why?” Won asked carefully as he placed his palms flat against Hoseok’s chest, much like the first time when he had wanted to feel the heat, long fingers brushing over his skin and hesitantly rubbing over his erect nipples.

“Because I feel like I’m holding myself on a leash and you’re ignoring it, coming closer with every move and making me smell you, want you, touch you.” His fingers tightened in Won’s behind and he pushed the boy into his lap, hissing at the friction it created. There was a pretty moan that left the boy’s lips as his eyes widened.

“But why... are you holding yourself on a leash? Why is that necessary?” the low voice asked as Won leaned in, licking over his curved bottom lip briefly, almost like a cat.

“Because otherwise the line between you and me will blurr, disappear, I won’t know what are my wishes and what are yours anymore, I need to think, to reflect and to decide consciously to make you happy.” His eyes fluttered shut at the gentle caress, pulling him into the darkness that was filled with his physical perceptions.

“But I want this, Hoseok! I want to be close to you, don’t you- don’t you want me anymore?” There was something fearful in Won’s voice, like he genuinely couldn’t tell the burning arousal between his legs and his desire to hold the black-haired boy in his arms and make him forget his own name. “I’ll make you happy too, I promise.”

_You can’t talk like this and he can’t feel you anymore. He can't feel what you're feeling, that’s why he’s asking._

His thoughts were almost like clouds, transparent and unspecific. Only the implicit rule that he wasn’t supposed to go further than they already had remained in his head and gave him a little orientation in his mess of emotions.

“Let me take you into my mouth,” he whispered and looked up, feeling the goosebumps all over his skin as he curled the fingers of his right hand around Won’s gorgeous erection. Everything about the black-haired boy was attractive. Every single thing.

“But-” Won began, only to moan and give in, long fingers tightening in his shoulders and probably leaving half-moon formed marks.

“You don’t want me to? It’s fine, you can say it. What would you like me to do, huh?” He leaned in and sunk his teeth into the soft skin of Won’s neck, nibbling on it and exhaling roughly through his nose.

“I- I want to touch you too,” the black-haired boy moaned and rolled his hips forward, creating friction and biting his tongue at the way it felt. His skin was warm, not comparable to the cool breeze it had been before.

“Do it. Touch me, do whatever you like,” he hissed and threw his head back, moaning. Won’s erection felt amazing in his hand and he slid over it, keeping his tight grip and hips thrusting up intuitively. A gorgeous moan left Won’s throat at the combination and he leaned in to suck on Hoseok’s jaw, moving lower along his neck while his right hand attempted to slip under the waistband of his jeans, struggling because of the pleasure that spread goosebumps over his gorgeous body and made him tremble.

“You’re so warm, Won. I want to know how it feels when you sit on my naked thighs,” Hoseok voiced his thoughts recklessly.

“Me too,” the pretty boy whispered and exhaled roughly instead of kindly ignoring his slip in self control. Sliding backwards until his knees hit the floor, Won reached for the button of his jeans, opening it and sliding down the zipper right after. Big, red eyes jumped between his face and his groin, pink tongue wetting lips that glistened in the bright light of the hotel room. He was careful at first, pulling at the fabric to slide it down his thighs in addition to his underwear and to uncover his painfully hard erection.

“Let me get rid of them,” Hoseok whispered and stepped out of his jeans and underwear, remaining naked apart from his white shirt that pooled at his elbows. He sat back as soon as he was done and pulled Won on top of his lap, moaning at the sensation of the young man’s firm butt settling on top of his thighs. The boy’s eyes watched him intently as his long fingers roamed his naked chest and travelled downwards hesitantly, brushing along his groin.

“This feels really nice,” Won whispered and leaned closer, plump lips touching his own in a tender kiss.

“It does. I feel as if I’m a slave for you, shit,” he cursed and licked into Won’s mouth, touching the golden thighs in the process. They were firm and tensing under his fingertips, Hoseok attempted to return his sanity, but it seemed futile.

“That’s impossible, I should be-” Won moaned into the kiss and met his tongue, sucking Hoseok’s bottom lip into his mouth. “I should be the slave, melting at every touch of yours. You make me want to listen to your moans, Hoseok. Please- please don’t stop.”

“Do I look as if I can stop?” Hoseok reached between the boy's legs and started stroking his length while his mouth kept producing moans. Whimpering in pleasure, Won reached between their bodies too, rubbing over the tip of Hoseok’s erection and tilting it in the direction of Hoseok’s hand.

“Can we- do it at the same time?” the pretty boy asked and wrapped his long fingers around both lengths, including Hoseok’s hand.

“Fuck, your hands are a whole kink,” he moaned, fingers wrapping around Won's hand instead. The black-haired boy was chewing on his cheek, suppressing a few of the gorgeous sounds that might have left his lips. His big hand started slowly, stroking down before moving back up to the heads, thumb rubbing over Hoseok’s slit in the process.

“It- feels really good,” Won gasped, thighs trembling on top of him.

“Mhm,” he hummed and thought about how gorgeous Won would look when he sat down on him. Some friction was better than none at all and he moved his hips, thrusting into Won's hand. The boy’s grip immediately tightened and he wrapped his free hand around his neck, pulling him into a hungry kiss, tongue playing with his and erotic gasps constantly filling the space between their mouths.

“Can’t you-” the black-haired boy began and shifted on top of him, butt cheeks rubbing over his thighs, “show me more?”

“Do you want me to touch you differently?” Hoseok asked, sharp exhales leaving his lips repeatedly.

“I- I don’t know, I just want you to lose yourself in the feeling the way I do, but- but you don’t.” Won inhaled slowly and met his gaze, red eyes much darker than they had been before, again a rich bordeaux. “Is it… not nice enough?”

“It is amazing, really,” he murmured and waved his hands, “I'm just older than you, so I'm not as sensitive and I also have thoughts that make me pay attention to you, so I can't lose myself just like this.” Reaching for the boy's face, Hoseok brushed over his thick, red lips gently. “You're so warm.”

“But- you lost yourself before, I remember it, when you pushed me against the wall in your office.” Won hissed again, trembling at the pleasure between his legs. “What's… what's different now?” Pulling his lips into his mouth, the black-haired boy removed the grip around his own erection and focused on Hoseok, increasing the speed and the pressure around him.

“The lack of clothes, you on my lap with my dick in your hand and the knowledge that there's no client who will ring the bell and pull me out before I do something.” His gaze focused on Won's gorgeous eyes while he hissed loudly at the sensations the younger man was providing him with.

It was quiet apart from the sound of slick fingers on him, motions quick and effective until the black-haired boy swallowed and pushed himself backwards, sliding to the ground in front of him again. Hoseok didn’t have the time to react as Won’s right hand tightened around the base of his dick and the pretty boy slipped in between his legs, leaning in and licking over the head of his dick. It was hesitant, big eyes focused on him, but the sensation was there nevertheless.

_Well fuck._

Hoseok groaned and sunk his fingers into the boy's black hair, pulling at it automatically. There was a reason for paying attention to everything he did, because otherwise his preferences came through. The pretty boy whimpered and followed the pull on his hair, big eyes still watching him as he did it again, licking over the head of his erection and rubbing his tongue from side to side over his slit.

“Does it- feel good?” Won asked quietly and did it again, tongue rubbing over his head as he crawled a little closer and stroked over the base of his dick while blessing him with brief kitten licks.

“Yes, fuck me up, babe,” he hissed and bit on his lips. Won's tongue felt so good that he wanted to bury himself inside the boy's mouth. The comment must have caught the younger man by surprise as he gasped, but nodded briefly, leaning in to close his plump lips around the tip of his dick. Still licking over it with his tongue, Won sucked intently, one palm safely placed on Hoseok’s thigh while the other stroked what wasn’t in his mouth.

“Yes, fuck, yes, Won,” Hoseok kept muttering as his hand pushed the younger man's head against his crotch.

_What the hell are you doing?_

“Is it- is it okay? Are you okay with this? I'm sorry- I'm losing it.”

There was a hum and the scratching of nails over his thighs, but the black-haired boy didn’t pull back and didn’t stop stroking what wasn’t between his lips, sucking his way downwards as he allowed more and more of him to enter the mind-blowing heat. It was heat, not the coolness he felt when he first kissed the black-haired boy.

It felt really good, even though Won was inexperienced, rubbing over the transition of head and shaft with his tongue and continuing when Hoseok let out a loud moan. The younger man was experimenting, allowing more and more between his lips before sucking his way back up and following Hoseok’s lead through the tugs on his hair, sinking right back down.

“Your mouth feels like lava, I can't believe this, I'll make you see stars after this, I swear,” Hoseok mumbled, feeling how his orgasm approached quickly, especially after Won let him pull his hair and push him against his crotch. “Be careful- I'm close.”

Again there was a hum, pleasantly vibrating at his groin and only shortening the path to his release. Won inhaled through his nose, held the air in his lungs and attempted to slip as far down his length as his physical features allowed him to, making the head of Hoseok’s erection rub over the back of his throat and squeezing it when he swallowed.

“Oh God,” he murmured, tensed and released himself while pushing Won's head against his groin, moans spilling from his lips like a waterfall. There was the sensation of nails scratching over his thigh until the black-haired boy swallowed around him and slipped off in a smooth motion, coughing a little. His mouth remained opened as he sucked oxygen into his lungs through his nose, red eyes wide and watching him intently. Hoseok could see a little of his release on the boy’s tongue.

“Remember when you asked me to rim you and I said no?” he asked with his low, aroused voice, breathing heavily.

“Y-yeah,” Won replied, voice rough, and swallowed again, watching him intently while his big hands rubbed over Hoseok’s thighs.

“I changed my mind. I want to eat you,” he whispered and looked at the stunning young man from under his black bangs. His words had an immediate effect, mesmerizing eyes widening and plump lips parting to release a gasp. Won was still aroused, drop of precum visible on the tip of his erection.

“O-okay, what-” The gorgeous black-haired boy swallowed and sat back on his own calves, tongue hastily wetting his lips. “What… would you like me to do?”

“I want you to lie on your stomach and stretch out your pretty butt.” He got up and pulled Won to his feet. The younger man looked a little nervous, but let himself be pulled along.

“Do you still want me to taste you, Won? Or did you change your mind? It’s okay if you did.” Hoseok smiled in reassurance and leaned in, licking into the boy's mouth and getting a taste of himself.

Shaking his head furiously, the black-haired boy wrapped his arms around his neck and joined the kiss with vigor. His right leg wrapped around Hoseok’s hips and he could feel the plump lips spread into a smile.

“I want you to,” Won replied and placed a kiss on his cheek before jumping up and attaching himself to his body, legs crossing at his back.

“Then- be a good boy and do what I told you to do.” He grinned and let Won sink into the sheets. It was a little adorable how the black-haired boy nodded quickly and turned around, lying down flat on his stomach and wiggling his legs a little before he angled his knees under his body to lift his hips in the air.

“Like this?” he asked and buried his face in the sheets, probably embarrassed about being naked and on display like that.

_Fuck._

“Mhm. Just like this,” Hoseok hummed and crawled on top of the bed, wrapping his hands around the younger man's firm ass and blowing against his entrance. Goosebumps spread over Won’s golden skin and he heard a whimper that was muffled through the sheets, big hands pulling at the fabric.

“I can’t believe this is happening,” the black-haired boy mumbled, but didn’t lift his face from the depths of the sheets.

“You don't know how fucking gorgeous you are, do you?” Hoseok muttered before licking around Won's entrance. The black-haired boy was so attractive, he had to make sure to not sport another boner after his TED Talk about being an adult. A pretty gasp that fluently transitioned into a moan left Won’s lips and he wiggled his hips, probably because he wasn’t familiar with the sensation and didn’t quite know what to do with himself. The way his erection twitched was enough of a sign that the black-haired boy enjoyed himself.

“I- like it,” Won whispered and lifted his head a little, moaning louder and pushing his hips in the direction of Hoseok’s hot mouth. Shit, Hoseok wanted to fuck him in front of a mirror so that he'd see how insanely attractive he was.

“I like you,” he whispered and increased the pressure while sucking on the sensitive skin. “Do you want me to put it inside you?” he asked and pressed further.

A quick nod and a breathy moan, long fingers that pulled at the sheets and removed it from the mattress with the effort. Won spread his legs a little, probably to feel more and be able to push his hips into Hoseok’s face.

“Fuck,” the black-haired boy cursed and whimpered into the pillow, rubbing his hair over the mattress.

“Fuck is not an elaborate reply,” Hoseok whispered, teasing the younger man with the tip of his tongue.

“Please,” Won tried again, trembling in his hold and mumbling incoherent words into the sheets. It sounded like begging, but wasn't loud enough for him to hear. Small drops of sweat were developing on the boy’s back. It was the first time that Hoseok saw him sweat.

“I promised that you'd see stars, didn't I?” Tightening his hold on Won's hips, he pushed his tongue inside the boy's tight body, playing with it and enjoying the feeling. He could tell how the muscles tensed and the way Won’s long legs trembled while loud moans left the boy’s lips that he didn’t bother to hide anymore. Turning his head to the side, Won whimpered his name, asked him for more and attempted to push his hips into his face. Blunt nails were scratching over the sheets and a drop of precum landed between the boy’s legs, leaving a wet spot on the bed.

_So pretty._

Hoseok wanted more of the sounds, more of Won going crazy, so he started moving faster, letting the boy push his hips into his face as much as he liked while his hand curled around his length and stroked it along with the movements of his tongue.

Won began cursing, moaning his name and begging him to continue, coherency leaving the beautifully low voice with each passing second. It was fascinating how easily the black-haired boy gave in, allowing Hoseok to do as he liked while asking him for more, shaking with each motion of his tongue. It was easy to tell that he was close, erection twitching more frequently and muscles in the boy’s thighs contracting.

Won let go with him and it was beautiful to see and to know that it was because of him. It was beautifully human. Hoseok sped up his movements and licked into the younger man's body with more precision.

“I’m-” the black-haired boy attempted to speak before his whole body tensed and he released himself into Hoseok’s hand and partially on the sheets, tight ring contracting around his tongue like it tried to have more of him. “Oh my god.”

He placed a final kiss against Won's entrance and pulled at the sheets, wiping the release from his hand and the boy's length.

“Did you like it?”

“Y-yeah,” was the reply as the black-haired boy didn’t care too much about covering the bed in his release and turned around, throwing himself on the soft mattress and breathing heavily, one hand covering his eyes. “I can’t really focus and my heart beats so quickly that my whole body is shaking with the force. Is it also like that for you?”

“No, I imagine doing things to you that I shouldn't be thinking about,” he murmured and crawled up, wrapping his arms around Won's slim waist. Red eyes settled on his face and the pretty boy chuckled instead of being freaked out.

“Well, who decided whether you should be thinking about it or not? Only you, right?” Returning the embrace, Won pressed his ear to his chest, probably listening to his heartbeat. “It’s also quick, you liar.”

“It is,” he whispered and sighed. “I guess we're the same.”

 

***

_Something is breaking inside of you._

Won didn’t say it out loud even though the words echoed in his head and he prefered to share such thoughts with Hoseok. It always seemed like the black-haired man had enough experience and knowledge to help him understand what was happening with him and what everything meant. But he didn’t share this time.

_You need to figure it out by yourself first._

Their love-making, if one could call it that, was already several hours ago and still Won could feel the distinct vibrations of a heartbeat, strong but irregular in his chest. One might have thought his body was moody, working like a human’s did when it desired to do so and stopping just as quickly as it had started.

Hoseok was asleep in bed while he was staring at the ceiling and at nothing in particular, as usual. Won wasn’t tired enough and there was no need to sleep. He remembered Hoseok pointing out that he had been tired before, which he was, but not enough to sleep. Sleeping was really human, a luxury for those that breathed all the time and had a constant and regular heartbeat. Won wasn’t one of them yet and he wasn’t good enough at pretending yet either.

When he had sat on Hoseok’s lap, touching the older man’s chest and attempting to understand what was happening between them, his senses had abandoned him again. There was nothing, only his own emotions and the desire to be close, but there was no sign of Hoseok’s. Only when he sank to his knees and tried to please the black-haired man did it return, full force like at the beach and as if it had never been gone.

_You’re losing your skills, Won._

An unpleasant sensation passed through him, resembling dread that settled in his chest and slowly dripped into his stomach in the form of a sticky mass. It was disgusting, but he couldn’t stop it, not while his thoughts were still occupied with losing his abilities.

_That’s why you were supposed to disappear. You aren’t focusing on your task anymore._

His eyes widened and he sucked in another deep breath, blanket landing on Hoseok in a second layer as he got up and stared at his feet. They were long and thin and for a brief moment it felt like he wasn’t in the hotel room anymore, but somewhere else, a dark apartment and there were loose pants on his legs and a few scratches on his feet, like he hadn’t been wearing shoes outside.

_It’s a memory again._

_‘You can’t keep sitting around here and do nothing, it’s not the end of the world, is it?’_ a male voice that he couldn’t give a name to muttered as Won saw himself stop in the middle of the apartment, still staring at his feet. _‘Sure’_ he heard himself reply but knew that he didn’t mean it, not a single word.

_Hoseok said that he wasn’t okay, Hyungwon wasn’t okay. That’s what you keep seeing._

His body hurt whenever a memory returned, like it was painful for him to have the thoughts and memories cross through the wobbly wall in time and space to reach him. Maybe they weren’t supposed to come to him or Won was in the real world for far too long?

_But you don’t want to disappear. That’s what you decided. You don’t want to be gone and you don’t want to be numb either._

Won wanted to be with Hoseok, with the older man that was sleeping in the warm bed and reaching to the side with his muscular arm as if he was looking for him. Swallowing, he climbed on top of the mattress again and arranged his head right above Hoseok’s arm. He was immediately engulfed in a tight embrace but the soft breaths against his hair told him that the older man was still asleep. It was better that way, Won didn’t feel ready to talk about his thoughts and associations yet. He needed to understand what was happening first. Why was he warm? Why was his body responding so quickly? Why couldn’t he feel Hoseok's emotions anymore? Why were the memories coming back?

_Maybe you are slowly fading because he is already happy._

_Oh no._

_

“Hoseok?” he murmured when he felt the warm body shift and attempt to turn around. It didn’t work because Won was in the way, still wrapped in a tight embrace. The beautiful sight of Hoseok’s face made it tempting to simply lean in and kiss the black-haired man on the mouth. Wake him up nicely instead of murmuring his name or shaking him awake.

_He said he likes it. You can, you are lovers now._

Inhaling and surprising himself because it was necessary, Won snuggled up and pressed his plump lips against Hoseok’s curved ones. He enjoyed the warmth and the way it felt, eyes fluttering shut. If life consisted of kissing the man next to him and travelling he wouldn’t mind being alive. There was no pain like this.

There was no particular response for a few moments before Hoseok caught him in a tight embrace.

“It’s you,” the older man’s rough morning voice whispered and he got kissed.

“Who else?” Won replied when they separated and lifted an eyebrow. He genuinely hoped it wasn’t about the brown-haired man that did nothing but hurt Hoseok and would hopefully stay as far away as possible. He slipped one of his longs legs in between Hoseok’s and enjoyed how hot it immediately got, like he was taking a bubble bath without needing to own a bathtub.

_You didn’t own a bathtub?_

His thoughts were giving him strange hints about his previous life if that was really what his memories were about. Not having a bathtub wasn’t particularly relevant. Staring at Hoseok’s pretty face, he suddenly realized that he had done something terrible the night before. The same thing he told himself he didn’t want to do anymore.

_You keep doing things without asking first._

“Nothingness,” Hoseok replied and closed his eyes, pulling him closer. Won still kept his eyebrow lifted because it wasn’t a very good reply.

“I doubt that nothingness knows how to kiss. Not that I am particularly good at it, but I do think I’m better than some abstract whatever.”

_But maybe you are also an abstract whatever, you don’t really know for sure._

“I’m sorry,” he whispered quickly to get it out of his system, fingers playing with the strands of Hoseok’s hair. He didn’t even mind the older man’s morning breath even though his nose had gotten more sensitive. He only minded his own actions.

“I meant if it wasn’t you it would be nothingness, as usual,” Hoseok elaborated. “But what are you sorry for? There is nothing for you to be sorry about.”

_He means the loneliness, doesn’t he? The blackness you saw while you watched him._

“There is,” he murmured and hid his face in the older man’s neck, inhaling the sweet scent. It helped him to focus and remember why it was important to apologize. “I touched you without asking, I shouldn’t have.”

“Huh? When?” The older man looked confused, round eyes widening slightly and curved lips pouting, creating an adorable combination. Won had to force himself to remain serious and not chuckle at the sight.

“When- when I closed my lips around the tip of your- dick,” he replied, wondering whether the detail was necessary, but his brain hadn’t been able to come up with a non-vulgar and shorter version of the words. “I should have asked you. I’m sorry. I acted even though you said that you are fine with what we were doing and had no need to lose your mind, but I wanted to make you, so I just acted without asking. I am sorry.”

“Thank you. Now I’m hard,” Hoseok commented and grinned before reaching for his hair and creating a mess out of it. “Thank you for thinking about this, but I liked it so much that it didn’t matter in the end. It was amazing. I’m also sorry for pushing you and pulling your hair, I’m not a gentle person when I lose my mind.”

Won nodded slowly and remembered the way the black-haired man had suddenly switched, groaning and pulling his hair to have him slide back only to push him forward again. His body had reacted positively to it, but it was different from Hoseok’s usually careful and concerned demeanor.

“I- I liked it when you did that. When you pulled my hair and- pushed me down I mean. But I know what you mean. You- are different usually.” Blinking a few times, he shifted closer to touch Hoseok’s groin briefly to see if the older man was really hard or he just said it for fun.

_Again you cannot tell._

“I asked somewhere in between my groans, but I'm different when it comes to- to sex.” Hoseok held onto his wrist and pulled it against his crotch, twitching against his hand briefly. “Don't believe me?”

“I- I just wanted to feel it,” Won replied quickly and chewed on his cheek, not letting go because the older man’s palm was still resting on top of his. Hoseok was different when it was about sex? Was he less considerate? “Is that the reason you don’t want to sleep with me? Because you are… ’different’?”

The older man chewed on his lips and looked to the side briefly, examining the picture of the old city of Bruges, even though there was nothing particularly interesting about it.

“I guess that too. I mean- think about it, you don't have experience with anybody else but me. There must've been a reason for you to decide that you aren't ready yet. I'm an adult, Won, and I was in a relationship with another adult who knew exactly what he liked and what I could do, but this is different. Do you understand what I mean?” Hoseok shifted closer.

_He thinks you’re not an adult._

Won sucked his lips into his mouth and exhaled through his nose, a little frustrated with the conclusion.

“I didn’t have any experience because I was in a black apartment with closed shutters, didn’t leave it and lied to people when they asked whether I was okay,” he answered and felt his body cool down at the center of his chest, like somebody had pulled the plug.

“Did you want to be close to someone, Hyungwon?” The older man's voice came closer, just like his arms that wrapped around him.

_Hyungwon._

Won inhaled suddenly, realizing that he had stopped breathing and his lungs began to burn, as if they suddenly needed the oxygen to continue working.

“No,” he replied even though he wanted to correct Hoseok, to tell him that his name was Won.

“Why not?” The more uncomfortable Hoseok's questions became, the stronger the grip seemed in which the older man held him.

_He doesn’t want you to run away because he knows that you might._

Running away sounded tempting, to hide somewhere surrounded by black where nobody could see or hear him. Then he wouldn’t have to think about it, poke at the few memories he had and attempt to answer the questions. Won knew why he hadn’t been close to anybody, it was because nobody could see him and he was numb, he didn’t want to feel anything, so there was no reason to be close, to touch anybody. But the question was about Hyungwon, not about him.

“Because there was no point. Who would want to be close to me anyway?” The voice was low and sounded like him, but Won was barely aware of speaking the words, body shaking in Hoseok’s hold and coldness sinking right into his bones.

“Hmm, I see. I don't know about before because I didn't know you back then, but right now, I'd really love to be close to you, Hyungwon,” Hoseok whispered in his ear and placed a warm kiss on top of it. “I'm happy that you're here.”

“Why are you calling me ‘Hyungwon’?” he asked and tried to get the warmth back, the sensation of heat in his chest that was his own, the heartbeat that had stopped and the calm from before. Talking about the past and his memories only reminded him of the pain he had tried to avoid by being numb.

_Is that what you were doing? Avoiding the pain? But why did you come to Hoseok then? Why didn’t you just leave?_

“I told you. Because he's in there,” the older man reached out and placed his hand on Won's chest. “The thing is, because he's in there and you're connected and you're him just like he's you, I can't be doing things like sleeping with you. You need to consider all feelings you have, and your feelings as the boy called Hyungwon are as important.”

_He doesn’t want you to make decisions for your other half._

“I wouldn’t be here if it was Hyungwon’s decision, Hoseok. I would be long gone, disappeared just as I wanted to be when I woke up in the forest. You changed that, doesn’t that mean my decisions are more important?”

“I'm thankful that you don't want to disappear, but I knew that it was you from the first time I said this name. Hyungwon- I don't think he really wanted to leave. I think otherwise you wouldn't be here next to me, Won. It all sounds like magical mambo jambo and multiple personality disorder, but it makes sense.” Hoseok cupped his face and leaned in, kissing him softly.

 _‘Did you want to stay?’_ Won asked inside his head, loud and clear, but there was no response. It seemed like there was no reason to answer him when he really wanted to know, to understand and make an informed decision.

“I don’t know anything about that, Hoseok. I only know that I want to stay with you and that I want to be close. I might not be human, but I hope that you like me even when I’m not,” he murmured and felt immediate relief at the change of topic, as if his body froze to make him stop talking about the past. “My body freezes when I talk about him, so- let’s not do that.”

“I'll give you time, but your past is a part of your life, a part of you. You said back then that your thoughts are not yours. It will happen again because you're ignoring it. I'm not 100% sure, but that's how trauma works. First I thought that you were severely traumatized, that's how it looked to me and maybe you are. How you woke up and had one thought about me. It all makes sense. I will ask you more and you will hate it, but I'll do it because I want to make you happy. Hyung… Won.”

“How can you make me happy by doing something I hate?” Won pouted a little, hoping to make everything seem nonchalant by acting as if it was. His arms wrapped tightly around Hoseok and he attached himself to the older man’s body. “Do you… think I am incomplete, like the name? Only half of what is supposed to be there? Is that why you don’t want me like that, because- you want it all?”

_Nice way to lie to yourself._

“I don't think that you _are_ incomplete. I think that you force yourself to ignore things that are there, inside you. And yes. I do want it all. I always do, that's why Hobi left me,” Hoseok whispered the last part and closed his eyes, inhaling deeply.

“You want him too? Hyungwon I mean,” Won asked and thought about what the older man said. The man named Hobi must have denied him something, refused to share it with Hoseok. “I also always want it all and if I can't have it I don't want it in the first place. It usually works until I break.”

_It must be his thoughts again._

“Yes, Hyungwon too. But Hyungwon needs special care because he seems to have lived a really shitty life. I hope you agree that we have to take care of him because you just ditched all these memories, but he still has them. It must be devastating and sad. I'm really sorry.” Again, Hoseok kissed him, soft mouth brushing over his thick bottom lip.

“Okay,” Won whispered and hoped that Hyungwon could hear it to, that the figure with the bony body and dark thoughts would see more of the beauty around them and learn to appreciate it.

_Maybe he will even grow to like Hoseok as much as you do._

_

 

Bruges was stunning. Narrow streets and old buildings, cosy cafes and small restaurants integrating beautifully into the medieval architecture of the city. Hoseok had been to Bruges before. The black-haired man didn't need a map, mostly knowing where they had to go. When they strolled past one of the chanels, he was pulled into a tiny cafe that smelled like something extraordinarily delicious.

_Since when do you consider the scent of food delicious?_

“I told you that I would feed you waffles,” Hoseok commented and wiggled his eyebrows. Sitting down the older man took off his jacket and smiled at the waitress who immediately appeared next to their table. She smiled at him but seemed to be especially interested in Hoseok. Won understood her perfectly, he would have also mainly stared at the gorgeous older man.

“What can I get you?” she asked and watched the black-haired man intently.

“Two fresh waffles and a big cup of coffee with milk, please.” Turning towards him, Hoseok waited to hear whether he had any concerns with what he ordered.

Won just shrugged. In the worst case Hoseok could eat two waffles. He was ready to be disappointed with the taste. Food always smelled better than it tasted, like tea.

The woman wrote down the order but kept talking to Hoseok, asking him whether he had been to Bruges before and laughing randomly.

_She probably can't see you as well as you thought._

That calmed Won down, so he stretched out his right leg and rubbed over Hoseok's calf, steadily moving upwards. A grin spread his lips and he watched the older man intently, curious how he would react.

The one reacting was the waitress, staring at his leg before apologising and running off with a bright red face.

_She could see you? Then why-_

“Now she knows,” Hoseok giggled and stroked over his calf.

“W-what? I thought that she couldn't see me!” Won exclaimed and stared at the older man who was amused for some reason.

“She could see you perfectly. Didn't you pay attention to what she was asking me? She asked me whether you've been to Bruges before and whether you would like to try their special coffee. She fancied you but you just crushed her hopes. Sad.” The black-haired man chuckled and leaned back, crossing his arms.

_Bullshit._

Won pursed his lips and leaned back, one eyebrow rising up to express how sceptical he was about the whole thing.

“Huh, why would I bother listening? She was all-” he widened his eyes and let them flutter shut ridiculously while puckering up his lips to resemble the lovey-dovey look on the waitress’ face, “like this while talking to you, so I assumed she couldn't see me.”

_And thought he ordered two waffles for himself, smart._

“Because she couldn’t look at you without blushing like a ripe tomato. Want me to prove it to you?” Hoseok leaned forward and gestured at the girl, who came with their order, avoiding his gaze religiously.

_She can't look at you because she's shy?_

That was a first for Won. He couldn't remember a single time anybody had been interested in him and the silence in his mind told him that his past self agreed.

“How- am I supposed to eat the waffle?” he asked the girl once she reached the table and felt really stupid doing it. He hadn't eaten for ages, probably also not in his past life judging by how bony he looked in his memories.

_But you still know how to eat a fucking waffle._

“Oh. Would you... like for me to cut it for you?” The waitress took his knife and fork and cut a piece. “Like this?” She had a round face and pink cheeks. It looked healthy. Hoseok observed the scene and grinned to himself while sipping on his gigantic cup of coffee.

_She must really like you for some reason._

Won couldn't believe that the girl was interested in him and not Hoseok. She didn't even look freaked out by his red eyes. But that might have been because she religiously avoided looking him in the face. He glanced at Hoseok again, wondering if it was the age difference.

“Y-yeah,” he muttered and felt even dumber. He knew how to cut a waffle, but that must have been the sacrifice for figuring out hypotheses.

“Sure. Are you from abroad?” the waitress asked and cut his waffle in small pieces before pushing the plate in front of him. Suddenly, Won was really glad that he didn’t sound as Flemish as he could have. That would have been pretty damn embarrassing.

“Yeah,” he replied again and looked at Hoseok, hoping that he would save him from the awkward situation. He knew what he wanted to know and now he just wanted to be at peace, preferable with Hoseok. God.

_Stroking his calf in the middle of a cafe wasn’t scary enough then._

“Oh that’s interesting, your brother said that it’s your first time in Bruges. I hope that you like it,” she smiled at him and left quickly.

_Brother?_

Won suddenly had to think of Hoseok holding onto his hips while putting his tongue inside of him and the picture didn’t go well with ‘brother’. Oh god.

“Brother, I’m dying. At least it wasn’t uncle or something.” Hoseok started laughing and almost spilled his coffee. “See, I told you that she liked you. She was cute. I also want to get my waffle cut.”

Won decided not to comment as his face felt way too hot to look anywhere that was not the table in front of him. Reaching out, he grabbed Hoseok’s plate, pulled it in front of himself and began to cut the waffle into mouth-sized pieces. It was funny because he suddenly remembered taking a sandwich and stuffing it into his mouth, whole.

_Who knows, maybe you really never cut a waffle before._

“It was a joke, Won.” Hoseok took his plate back and pointed at the perfectly cut pieces in front of him. “Eat. I want to see whether it’s better than the apple.”

Shrugging, he grabbed his fork and stuck it into one of the waffle chunks. They did smell nice, especially with the powder on top and the bits of caramelized sugar. Fixating his eyes on Hoseok, he placed the chunk into his mouth and chewed, feeling it melt on his tongue. It was really sweet, but also really good.

_Huh?_

Since it was good he chewed faster, swallowing the tasty mass down and staring at his plate. He genuinely considered eating more of it.

“It’s… okay,” he said and stuffed another piece into his mouth, chewing quickly. “Wait-” His eyes widened and he tried to figure out whether he misunderstood something that Hoseok had said. “Was ‘getting your waffle cut’ an innuendo that I missed?”

“It was what it was, namely a joke because I thought it was cute how much she liked you. But I can understand her,” the black-haired man commented and winked. “It’s tasty, right?” Stuffing a big chunk into his mouth, Hoseok chewed like a bunny, lips moving flexibly and making the older man look even younger than he already did.

Won almost choked on his own waffle at the sight, coughing a few times and feeling his eyes water at the lack of oxygen. God, Hoseok was hilarious.

_You really need the air now, huh?_

“You can understand her? I don’t see you blushing when you look at me and there are also no attempts to cut my waffle. I am disappointed,” he commented and grinned widely. The longer he stared at the black-haired man, the more his features swam, probably because of the tears in his eyes from coughing. Swallowing down the chewed mouthful, he rubbed over his eyes, hoping to clear his vision.

“Well, I’m about ten years older than her and my flirting-game sucks besides when I’m naked and know what to do. You are indeed gorgeous and if I was a twenty-year-old I’d totally cut your waffle.” Again Hoseok laughed and stuffed another piece into his mouth.

“But now it’s an innuendo, right?” Won asked and ate more, barely realizing how the plate emptied. There was something wrong with his eyes because the blurriness stayed. He could barely tell Hoseok from the background. He swallowed because it didn’t get better, hands carefully returning the fork to its spot as he leaned closer towards the older man. It got better. “Is- is there something in my eyes, Hoseok?”

Hoseok stared at him and stopped chewing. It was quiet besides his throat that produced sounds while swallowing his waffle.

“They’re… they’re brown,” the black-haired man muttered and leaned even closer. “Gorgeous.”

_Brown?_

“No- I mean- is there something in them?” Won tried again, moving even closer and opening his eyes wide. It got easier to see Hoseok and his facial expressions, but he had no idea what the hell was in the background.

“No, Won. But they changed color.” Hoseok kept staring at him, wonder obvious on the soft features. “Was it because the waffle was tasty? Interesting. What color are Hyungwon’s eyes?”

_Why does that matter?_

Won huffed in frustration because none of Hoseok’s replies helped him to figure out why he couldn’t see properly. He wanted to close his eyes and roll up, disappointed that he couldn’t make out the background. It was like his vision focused on Hoseok which sounded romantic, but wasn’t at all.

“I don’t know and I don’t care,” he replied and sat back down again, blinking furiously to get rid of the bad eyesight, but it didn’t work.

_Bad eyesight?_

Suddenly he opened them again and stared at Hoseok, lips sucking in another big gulp of air.

“Brown, they were brown, hazelnut brown and he had bad eyesight. Really bad eyesight, fuck.” Ignoring everything else, he closed his eyes and had just enough time to remove the plate in front of him before he placed his head on top of the table and squeezed his eyes shut, hoping that everything would return to the way he knew it.

_It’s all disappearing again, but you need it._

“I see. Did _you_ wear glasses or contact lenses? It’s okay, we’ll go to the optometrist and get you both, so you can see my handsome face again.” The older man’s warm palm settled on his head and he stroked his hair gently.

Won tried to remember, to figure out whether he had been wearing anything when he woke up in the forest, but he couldn’t tell. There had been a point when he rubbed his eyes furiously because his vision was strange, but then it was okay again.

_Maybe you dislodged the contact lenses that way?_

“I don’t need anything. I can see, I- I only need to wait. Let’s wait. It will all come back,” he murmured and kept his head pressed to the table. He only needed to wait again and everything would return to normal. He would feel Hoseok’s emotions instead of the cold surface of the table and he would have red eyes again, seeing everything clearly.

“What’s wrong with needing glasses? I have glasses too. Let me finish my coffee and let’s get your pretty new eyes checked.” He could hear a smile from the way Hoseok spoke. “I wanted to ask you something, Won.” The older man curled his fingers around his wrist and pulled lightly.

“Who are you?”


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update 27th of May
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_They’re mingling._

Hoseok was sure about it while he sat in his favorite cafe in Bruges and watched how Won’s eyes turned brown during their stay there. First it was similar to previous situations when the boy’s eyes turned a darker red, almost bordeaux while he spoke. Then the yellow line around his pupil blurred and the iris turned a rich brown color. He had never seen anything like that before, but was calm enough to not let his confusion and surprise show on his face. Won didn’t realize it either.

_He must’ve stopped feeling you._

Hyungwon and Won were slowly intertwining with each other, memories and certain behaviors exchanging between the two entities and creating a person.

_But he still thinks that Hyungwon is not him._

“Who are you?” Hoseok asked, holding onto the boy’s wrist and trying to get his attention.

“What?” Won asked back and turned towards him, but the dark red had returned, filling out the big eyes as the younger man blinked again. “You are scaring me, Hoseok.”

“Why? I just wanted to know who you think you are.” He tilted his head and watched the boy intently.

“Won?” Blinking a few times, the black-haired man sighed and stood up properly. “Did I miss something? Do you want to leave? I feel a little disoriented.”

_It’s not physical. It’s mental._

“I see. Let’s go get Hyungwon a pair of fancy glasses.” Hoseok got up and placed a twenty-euro bill on the table, nodding at the waitress who hurried over and looked happy about the generous tip.

“Why do you want to get him glasses? If I am careful it won’t happen again, I’m sure,” Won replied, but his voice didn’t sound too convinced. “I only need to- to pay attention to what I do and think, then it won’t happen anymore. You’re worried about me, aren’t you?”

“I’m not worried about you having bad eyesight, Won. I’m worried about you acting as if there isn’t this one person inside you, who you’re trying to ignore by any means. I don’t mean to sound rude or invasive, but remembering the things you told me about Hyungwon’s life I don’t think he’s someone who should be ignored like this,” he whispered and walked towards the exit, pushing the door and holding it patiently for the black-haired young man to follow.

“But- I don’t want to lose all those things I can do, Hoseok. I want my eyes to stay the way they were and I don’t want people to see me. I want it to be just the way it was, with me needing you to feel warm and happy. I don’t want to be on my own, don’t make me leave.” The transition from a calm request to desperate begging was sudden as Won wrapped his arms around him and buried his face in his neck, shaking his head furiously.

“I’m not telling you to leave. Why would you think that I want you to leave? It’s the last thing that I want. I like you and I care about you. A lot,” he murmured and hugged the slim figure, stroking over the black hair and asking himself which approach he needed to make Won understand that there was no way he was able to live peacefully while having a split personality.

“But what if I am not Won anymore? You like me, don’t you? I might not really be me anymore and then you will tell me that I can live on my own and don’t need you anymore and all those things you tell your patients as you allow them to walk out of your life. I don’t want that. I hate it, I’m not a patient.” The black-haired boy stopped breathing and tightened his grip around Hoseok’s waist, squishing him with the strength he was suddenly able to summon.

_Will you tell him to leave?_

“I might prevent myself from stopping you if you decide to leave, but I will never tell you to leave, Won. I don’t like you because you’re a ‘patient’ I need to treat. I like you because you were the first person I’ve ever met who genuinely cared about me. And I don’t care that you did it because some magical mambo jambo forced you to do it, to disappear. It doesn’t matter to me, because in the end you did and you’re special. The thing is just that you’re suffering like this and I can see it. I could see how much you enjoyed eating and how your eyes turned brown while we sat there. You get scared and you try to go back on your behavior and suppress the natural way your body and mind want to function, but is it really the right way?” Hoseok leaned back and watched Won intently. The black-haired boy wasn’t a patient. He was so deeply ingrained inside him that he felt pain just thinking about parting.

“I don’t know,” was the quiet reply as Won finally lifted his head and looked at him. His eyes were dark red and looked wet, glistening in the daylight. “I don’t know what to do. I feel so helpless when I don’t know what you are thinking. I understand how lonely Hyungwon must have felt, constantly believing that nobody liked him or wanted to be close to him. Not feeling your emotions makes me think the same way.”

_It’s always anxiety, isn’t it?_

He wanted to tell Won about effective ways to stop being scared, elaborate on the internal thought patterns that prevented humans from acting and numbing them, but instead he focused his gaze on the dark red eyes in front of him and tightened his grip on the boy’s slim waist.

“I’m scared too,” he whispered.

“What are you scared of?” Won asked and loosened his grip. The black-haired boy shifted in his arms and let his hands travel to Hoseok’s neck, embracing him carefully.

_What are you scared of?_

“That you’ll leave, disappear, hurt yourself the same way you did before, that your feelings change, that you’re only attached to me because of your ‘task’ and there’s nothing real behind it, that the more human you become the more you understand what kind of human I am and decide to distance yourself. That you will be scared that I want too much, because I still want it all and I'm not able and not willing to change it.” Hoseok listed everything he could think of.

Suddenly Won smiled, lips spread wide and eyes turning into crescents. They looked much darker again.

“I’m glad,” he whispered and closed the distance, kissing his lips briefly, “because I stopped thinking about my task a long time ago. If Hyungwon doesn’t feel the same way about you that I do, then I will simply have to show him how wonderful you are. I doubt that it will be difficult, after all he is the one that sent me to you.”

_You were right. It's because Hyungwon didn’t want to disappear. Won is his will to live._

“I told you. I think that you’re him and he is you. Hyungwon.” Smiling, he leaned in and kissed the boy’s thick lips. The feeling was beautiful. It didn’t help remove his insecurities and thoughts, and his anxiety still lingered under the confident words he spoke, but it was okay.

“Well, then I’m speaking for both of us. We’re not leaving you, Hoseok, nice try.” Grinning, the black-haired boy jumped up again and wrapped his legs around him in the middle of the inner city of Bruges, pulling curious and slightly disturbed glances towards them.

“You’re so young, makes me feel young too.” Hoseok held onto the man in his arms and swung him around, laughing loudly. It was the first time in a long, long time that he felt levity.

“You're not _that_ old,” Won remarked after yelling in surprise. It caused a few grandmas to shake their head in disappointment, but both of them didn't pay attention to that, giggling in excitement. “Are you upset about being called my brother? You need to kiss me more.”

“How old are you, Hyungwon?” he asked again and let Won’s feet touch the ground. He deliberately used the name, because Won didn’t have any access to this information.

“Nineteen, why?” the pretty boy asked back cheerfully and kissed his lips again.

_It works._

Smiling brightly, he attempted to say something until he realized that Hyungwon was nineteen.

_Oh god, Hoseok._

“You’re nineteen?” he yelled even though it made absolute sense and there was nothing to be curious about. “I’m eleven years older than you,” he murmured, confusing sadness washing over him all of a sudden.

“Cool,” Won replied, still grinning, “you can teach me lots of stuff then.”

_He was only nineteen. He must’ve been so desperate._

Hoseok smiled, still thinking about the brown-eyed boy who didn’t want to live and preferred to disappear while still desperately looking for help.

“There are a lot of things I will show you and you will have the most amazing life ever. You will see what happiness feels like, what it feels like to be alive. Thank you for coming to me,” he whispered and held onto the boy’s hand, intertwining their fingers and smiling at him as they walked towards one of the bigger canals.

“You- feel sad somehow,” Won murmured and squeezed his palm before lifting it to his lips and kissing it.

“Because I feel sorry to Hyungwon, but it'll be fine now. There are so many people who think that they can't do anything, but that's bullshit. They could help others who suffer and feel better about themselves afterwards. Imagine how nice the world would be if everybody did.”

“Sounds good to me, I'll take care of you and you'll take care of me.” The beautiful boy smiled brightly and reached out to press his cheeks together before kissing his pouty mouth.

_Sounds good, doesn't it?_

_

 

The weeks passed quickly and he had kept Won busy with books that he had given the boy to read while he worked. He even tried to work less than usual while skipping his evening cigarette for the boy's sake. He didn't like it when he smoked.

Won's eyes kept changing color once in a while, forcing the black-haired boy to wear the glasses he bought while they were in Bruges.

_But he still wants to keep being Won._

Hoseok sighed as he looked at his painful past, represented by his handsome ex-boyfriend who stared at him, face painted with his lack of understanding.

“What do you mean you have a boyfriend?” Hobi asked, chuckling because it must've seemed like a joke to him. It wasn't.

“I'm in a relationship with someone, so no kissing and no random hugs. You're such a jealous person, you should be able to understand,” Hoseok replied and crossed his arms in front of his chest.

“Is it someone I know?” The younger man didn't let go of the topic. Before Hoseok could answer there was a loud knock against the door.

_But you don't have any clients._

Instead of giving up as most people would there were a few seconds of silence followed by another knock, this time a little louder. Hoseok still stared at the door, disbelieving that anybody would disrupt someone else's session without an appointment. Clients couldn't go through without talking to the man at the information desk.

While he was thinking, another knock sounded, this time resembling the noise of somebody throwing their whole body against the door. It was enough to get up and close the distance quickly.

Pushing down the handle, Hoseok was met with Won's big eyes, staring at him apologetically while the tall boy rubbed his arm. His forehead was a faint red colour.

_Did he try to walk through the door?_

“Sorry, I must have miscalculated, I'm sorry. I couldn't believe that it wouldn't work! Are you very busy?” Won asked him with a small smile until he glanced past him and must have seen Hobi. “Oh.”

_He can’t walk through walls anymore._

“Do you need help chasing someone away?” the brown-haired man asked and lifted his eyebrow.

“No,” Hoseok replied and glanced at his watch. “Our session is over anyway.”

“Funny considering it's what I kept saying about you. Stop using him, you bastard,” Won suddenly hissed in Hobi's direction and turned around, eyes glistening red for a brief moment. “Pick me up at the bench outside when you're done.”

Licking over his lips, the pretty boy grabbed his collar to tilt his head back, kissing his mouth. “Don't let him hurt you,” Won whispered before turning around and disappearing in the hallway.

_You didn't show him this, did you?_

Sighing, he turned and walked towards Hobi.

“You don't need to chase anyone away, Hobi. He's the person I was talking about.”

The younger man's eyes widened and he curled his warm fingers around his arm.

“Are you kidding me, Hoseok? Are you dating a student? He's maximum twenty. Oh god, is he by chance one of your patients? Isn't it illegal?”

_Of course it is, but he's not your patient._

“What? No, he isn't. I just told you. I'm in a relationship with this person. His name is Hyungwon and I like him a lot.” He didn't expect this kind of discussion, especially after explaining everything clearly.

“I can't believe that you're fucking a twenty-year-old, wow. It would be funny if it wasn't fucking sad. Do you even know what you are doing to yourself by dating a kid? He will leave you as soon as Troye Sivan brings out a new break up song, Hoseok. Didn't you talk about commitment, how the fuck is a kid supposed to commit? I understand that it's probably nice to fuck and he's head over heels over your dick and how you can make him feel, but it's not a solid relationship, you'll get hurt.”

Hoseok wanted to punch a wall. It was like a ridiculous movie, one in which his ex boyfriend with commitment issues warned him about his boyfriend possibly having commitment issues.

“Why would you care, Hobi? You don't want me, you want your ex, so don't tell me what to do with my life. See you tomorrow,” he murmured and grabbed his bag. The brown eyes still lingered on his face when Hobi put on his coat and disappeared in the stairway, not saying a word.

_Are you being delusional, Hoseok?_

Was he? Was he crazy? Overly optimistic and unrealistic, hoping that it would work out for once?

_Didn't you see enough to know?_

The familiar feeling spread in his chest as he walked in the direction of the park, spotting Won on one of the benches.

“Hey,” he said and sat next to the beautiful black-haired boy. Thinking about it, the boy looked really young, especially with his long bangs covering his forehead.

“I'm sorry,” Won murmured and stared at his feet that he rubbed over concrete. “I was being selfish and reckless again. But I'll work on it, I promise!” Looking up, the pretty boy chewed on his cheek and pouted a little. “You look sad, you do that thing when your eyes don't smile. Is it because of me?”

“You kissed me to show him, didn't you?” he asked, leaning against the backrest of the bench and watching the trees that looked greener than the month before. Hoseok liked spring.

“It was- two things. I wanted to show him, so that he gives up and stops hurting you and I wanted to show you that you have me and that I like you a lot. I was a little scared that he… could change your mind. I'm sorry for doubting you like that.” Won swallowed audibly and embraced him from the side, plump lips pressing a kiss to his shoulder.

“Ah, why do I like you so much?” he asked and closed his eyes for a few seconds.

“Because I’m _won_ derful,” the pretty boy replied and giggled quietly. “Bad pun, I know. Do you want to take a walk? There is a nice park not too far from here. We could kick pebbles and talk about your day or I can tell you what I think about ‘Norwegian Wood’.”

“Let’s do it. You know, I really want to know what your life was like before you met me.” Hoseok got up and curled his fingers around the boy’s slim wrist, pulling him up quickly.

“Huh? I told you, I hung out at home and stared at my feet,” Won replied like it was the most normal thing ever. “Boring and frustrating, guess that’s why I decided to disappear before.”

“What about your family? A person is never alone in the universe, you know? There must have been people who cared about you and who are really sad now that you’re here with me.” No matter how Won put it, there was no ‘It’s boring so I decide to take my life’ in a world where Hoseok lived in.

“Hmph, there was the voice of another person telling me to not be discouraged because whatever happened to me was ‘not the end of the world’. I don’t know who it was though, only that I replied with ‘sure’ and didn’t mean a single syllable.” Won seemed in thought, playing with Hoseok’s fingers as he placed one foot in front of the next.

_Parents?_

“This person must miss you a lot,” he murmured and looked ahead, hoping not to meet any clients. “Don’t you- want to know? I mean about what happened before?”

“I don’t know. There was so much darkness to it that it feels like I’ll only feel unhappy. Right now I don’t mind that I was so miserable before, because I am happy now. As long as I remain happy it’s okay to have been sad before, right?” Sighing, the black-haired boy brushed his bangs back, revealing his forehead for a moment. It was still a little red and Hoseok couldn’t help suspecting that Won must have run against his office door. Repeatedly.

“I think you were severely depressed before. You don’t remember getting any help, right?” he asked and tightened his grip on Won’s… no, Hyungwon’s hand. “Also, you seem to get more vulnerable every day. But on the other hand I can touch myself in the bathroom without you walking in on me,” he commented and grinned brightly.

“What is that supposed to- wait- you touch yourself when you could be touching me? But- Hoseok!” The black-haired boy looked outraged, mouth open in shock and eyes wide. “I kept waiting for you to want to be close to me, but here you are compensating with a poor replacement for me! Why? You’re not sleeping with me, so isn’t it fine?”

_But you want to._

Hoseok had no idea how the topic turned from depression into sex, but it seemed strangely natural with them.

“It’s hard if the bunny always sees the carrot in front of his nose without biting it,” Hoseok commented and smirked, licking over his lips. “Anyway, back to the topic, you didn’t get any help?”

“No, back to my topic, why doesn’t the bunny bite the fucking carrot then?” Hyungwon nibbled on his lips and stopped right in front of him, eyes narrowed.

“Because bunny is a responsible adult who can foresee consequences,” Hoseok replied and stuck out his tongue.

“Overrated,” the pretty boy replied and grinned again. “Fine, an answer for an answer. What do you mean by ‘help’? Somebody who held me by the hand and told me everything would be okay? That was just bullshit, so even if somebody did, it wasn’t worth remembering.” Won shrugged nonchalantly and returned his attention to the pretty trees around them, smiling.

“So you didn’t. Your family didn’t take it seriously? I’m really sorry about this.” He sighed and kicked a stone to the side while walking.

“I remember nothing about my family, guess that doesn’t speak for them. You are my family now.” Won smiled again, lips spread wide and suddenly sprinted forward, running all the way to a fountain, touching the grey stone briefly before he ran all the way back, inhaling frequently to compensate for the used oxygen. “Those questions return the dread, Hoseok. I don’t like it.”

“I know that they do, but you can feel dread because I’m next to you and I promise that I’ll do whatever you need to calm down.” He smiled and circled his arms around the younger man’s waist.

“That’s already better,” Won whispered and leaned down to bury his face in the crook of his neck, inhaling sharply. “It’s still hot when you embrace me, hotter than I can be on my own.”

“You can be on your own. You don’t have the knowledge, but you still can. I’m not chasing you away, but I’m not the reason for your existence. You are. I’m here enjoying the fact that you exist.” He kissed Won’s soft lips and asked himself what needed to happen for the black-haired boy to embrace his fears.

He was kissed back intently as the slim arms tightened around his neck, pulling him further into the kiss and tilting his head back to make it easier for Won as he leaned down a little.

“But existing is nicer when you are next to me,” the boy whispered.

“It’s the same for me.”

There was no point in denying it. Even if Hoseok wasn’t depressed or longed to disappear, he felt lonely. He wasn't hopeful or happy, but life felt different with the beautiful black-haired boy existing next to him.

_Maybe it's enough to exist next to each other? Why would you want everything?_

 

 

***

 

 

_You are overcompensating._

Won wasn’t stupid or naive when it was about his own feelings and what was happening to him. He knew what was going on, that each day his body became more human. He tried to hide it with smiles and additional cheerfulness, jumping around and talking loudly, but the facts were still there. His abilities were fading, only blessing him on a dark day, covered by rain clouds and when thoughts that weren’t his were particularly loud. It almost felt like there was a price to pay for sensing the black-haired man’s emotions, for being numb and for being unnoticed. The price was pain.

_It’s your memories, the painful ones, crippling and cold._

It wasn’t that bad when he was with Hoseok, when his fingers were safely stroking over the hot palm and giving off warmth of their own. His mind had an agreement with his abilities, a contract that forbid him from being happy. His task felt real like that, like Won was supposed to evoke happiness in Hoseok, but each day that he felt it himself his body became more permanent, an entity that existed in the human world and couldn’t disappear. He wanted it, he wanted to stay next to the muscular man that held his hand and smiled at him as they walked through a beautiful park. His surroundings were a vibrant green like each color turned brighter with every additional heartbeat in his chest.

_But do you want to be next to him as a human?_

Won’s first answer was a yes. He didn’t care, it wasn’t important whether he was human or a half existence when he was next to Hoseok. The older man made it seem like it was worth to be next to him, no matter what he was. Of course he also knew that he was being hypocritical, upset about becoming human when he had told Hoseok that he didn’t belong because he wasn’t one. The thought that he wasn’t human and therefore didn’t belong had been a constant one.

Now his body was warm, his heart was beating and his eyes barely focused even though he pretended that they did. Won felt like he had to hide it, to show that everything was the same and that he wasn’t changing, that there wasn’t a part of him getting louder and louder.

_What if he won’t like you anymore once you change?_

It was a terrifying thought, like every bad memory could become true if he gave in. As if his body changed and his perceptions pulled him back into the blackness that he only knew from blurry images in his mind. Not knowing Hoseok’s emotions only made it worse, it pushed insecurity into his thoughts like a weed, growing slowly without anybody capable of ripping it out in time.

Even now Won couldn’t tell, staring at the beautiful dark eyes and the curved lips, attempting to understand what Hoseok was feeling. The older man had just agreed with him, told him that existing was nicer when it was next to him, but without the knowledge of emotions that usually poured beyond the boundaries of the beautiful man’s skin, there was so much insecurity. Won didn’t know, he didn’t know if existing next to him would continue to be worth it, even when he wasn’t Won anymore, not really at least.

_You’re melting into your memories and you can’t do anything about it._

“How- can you be so sure that you want to be next to me?” he asked, swallowing down the sudden, familiar dread that wasn’t his but slowly mingled with him, becoming one entity. It wasn’t enough to return his ability to sense emotions, but the warm hand holding his helped a little. “What if- if I change?”

_You want to make him happy too, but you are so dark inside, pulling him along._

Hoseok turned to him and seemed in thought.

“What makes you think that I know you right now? I don't. And I don't know whether you'll stay next to me either, I simply try not to think about it and see what happens. The only important factor is Hyungwon because he knows everything and he's in pain. You're in pain.”

_You are._

Won clenched his teeth and nodded slowly, attempting to make sense of the older man’s words. His fear of changing and becoming somebody that Hoseok disliked was his main reason for not giving in, for being afraid of the memories and of what was happening to him.

“But you like what you see now, the me that I am now. What if- all of that is gone?” he whispered and shuddered at the image of darkness and a plain white ceiling, covered in shadows that he was unfamiliar with.

“I like what you show me, but I know that it's not everything. I want to know what's inside you. I do think that it's scary and devastating, but it's a part of you and I want to see it.” Sighing, the black-haired man closed his eyes and thought about something.

Won nodded again, hoping that it was enough to show that he understood, even if it wasn’t everything. He couldn’t comprehend why Hoseok wanted to see the darkness too, the worst bits of it if he could have focused on the cheerfulness Won displayed, on the way he grinned and jumped up, embracing him tightly.

_Because it is the same with you, you hate his fake smiles that he gifts others, pretending to be happy when he isn’t._

“Are you okay? I am sorry for not asking, pretending that all of this is about me.” He chuckled bitterly and kicked a pebble, suddenly less excited about it than he had been a few moments ago. “Did he hurt you again?”

The mere thought of Hobi made him angry, the idea that the brown-haired man could attempt to get close and touch Hoseok against his will again, taking something because he knew the older man’s weaknesses.

“Me? I’m fine. He wasn’t very fond of me dating you, but it’s my life, so he only said a few mean things and left. It’s okay.” The black-haired man squeezed his hand and smiled in reassurance.

“Are you- sad about the mean things he said?” Won chewed on his cheek, upset that he couldn't tell on his own and had to ask. Maybe he wouldn't even be able to tell Hoseok's real smile from a fake one in a few weeks.

“No. You don’t need to worry, my problems are not heavy or pressuring, I have never thought about disappearing like Hyungwon did, like you did. Not even once. My issues are too big to live happily and too small to die from, so I’m caught in this continuous cycle of asking myself why I exist and knowing that it would’ve been better if my resilience was distributed between people who really need it.” Smiling brightly, Hoseok pointed at a blooming tree. “Look. It’s gorgeous.”

Won glanced to the side and examined the tree. It was nice and the leaves had begun to grow, a fresh and vibrant green, but the sight wasn't enough to extinguish the discomfort at Hoseok's words.

_He doesn't feel at peace and can't help but notice the misery of others._

“I- struggle to understand why your problems are too big to live. You seem like such a wonderful person to me, beautiful, considerate and the source of my happiness. Almost every thought connected to you is positive for me, conjuring a smile on my face. It's so different when- when I think of myself.”

“But that’s the point, Hyungwon. My issues are big enough to not feel happy or hopeful. They are small enough to live, you see me living, here I am, I can smile and I’m healthy, I only smoke occasionally and I am able to function without any major difficulties. I’m fine. I told you when you first came to me and I’m telling you now. It’s the same.” Hoseok didn’t seem sad or worried while talking about himself, it seemed like a fact, a scientific finding, something that wasn’t a topic for discussion.

“But- do you want to change something or not? I've seen you be happy with me, Hoseok, just like I am with you. Just because an issue isn't big, doesn't mean there is no need for change.” Won swallowed and grabbed Hoseok's hand with more vigor, squeezing it tightly. “Small problems also deserve solving. Can't I help you? It's what I wanted to do in the beginning and I still do.”

“I don’t mean to sound rude, but I think you should change the way you approach your own issues first. My problems are definitely nothing in comparison.” The older man sighed and looked ahead as they walked.

_Again he focuses on you._

“Do you think that I'm not qualified to help you until I help myself?” he whispered back and kicked another pebble. “I want to take care of you the way you take care of me.”

“But I’m not the one who wanted to disappear and hid behind a wall of helping some dude and being his guardian angel and whatnot. I don’t think that it’s about your qualification. It’s about you trying to hide behind this wall again, even though you should face it. Face it, Hyungwon. Who knows, maybe you’ll be able to understand me then.” Hoseok stopped and turned to him, cupping his face between his small hands and stroked along his cheek tenderly. The older man must be thinking about something, but Won didn’t know. He couldn’t feel it.

_He's right, you're terrified of allowing the darkness in._

It was embarrassing to blame the older man for not facing his ‘small’ problems when Won was hiding desperately and pretended that there was no need for glasses and he wasn't becoming human.

“Will you- be with me when I face it?” he asked and covered the older man's hand with his own. For the first time they felt colder than his. “I'm scared of being without you, more than of the darkness.”

“I will. I am,” Hoseok whispered and kissed him.

It felt so calming, like Won could melt into the embrace and it would still be there even when his memories returned completely, showing him how miserable he had been. Hyungwon was a part of him.

Hoseok stepped back and looked at him across the distance.

_You are him._

“Hyungwon?” an unfamiliar female voice asked behind him, forcing him to freeze in place and hesitate turning around. He didn't know who it was and why the person would call him Hyungwon, but the name caused his breath to hitch.

_You know why. It’s because you are Hyungwon._

He was embarrassed to be embracing Hoseok in the middle of a park and be recognized in addition, but he forced the thought away and turned around.

His eyes focused on the slightly blurry face of a girl, probably his age with curly brown hair and round cheeks. She was examining his face intently, like she couldn't believe her eyes.

“Oh my God, it's really you!” she suddenly exclaimed and stepped closer, wide smile spreading her lips. “I can't believe it, wow, university changes people!”

Won simply stared at her, at the girl's eyes, her facial expression and the way her hair looked, a little puffy. There was something in the depths of his memories, but he couldn't pull it out yet, not-

_School, you know her from high school. She's a classmate, Hyungwon._

He could see it clearly, his school desk, a few pointless notes that he had attempted to make, written in his ugly handwriting. He also remembered the brown head that suddenly popped up, grinning and asking him something.

_Something you probably couldn't answer._

“A-Alicia,” he stuttered but didn't know what to say. His mind was blank apart from the desperate attempt to hold onto Hoseok's hand.

“Yes! You remember! It's been a few months, I was already sad that you forgot. Oh- I'm sorry, Sir.” Smiling in embarrassment, his ex-classmate stretched out her hand towards Hoseok. “I'm Alicia, I graduated with Hyungwon.”

Hoseok smiled while shaking the girl’s hand and watched the whole scene with interest.

“Nice to meet you, Alicia. I'm Hoseok.” Tilting his head, the older man focused on him instead, observing him intently.

Hyungwon didn't really know what to do and stood around stupidly, staring at his feet at first and then at the way Hoseok squeezed the girl's hand politely and let go again. There was nothing he could say or do, nothing that mattered or filled the silence that stretched for longer than was comfortable. His head hurt from the constant flow of memories, sitting in school, staring out of the window, at his own feet, unable to concentrate and follow. It was terrible and he didn’t want to think of it. One memory followed the next, like the box of Pandora had been opened, terrible things entering his head one by one.

“Are you his older brother? I thought he was in the US though!” Grinning brightly, the petite girl slapped his shoulder and came even closer. “Maybe that’s why you suddenly look so bright. The switch is crazy! Your clothes too.” She pulled at the leather jacket that he wore on top of his white t-shirt and turned her head towards Hoseok. “Thank you for returning, Hyungwon’s older brother.”

“I- I don’t know,” he replied quietly and blinked a few times, struggling to follow the words, what they meant and what the small girl was hinting at. A brother? In the US?

_The one who left you, Hyungwon._

His head hurt so much that he barely managed to suck the air into his mouth, hyperventilating as the girl’s voice continued, worry mingling with the previous excitement.

“Hyungwon? Are you- oh god- did I say something? Shall we talk about university instead? You wanted to go so much, didn’t you?”

His vision blurred, differently than before. It wasn’t just the unrecognizable features of the people around him or the pebbles on the ground. Instead black borders began to slowly take over his vision, surrounding it like a frame that only increased in size, covering more and more of the vibrant colors. Only his memories were still sharp, a letter, shaking hands, tears that soaked the grey paper. Weeks of planning, badly written messages and explanations, a forest, his naked feet on wet leaves, nothing.

***

There was a reason for his continuous attempts to make Won embrace the fact that he was Hyungwon. There was the wish to make the beautiful black-haired boy face his fears and integrate his positive experiences into his past negative ones, to grow with them and to understand that the black side that he was talking about was something he didn’t have to abandon, but could learn to deal with. There were Hoseok’s thoughts as a psychotherapist, of course there were. He knew that Hyungwon needed to return his memories and deal with the negativity that brought him to such devastation, but Hoseok as a human didn’t know what that meant.

It could’ve meant that the black-haired boy would become someone else, understand that there was no need for the dependency relationship and no need to stay next to Hoseok because he wasn’t special or able to make him happy.

_He only thinks that because he has nothing right now. It needs to return._

He knew that they needed to return, the memories, the previous life Hyungwon lived. All of it. As he saw the color disappear from the boy’s face, slowly turning white until he reached for the slim body that collapsed in his arms, he knew. He knew that there were memories, a lot of them, a life, a brother, family. Things that Hyungwon had.

_Things that he will return to._

The knowledge tasted bitter, but it was selfish, so fucking selfish that he had to pinch himself to stop thinking like an egoistic kid. The handsome young man came to him because he needed help and that was what he was supposed to do. It was what he was best at. Help.

_Help him get himself back and give him tools to deal with the blackness without wanting to die._

If someone had looked into his head, they would’ve thought that he was a robot, only thinking about emotions and behavior from a logical point of view. It wasn’t true. He liked Hyungwon. He liked Won. He liked the black-haired boy so much, that at this point he would’ve made him up if he wasn’t real. So much, that if he suddenly disappeared, Hoseok would try to follow wherever Won disappeared to. But right now, everything Hyungwon wanted seemed wrong and he had to help him, not deal with his own selfish feelings, love, or guilt.

_You feel guilty because he feels dependent on you._

His thoughts stopped as he brushed the sweaty strands from Hyungwon’s forehead and looked up to the girl while holding a finger under the boy’s nose. He was breathing.

“I’m sorry, he must’ve skipped breakfast. Don’t worry, he’ll wake up soon. I think he’ll be uncomfortable if he wakes up after fainting, so it’s better that you leave.” Hoseok nodded to emphasize his words and carried the almost weightless young man to the nearby bench. As Hyungwon was lying flat, Hoseok kneeled down and lifted his legs with one hand and his eyelid with the other. The pupil looked normal, so he would wake up soon. He could see the girl look confused and worried for a few moments before she finally turned around and went on her way.

“Hey, Won,” he said, attempting to reduce the traumatic response by avoiding his real name.

The younger man jerked suddenly, eyes opening wide and attempting to rise up, only to fall back to the bench while his nose desperately sucked in oxygen.

“Hoseok,” he muttered immediately, looking around until his eyes settled on him and he reached out, attempting to wrap his arms around him. Hyungwon didn’t say anything else, eyes wide and chest rising and falling rapidly.

“Are you back?” He smiled in reassurance and checked the boy’s pulse that vibrated against his fingers as he pressed down on his slim wrist.

“I can’t believe I fainted, the last time was when I forgot to eat breakfast and jumped up to catch the bus. As you can probably guess I didn’t even get to the front door.” The black-haired boy chuckled bitterly and wrapped his arm around his neck instead of letting Hoseok focus on his pulse.

“You didn’t like the girl? Or what she reminded you of?” Hoseok enjoyed how warm Hyungwon’s arms were around his neck and it was tempting to give in, but he was there to help.

“Alicia? I don’t mind her, it’s-” There was a moment in which Hyungwon stopped both, talking and breathing until he coughed and inhaled sharply, muscles relaxing slowly. Hoseok must have reminded him again, but he avoided fainting. “It’s the memories.”

Humming quietly, he helped the younger man up and checked his vitals briefly before removing his hand.

“What kind of memories?” he asked, watching Hyungwon’s face that seemed to show a variety of expressions compared to before.

Huffing, the black-haired man shrugged and jumped up from the bench, grabbing Hoseok’s hand and just moving ahead, along the path they had been walking.

“I don’t like your face, it looks like you are about to hum in understanding, write a few notes on a white sheet of paper and tell me to take antidepressants,” he commented, but didn’t look at him, staring straight ahead instead. “You’re not even embracing me.”

“You want to hug?” He smiled, before the smile turned into a bright grin. “Your brother?”

Instead of giggling as he would have before, Hyungwon turned around and stared at him for a few moments, eyes even darker than they had been. There wasn’t a hint of yellow or red as the younger man sighed and reached into the pocket of his tight jeans, pulling out a case and placing the glasses Hoseok had bought him on his round nose.

“Better,” he muttered and brushed through his hair. “I’m glad you’re not my brother. Very glad, but I still want to hug you. A lot.”

“The glasses look really good on you,” Hoseok admitted truthfully and brushed his bangs back in a nervous gesture. “You can hug me. Always. But I still want to know about your memories.”

Not even a second passed until he had slim arms around his neck and a flat chest pressed against his own, hot breaths tickling his ear.

“I don’t really like the glasses. They make me look fucking nerdy,” Hyungwon commented and chuckled. “And like myself, just a little better because my old ones were huge.”

“Those don’t seem like memories traumatic enough to faint over though,” he commented. Hyungwon didn’t know, but he was patient and extremely persistent. It came handy with his job and helped him while treating all kinds of mental health issues that involved ignorance or unwillingness to cooperate.

“Damn and I thought you are only stubborn when it comes to… “ Hyungwon swallowed and licked over his lips, loud enough to hear, “not sleeping with me.” Sighing, the black-haired boy let go and pushed both hands into the pockets of his jeans. It was a new gesture and he looked a little frustrated with the lack of space for his long fingers. There was also a bit of blush on his face, probably because of the topic.

“I’m stubborn in general. I also happen to have rather strong opinions, but you’ll have enough time to find out about that side of me if you continue behaving like a frustrated teenager.” Hoseok leaned in and winked at Hyungwon, before sitting down on another bench. He was getting old. “It’ll happen again, if you don’t learn to deal with it.”

“Fainting you mean?” Sucking his plump lips into his mouth, Hyungwon followed him and let his slim body fall on the bench with a quiet thud. His head was thrown back, black hair much longer than it had been when he had dripped water on the floor of Hoseok’s apartment. “I remembered why I went to the forest in the first place, ending up here, with you.”

“Mhm. What happened? It must’ve been devastating.” Hoseok reached out for the boy’s hand and pulled it out of his jeans, intertwining their fingers carefully. The gesture conjured a soft smile on Hyungwon’s lips.

“Didn’t get into university. Might not sound all that dramatic, but- that’s basically the only thing that I thought would save me, you know? Give the whole thing a point. But here she goes, asking me what uni is like after wanting it so much and-” The black-haired man wasn’t able to continue talking, words leaving his lips like a waterfall that was suddenly blocked by a dam, teeth settling on his plump bottom lip. A tear made it’s way past his bottom lid and ran down his cheek, followed by a quiet sob.

“It’s not about it being dramatic or not. It’s about the valence it has for you. What did you want to do?” Hoseok asked and swallowed down his own emotions at the sight of the person he liked crying.

_Remember, when you couldn’t study psychology and had to go through three different universities to finally be accepted?_

“What the fuck is valence, Hoseok? Your psycho-talk just confuses me,” the black-haired boy whispered and rubbed over his face furiously, chest shaking from the next wave of tears. “I- I like biology, so I hoped that I could get in. At least into one of them. It’s nothing super fancy, so you can imagine how much my high school grades sucked.”

“Sorry. It means that the only thing that determines importance is whether you consider it important. Nothing else.” Squeezing the boy’s hand briefly, he looked to the side and reached for Hyungwon’s handsome face with his free hand, wiping the tears from the smooth skin. “I’m really sorry that you didn’t get in. We’ll take care of that later, but you must’ve felt devastated because of that to go to the forest and want to disappear.”

“I had some time to plan,” the younger man muttered and shrugged again like it was meaningless. “It was nice before I remembered it.”

“But now that you know it, how do you feel? Do you still want to disappear?” Hoseok asked, hoping that the memory would integrate in the positivity that Hyungwon had experienced as Won.

“I find myself wishing that cooking and picking up a thirty-year-old man from work was a job,” Hyungwon replied and chuckled, wiping over his face again. “I don’t know what to do, but- no I don’t want to disappear.”

“I’m happy that you don’t want to disappear.” Hoseok smiled and it was completely genuine. His smiles were rarely so emotional that he felt them in the middle of his chest, spreading goosebumps over his skin and warming him up from the inside. “You can do whatever you like, we will figure it out and I will help you because I want you to get everything that you really want. You deserve it. My energy must be good for something, right?”

“But I don’t want to play the pity card or get something because I have a psychotherapist boyfriend that sacrifices shit for me. I want to get something because I deserve it or because I am good enough. Guess what- I had a beautiful piece of white paper that told me I’m not. Nowhere close to be exact.” Shaking his head in support of his words, Hyungwon threw his head back again and exhaled roughly. “I want to be next to you, but that’s not my decision either, is it? I don’t want you to keep me around because you are afraid I’d do something.”

_There he is._

“Nice to meet you,” he commented and turned to the black-haired boy, smile pushing his cheeks upwards and turning his eyes into crescents. “Hyungwon.”

The younger man’s eyes opened wide, but it wasn’t shock or surprise this time.

“But you know me, Hoseok.”

“I don’t, but I will, if you show me. Your thought patterns- I mean the way you think and explain different situations to yourself is very different from how you did it before, if you did it at all that is. I’m happy that it shines through now, it makes sense and there’s an option to change it, if you like, or to live with it. Whatever you prefer. Either way I’m excited to meet you.”

Hyungwon narrowed his eyes a little and lifted his head from the bench quickly, long fingers reaching out to grab his wrist and pull him closer.

“Is this the point at which you tell me that my thoughts aren’t realistic and that I should keep a diary like you told that girl two weeks ago?”

“No, because as you said, you’re not a patient. But there are still things that I won’t accept because I’m selfish and I want you to be happy the most.” Leaning forward, he placed a soft kiss on the younger man’s soft cheek. It was cool and tasted a little bit salty from the tears, but he liked the sensation. “I don’t want you to be dependent on me.”

“But I’d like you to depend on me,” Hyungwon whispered after nodding at his words in understanding and playing with his fingers, pulling at his cuticles. “What won’t you accept?”

“I won’t accept ignorance of your issues because there is no way that it’s helpful because as long as your brain knows, you know it too. I also won’t accept a dependency relationship because it has a crooked power dynamic and I hate that. But the most important thing is that I won’t accept you hurting yourself. No fucking way, do you understand?” His voice turned stern and low with each spoken word until he almost hissed at the younger man next to him. He didn’t mean to, but the memory with the knife was still very vivid in his mind and forced a shiver to run down his spine.

“O-okay,” Hyungwon whispered, voice breathy and eyes wide, almost like Hoseok’s reaction had scared him. The black-haired boy had slipped a few centimeters away as Hoseok raised his voice, long fingers almost white from the force with which they held on. “I- I won’t, I won’t do it, I’m sorry.”

“I need to look for my own therapist to get rid of the image, but they’ll lock me up because no-one will believe that a human without blood cut his palm and it only started bleeding because I touched it. Sad.” Sighing, he got up from the bench and pulled the boy up. “I need to work on the image of your brother though. In addition to the fact that he probably misses you too.”

Suddenly a loud and clear laugh sounded through the air, almost a little painful in his ears as Hyungwon brushed through his hair again and shook his head quickly.

“There is no way that he misses me. I’m the reason he left for the US,” the black-haired man replied and shrugged again, like it didn’t matter much. “But I am still sorry. I remember how scared you looked when I cut my palm, your eyes were so wide and you were shivering. I’m sorry for making you feel that way, I really am.”

_Their relationship is bad?_

“As long as you won’t experiment with knives again. Did your brother tell you that you were the reason? Or are you assuming?” He kicked a pebble and took Hyungwon’s hand into his again. He did feel a little weird because of the frequent comments about him being the younger man’s brother.

“He told me loud and clear, Hoseok. I can even spell it out for you with glittery letters, all pretty and shiny,” Hyungwon replied and chewed on his cheek as he placed one foot in front of the next, moving back in the direction of the tram stop. “F-A-G-G-O-T. He said it really loudly as he left.”

_Wow. Trash level 999._

“Fine, I’ll give you that one. He should’ve come back and apologized to you,” Hoseok murmured. He didn’t have many problems himself as his patients weren’t interested in his sexuality and he was mostly alone anyway, before meeting Hobi and after that. He didn’t know what it meant to be cursed at and discriminated against.

“What kind of world are you living in, Hoseok? As if most people apologize after being mean. Also, it’s like a thousand bucks, who would pay that to apologize to their little gay brother after being an asshole? I kinda understand him, but it still hurt.”

“But you know what costs zero bucks? Shutting the fuck up,” he hissed and surprised himself as he usually didn’t curse much in front of others. Hyungwon giggled cutely at the comment, holding a hand in front of his mouth to hide it.

“Wait, why are you hiding your laugh? I want to see it, what’s the point in making you laugh with my lack of inhibition if you put your giant hand in front of your face?” Winking, he curled his fingers around Hyungwon’s wrist and pulled his hand down. “But be honest with me, is there any person who you miss or who might miss you?”

“Nah,” Hyungwon replied and shrugged again. “I made sure nobody would be wondering about where I am. I am a coward, I didn’t write goodbye letters or anything, I just made sure that it looks like I left the country. Didn’t think I would end up- doing whatever the fuck it is I had been doing. Shit, did it all really happen, Hoseok?”

_Did it? Aren’t you thinking too much?_

“I don’t know. I just know that if you weren’t real I would make you up. Now,” he whispered and pulled the younger man towards a tree. Hoseok turned and hit his back against it while wrapping his arms around Hyungwon’s slim waist. “But even if I’m making you up right now, I feel, so it must be real.”

The beautiful man gasped loudly and lifted his arms to wrap them around Hoseok’s neck. At first it looked like Hyungwon wanted to speak, plump lips parting, but after a few more seconds the black-haired boy simply leaned down and clashed their mouths together, pressing their chests flush and licking over his bottom lip.

Hoseok melted into the kiss that mixed with the sensations of blooming fruit trees, Hyungwon’s citrus scent and the hotness of the younger man’s mouth. His skin tingled where he could feel the slim arms. His breaths were hitting the other man’s neck just like Hyungwon’s sharp exhales brushed over his cheek, leaving a warm trace, similar to a very gentle touch.

_It’s what living feels like, isn’t it?_


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because you need yourself to change first.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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The dam had broken.

It wasn’t the first time it gave in. The firm wooden planks that had been holding his memories back had already suffered numerous hits, allowing memories to drip past them like thin streams of water, entering the empty space beyond the dam. The change was there, but it hadn’t been as grave, as sudden as encountering his past, face to face. Hyungwon had met a person from his previous life, was reminded of his misery and the thoughts he had attempted to run away from. It was the last step, the wrecking ball that turned the wooden planks into splinters.

It wasn’t complete yet, he could tell with the small, irrelevant memories that still trickled into his mind as the seconds passed, as Hoseok spoke to him and attempted to remain calm. Hyungwon knew the older man’s facial expressions, he could recognize when something was different, even if he didn’t know the reason for it. Talking about the day he hurt his palm brought genuine pain to Hoseok’s facial features, hands shaking a little and voice scaring him. The way the older man looked at him, terrorized by the memory and the possibility he could hurt himself again, made him realize what effect his behavior could have on another person.

It was him, his skin and his pain, but the way Hoseok reacted to it seemed so much worse than the relief he might have felt on his own.

_It’s not worth it._

The new pair of glasses felt unfamiliar on his round nose, mostly because they weren’t his old, big and heavy ones, taking up most of the space on his face. The black-haired man kept saying that he looked attractive in his new glasses, but it felt like it was easier for Won, his thought up self, to believe the words than for him. Hyungwon.

He still had the memories, the thoughts, the curiosity and the desires to touch the older man, to help him, to hold him. It was all still there just like the mirror image he had seen before, but it didn’t fit with his current memories. With the idea of big glasses on his nose, dry lips and a messy fringe.

His thoughts kept returning to his appearance, to the way he moved, to the new memories that were occupying his mind, filling out the empty space like cups in a cupboard.

_You put them back without breaking them this time._

Hyungwon still couldn’t believe that he had been different, neither dead nor alive for the past month. He didn’t even know how much time passed, only that he couldn’t believe it happened. Blood was rushing through his veins, warming him up and his heart was beating loudly in his chest, shaking his ribcage. He was himself, but what had he been before?

_An escape, you tried to escape by getting rid of everything that makes you miserable._

Was it real? Had everything really happened? The feelings, the new thoughts, experiences, the way the black-haired man held his hand, embraced him through the night, shared personal concerns with him and helped him to solve his own. Had they travelled together, laughing and kissing while rolling in the sand? It felt surreal, like something that would have happened to somebody else, not him.

The air was pressed out of his lungs when the older man suddenly leaned against a tree and embraced him, arms wrapped tightly around his waist. Hoseok’s low voice whispered into his ear, telling him he felt because of him, because of Hyungwon

_It has to be real, there are so many memories and emotions that you didn’t have before._

His heartbeat picked up, hammering in his chest as it had every single time Hoseok embraced him, held his hand or kissed his lips, heating him up with the warmth of his body.

Swallowing, Hyungwon couldn’t resist and wrapped his slim arms around the black-haired man’s broad neck, enjoying the heat that surrounded him. He leaned in and bridged the distance, clashing their lips together and whimpering at the sensation of a hot mouth against his, the sweet scent that he still remembered and the way that Hoseok tasted, familiar and intoxicating.

“I still remember, I remember everything, it has to be real,” he whispered and only tightened his embrace, burying his face in the crook of Hoseok’s neck even though he was taller. He breathed the sweetness instead of air. “Can I stay with you, Hoseok? Please, please let me stay.”

“Whatever you want, it’s up to you, Hyungwon,” the older man murmured in between the kisses and he could feel Hoseok’s state that didn't fit to his words at all. The black-haired man was embracing him tightly, struggling to let go and trying to be as close as possible while his comment gave him the option to leave or stay.

_He doesn’t want you to leave, but he keeps forcing himself to let go if that is what you want._

“Sometimes it’s okay to be selfish.” Hyungwon brushed his bottom lip over Hoseok’s, focusing on the soft texture, how nice it felt to be close to another human, to share warmth and not think about anything that could hurt him. “I want to stay with you.”

“I want to stay with you too. I might need to work on my greed,” Hoseok commented and chuckled, before looking around and frowning at a couple who looked at them in disapproval. “But we need to integrate your previous life in the here and now. I want you to tell me about your family and about your past, how you spent your days, what you liked, maybe before you started feeling lost and devastated.” The older man was pulling his psychotherapist tricks on him, eyes attentive and watching his face intently.

“I like embracing you and not thinking because it might be the only time I don’t think about everything that sucks, so how about you do me the favour and cover my dry mouth with those gorgeous curved lips of yours?” Hyungwon replied, lips pursed in dissatisfaction. He couldn’t believe that he was being so demanding towards somebody else, somebody who was older even.

_That’s because you didn’t care about that at all a few days ago, acting as you liked and following your desires._

“Maybe we should implement a rewarding system. You tell me something that you didn’t want to share before and I’ll eat you up in return.” Hoseok grinned and wiggled his eyebrows. The older man looked so young when he did that.

Hyungwon swallowed and hated his face a little for reacting so quickly, heat rising in his cheeks and ears burning at the words. He wasn’t somebody to talk about sexual things much and now that he had all those memories of what had happened between the two of them, he couldn’t help the images in his head and the immediate embarrassment.

“I- well- that’s up to… you I guess,” he stuttered and suddenly wished the tree could swallow a human whole.

_You’re really a human now._

The thought that he was a human still felt a little unfamiliar, like it was something special that he had to value because it allowed him to coexist with the black-haired man.

“Your pretty, pink cheeks tell me that you’re intrigued. The best thing about this rewarding system is that I will keep winning.” A bright smile lifted Hoseok’s cheeks and he covered his mouth with his own curved lips, sucking on the plump bottom lip and digging his fingers into the muscles of his back. “And now let’s go back. I can’t be making out with a 19-year-old in the park next to my office, I’ll lose all my clients.”

“W-why?” Hyungwon asked, lips tingling a little and tongue licking over his mouth slowly to savour the taste a little longer. He wanted to stay close, it felt so good and freeing. He twirled a black lock of Hoseok’s hair around his index finger and pulled a little to keep the older man close. He didn’t want to separate, he could hide in the crook of Hoseok’s neck.

“Because I’m an adult and people have preconceptions. Like- ‘look he tells me to commit to a stable relationship but makes out with some college student’ or ‘he probably doesn’t have the energy to concentrate on me and my problems if he’s all happy go lucky.’ It’s not about me, it’s about my job and the people who want me for themselves. They sometimes even think I’m theirs.” The black-haired man sighed and put some distance between them.

_That’s possessive._

Hyungwon kept the thought for about five seconds until his eyes widened and he let go, fumbling with his hands until he hid them in the pocket of his jeans.

_But so are you._

_

 

The memories were there, at the back of his head, the painful and the good ones. The ones he had from the time he spent with Hoseok, cooking for the older man even though he had never cooked anything in his life before, were his current concern. He usually didn’t bother eating or just munched on snacks instead.

“I can’t believe I didn’t poison you,” he whispered as he stared at a soup he cooked two days ago. He still remembered doing it and following steps he had learned by heart, but it seemed so strange to him. He didn't remember his own phone number, how the hell had he learned several recipes so easily?

“Are you sure I made this? I can’t- I really can’t cook,” he muttered a little louder so Hoseok could hear him from the living room and brushed through his black hair.

_You’d much rather eat him if you could._

Instead of pouring the soup into the bowl he had taken out of the cupboard, he simply jumped up on the counter and covered his face with a cupboard door, inhaling a few times and trying to remember why it felt familiar.

_You did this when you were embarrassed before. Oh god._

He didn’t have enough time to jump back down as he could already see Hoseok’s naked feet under the edge of the cupboard door, entering the kitchen. Hyungwon wanted to dematerialize like he had when he wasn’t a human.

“Are you playing hide and seek with me again?” Hoseok’s voice was low and the amusement slipped in between the spoken words, supported by a chuckle.

“I- no- god,” Hyungwon muttered and wondered if knocking himself out with a cupboard door was a legitimate way to escape embarrassment. “It’s still a shitty hideout.”

“Or… do you want me to kiss you again? But you don’t need to hide, do you?” The familiar voice had a playful undertone as the black eyes appeared behind the cupboard door.

Hyungwon swallowed and stretched out his long fingers, burying them in the fabric of Hoseok’s shirt as he attempted to pull him closer and remove the cupboard door at the same time. His heart was beating furiously and goosebumps spread over his skin even though nothing was happening yet. It was so strange to feel that way, out of nowhere because of the low tone of Hoseok’s voice and his own sexual thoughts.

Stepping closer the muscular man let himself be pulled even though his body wouldn’t have moved an inch if he didn’t want it to. His warm palms landed on Hyungwon’s knees and stroked upwards along his thighs, torturously slowly as Hoseok glanced at him from under his black bangs.

“You do want me to kiss you, right? But you didn’t tell me anything valuable, isn’t it unfair?”

Hyungwon didn’t dare reply and only nodded slowly, lips sucking in oxygen like the amount that had been perfectly fine a moment ago became insufficient in a matter of seconds. He wanted Hoseok to touch him more, to have the hot hands under his clothes, even if he didn’t feel particularly attractive. His body must have changed during the transformation into his old self.

“What- what do you want to know?” he whispered and couldn’t believe that he was desperate enough to ask. He wanted the older man to want him just as much if not more, to act on his own wishes and not because he wanted to know something. His legs were trembling already with the thoughts in his head, visions of a hot tongue licking over his chest and lips placing kisses along his legs and especially his inner thighs. Hyungwon’s face was burning and he pulled Hoseok even closer, exhaling against the black-haired man’s lips roughly. He must have been so obvious while the older man was a mystery, perfectly composed and impossible to read. He missed the ability to see through him.

“Where is all your stuff? You haven’t been reborn or anything and you wore clothes, so there must’ve been things. Your belongings. Where are they?” Hoseok watched him intently, before sticking out his tongue and licking over his bottom lip playfully. His dark gaze was intense, as if there was a multitude of thoughts accompanying it Hyungwon had no ability to understand. He lacked the access to what the older man was thinking while caressing his mouth.

Hyungwon struggled to remember, to answer the question so that he would be blessed with more, more touches and more contact, more heat and more affection. He wanted to dissolve in it and feel nothing else but quickly increasing arousal. His pants felt tight and his face only burned more intensely at the realization.

“I- I’m not sure, I must have- must have left it there,” he whispered, gasping at the contact. He pulled his thighs together only to realize that he wasn’t really able to because the black-haired man had stepped in between them, contact making his body burn up even more and causing his breath to hitch. “In the forest- it- it must be in the forest. I buried it.”

“I see. We’ll go get them later. I really hope you didn’t lie about your age,” Hoseok whispered and licked into his mouth while his hands travelled from his round hips, over his waist and curled around his body before slipping under his t-shirt.

“Maybe I did and I’m- o-older,” Hyungwon forced out of his throat and moaned softly, throwing his head back and thighs pressing into Hoseok even more, encircling the older man in a tight embrace. He wanted to feel more. His hands settled in the fabric of Hoseok’s shirt and kept pulling at it while hid black hair kept getting even messier from the way it rubbed over the white surface.

“You are? Did you suddenly remember being close to someone before, why are you so daring?” Hoseok grinned and attached his lips to the crook of his neck, sucking on his skin and travelling further up, hot tongue sliding along his jugular vein. Hyungwon moaned again, wondering whether lying would give him more, more heat and more touches.

“I can’t think about anything but you when you touch me,” he replied, voice breathy as he attempted to press his groin closer towards the older man, body shaking in anticipation. His nails dug into the firm muscles of Hoseok’s back and pulled at the shirt again, collecting it in his hands by slowly pulling it upwards.

“I can’t remember the last time we were close. Was it in Bruges? I think I work too much.” The older man’s voice was a whisper next to his ear as he sucked Hyungwon’s earlobe into his mouth, playing with it and exhaling warm air against the shell of his ear. “But it is definitely a bonus that you can’t come in when I take a shower.”

_Because he touches himself._

“You are mean,” he whispered and chewed on his bottom lip, still gasping from the tender touches. They were arousing and sent constant waves and tingles downwards, making his tight jeans more and more uncomfortable. It was unfamiliar to be showing so much skin, rips covering his thighs and calves, enough to see his legs without having to imagine them. “Why- are you touching yourself when you could be touching me? I could touch you too, I- I don’t know if I’m particularly good, but isn’t it better than- than your own hand?”

_Oh just shut up already, you’re better when you don’t talk so much._

“I’m not mean! I just take care of my needs without bothering you. I’m nice, Hyungwon.” The warm hands drew along his spine, slowly sinking lower and playing with the waistband of his jeans as Hoseok’s lips caressed his neck and face. “But you’re not my sex-slave and also not there for my satisfaction, so I satisfy myself and like you with all my platonic heart instead.”

“But-” He swallowed, not sure how to reply. He didn’t want their relationship to be platonic, he had too much suppressed desire towards the older man and needed him too much, in every way possible. “I have more than platonic feelings towards you, I- I really want you to touch me. To want me as much as you did before and- I don’t know- rip my clothes off and eat me like you said. I also really liked- ah-” His face felt hot, so he tried to turn to the side, fingers scratching a little over Hoseok’s back. “You said you are different when you have sex and I want to see it. Why not with me? Don’t you-” he swallowed, “like me?”

“God, boy, why would you think that? I want to bend you over this kitchen counter and bury myself inside you, but I won’t because it’s only something for imagining. Not for doing.” Hyungwon could hear a smile in the way Hoseok spoke before the older man leaned back and pulled his shirt over his head, gorgeous, muscular body displayed for him to bask in. “But I will touch you. Do you want me to take you into my mouth? I can remember you liking it. A lot.”

“Wait- why- why isn’t it for doing?” Hyungwon asked and licked over his lips quickly at the sight of Hoseok’s naked chest. His hands were faster than his brain, stroking over the hot skin and thumbs rubbing over the erect nipples. He remembered Hoseok enjoying it. He wanted to make the older man feel good, hear the same low moans that praised him and pronounced his name desperately.

Hoseok rolled his eyes and threw his head back, desperate hiss sounding like music to his ears as the older man leaned into his touch and tugged on the seam of Hyungwon’s shirt.

“Because you have to grow a little bit, and now take of your shirt so I can taste your pretty nipples.”

_Dick._

Hyungwon felt a spark of anger and frustration at being babied because of his lack of experience and pulled the shirt over his head before scratching over the older man’s chest and wrapping his long legs around Hoseok’s hips, pressing their groins together. The touch made him gasp, but he bit down on his bottom lip and repeated the motion again, watching Hoseok intently.

“The only one who might need to grow is you, shorty,” he hissed and leaned in to close his lips around the older man’s right nipple, sucking it into his mouth.

“Wow, you’re going all out. Fine, I’m indeed shorter than you. But I don’t care. Like this I don’t need to bend over to take your dick into my mouth. It’s handy.” Something in Hyungwon’s behavior must have stimulated a different response in the older man as he moaned, but pushed him back, attaching his curved lips to his nipple before sucking harshly, one hand massaging his jeans-covered length.

Moaning loudly, he threw his head even further back, falling backwards on the counter and only remaining attached to the black-haired man because of his hands that still dug into his back and shoulders.

“Shit-” he cursed, and blinked repeatedly, thinking about how the same lips had felt around his erection or how Hoseok’s tongue had- “Oh god- my thoughts.”

“What about your thoughts? I hope they are only the nice ones.” The black-haired man opened the button of his jeans and freed his dick with a quick movement, before curling his fingers around it. “So, can I taste you a little bit? Non-platonically.”

“It’s- what I’ve been thinking about. Also- your tongue,” he replied quietly and watched his legs tremble and his abdominal muscles contract. “Inside me.”

It felt strange to look at his own body because it looked exactly the way it had before his memories returned, but the judgement was different. Now, he again thought it looked bony and too slim, but that couldn’t be true because he thought differently about it only a few hours ago, convinced that he looked gorgeous and was able to seduce the black-haired man easily as soon as he was given the opportunity.

_Your mind must be lying to you._

“Damn, I want to taste you with my tongue too. Did you like it?” Hoseok kneeled down slowly, pulling his jeans and underwear down his legs until he felt the cold surface of the counter against his naked butt.

“Y-yeah, a lot,” he whispered and observed the way the older man looked at him intently. His eyes stayed on his body longer than usual, looking at his legs and his groin before they finally returned to his face and eyes. Hoseok must have liked the way he looked, responding with his body.

Hyungwon reached out and unbuttoned the older man’s jeans too, pulling the fabric down to have access to Hoseok’s muscular thighs and his thick length. It felt hot when he wrapped his hand around it, pulsating against his fingertips. He swallowed and his mouth felt wet at the memory of strong hands pulling his hair and a low voice gasping his name, asking him for more.

_You want to do it again._

He needed approximately one second to act on his thoughts, pushing his body off the counter and taking the older man’s jeans and underwear along on his way to his knees. His right hand wrapped around the velvety skin again and he rubbed his thumb over the tip before leaning in and dipping his tongue into the slit. His eyes were focused on Hoseok’s face, anxious as to how he would respond. The older man wasn’t as aroused as he had been the last time as there wasn’t that much precum yet. Hyungwon desperately wanted to change that.

“Fuck, Hyungwon,” the older man hissed and immediately sunk his fingers into his hair, taking a fistful and pulling a little. It was more controlled than the last time. “Shit, your lips, fuck my life. You have no idea how fucking hot that looks.”

_He likes your lips._

Biting down on them to make them a little redder, Hyungwon crawled closer on his knees and let the head of Hoseok’s length rub over his bottom lip, mouth parted a little.

“Like this?” he whispered and licked over the tip again, a little ashamed but fuelled by the look on the older man’s face.

“Fucking hell,” Hoseok cursed and pulled his hair, wrapping his own fingers around his erection and sliding his thick tip over his lips, dipping it into his mouth. Hyungwon immediately opened up wide, breathing through his nose just in case and licking over the tip quickly. As soon as he had the head of the older man’s length in his mouth, he sucked, listening to the sounds and following the tugs on his hair. He liked it so much and hoped that Hoseok could tell.

“You know that you are everything I find attractive, right? But I don't want to be rough with you, Hyungwon, fuck, and at the same time I want to fuck your mouth. Damn it.” Hoseok groaned, obviously conflicted and loosened the grip on his hair.

_But you like it, you like it so much._

Hyungwon removed his lips from the thick length and shook his head quickly, worried that the older man would stop pulling his hair.

“Please,” he begged and reached for Hoseok’s hand, pressing it to his head as he sucked on the tip again, tasting a little bit of precum. He tongued the slit and looked up, meeting the older man’s black eyes. “Please- please pull it. I- really like it, please.”

“You- you do?” The grip in his hair tightened and he felt Hoseok's intense gaze on his face. Hyungwon immediately nodded and closed his lips around the tip again, sucking and whimpering at the rougher pulls. It was easier and nicer for him when Hoseok took the lead. He wasn’t too sure about what felt good and he didn’t have the black-haired man’s emotions as feedback anymore, but the strong grip made it easier, leading him through it and sending frequent waves of arousal between his legs.

“Bite me if you don't like it,” Hoseok whispered and pushed his thick length into his mouth, moaning loudly at the sensation. Hyungwon enjoyed the way the older man’s foreskin slipped over his tongue and deeper between his lips. Moaning at the sensation, he obeyed the tugs on his hair and gasped each time he could feel it twitch or sensed Hoseok’s thighs flexing under his fingertips. It was arousing and he tried to watch the black-haired man’s face throughout the process. He must have looked irresistible on his knees.

“You can ask anything you want I'll give it all, you're absolutely stunning like this.” The older man moaned and moved inside his mouth, picking up the pace with every thrust.

Hyungwon contained a smile at the words, positively surprised that Hoseok was willing to give him everything as soon as he drowned in the pleasure he was able to provide. His hands were holding onto Hoseok’s thighs and scratched a little whenever the black-haired man slid over his tongue and brushed against his throat, causing a few tears to collect in the corners of his eyes. Hyungwon wanted the older man to feel amazing, so he followed along with the pulls, covering Hoseok’s erection and sucking when he could and whimpering each time Hoseok tugged at his hair to pull him off.

“I’m close, but fuck- I don’t want it to end,” the older man groaned and pulled him off his length, tug a little painful. “I want to make you scream. Do you want me to fuck you with my tongue, Hyungwon?” Hoseok asked and stared down at him, gaze almost piecing him with the intensity it harbored.

“I want you to watch me while I show you something I like,” he replied, voice rough and hands shaking from the sudden wave of confidence that he couldn’t explain. It must have been the way Hoseok looked at him, like he would follow each word that left his lips to the moon and back. It felt empowering and Hyungwon couldn’t help the excitement that spread throughout his body at the thought.

“I’m all yours,” Hoseok murmured and finally let go of his hair, stepping back and letting himself fall on one of the kitchen chairs.

Hyungwon swallowed and stood up, knees feeling a little wobbly as he walked backwards to the kitchen counter he had sat on before. His fingers were shaking as he reached behind himself and opened one of the cupboards, pulling out a bottle of lube he had found there while cooking during the past weeks. He had never been more thankful for leaving it there despite cleaning up everything else.

His heartbeat was loud in his ears as he jumped up on the counter and pulled his left leg up, eyes focused on the ground to not get embarrassed before he was even able to do something. His hands were still shaking when he opened the cap of the bottle and poured some of the liquid into his flat palm, rubbing it between his fingers to warm it up. He had always prefered hot sensations over cold ones.

Chewing on his bottom lip until it hurt, he leaned back a little, shoulders resting against the wall and hips tilted upwards. It was revealing, as revealing as he could imagine himself being apart from lying on his stomach with his ass in the air. He blinked rapidly and circled his entrance with his middle finger, doing it exactly the way he remembered enjoying it, smooth and slow until he dipped the first digit inside himself carefully and held his breath. It felt good, just the way he recalled, even if it wasn’t the height of the sensation yet.

“I’m- not as innocent as you think,” he whispered and licked over his lips quickly. The blush was rapidly spreading to his chest. “My memories have returned and I know- know what I like.”

Hoseok was watching him throughout the whole thing, black eyes not leaving is body even for a second. He could see the older man twitch as he put his finger inside himself, how his breath got stuck in his lungs, how he forgot to exhale and chewed on his lips while watching, hands digging into the firm muscles of his thighs.

“Fuck me up, Hyungwon,” the low voice whispered.

_He likes it, so much that he can barely breathe._

Hyungwon allowed himself to moan quietly at the sight, blinking a few more times and carefully inserting his middle finger until the second knuckle. He knew what he was looking for, so he closed his eyes and focused on the sensation against his fingertip. Once he found the spot, slightly swollen and ready to be stimulated, he pressed down and moaned loudly. A shiver passed through his long legs and he failed to look up to see Hoseok’s reaction, too focused on his own pleasure. He was impatient, so he repeated the motion, moaning again and again as he slowly rubbed his index finger over the sensitive muscle, preparing it to join the other digit.

“Fuck, you’re gorgeous, show me how much you like it,” Hoseok’s low voice sounded in the distance. Hyungwon gasped at the comment, aware that the older man must have been watching him intently, reacting to the sight.

He kept his mouth open as he relaxed against the wall and pulled his left leg further up, almost holding it in the air to have a better angle. The counter was cold against his skin, but he didn’t care, especially not when he let his index finger slip inside and almost convulsed at the combined pleasure, legs shaking uncontrollably.

“Shit- I- I can barely hold myself in place,” he muttered and used his free hand to hold onto the counter, moaning loudly.

“I would offer to hold you in place but it’s definitely not what you imagine and I might just snap.” Hoseok took the chair and slipped closer watching him intently.

“Hold me in place,” Hyungwon ordered, removing his fingers from the counter edge and reaching out blindly, hoping that at some point he would reach Hoseok’s muscular chest. He didn’t pause the thrusts of his fingers, moaning each time he hit the spot and shaking on top of the counter, legs spreading wide. “Do it, Hoseok. Come here.”

“Fuck,” the low voice hissed and he heard shuffling before Hoseok’s strong hands curled around his hips, pushing him down and bending him further. “You look so tasty, irresistible.”

“Shit, eat me then, bite my thighs,” Hyungwon mumbled, throwing his head from side to side and loving the firm grip on his hips that held him in place and gave him stability. He sped up his fingers, purposefully ignoring his erection because he didn’t want it to end, vision getting blurry from pleasure. “I- I want you so much.”

“I want you too, fuck I want you too, Hyungwon.” There was the sensation of the older man’s lips, hot, just like he liked it the most, travelling over his thighs and sharp teeth that sunk into his sensitive skin when he moaned especially loudly.

“Hoseok- Hoseok, can’t you- rim me?” he asked desperately and tried to push his hips in the direction of the hot sensation, scream leaving his lips at the combination of his own fingers and slight pain on his inner thigh. It felt so good. His mind immediately showed him images of the blurry blanket and the heat when the older man fucked him with his tongue.

“Come here.” Hoseok simply took his hips and pulled them up until his entrance was right in front of the other man’s face. He didn’t tease much and simply pushed his tongue inside him, playing with it while strong hands held him in place. It felt so good that he screamed, nails digging into the older man’s forearms. He threw his legs over Hoseok’s shoulders while still attempting to spread them, desperate to feel more. It felt so fucking good.

“Please,” he whimpered and kept his lips parted to release each sound of pleasure that developed in his throat. “Please, Hoseok.”

“Fuck, I'll give you everything you want, babe,” Hoseok hissed and pulled his hips into his face, licking inside his body hungrily.

Hyungwon couldn't breathe, whimpering and begging in succession. His nails were scratching over Hoseok's forearms and he couldn't believe that the older man was burning his body like this, making him scream with the tip of his tongue.

“More, I want to know what your fingers feel like,” he moaned and grabbed a fistful of Hoseok's hair, encouraging him to combine sensations. Hyungwon felt close to fainting, barely able to catch his breath or focus on anything apart from the pleasure at his groin. “Please, Hoseok.”

“I- fine,” the older man commented and leaned back, getting the lube and covering his fingers quickly. Not even a minute passed before Hoseok pulled him down and pushed a finger inside him. How could anybody find his sensitive spot faster than he himself could? It was unexpected and breathtaking at the same time. “Is this okay?” Hoseok rubbed against his prostate and lifted one eyebrow.

“Are you- f-fucking kidding me?” Hyungwon stuttered and slapped Hoseok’s arm because he didn’t have the verbal skills to tell Hoseok that he couldn’t act all innocent and ask him if it was okay while rubbing right where it felt good and making him scream. That wasn’t how it worked. His groin was throbbing pleasantly and he tried to push his hips towards the source of the pleasure. “It feels so good, fuck.”

“I love how you contract around me, I can’t believe that you’re real,” Hoseok whispered and pushed a second finger in while leaning over his body and clashing their lips together. The older man’s hot tongue slipped into his mouth and explored him hungrily.

Hyungwon kissed back with vigor, arms wrapping around Hoseok’s neck and tongue attempting to taste as much as possible. The black-haired man was making him feel so good, dizzy and ecstatic.

“Why- why don’t you find out how I feel from… the inside then? How real I can be?” he whispered and licked over the curved lips, hips pushing back against the two digits inside of him, making him scream right into the black-haired man’s face. He didn’t even feel ashamed anymore, it didn’t matter. Hyungwon only knew that he wanted more, to bask in the feeling of arousal and physical attraction. He wanted to feel wanted, just the way he did at that moment, seeing the yearning in Hoseok’s eyes.

_He really wants you, Hyungwon, you._

***

Hoseok missed it. He missed living. There had been a reason for being so different when he was intimate with someone, when he could let go.

_It’s one of those times you feel alive._

Inhaling deeply, he watched Hyungwon’s gorgeous, pleasure stricken face and enjoyed how fucking tight the younger man’s body felt around his fingers. He was losing his mind, it was precisely what living really felt like. Namely, not being able to control the flood of emotions and collapse under the sensations and pleasure surrounding him. He wanted to have sex with Hyungwon. Hoseok wanted it so badly.

_Don’t tell him._

He might have already told the beautiful, black haired boy and it was too late anyway, so he concentrated on the boy’s pleasure.

“I could watch you for ages, you are such a turn on, oh god,” he admitted and leaned forward, sucking on one of Hyungwon’s pretty, dark nipples. The younger man had everything that he liked.

“But- why would you- just watch?” Hyungwon gasped, moaning in between and shifting on top of the counter, keeping his legs spread for Hoseok to have a good angle to slide his fingers into the heat of his body. “You could also participate, Hoseok.”

“You want me to participate? I am, but I guess it’s not good enough for you to scream instead of talking about integrative approaches in interaction.” He grinned and pulled his fingers out a tiny bit.

“What?” Hyungwon muttered, obviously neither having the resources nor the knowledge to understand what he was talking about. “No- put them back. I like it, I like it a lot, I just kept shifting, so that I don’t lose my focus and come too early. I- fuck.”

“Let me make you scream, babe,” Hoseok whispered and removed his fingers completely. “Wait a second.” Smiling, he moved towards the bedroom and got his unused black prostate vibrator that wasn’t too thick and looked elegant, just like Hyungwon. As soon as he arrived in the kitchen, he almost gasped at how fucking gorgeous the black-haired boy looked spread out over the counter, legs shaking a little and face confused. Stretching the toy out, Hoseok covered it in lube.

“Can I play with you a little bit? I want to put it inside you.”

“You- oh my god.” Hyungwon’s eyes widened a little, hazelnut brown color pretty in the artificial light of the kitchen. Lifting his right hand to his face, the handsome boy covered his eye and nose region with it and nodded, chest rising and falling rapidly. The tip of his erection looked wet, glistening in the light. He was so pretty.

_You can play a little bit. Make him scream and that’s it._

Nodding to himself, Hoseok reached for the boy’s inner thigh, stroking along it slowly, as he let the toy circle his entrance until it slipped inside easily. He pushed it further until it was resting against the spot he remembered and turned it on, sending vibrations through the younger man’s body.

Hyungwon screamed, loud and clear as his thighs contracted and he pulled them together in reflex, trapping Hoseok in between them. The boy’s right hand desperately looked for something to hold onto, scratching over the counter until long fingers found the edge and wrapped around it to hold on. Hyungwon’s left hand was used to muffle the sounds, plump lips closing around his index and middle finger as the black-haired boy whimpered, erection twitching.

There was nothing better than watching Hyungwon throw his head from left to right and desperately try to muffle his moans and screams. Sure, maybe being inside the gorgeous body was, but Hoseok wouldn’t know. Pushing the button to increase the intensity, he leaned over and started licking and sucking on the golden skin, the dark nipples, the toned stomach. After he settled between the younger man’s legs, he wrapped his fingers around the boy’s erect penis. It was a game, so he waited until Hyungwon gave him enough attention and narrowed his gaze from under his black bangs, before licking the precum from his tip with a smirk.

“Fuck,” Hyungwon whimpered around the fingers in his mouth and shook his head even though his hips thrust upwards, attempting to feel more of his hot lips.

“Why do I want to spoil you so much, huh?” he asked, but it was a rhetorical question. His lips closed around the pink tip and he sucked harshly, feeling how more precum appeared as he moved the toy a few millimeters to improve the angle.

The reply was incoherent, nothing that he could have recognized as words as Hyungwon whimpered and shook in his hold, muscles contracting repeatedly and lips producing beautiful moans and gasps, bordering on screams that echoed through the kitchen. The gorgeous boy must have been close, erection twitching repeatedly in Hoseok’s mouth and eyes squeezed shut.

A grin materialized on his face and Hyungwon might have considered it creepy, but he really liked playing and Hobi and him had done it a lot back in the day. Letting the pretty length slip out of his mouth, he moved the toy deeper again and waited until the black-haired boy was so close that he only needed to blow against the tip to make him cum.

Hyungwon whimpered loudly, sound desperate and accompanied by nails that scratched over Hoseok’s upper arms as soon as the black-haired boy was capable of reaching them.

“You- shit- you just-” the younger man attempted to speak but gave up, head lifting up and big eyes staring at him as Hyungwon breathed through an open mouth, chest rising and falling quickly. He looked gorgeous, face a bright pink color and lips shiny with saliva.

A few millimeters were enough to press the vibrator against Hyungwon’s sensitive spot and he saw the pretty erection twitch. Hoseok leaned over and blew air against the wet tip. It was perfect timing. Hyungwon screamed, sound low and his whole body contracted as the beautiful young man released himself right in front of him, release dripping down the boy’s pretty length and partially covering his lips.

_Fucking perfect._

Hoseok was excited like a kid, waiting for Hyungwon’s eyes to settle on him before he licked the release from his lips slowly. He knew the feeling, so he gave the beautiful boy a few moments to collect himself before pulling out the toy and cleaning up.

“Did you like it? Or was is ‘meh’?” Hoseok cited one of his clients who was nineteen.

Hyungwon’s eyes widened in disbelief but he seemed a little preoccupied with catching his breath, legs still shaking and fingers digging into Hoseok’s skin, probably leaving half-moon formed marks.

“Are you joking, Hoseok?” the black-haired boy asked and brushed his sweaty strands away from his forehead. His lips were almost as dark as his eyes had been when Hoseok met him for the first time.

“Well, I liked it because you’re stunning and I could watch you for hours, but the point was that you get mind-blowing pleasure, which I hope you did. You look satisfied,” he murmured and grinned, grabbing his underwear from the floor.

“I’m mind-blown,” Hyungwon replied before shaking his head in panic and jumping from the counter only to fall right on Hoseok because he had no feeling in his legs yet, yelping in surprise. “Don’t- fuck- don’t get dressed yet, no.”

The reaction had been the most dramatic one he had ever seen, but oh well, people were different.

“Why? You said you’re mind blown which means you probably won’t ask me to fuck you or tempt me otherwise, so I’m safe.” Again a smile appeared on his face and he curled his arms around Hyungwon. He was gorgeous, beautiful golden skin on display, and black hair covering his forehead messily. He was so handsome, Won was. Hyungwon was.

“You sound like me wanting to sleep with you is something terrible. I don’t understand,” the pretty boy muttered and wrapped his long arms around his neck, right leg following up in an attempt to curl around his hips. “Usually I would think it is because you don’t consider me attractive or because there is something about me that disgusts you, but you look like it’s the opposite. So... why?”

“I told you. Because I’m rather experienced and I don’t want to do anything that you don’t want or don’t understand, but it’s hard for me to control when I like you so much and react so strongly. Plus- it’s something that can change what we have right now and I don’t know if you want it. Sex means making yourself vulnerable, so I’m unsure whether you’re ready for that.” It was the truth and no matter how attractive he considered the black-haired man, the facts still applied.

“But I thought I’m your boyfriend, am I not? This sounds more like I am a charity case and you are applying your fancy treatment methods to be honest. I am not with you to get healthy or whatever, Hoseok. I am with you because I like you, so fucking much that I can’t imagine being without you.” Hyungwon looked sad somehow, eyes narrowing a little as the black-haired boy turned away and hid his face in the crook of Hoseok’s neck. “I understand what we are doing, I’m not stupid and no child.”

“But if you’re not a child, then tell me how me caring about you makes you a charity case. If someone is a charity case then it’s me. I’m apparently charity case enough for a person who wanted to die to come to me because I’m so unhappy and have no hope. Come on. You are my boyfriend, but you just got your memories back, I can’t go batshit crazy on you and fuck you into the mattress only because I think you’re fucking attractive and you want it for some reason I don’t understand. Don’t you- I don’t know- want to wait a little until you know who you are and what you want before jumping face first into something that appears like candy? Sex is more, okay? Sex is more than just a mechanical something, it connects and it can break, it is intimate and you have to be stable to be able to fall, Won.” Sighing, he curled his arms tighter. Hoseok didn’t talk like a psychotherapist at all. He spoke like himself, a person who was in love with a nineteen-year-old guardian angel, a hint of blackness, a will to live, a human who had suffered a lot.

Hyungwon didn’t reply at first, but the embrace got tighter and he could feel the boy’s lips tremble against the skin of his neck.

“Your words hurt,” he began quietly and Hoseok could hear him swallow. “I feel like a charity case because you seem convinced that I am not able to make decisions for myself. You say that you don’t consider me a child but you take away my ability to decide for myself and know what I want and need. It’s not about you going ‘batshit crazy’ on me. It’s about me feeling like I am genuinely close to somebody for the first time, somebody who seems like he understands me and somebody who has shared personal pain with me too. I feel close to you, Hoseok, closer than I have ever been to anybody and you make me want to melt into you, to connect. I couldn’t formulate reasons for what I want and feel before my memories returned, I just did it, but- that’s not the case anymore, Hoseok. I know what I’m feeling.”

_You underestimated him._

There was no way for him to argue against the words the black-haired boy spoke into the crook of his neck, so he leaned back and cupped his beautiful face with both palms.

“I’m sorry. To be honest I- I’m scared. It’s probably not about you, but about me. I’m sorry for acting as if you’re the reason. You’re not.” He sighed and leaned forward, placing a soft kiss on the boy’s red lips. “I like you too much, so I can’t act as if it’s nothing. It reminds me of how my previous experiences went and I get scared. Just give me some time, okay?”

Long fingers settled in the strands of his hair carefully and stroked over his head as Hyungwon lifted his face from his shoulder and looked at him. His eyes were wet, but he nodded and smiled a little.

“I’m sorry for bringing those memories back. Just tell me when you are scared, after all I also share with you, don’t I? I’m also scared of a lot of things,” he whispered and placed a kiss on his cheek, plump lips like a soft pillow.

“Can I be really honest with you?” he asked, holding the younger man as close as possible and contemplating whether it was a good idea, but it seemed okay. Hyungwon had also been honest with him most of the time.

A brief nod answered his question while fingers continued to rake through his hair carefully, massaging his scalp.

“If I talk like this to you… mentioning stability and whatnot, it feels more as if you could also be a patient, so if you decide to leave me later, my brain knows that it was supposed to happen. But if you- like now- get the emotion out of me, I can’t. I can’t act as if you’re a patient, because I know that I’m actually in love with you and fucking scared of what will happen.” Closing his eyes, he let out a shaky breath and chewed on his lips.

“But, Hoseok,” Hyungwon whispered and cupped his face in his big palms, lifting it so that he could feel the boy’s exhales against his lips. “I’m in love with you too. I- I cannot be your patient, we’re too close for that. You aren’t my therapist, you are the person I love, my pillar in life, and so much more than that.”

“Well, then it’s too late, I guess.” Exhaling sharply, he couldn’t handle Hyungwon’s gaze and buried his face in the crook of the boy’s neck.

It was the first time that he felt vulnerable like this.

“Thank you,” Hyungwon murmured into his ear, breaths hot against his skin and warm fingers continuously stroking over his hair and nape. “Thank you for opening up to me, Hoseok. We’ll just take care of each other, I promise.”

“I guess I have to learn it again.” He wasn’t sure if he could let himself fall like this again, but he loved the beautiful, black-haired boy and there wasn’t much he could do to change it.

_

 

It was the first time that he didn't have access to his inner thoughts, the processes that kept running behind the permeable wall of his consciousness. He was scared. His anxiety kicked in and he finally understood why he had been trying to stay away from Hyungwon sexually. It was too much. The younger man was already too close, taking his emotions and squeezing them with every word and the smallest twitch of his eyebrow. He was too powerful, at least when it came to him.

_Why did you let him come so close?_

Because he didn’t notice how the boy infiltrated his life, how he came and embraced Hoseok without knowing anything about him, besides his pain.

_How did he know?_

Hoseok still couldn’t understand how Hyungwon decided that it was him. The younger man must’ve seen him somewhere, but he was sure that they had never met. His whole situation felt strange, as if he lived in a parallel world.

Hyungwon was sleeping next to him and he was wide awake, staring at the ceiling and unable to sink into the familiar blackness he liked so much. Something happened that their roles switched, he was the one who didn’t sleep now. The one who was thinking and the one who didn’t feel human.

His previous memories with Hobi stayed, they were present. Every time Hyungwon kissed him, touched him, told him that he’s in love with him. It appeared in front of his inner eye, making him alert, anxious and sure that it would happen again. The loss. All over again.

_Because he also told you that he loved you, that he couldn’t breathe without you, but there he is, breathing just fine._

His next session with his ex-boyfriend was tomorrow and it was the last one. At least he wouldn’t have to see the familiar face almost every day and get reminded of what happened. He had been living in blissful ignorance, even though his apartment still provided images he wished he didn’t see. Hyungwon sitting on the counter had been one of those. Hoseok hadn’t noticed at first, but it was clear as soon as the younger man had released himself and he stepped back. It was the same situation. Almost the same. Apart from their conversation afterwards.

_How are you supposed to forget when you feel like the person you were two years ago._

Hoseok hadn’t changed and that was the main problem. But was he even able to change? He didn’t know. He still lived in the apartment he had bought when he started working, he still wore the same style of clothes, he still spent ninety percent of his time working and he still smoked after a hard day. Hyungwon wasn’t a walking miracle that was able to suddenly change everything about Hoseok including his personality.

_Because you need yourself to change first._

Hoseok knew. He did, but it was hard. What was it that he needed to change? Wasn’t Hyungwon’s anxiety similar to his? What if he changed and the black-haired boy didn’t like him anymore? It was stupid and embarrassing, but his feelings were like this. What was the first step? Work less? But what would he do with all the time he suddenly had? What about Hyungwon? Was he supposed to spend it with the younger man? Or was it better to invest it to work on himself. Should he start meditating?

_Move out._

That was it. Hoseok jumped out of the bed and ran to his laptop, pulling it out of the bag and turning it on. After a few minutes he was already searching for apartments in Brussels.

_You can do it. You can change the surroundings first._


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’m so sorry. You must’ve been in so much pain."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 31st of May at 2 PM CET.
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His eyes were wide open and constantly switched to the bedroom door and back, checking whether the door handle moved or if there was a sound of steps in the hallway. Hyungwon had to be careful.

Bright rays of sunlight were surging through the big windows and covered the whole room in yellow. It looked pretty and told him that he must have slept for hours, long enough for Hoseok to be up and awake and roaming around the apartment. It must have been the first time that the black-haired man was awake before him.

_Because you haven’t slept before._

He hadn’t missed the sensation of being more tired than when he went to bed, limbs heavy and desire to just roll up under the blanket and never move a single centimeter almost crippling. Still, Hyungwon had forced himself to lift off the white sheets and reach for the nightstand, eyes fixed on the door. His fingers carefully wrapped around the older man’s mobile phone without making a sound, lifting it in the air and unlocking the pattern. He had seen it often enough to know it by heart.

Hyungwon had no problems with his conscience. After all he wasn’t interested in Hoseok’s personal data or messages, there wasn’t much that he didn’t know about and nothing that he couldn’t have asked him about. It was rather about himself, his own life and the bits of it that had returned over the past twenty-four hours. His fingers were shaking when he opened his social media services and it felt like a weight was lifted from his chest when he saw that all of them were still locked. It meant that nobody had looked for him, worried about his disappearance for a few months or was concerned about his well being.

_Why would they, nobody bothered before either._

The thought evoked a bitter sensation on his tongue, resembling an unripe sharon fruit that dried out his mouth. He tried to swallow it and barely realized how tightly he was holding onto the device, fingers a deadly white. Familiar dread slipped past his skin and into the spaces of his ribs, filling out his chest like a dirty bucket, created to suck up all the pitch that his thoughts produced.

_It’s the same darkness that Hoseok takes away from others and bears himself. Why can’t you fucking bear it?_

Suddenly the phone showed a green background, Hobi’s name appeared on the display and the device vibrated in his hand. The sudden spark of anger was immediate as it replaced the fear while Hyungwon wondered why the hell the other man would call Hoseok. They met during sessions and not outside of them, there was no need to talk over the phone.

Chewing on his plump lips, he accepted the call and pressed the device to his ear. He wanted to say hello, but couldn’t get himself to do it, adrenaline pumping through his veins.

“Bunny! I have to cancel our session today because of amazing news! I'm moving in with him and we're even adopting a puppy! I think I'm finally able to have a relationship with an intensity I've never experienced before. I told you! I told you he's like this, he can make me do anything. You're definitely invited when I get married,” the other man's cheerful voice exclaimed into the phone.

_Bunny? Is that where he has the nickname from?_

“I'm- I'm not Hoseok,” he muttered quietly and lifted his body from the sheets, steps careful as he made his way towards the door. He didn't want Hoseok to talk to Hobi, something told him that the older man would be hurt by the words.

_Because he would know that it wasn't about settling down, but about him._

It was silent on the other end of the line before the other man chuckled quietly.

"Ah, you're the high school kid he's dating, right? The one who cursed at me. Must be nice to have an experienced lover for once. Hoseok is really skilled, but he's more than that."

“I'm not a high schooler and I know that. I'm not with him for the- sex.” Hyungwon forced the word over his lips to not seem like a child as he opened the bedroom door and entered the hallway.

The low voice on the other end of the line stayed silent before humming in a mocking way.

"You're not? What are you there for then? Love? Don't make me laugh, Hoseok needs someone who will stay with him, someone who is able to feel what he needs and someone who can take care of him when he's stressed. I doubt that you know your own shit, how will you take care of someone else? But well, Bunny always liked people who need help. It was the same with me back then. Enjoy it until you get bored. I told him that he'll get hurt. I have to go now, my boyfriend is asking me for my opinion on carpets. Just tell Hoseok that I'm not coming because of the best news. Bye." Hobi hung up.

Hyungwon's fingers were shaking, causing him to almost drop the phone he was holding, carefully keeping it pressed to his ear. A quick beep announced the end of the call, followed by silence that didn't fit the storm in Hyungwon's mind. The conclusions were clear and hurtful. Hobi was of the opinion that he was a waste of time, somebody who was going to end up hurting Hoseok and who was only deserving of love because he needed help.

_Because helping others is his weakness and you are using it._

His eyes burned and he felt liquid slowly travelling down his cheek, leaving a burning trail as he placed one foot in front of the next, rubbing over the wooden floors. They brought him to the living room, windows open and letting in a cool breeze.

Hyungwon's vision was blurry and he tried to stop his lungs from breathing, holding the air, but it wasn't like before. A painful burn forced him to inhale again, but it resembled a whimper, desperate and disgusting as it left his throat. He could see Hoseok, a blurry figure that sat cross-legged on the ground with a laptop, clicking with his mouse and turning towards him slowly.

Hyungwon couldn't tell the expression on the older man's face, it was all vague. Everything was, apart from the anguish. He wanted it to stop, the burning and the pain in his chest to stop and disappear. He had believed it to be gone, but it had been sleeping, just like his memories.

_It always comes back._

The phone dropped to the ground with a loud thud, followed by a teardrop that ran down his chin and hit the floor.

Hyungwon didn't move and just hoped that his body would freeze over again, stop feeling anything and turn into a meaningless existence. One that couldn't be hurt.

The silence was disturbed by a loud noise before he was pulled into a tight embrace, burning warmth enveloping him as Hoseok littered his face with kisses.

“What happened? Tell me, we will take care of this, I promise!” The older man’s words were gentle, like a soft touch of lips against his cheek, careful not to hurt him. “Hyungwon, Won, don’t cry, please.”

_Here you are, making him help you because of your tears._

Hyungwon tried to speak, but wasn't able to, not with the thick drops that rolled down his face and the whimpers that disturbed his breathing. Hoseok's arms were tightly wrapped around his body, immobilizing him, so he just let go of his muscle tension, allowing the older man to hold him.

"He- he called," he forced out and swallowed, salty liquid drying out his throat.

“Who? Who called? Did someone say something mean to you? Who was it?” Hoseok leaned back and reached for his face, wiping away the tears from his cheeks carefully. He looked worried and hurt.

Hyungwon didn't want to be a person like that, somebody who told on other people to be protected. But what was he supposed to say when Hoseok asked him straight out? Big, black eyes wet and emotional.

"I'm sorry, it's- its my fault. I shouldn't have picked up- picked up your phone. It's rude and- fuck, I'm sorry."

The silence spread gradually as Hoseok seemed in thought before his eyes widened and narrowed in succession.

“Was it Hobi? What did he tell you?”

_You have to tell him, Hyungwon, he asked._

Swallowing, he nodded in confirmation as another wave of tears rolled down his cheeks, accompanied by loud sobs he couldn't suppress.

"He- he said I'm not the right person for you, I'm not what you need and I will only hurt you because you are only with me because I need help and- fuck, I'm so sorry," he forced out and bit down on his bottom lip to stop whimpering.

“Ah- I’m so sorry, he can be so fucking mean sometimes. The most important thing is that it’s not true, Hyungwon. I thought I was only here to help you because I don’t think that I can give you anything else, that I’m not worth anything if I don’t help you. It’s not because of you, it’s because of me, I don’t know how I can be good enough for you. I just know that I have to change, but it’s so hard and I thought I should move out first. I was searching for apartments just now. There are still a lot of memories here, with Hobi, and I don’t want to have them, so I want to change my surroundings. The ridiculous thing is that I am the one that needs help, that’s why you came to me, didn’t you? So I’m trying to help myself, so that you have a person you can lean on. I’m sorry that he said that. It’s not true. It’s not true at all.” Hoseok gathered him in his arms and touched his lips carefully, kiss light like a transparent cloud dissolving as soon as it touched the surface of his mouth.

_He thinks that it's his fault?_

Hyungwon struggled to understand how that could be possible, how the strong and empathetic older man could consider himself unworthy to be with him. It didn't make any sense at all.

_But the memories do._

That, he could understand, the desire to escape them and get rid of them, to leave an apartment that harboured thoughts he didn't want to have anymore.

Sniffing a few times, he pulled his arms out of Hoseok's embrace and wrapped them around the older man's neck, shaking his head.

"Can't we- can't we help each other? Why do you need to help yourself?" he whispered and placed a kiss on the familiar, curved lips.

Hyungwon hadn't told Hoseok, but the wish to help the older man hadn't been the reason for coming to him.

“We can. You have to tell me more about yourself, what you like and what you need. What was your life like before? Do you like spending time alone? Do you need a separate room? And we need to go to the forest to get your belongings.” Hoseok smiled cheerfully and placed kisses along the wet trails that his tears had left on his cheeks.

"I-" Hyungwon felt a little overwhelmed by the onslaught of questions, poking at his memories to find the right reply. "I had a small room in a house for young people, I lived there after my brother moved out and I left too. I- like being alone, but not that much, it drives me crazy because of my thoughts," he replied eventually and licked over his lips. They still tasted salty.

“Ah, a dorm? Well, we will be all busy because I’m going to throw everything away and buy new furniture. We can pick it out together. Also you will need new stuff if you still plan on studying, a laptop and a space where you can study in peace. But first, we really need to go and get your ID at least. Otherwise it’s all semi-legal. Get dressed. We can go after I’m finished with Hobi. I can also scold him for being mean to you. People shouldn’t be like that. He should know better.” The older man shook his head in disappointment and loosened his embrace, looking around to find a shirt to wear.

_You have to tell him._

"He- he wanted me to tell you that he won't come today. He's- moving in with his boyfriend." Hyungwon felt bad about being the carrier of the news and swallowed. He also felt scared about studying. He wasn't accepted anywhere, so how was he supposed to do that? He was already grateful that his dorm didn't ask for a confirmation of matriculation.

“He… what?” Hoseok’s face fell and he looked confused and sad at the same time, eyes big and curved lips pressed together.

_You were right, he's devastated, devastated because he thinks that he wasn't good enough to be with._

"It has nothing to do with you, Hoseok, nothing at all. You've told somebody the exact same words before and deep inside you know that they are true, right? It's not only about him, he's not the only one who was dissatisfied in the relationship, you were also dissatisfied with him and that's why everything fell apart. It- it wasn't meant to be." Hyungwon felt like a child with a broken toy that attempted to console somebody with a family loss. He had no idea how to do it, he only knew that it wasn't Hoseok's fault. The two of them hadn't worked out and Hobi was shameless, using him, his empathy and his desire to help for his own benefit.

He wrapped his arms tightly around Hoseok and used his height to bury the black-haired man's face in the crook of his neck, long fingers stroking through his hair. He felt a little jealous of the way Hoseok still got hurt because of remaining affection towards the man that repeatedly stepped on his feelings.

"I love you, I really do," he whispered and continued to brush through Hoseok's hair. "He's only hurting you and doesn't care, that's what makes him the wrong person for you, Hoseok."

“I’ll be fine. Let’s get your things,” the older man murmured and leaned back, looking to the side. He was hurt, it was clear from his facial expressions and from the way Hoseok tried to put distance between them. As if his pain was contagious.

"Would you like to be alone? To think? I can take a walk," he replied quietly and realized that he was still only wearing his underwear. It was embarrassing, especially while crying. He wanted to close the distance again and attach himself to Hoseok, but he didn't know whether it was okay.

_Talk, you have a mouth._

"What makes you feel better when you are sad, Hoseok? I'm somebody who needs to be close and embrace. What is it for you?"

“I-” the older man attempted to say something but stopped in the middle, closing his eyes for a few seconds and wrapping his muscular arms around his own waist. “I don’t know, Hyungwon. I always dealt with problems by myself because the people who happen to be next to me while I exist have no inclination and no energy to help me solve them. I usually stay alone to not bother anyone. I don’t know what makes me feel better. I can’t remember. Maybe it’s time, but on the other hand, time doesn’t heal every wound, does it?” Sighing, Hoseok opened his eyes again.

_He forces himself to be alone._

Hyungwon didn't hesitate before stepping closer and taking Hoseok's hands away to wrap them around his waist instead. He hugged the older man's neck and pulled him flush against his chest, lips placing stray kisses on the top of his head.

"Then you won't have to do it alone anymore, I'll help you," he whispered and stroked over Hoseok's back, fingertips tracing the lines of his shoulders. "Let me take care of you."

“But what about you? I continuously remember you telling me that you’re only here to help me, but I don’t want that, I- fuck, I just want to stop thinking that you consider me a charity case.” Hoseok bit down on his bottom lip and he could feel a shiver that passed through the older man’s body.

"And again we feel the same," Hyungwon replied and smiled a little. It was a relief to hear the same words he kept telling himself in his head from the older man's lips. It meant he wasn't the only one. "When I woke up this morning, I grabbed your phone to look at my social media, to see whether my accounts were still locked or somebody looked for me. Nobody did, so it reminded me of the reason I wanted to disappear in the first place. Hobi made it worse, saying that you only care because I need help. Even if it’s true, isn't that what being together is about? You help me and I help you, but that's not the reason we are together." His voice trembled towards the end, revealing how emotional he suddenly was, fingers shaking on their path towards Hoseok's nape.

“I want this to work. I want to give you the things you miss and I want to be able to take the help that you offer me, but it’s so hard for me. I’m sorry for acting like this. I’m probably as experienced in accepting care as you are in having sex.” A low chuckle sounded in between the quiet breaths that left the older man’s lips as he smiled a little.

"Wow, a diss, thank you," he replied with a laugh and squished Hoseok with as much strength as he could muster. "I'll teach you, if you teach me too."

“Is this your teacher-student kink coming out?” Laughing, Hoseok pulled his lower body against his and smirked. “Yes. Let’s do it, but first let’s get your ID. I want this to be official.”

"Admit it, you only want to check my birth year to stop feeling like a pedophile." Hyungwon giggled after gasping at the sudden touch, excitement bubbling in his stomach in a matter of seconds. "But fine, show me a map and I'll tell you were it is."

_The place probably still looks the same, with everything that you have done there._

“What is this? A treasure hunt? It better be something exciting. Also I’m not a pedophille. Those people are ill and need a lot of help.” Hoseok sighed, probably remembering something.

“Oh god, did you have to treat somebody like that before?” Hyungwon asked with wide eyes and felt a little uncomfortable for joking about it. “I’m sorry, I probably shouldn’t have said that. I don’t know too much about it because I never really was in contact with older men. Oh god, now this sounds even worse. You- know what I mean.”

“Uhm. Yeah. You can’t really heal it, so the only thing you can do as a therapist is to try teaching them to suppress the paraphilia-related behaviors. So that they don’t do anything, you know?” Hoseok collected his phone from the ground and opened google maps, handing him the device right after.

Hyungwon nodded slowly, a little weirded out by the topic. It reminded him of a classmate that was really into watching loli porn and the thought made him swallow in discomfort.

“Yeah, that sounds terrible to be honest, especially if you can’t help it,” he whispered and rubbed his finger over the display to find the small forest that he had picked back then, far enough from every place that he usually visited because he had hoped that-

_Don’t think about it._

“Here,” he murmured and handed Hoseok the phone after placing a pin.

He still couldn’t believe that he was going back.

***

The changes had started without him noticing. He explained, he shared his feelings, his anxiety and the way he thought with the black-haired man who appeared so much older in how he embraced him and offered to take care of him. Maybe it was okay to be cared for? Maybe it had been the reason for his misery and the lack of hope he felt.

Stepping out of the car, he glanced in the direction of the beautiful human next to him. Hyungwon was fast asleep, chest rising and falling regularly and long lashes throwing tiny shadows on his cheeks. Hoseok was overwhelmed by the sight and didn’t want to disturb it, but they had to go.

He walked around the car and opened the door, crouching down and watching Hyungwon sleep. Reaching out, he let the black hair slip through his fingers, enjoying the way it felt. Hoseok tilted his head and came closer, watching the pretty mole in the middle of Hyungwon’s bottom lip. His index finger moved automatically, stroking over it.

The pretty boy shifted on the car seat and pouted his lips before parting them and opening his eyes. Hyungwon blinked a few times until his big orbs focused on Hoseok’s face. A smile danced around the corners of his plump mouth.

“Hello,” the young man whispered.

“Hi,” he whispered back, pulling his hand away. “Did you sleep well?”

"Yeah, I dreamt that I turned into a cat this time and rolled up on your chest while you slept," the pretty boy replied and smiled a little. Hyungwon's hands reached for his collar and pulled him close enough to kiss his lips.

“I’m not into cats, I’m sorry. I’m kinda happy with your form right now,” Hoseok commented and licked into the younger man’s mouth, exhaling sharply and propping up against the leather, thereby pressing Hyungwon into the seat.

"Me too," the boy whispered against his mouth before kissing back, whimpering softly at the contact. Hyungwon melted into his touch like he needed nothing else.

“I don’t think being next to you is good for my motivation. I just want to press you into the seat and taste you, instead of doing anything else.” He was losing his mind in a matter of seconds, melting into the feeling of Hyungwon’s plump, warm lips against his own.

"Me- me too," Hyungwon gasped, face hot as fingers pulled at his collar to have him even closer. The grip was strong enough to force him to lift his knee to the car seat. "I like this more."

“Are you sure that you gave me the right address? There’s no-one here. There’s nothing to stop me from kissing you senseless.” Chuckling, he propped one arm against the backrest and leaned in, sinking his teeth into the crook of Hyungwon’s neck while his left hand fumbled with the electronic switch, making the seat roll back to give him more space.

"H-huh?" Hyungwon gasped and shifted on the car seat again, pulling him along on top of him. He moaned as soon as Hoseok's weight pressed him down, sound loud and clear in the car. The boy's fingers kept tugging at the fabric of his shirt and nails scratched his chest. Hyungwon was gorgeous.

“I see. Is it like the time when you put the lube into my suitcase when we went to Bruges? But fuck, I’d be lying if I say that I don’t love you for this.” Hoseok grinned and found the Switch again to recline the seat further, pressing it furiously. It got more comfortable and he let his lips travel along Hyungwon’s neck. Damn, the younger man was delicious and the car wasn’t the best place to get aroused, but there was no way he could ignore the gorgeous beauty under him.

_It’s okay, isn’t it? He responds to you too. He wants you too, Hoseok._

"Then love me more," the gorgeous boy whispered and threw his head back, showing more of his long, golden neck. The big brown eyes fluttered shut and Hyungwon lifted his right leg, rubbing his calf in between his thighs.

Hoseok hummed and took the boy’s hands, pinning them over his head and biting into the warm skin while his hips sank down and rolled into Hyungwon's in a smooth movement. The friction sent a shiver down his spine and he heard his blood rushing in his ears.

"Oh god," Hyungwon gasped and moaned loudly, trembling in his arms and sucking oxygen into his lungs. "I can't believe you are making me feel this way in a matter of seconds."

“I can't believe you're making me behave like this in a matter of seconds,” he hissed back, enjoying how Hyungwon moved under him. “Your low moans make me go insane, fuck.”

"I don't even know where the fuck we are," the black-haired boy whimpered and pulled his hair, bridging the distance between them while rubbing over his groin in a smooth motion.

"The place where you dropped the pin. But let me change the topic, do you like the idea of me sucking you off while holding your hands?" Hoseok licked over his lips and tightened his grip, hips stimulating them both by continuously rubbing their groins together.

A loud moan passed the boy's plump lips as his eyes widened, staring at him in shock. A few seconds passed during which the boy's brown orbs fluttered shut. Genuine surprise painted his face at Hoseok’s words regarding their location that quickly transitioned into arousal and black eyes. Hoseok could feel Hyungwon's erection twitch against his body.

“You do? Amazing!” Hoseok let go and leaned back, unbuttoning Hyungwon's jeans and freeing his hard dick. It took him only a moment to crawl back and take the younger man into his mouth, sucking harshly and pinning his slim wrists against the backrest of the passenger's seat.

The gorgeous boy screamed at the touch, tugging at his grip, but not enough to indicate that he wanted to be let go. It seemed like Hyungwon enjoyed the way it felt, muscles contracting and fingers curling up.

He felt motivated by how receptive Hyungwon was, legs trembling and attempting to wrap around his head to have him closer. Shit, he loved it so much. Increasing his efforts, he played with the younger man’s balls and let his tip hit the back of his throat, moaning around it. He wanted Hyungwon to come down his throat, to moan in his attractive low voice and turn him on even more.

The gasps only got louder and Hyungwon’s words became more and more delirious, resembling a mantra of his name and curses instead of anything coherent. Hoseok loved the way the younger man thrashed around on the seat from pleasure and how he spread his legs wider only to pull them together at a particularly well-timed suck. Goosebumps covered Hyungwon’s legs from the cool breeze that entered through the open car door and he kept thrusting into his mouth.

The black-haired boy didn’t have much endurance, especially not right after waking up and rubbed his hands over the car seat before screaming loudly and releasing himself down his throat, breaths rough and thighs trembling around Hoseok’s head.

“Fuck- Hoseok, you-” Hyungwon muttered, but gave up. His eyes were wide as they stared at him, chest rising and falling rapidly. “Fuck my mouth, but keep the grip.”

_You’ll forget everything, but you can’t. You have stuff to do._

Damn it. He was so gone.

Completely overwhelmed by how stunning the younger man looked, Hoseok shook his head and sucked up. Pulling Hyungwon’s underwear up, he closed the button of his jeans and smiled in satisfaction.

“Okay, and now that you have nice, new memories about this forest, let’s get your stuff,” he exclaimed cheerfully and pulled at the slim wrist.

“But, you- what?” Hyungwon blinked a few times, obviously confused and stumbled a little as soon as he was out of the car and on his own two feet. “Why not? Ah- I’m sorry, I promised to wait and not pressure you. Let’s-” Looking around, the black-haired man’s facial expressions changed completely, color leaving like Hoseok hadn’t just sucked him off, but rather like Hyungwon had been ill for three weeks and stepped outside for the first time. His face looked pale and his hands shook a little. “We’re here,” he whispered and swallowed.

_It must’ve been so devastating._

“Where? Here?” He pointed at the spot Hyungwon was staring at and turned to him, smiling and opening his arms. “Come here and let me kiss you once to celebrate that you’re alive.”

The black-haired boy didn’t react at first, turning slowly before he almost mechanically walked into his embrace, squeezing his waist tightly.

“It feels scary to be here because I remember everything,” he whispered and rubbed his face over Hoseok’s shirt. “I remember what I thought, but I also remember being Won and waking up, hiding my belongings to become somebody else. It’s so- strange.”

“Mhm, I guess it’s because now you’re neither, but a new human that integrated both parts. I’m still so fucking thankful that it all happened, because otherwise I would’ve never met you and stayed in my office, looking out of the window and sucking color out of cigarette smoke, imagining that it gives me back the resources I spent. Now I’m here, with you, and you’re so young and beautiful and intriguing, so smart and funny, it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Thank you so much, Hyungwon, for staying alive.” His voice started off well, but turned into a whisper the longer he spoke.

“You haven’t smoked for ages,” Hyungwon whispered and looked up slowly, there was a smile on his face. “I’m also glad I met you back then, even if it was the point at which I changed my mind.”

“You changed your mind? About what? Helping me? You still run around and help me, I think you’re lying,” he commented and chuckled, pulling Hyungwon closer and wrapping his arms tighter around the younger man’s slim waist. He was still half hard, it was unfortunate.

“Oh,” Hyungwon muttered and coughed awkwardly, ignoring both, his question and his boner. The younger man hid his face in his shoulder for a few moments before letting go and pointing at a few trees. “We have to go there, it’s a little off the path because- well- I didn’t want anybody to find me. Ever.”

“I’m so sorry. You must’ve been in so much pain,” Hoseok whispered and followed quietly, holding onto the boy’s warm hand.

“I guess, I prefer not to think about it too much.” Hyungwon’s steps were careful, big eyes focused on the small sticks and stones under their shoes and roots that made their path uneven. It wasn’t really a path either, rather a random bit of forest that the black-haired man had chosen for himself. They passed several trees until they reached a narrow opening surrounded by thin birches.

“You… don’t have to worry,” the younger man muttered and kicked a small stick to the side before he sank to his knees and began to remove layers of earth from the spot in the middle, “I have hidden everything that might have made me or you uncomfortable. You won’t even know what I did, I was careful.”

“You don’t want to share? I worry if I know that there is something that you keep hidden from me. I mean- I don’t want to appear invasive, but I am.” He sounded dumb, but he was worried that the younger man might have had thoughts Hoseok had no access to. It was uncomfortable and scared him.

“I just wanted to spare you the details of how I tried to disappear,” Won muttered quietly and continued removing layers of soil, fingers becoming black from mud. He was concentrated on the task, crouching on the ground and not moving apart from the constant digging motions.

“The most important thing is that you decided that you want to live. At least for me it is the most important.” Hoseok crouched down and looked at the black-haired man. “Do you need help?”

“Nah, almost done.” A small smile appeared on the pretty face as Hyungwon lifted a white plastic bag into the air, filled with various objects and covered in dirt. Rubbing his dirty hands over the bag pointlessly, the younger man untied the knot and pulled out a black wallet, grinning a little. “Well, looks like I’m Hyungwon Chae again.”

“Your last name is Chae? I like it.” Hoseok giggled and waited for Hyungwon to continue.

“Do you want to see my ID, Mister?” the pretty boy asked and wiggled his eyebrows.

“Sure, mister.” He grinned and took the wallet out of Hyungwon’s hand, pulling out his ID card. “You were living at my place for free after trespassing, so now I can sue you for burglary.”

“Shit, I have no legal expense insurance,” was the shocked reply as Hyungwon opened his mouth wide and stared at the wallet in Hoseok’s hands. “There we go, nothing in this world is for free.”

“Did you really think I would sue you? Really, Hyungwon? Damn it, what am I even doing here?” Shaking his head in disbelief, Hoseok inspected the other man’s ID card. He was indeed nineteen and born in Brussels. He looked way younger on the picture, maybe sixteen. “Oh wow, you look like a whole baby.”

“You’ve probably never seen a baby before,” Hyungwon muttered before making his eyes a little bigger and pouting his lips. “There.” Giggling briefly the black-haired boy ripped the ID card from his hands and put it back into his wallet which he stuffed into the pocket of his jeans. It didn’t work too well with how tight they were. A bundle of keys was next with a fluffy bunny attached to it. It wasn’t very big, but enough to be easily identified in a bag or backpack. Lastly the plastic bag had a pair of gigantic glasses.

_A life fits into a dirty plastic bag?_

“You know what’s really nice? That all of this stayed here all the time but you were still Hyungwon, running around and living. Those things are not you, they do not define you.” Hoseok smiled and brushed a loose strand behind the younger man’s curled up ear.

“But I was Won and- well- semi-living. I don’t even know what I was doing, it definitely wasn’t breathing unless you touched me and showed me that feeling wasn’t always all that bad. It might sound really stupid and like some rom-com, but that was the first thing I learned. That not all feelings have to be bad and that sometimes it’s worth it to be able to feel them all.” The pretty boy smiled and stood up, pushing the soil back into the hole with his foot. “I’m also happy that I am here right now, with you, able to giggle even if my mind keeps telling me there was a good reason for planning all this.”

“It still does?” Something deep inside him hurt and his lungs clenched. He had expected it and he knew what depression was like. That it didn’t disappear only because some old psychotherapist touched you. “I don’t have friends, but I do have colleagues who I can send you to, if you like.”

“You might have misunderstood, I- I mean that considering the situation I was in, all my actions made sense. Nobody cared, I didn’t get into university and I was only in pain, nothing else. It seemed reasonable, because there was nothing else and I couldn’t see it if there was. It’s a little different now, even if still nobody cares and I am still not in university.” There was a bitter chuckle as Hyungwon brushed through his hair and threw his head back, looking at the blue sky in between the treetops.

“Do you want to go? To university, I mean?” Hoseok asked and bit down on his bottom lip, nervous because of what he had been researching in the morning.

“Does it matter whether I want to if I can’t?” Hyungwon replied and sighed again. “I don’t even know if I’m any good at it. I read that depressed people just compare themselves and get more depressed. I don’t really want to end up here again, you know?” Again the black-haired boy chuckled.

“Do you want to change it?” Leaning against the tree, he watched as Hyungwon’s expression became more bitter, chuckles sounding hollow and sarcastic. “One of my patients said that depression is like a black dog you have to learn to deal with so that it doesn’t bite you. Maybe you won’t get rid of it, but you might learn to control it.”

“Sounds nice.” Sighing, Hyungwon turned away from the sky and focused his big eyes on him, expression thoughtful. “I think I’ve been like this for a really long time. It would be- nice to know how to take care of it.”

“I have an amazing colleague. She is really skilled and will definitely show you some tools you can use. It would make me really happy if you could give yourself the option to enjoy life at least a little bit, you know? Without me touching you, as you said. Maybe the whole touching experience will get even better when you don’t have the dog biting your calf.” He crossed his arms and looked to the sky, asking himself how he managed to get through life without getting depressed even once.

_It’s because you can’t accept the thought of you being a victim of pain. You have everything, you don’t have a right to feel depressed because you have enough resources to not feel self-pity._

Hyungwon nodded slowly and stepped closer, reaching out for his shoulder to squeeze it once. “I just hope your colleague won’t give me antidepressants, that didn’t go too well last time,” the black-haired boy muttered and pursed his lips.

“Ah. Sometimes if you give a patient the wrong medication it can worsen their state. In my opinion you’re relatively stable right now, I think it would be nice to start a cognitive restructuring therapy first and then see whether you need something else. That’s why I said a therapist can’t make a mistake either, because it can cost lives.”

A low giggle surprised him a little as Hyungwon squeezed his shoulder again.

“I have no idea what you are talking about with your fancy words, but I guess it means you want to help me and you want to do it right. I’d really like to go home now and make fun of the fact that had somebody seen the two of us when we arrived here, they would have probably thought you were kidnapping me, holding me down and stuff.”

“I won’t do it myself. I told you, you’re not my patient.” Pushing himself off the tree, he hid the anxiety behind a bright smile and helped the younger man collect his stuff. “Do you need to stop by your dorm?”

“It’s empty, I sold everything,” Hyungwon replied and shrugged mindlessly, waving his arms around before he stretched out his hand with his bunny key towards him. “I trust you, so you may take care of him.”

“Of the bunny? Is this the key to your dorm room? But there is probably someone else living there?” Hoseok looked at the fluffy stuffed animal. It looked really cute, just a little dirty.

“There isn’t. It’s still paid for, but nobody bothered to look for me or anything, so it’s an empty room. I thought I might haunt it if ghosts exist, but nah.” Giggling, Hyungwon shrugged again. “Shit, I was so sad today that my social media was still locked and nobody looked for me, but it was so dumb of me. I basically did everything to not be suspicious. I had excuses for everything, letters, phone calls. Everything, just so nobody would end up looking for me. I’m so stupid, god.”

“You’re not. Don’t you dare disappear anywhere, because I’ll follow you,” he whispered and wrapped his fingers around Hyungwon’s bony wrist, squeezing it a little.

“I won’t, I know what it’s like when there is nothing. I don’t want it,” Hyungwon replied and smiled before leaning in and kissing his lips, thin arms wrapping around his neck. “Will you be fine with a nineteen-year-old boyfriend that constantly wants things and complains about your lack of opinion on music? I’ll start a gigantic emo CD collection, watch me.”

“I found a private uni that doesn’t need a specific grade on your high-school diploma,” he shot out, eyes turning big and biting down on his bottom lip. He had been so excited but in the end Hyungwon was right, it wasn’t something Hoseok could decide by himself, it was the younger man’s decision. He wanted Hyungwon to know that he could study if he liked, he had so much money and didn’t spend it anyway.

_He might think that it's burdening._

“That’s- all nice and everything, but I can’t pay for a private university, Hoseok. I am happy if I get financial aid from the country for studying at all,” Hyungwon replied and sighed, brushing through his hair and making his way towards the car. “I’ll probably have to change major, do something nobody wants to do. Still better than being useless. I’m still sad I can’t live off cooking you food and stalking your office.”

“Not to give off sugar-daddy vibes, but I thought I’d pay for it because I don’t know what to do with my money anyway and if it’s something that would make you a tiny bit happier, there’s nothing I want more.” Opening the car, he climbed inside and turned on the engine.

Hyungwon just stood outside and stared at him through the window, disbelief painting his features. It took a few moments until the younger man ripped the door open and threw himself on the passenger seat.

“What? Fucking what, Hoseok? You want to pay for my education? But what if I can’t do it, if I suck or have to give it up? Won’t you hate yourself for investing all that money into nothing at all? Fuck.” Groaning, Hyungwon threw his head against the headrest and chewed on his cheek. “I want to be Won again, not giving a single shit and just accepting everything with a bright smile and a giggle, knowing nothing.”

“First of all: no, I won’t hate myself because I have so many coping strategies that hating myself is not an option. Secondly, you can do whatever the fuck you want, Hyungwon. I just want to make sure that you have the opportunity. Want to study? Feel free. Want to bake cakes and giggle with middle-aged heterosexual women in a bakery? Feel free, it’s your decision. I simply find it unfair that you can’t do something only because of some outside factor I can remove without blinking an eye. I don’t need this money, it’s there.” Sighing, he pulled out and drove back onto the highway. “I don’t want you to be Won. I want you to be you.”

“I love you,” Hyungwon whispered and slipped down in the seat until his knees touched the glove compartment, bending him in half as he stared at Hoseok from the side, eyes focused. “I’ll do it. Because I really want to and I hope you won’t regret doing this. I don’t want to be that young guy who just takes all your money and does nothing. The problem is that I don’t know if I can give much.”

“Would you feel better if I told you that I would’ve done it even if you decided to leave me and live your own life without me?” He looked straight ahead and smiled to himself because he did think about it. About what would happen if Hyungwon left him. It was possible. It still was.

“No, because you’d have to try harder than paying for my education to make me leave,” Hyungwon replied and suddenly leaned into his crotch, placing a kiss on his thigh before he moved back. “I’ll make you happy. We’re starting tonight by eating something healthy and looking through apartments. Wait- you did want to move _with_ me, right? I’m the major part to your happiness!”

He ignored the question because it was ridiculous and nodded barely visibly.

“You know what’s interesting? That you were cold and completely soaked when you came to me. It only took a few days for you to warm me up, to crawl inside me and occupy a part of my heart without me noticing. You touched my shoulders with your raindrop-like fingers and looked at me with the subtle hint of disgust on your face when I smoked, you laughed at me and you wanted to get close, letting me close. I love you, Hyungwon. I love you in a way I have never loved anybody before.”

It was quiet but he could feel Hyungwon’s eyes on him, staring without a break as he continued driving along busy streets.

“You know, even now when-” Hyungwon swallowed and Hoseok felt a warm hand on his thigh, stroking over it. The motion wasn’t sexual at all. “Even now when I can produce warmth myself, my heart beats and I breathe… still it feels like you are the only one who can make me really warm, the kind of warm that makes me want to stay here.”

“Thank you for coming to me,” he whispered and swallowed a few times to not cry due to the overflowing emotions. “Time might not be able to erase pain, but it can allow something to take its place.”

“I’ll replace it all,” Hyungwon whispered and nodded slowly, mostly to himself. “Let’s not go home. Let’s do something else, something exciting.”

_Something exciting?_

Hoseok thought about what could be exciting, his life was quite boring, there wasn't anything about him that anybody could consider interesting, besides…

_Your fucked up family._

Shivering briefly, he remembered the last time he saw the woman who gave birth to him, it wasn't a very nice memory, but maybe Hyungwon wanted to see something different, something apart from what he knew about him. See that he didn't ‘have it all’.

“Sure.” he said, “You need excitement? Let’s visit my parents, you'll be surprised,” he murmured and stepped on the gas.

 

***

 

His emotions were a mess, switching in a matter of seconds. They began with confusion, transitioned into immediate arousal, relief, terror at his surroundings, bitterness, love and finally pure confusion again. One might have thought Hyungwon had jumped on a rollercoaster that hadn’t specified what exactly he was in for, not even the age restriction.

His butt was rubbing over the passenger seat in Hoseok’s car while he held onto the door with one hand and the older man’s thigh with another. For some reason Hoseok had just proposed to visit his parents and sped up, staring ahead without any further comment.

_Oh god._

“Your- your parents?” Hyungwon stuttered and tried to sit up properly, as if Hoseok’s parents were already watching and could judge him for being one of those sticky gummy animals that children could throw against the wall. “My hands still look like I just buried my own parents, shit. They’ll think I’m a creep, Hoseok!”

“I think there is nobody who can beat me if it comes to being a creep, at least in my mom’s eyes.” Shrugging, Hoseok took an exit and drove through a street with big houses. It looked like a place where wealthy people lived.

_They are probably filthy rich, maybe that’s why he doesn’t care about money much._

The thought made sense at first, but then Hyungwon also remembered that Hoseok never spent much money either. It didn’t fit. He also didn’t know why Hoseok would seem like a creep to anybody, not really at least. Unless-

“You’re not going to give me a blow job as soon as we stop, right?”

“What? In my parent’s driveway? Why? Is it a kink of yours? Well, look at you, never thought that it would be what comes to the surface when you get your memories back,” the older man commented as soon as he parked in front of a big villa, behind a rather fancy-looking car.

“Oh god, no- you just said you are a creep, so I tried to come up with the reason why!” Hyungwon defended himself and waved around his arms to emphasize his words. He felt like he was panicking a little, adrenaline rushing through his veins in addition to his blood. It was probably because he felt unprepared and definitely not qualified to meet Hoseok’s parents. “I thought maybe you did something like that and your mom was like ‘gosh, that boy’.”

“Nah, she’s not like this, believe me. Can’t wait for you to meet her. If she knew what I’m able to do in my private time she’d faint.” Sighing, Hoseok climbed out of the car and walked around, opening the door for him. “Let’s go.”

“Deja vu,” Hyungwon whispered and climbed out. The house was big and had a spacious garden. His eyes fell on a small garden sink at the side. He ran over and turned it on, washing his hands as thoroughly as he was able to, removing the dirt from under his nails. He felt much better once his fingers didn’t look like those of a creepy mass murderer who buried the limbs of his victims in the forest.

Chewing on his bottom lip, he ran to Hoseok who was already standing in front of the entrance door, watching him.

“Shit, do I look acceptable? My ass probably looks square because of my wallet, fuck.”

“You’re adorable,” Hoseok murmured and rang the bell, hearing how steps came closer before the door opened and a short, elderly woman with black hair appeared, gaze fixed on him before it wandered to the side and spotted Hoseok. The whole expression changed then.

“Baby! Oh my god, how long has it been?” she exclaimed, hugging Hoseok with her slim arms.

“Two years,” the older man replied calmly and hugged back. It looked awkward, as if Hoseok wasn’t used to hugging his mother. “I have brought my partner, this is Hyungwon.” Gesturing at him, Hoseok smiled and nodded briefly. The older woman watched him before smiling brightly and stretching out her small hand.

“I’m Wonhee, Hoseok’s mom. His dad is working and will be home later this evening, come in, I just ordered lunch, so it should arrive soon.”

_He hasn’t visited his parents for two full years. Why?_

Hyungwon shook the woman’s hand awkwardly, not sure how much he was supposed to squeeze to not hurt her but at the same time to not seem like a wimp. He smiled back and nodded too.

“It is a pleasure to meet you, Mrs.- ehm, Wonhee. Is it okay to say your first name? I am sorry if it isn’t!”

“Sure, Wonhee is fine. But wow, you have a very handsome boyfriend, Hoseok. He looks younger than you though, you should use the skincare products that I sent you.” The woman lifted her finger and poked Hoseok’s cheek. “You’re losing elasticity.”

“Which is why one should only smile at single men,” Hyungwon commented and immediately lifted his palm in front of his mouth, eyes widening a little. This was probably a bad context for citing sitcoms.

_You also shouldn’t say your age._

“You are absolutely right, Hyungwon. That’s the way I keep my face like this. Are you still working way more than you should? I won’t start this discussion again, but you’re not a charity, you should think about yourself and your life first.” The older woman led them through a modern hallway into a living room and gestured for them to sit down on one of the grey leather couches. They looked like in those south american sitcoms of rich people living in huge, fancy houses with crazy ass furniture.

“How long have you known each other? I told this story to the other person Hoseok brought, but when he was small, he really liked taking out a box full of toys and giving them away so other kids would play with him. Isn’t it cute? I think it’s the reason why he’s a psycho-person now. He doesn’t need to give away toys, the people come to him on a voluntary basis and even pay money. It’s the best. Just that he cares too much, right?”

Hyungwon blinked a little too often as he tried to process all the important information. He knew where Hoseok’s mom was coming from and he had even thought about drawing a schedule and writing down Hoseok’s working hours to pick him up whenever he overdid it. He also saw pictures of the older man with toys and then one page later without toys. It all made sense now. He only hoped this wasn’t the point at which Hoseok told his mom they met because Hyungwon broke into his apartment and pretended to be his guardian angel to get a grip on his own issues. It was a little messy and too much for a ‘meet the parents’ talk.

Hoseok inhaled sharply but left the air inside his lungs, exhaling after a few long seconds.

“I’m going to move, so I’ll be selling the apartment, I thought I should tell you, not that you send stuff there. I don’t have a new one yet, but we are going to look at some. We’ve known each other for a few months. But it’s okay, you only knew what dad’s bank account looked like before you agreed to marry, so it’s fine.” Smiling brightly, the older man got up and went to the open kitchen, taking out a cup and placing it under the coffee machine. “Do you want a coffee too, Won?”

Nodding without a comment, Hyungwon fumbled with the rips in his jeans and glanced around the spacious house. It was really big, gigantic even. He also felt a little uncomfortable about Hoseok exposing his mother for marrying his father for money. That was- well, bold.

“Take the arabica, it tastes better, baby. But you’re right, I should’ve also looked closer before making a decision, because then I might have had grandkids by now.” Sighing, Hoseok’s mother got up and went to the door shortly before the bell rang.

_Why would Hoseok’s sexuality be the fault of his dad?_

Hyungwon was really confused at this point, staring at his hands and the pretty wooden floors, covered in a fancy wooden pattern or whatever that was.

“Would you like milk?” the older man asked, as if his mother didn’t tell him that she would’ve liked to have a son who wasn’t gay.

“I- yeah, more milk than coffee,” he replied and couldn’t bear it anymore. Jumping up, he ran over and wrapped his arms around Hoseok’s waist, whispering in his ear. “I thought she was fine with you being gay, she looked all smiley at first. You could just adopt some children!”

“What? Why would I adopt a child just because my mother is a selfish human?” Hoseok looked genuinely surprised. “It’s kinda nice that you’re here because she’s literally not fine with anything I am or anything I do. Now I feel so loved because you’re here. Thank you for coming along.” Smiling, Hoseok placed a kiss on his lips and poured milk into his cup. “Not that I care about being loved by her, a human can get used to anything.

_Holy shit._

“Oh my god, is that why you never call her?” he whispered again and glanced to the door, seeing that Hoseok’s mom was still talking to the delivery man. “I’m sorry, I just thought the problem was kids and that could be solved with adoption. If you wanted to that is.”

“I remember learning in university that problem-awareness is a very important part of psychotherapeutic treatment, and I immediately thought about my mother because she is a human who has none. Also I can’t adopt kids alone and Hobi left me when I talked about it and now I’m not sure whether I even want it. I’m fine to be honest. If my opinion changes randomly then I shouldn’t adopt a kid. It’s not like buying a toy.” The older man sighed and handed him the pretty cup.

_His mother sounds like a terrible person. Psychology probably helped him make sense of it._

“It’s not and at this point I would feel a little weird adopting a kid because-” Hyungwon genuinely tried to come up with a decent reason, one that explained his feelings but didn’t sound as dumb as the real reason, but he just wasn’t able to. So he gave up. “Well, cause- you know, I’m nineteen.”

“They also wouldn’t let you.” Hoseok chuckled and pulled himself up on the counter as his mother walked in with two plastic bags.

“The food is here, we can share and I can get more later when your dad comes.” The black-haired woman took out plates and put them on the big white table, before arranging the food on them. Hyungwon was curious whether she actually had grey hair already, but dyed it. “So you’re moving together I see? That’s really nice, now you won’t be alone all the time. Loneliness didn’t benefit your personality because you constantly try to help strangers instead of taking care of the people who are related to you.” She sat down and gestured for them to join. “Did you know that Hoseok didn’t get into university first try? But he was so stubborn and didn’t want us to pay the private one for him, so he worked one and a half years to pay for it himself? Can you imagine? How stubborn can a person be to decline if you have it served on a plate?”

Hyungwon couldn't imagine because he had been the kind of person that just accepted everything that the older man gave him, be it a home, help or the money for a private university. He felt a little disgusted at himself for not trying hard enough back in high school. So what that he was depressed? Other people managed too.

_Like Hoseok, he managed it all._

“Because you were belittling my choice and I still can’t accept it. Also don’t send stuff, I donate it anyway,” the black-haired man murmured and poked the noodles with his fork without eating them.

The conversation was getting more and more bitter, like neither Hoseok nor his mom wanted to pretend anymore. Hyungwon slurped up a noodle in the hope that it would help defuse the tension.

_Don't be so passive, help him._

"Well, by doing it himself he showed that he really wanted to do it and it became more important because he-" Hyungwon tried to remember the fancy word Hoseok always used, "invested more resources into it."

“Sure. But I guess he didn't want to have any connection to us. It only got worse when we tried to talk to Hoseok about starting a family and finding a better job than dancing. Being gay doesn't free you from your responsibility towards society.” The black-haired woman had a slightly disgusted expression on her face, emphasized by her curved lips that looked so different from Hoseok's because she didn't use them to smile.

“Can we not talk about this? Because I'll get angry and we won't see each other for another few years. I thought you would have educated yourself by now, but I see that you haven't. Sad.” Hoseok looked calm even though any other human would've gotten angry already.

Hyungwon couldn't believe he was part of such a conversation, one in which somebody considered having children a duty towards society in addition to the necessity of having a particular ‘beneficial’ job. His parents had no beliefs like that, they would probably be happy as long as he was able to do anything at all after pushing him through high school.

_They talked to Hobi about his dancing job, oh god._

There was no need to think about what Hoseok's mother may have thought about him, somebody who wasn't doing anything at all.

"What kind of job do you do, ehm- Wonhee?" Hyungwon tried and slurped up more of his noodles.

“I don’t have a job. I took care of Hoseok and the house, I also manage the money after he decided that he doesn’t need a family. He only remembers when he has someone he wants to be with.” The older woman huffed and pierced a noodle, placing it into her mouth carefully.

"Maybe that is because-" Hyungwon swallowed, "you say really hurtful things to him. I might have already- stopped existing all together in his position. You should be more careful about the things you say even if you believe them to be true." Again he slurped up his noodles to hide that he had just talked back to an elderly woman.

“Ah, I almost forgot why I’m here.” Hoseok looked up from his plate and focused his gaze on his mother’s face, eyes narrowed and looking rather scary. “If you dare talk to him, I’ll come here and tell dad everything you’ve done during the past twenty years. Spoiler: it’s a lot, and he won’t fucking like it, so leave me alone. More importantly, leave him alone. I’m making sure that you can’t tell me that you didn’t know or that you thought it was okay or that you care about me, it won’t matter. It’s very important for you to know that you’re not allowed to invade my private life, okay? Understood?” Tilting his head, Hoseok waited for an answer. His mother seemed shocked, but caught herself after a few seconds, nodding and smiling in a fake way.

“Of course, baby. Whatever you want. Eat more noodles.”

“I’ll wait until Hyungwon is finished and then we’ll leave, I think I've had enough excitement for today, how about you?” The older man turned to him and smiled.

Hyungwon didn't know what to say and didn't really feel the need to finish his noodles. He never did, but now eating seemed particularly pointless, a little disgusting even. His eyes widened and he nodded before twirling all of the remaining noodles around his fork and stuffing it into his mouth. He wanted to be done. After slurping up the liquid, he stood up and chewed on his cheek. He didn't want to lie and say that it was a pleasure to meet the woman in front of him, so he didn't say anything at all.

“Fuck, you’re adorable,” Hoseok whispered. “Yeah, we’ll be going then, thank you for the food.” Nodding at his mother, the black-haired man got up and walked towards the hallway, taking his hand in the process.

“Take care and don’t work too much, those people aren’t worth it,” the elderly woman commented before they closed the door behind themselves and Hoseok let out a deep sigh. “So, are you excited now?”

"I'm-" Hyungwon began but had no idea how to finish, so he just shook his head and wrapped his body around Hoseok, kissing his face instead. "I'm so sorry for telling you to call your mom back then."

“What? Why would you be sorry? People simply assume that one has a special connection to their parents, but I’m a different entity, so it’s okay. You couldn't have known. But now you do, so if she comes near you, run.” The older man laughed loudly and placed a kiss on his lips. “And now you also know that I didn’t get into university either, because you need to have very good high school grades to be a psychology major.”

"To be honest, I thought you were a straight A student, somebody who could have been class president, all hot and beautiful. I was that kid in the back that always slept and looked nerdy because of my glasses but couldn't do shit. I'm really glad you kissed me despite the glasses." Giggling, he shifted the black frames on his face and was happy that he had new ones. Hoseok had taken his old, ugly ones and Hyungwon was glad because now he could pretend they had never existed. The glasses harboured too many bad memories.

After meeting the older man’s mother there were so many surprising things he had learned about Hoseok that he didn't really know how to process all of them.

_You just want to wrap around him and hiss at everybody who comes near._

Maybe Hyungwon should have really become a cat instead of Won. He wasn't too far from it, arms and legs wrapped around Hoseok and holding on for dear life. He wanted to be close, so close that the black-haired man couldn't hide behind his compensation strategies anymore.

“Nah. I was this lonely person in the back who let everybody copy his homework and got worse grades because the teachers thought I was the one who cheated.” Hoseok laughed and freed himself, sitting down on the driver’s seat. “But it’s okay, it fits my personality. I’m so excited about your uni. I want you to do whatever you like. If it’s not yours, change your major, I won’t hate you, I will support you in everything you do.”

"Thank you, Hoseok, really. I'll make sure that you're not lonely anymore then," Hyungwon whispered as he slipped onto the passenger seat and lifted his long legs on top of the dashboard.

He was going to work on this, but especially on himself.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I don’t know how to do it. I only know how to be alone.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 2nd of June at 2 PM CET.
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He found an apartment. It was spacious and provided enough room for Hyungwon to have a big desk and study in peace if he wanted to. The quarter was nice too and strategically close to the private university and his office.

_Perfect._

Nothing was perfect because his anxiety was still there. It still invaded his thoughts, paired with the memories of his negative experiences, making him sad and more anxious. Hoseok knew the processes, of course he did, how the thoughts circled around the same thing, how he kept imagining the same things happening to him, pictures of Hyungwon leaving to prepare himself to react accordingly. All of it was there, but it didn’t make it easier to deal with. Not at all.

_And you can’t keep him away all the time. You want to be close and it’s torture._

It got bad again and he decided to take a shower, leaving the gorgeous man in bed sleeping. He had stared enough at the boy’s stunning body, his lean stomach and luscious thighs that spread after kicking away the blanket. Hoseok had the best sight possible, but he was conflicted, so he left, turning on the water and washing himself thoroughly.

_Touch yourself, there’s no point. You’ll only jump him if you don’t._

Reaching between his legs, he curled his fingers around his half hard length and stroked it lazily, rubbing his thumb over his tip and hissed a little. It felt nice and he imagined the younger man rubbing it against his thick lips, big eyes looking up at him. Shit.

There was the sudden noise of something dropping close to the bathroom door, producing a metallic noise as it hit the ground. Turning to the side quickly, his eyes met gigantic brown ones, staring at him in shock.

Hyungwon was standing in the door, only wearing his underwear and holding onto the cable of the hair dryer that he must have dropped accidentally, creating the loud noise.

“I- well- oh god,” the black-haired boy stuttered and blinked a few times, staring at him without moving a single centimeter. His cheeks were a bright red and corresponded to the color of his plump lips. There was a bulge between his legs, a sign that he was more aroused by the sight than embarrassed.

“Why... do you never let me touch you?” Hyungwon whispered eventually, chewing on his bottom lip.

“Well-” he started, fingers still wrapped around his length. “The timing is always a little unfortunate.” Chuckling at the ridiculous situation, he finally let go and poured shampoo into his palm, sighing in resignation.

“But you don’t have to stop!” Hyungwon exclaimed and crouched down quickly to pick up the hair dryer and put it back where it belonged. Instead of disappearing through the door, the black-haired boy closed it and kept chewing on his cheek, stepping closer.

“I could… help,” he whispered and hooked his thumbs under the fabric of his tight briefs, slowly pulling them down his long legs like he still felt a little embarrassed to undress in front of him. Once his underwear was at his feet, Hyungwon threw it into the laundry bag and stepped closer to the shower, watching him intently. “Will you let me join?”

“You- want to shower with me?” He swallowed but didn’t want to appear childish and nodded with fake confidence. “Get in, I’ll show you how to wash yourself.” Grinning, Hoseok opened the stall door.

“I’d rather you show me something else,” the pretty boy replied and stepped in, big hands immediately reaching out to touch his chest. Hyungwon’s long fingers followed the lines of his abs and travelled upwards, rubbing over his nipples and applying pressure. He seemed fascinated by the sight, tilting his head downwards to meet his gaze and smiling a little. “You’re beautiful, Hoseok.”

“You are. You were so stunning and irresistible that I had to come here to keep my fingers off you. What do you want me to show you?” His voice got lower and he spoke quietly, licking the water from his lips and hissing at the arousing touches that were so much better than his imagination.

“It’s… really embarrassing to be honest,” Hyungwon replied and allowed his right hand to slip lower again, passing Hoseok’s navel before it wrapped around his thick length, stroking it a few times. “I also want to be like this, but I’m too clumsy to even take care of my face without looking like the joker.”

“Huh? But you can’t do much about the thickness, Hyungwon. It’s how your anatomy is, but I love it. You look gorgeous, I don’t have special preferences towards dicks. You are perfect like this.” Hoseok didn’t know why Hyungwon suddenly talked about wanting to be like him, but it was ridiculous.

“What? You mean-” The younger man glanced downwards, obviously at the way Hoseok’s dick looked in his hand and had it been possible to blush even more, Hyungwon probably would have. His eyes widened comically and the way he bit down on his bottom lip looked painful. “Oh god, that’s not what I meant, Hoseok. I- I like your dick and all, but- oh god, why is this so hard? I meant talking, not your dick. God- I meant that you’re…” Swallowing again, Hyungwon stroked over his erection a few times before running his fingers over the smooth skin of his groin. “So smooth. Shaved. I want to be like that too, but I cut myself when I shave my face. Shit, this is so embarrassing.”

_Why can’t you communicate?_

“Wait… are you telling me you want me to shave you? Is that what you mean?” The question and a glance downwards was enough to make him twitch inside Hyungwon’s big hand. The thought turned him on so much that the hissed quietly.

_Why does he want you to shave him?_

“Y-yeah, fuck, I’m sorry if it’s weird,” Hyungwon muttered until he must have realized that Hoseok had just proven the opposite to him. “You- you like the idea? I want to be all smooth and pretty, I think it’ll make me feel less self-conscious. I'm not sure how to explain it. I feel like I have an image of the way I want to look like and you helping me with this will bring me closer to that image.”

“My imagination is going places and I’d love to help you. The thought of you with your legs spread makes me go nuts, fuck,” he commented and threw his head back, grabbing the shower gel and placing it into the other man’s free hand.

“O-okay,” Hyungwon replied before the meaning must have reached him and he smiled. His hand shook the shower gel like a smoothie for no reason. “I’m glad, if you like it that means I’m not embarrassing. Sounds good to me, what do you want me to do? In the shower or should I bend over the tub?”

“I won’t be able to shave you if you bend over the tub, it’s too tempting,” Hoseok muttered and washed the shampoo out of his hair quickly before turning off the water. “The shower is big enough for you to lay down and spread your legs.”

“Okay, maybe this is embarrassing after all,” Hyungwon muttered and slowly sank to the shower floor, rubbing over it with his hands for no reason before lying down and staring up at Hoseok. “Is this what it feels like to be short?” he asked and giggled.

“If you tease me I’ll tie you up and make you watch me touching myself for thirty minutes.” Grinning, Hoseok got the razor and exchanged the razor blade for a new one, staring down at the stunning young man below him. Shit.

“Maybe I can’t do it because I am fucking blind without glasses,” Hyungwon whispered and lifted up his legs, spreading them slowly while chewing on his cheek. “Also, if that’s the deal then I’ll just end up begging a lot.”

“I’ll shut your mouth,” Hoseok commented with a bright grin and sank to his knees, letting the hot water hit his back while he leaned in and placed a kiss on Hyungwon’s tip because he could. “Okay and now don’t move too much and let me work.”

“I hope shutting my mouth implies the arousing image in my mind,” the black-haired boy replied, but remained perfectly still, arms wrapped around his own thighs and holding on tightly. “I want my legs to be smooth too. Everything.”

“Yes, torture me, Satan,” Hoseok murmured and started with the beautiful man’s legs, applying cream and shaving the younger man until there was only hair between his legs. It was the best part and he sucked in a long breath, eyes glancing up to Hyungwon’s face. The boy’s big brown eyes were watching him intently as he placed his feet on Hoseok’s thighs and relaxed a little, sucking his lips into his mouth.

“You make me want to be touched,” the low voice murmured eventually.

“You make me want you.” His hands spread the golden thighs further and started removing the hair carefully. It didn’t take long as he was pretty skilled and managed to finish everything in a few minutes. “And now… turn around and lift your pretty butt.”

“O-okay,” Hyungwon stuttered and nodded in support, scrambling up quickly and turning around. The boy remained on his hands and knees and glanced to the side, meeting his gaze. “Like this? Or do you want my chest to be on the floor?”

“Chest on the floor. Like when I fucked you with my tongue.” He exhaled roughly and remembered the way Hyungwon moaned gorgeously. Hoseok wanted him so badly.

A gasp left the boy’s lips and his body reacted, right in front of Hoseok’s eyes as Hyungon slowly lowered his chest to the ground and inhaled sharply, legs trembling briefly.

“I- I know I shouldn’t move, but I couldn’t help it,” the younger man whispered.

“I want you so much, ah.” Rolling his eyes, he breathed in and out a few times, concentrating on the task at hand and carefully applied cream before taking the razor and shaving the sensitive skin carefully.

“I feel exposed, but I don’t even mind because it’s you and because my mind keeps remembering when…” Hyungwon trailed off and Hoseok could see the younger man twitch at the words he didn’t say. “Fuck, can’t you let me take you into my mouth when you’re done? Please?”

“If you behave,” he murmured and continued removing the hair until Hyungwon was completely smooth and even more breathtaking. It felt like a trap. “Okay. Done.” Hoseok put the razor aside, turned the water back on and slapped the younger man’s ass, unable to suppress it.

Hyungwon gasped before whimpering loudly and trembling again, fingers scratching over the shower floors as the younger man pulled himself off the ground and held his breath.

"I'll be good, I promise, please," the black-haired boy begged as he turned around and sat down on his calves, watching Hoseok intently.

“You’re fucking me up.” He wrapped his arms around Huyngwon’s waist and clashed their lips together, ravishing the younger man’s mouth and moaning into it.

"Then stop holding back, Hoseok. It's fine, I like it and I want you, so much." Hyungwon kissed back with urgency, trembling in his arms and licking into his mouth eagerly. The boy's hands scratched over his shoulders until the right one slipped between his legs, stroking him carefully. "I- I want you in my mouth."

“Then take me,” he whispered, hissing at the tight grip of the younger man’s fingers around him. He lifted to his feet and curled his hand around the base of his erection, coming closer and rubbing the tip against Hyungwon’s thick lips. It felt so fucking good that he moaned unrestricted and low.

The boy immediately opened his mouth a little and licked over the tip as water continued to run down his face and hair, pearling on the tip of his nose and dripping to the shower floor. Hyungwon was beautiful and seemed so eager for him, whimpering and holding onto his thighs with his big hands.

“You told me that you would like me to hold your hands last time- do you still want it? I could restrain you.” Hoseok pulled back and waited for Hyungwon’s answer.

There was no hesitation as the hot tongue licked over his slit and the black-haired boy lifted both of his arms in the air. Hyungwon pressed his wrists together for him to hold, visibly aroused by the prospect.

Wrapping his fingers around the other man’s thin, bony wrists, he pushed his tip into Hyungwon’s mouth, testing out how far he could go and moaning at the sensation. It felt exhilarating.

“Do you want me to fuck your mouth, Hyungwon?” he asked, licking over his lips and pushing himself further into the wet heat.

The beautiful young man hummed, sending vibrations along his dick. Hyungwon kept tugging at the grip, contracting his muscles and sucking intently whenever he was able to.

“God, you’re making it really hard to resist,” he murmured but it was stupid because he wasn’t able to resist anyway. Tightening his grip, he started moving further and faster, encouraged by Hyungwon’s expression and the moans that kept vibrating along his length. He was moaning and felt his orgasm approaching embarrassingly quickly.

“This is ridiculous, but I’m close,” he groaned, throwing his head back and pulling at Hyungwon’s wrists. The response was positive as the boy moved forward, taking more of his length and allowing him to hit his throat. Even if there were tears in Hyungwon’s eyes Hoseok couldn’t tell, not with the water that still ran down the younger man’s face and the moans that kept stimulating his dick. Each tug at the slim wrists evoked another whimper from the boy’s throat, pushing him closer to the edge.

It only took a few moments before his whole body tensed and he came down Hyungwon’s throat with a loud groan of the younger man’s name, repeating it like a mantra while his body convulsed and shook due to the intensity of his orgasm.

One might have thought the black-haired boy in front of him had practised, carefully sucking his way to the tip before he let his erection fall from his mouth and kissed it briefly. There was a smile on Hyungwon’s face as he leaned forward and placed another kiss to his thigh, his hip, and dipped his tongue into his navel. His hands remained restrained.

“Shit, will you let me suck you off with my fingers inside you?” he asked, before using his grip to pull the younger man up to his feet. Hyungwon was really light, easily lifting up to his feet and staring at him with wide eyes. It was quiet and there was no reply until the black-haired boy sucked his lips into his mouth and slowly shook his head. He was denying him.

“No.”

_

 

It was frustrating to say the least, Hyungwon played the same game with him that he had played with the black-haired boy, not letting him close and declining his suggestions. It hurt, but he understood.

_You can’t continuously say no and then keep expecting him to give you everything. It’s okay, you have to accept his decision._

Hoseok did. He tried not to think about it and only concentrated on the task at hand, namely finding a moving company and packing the stuff he had collected over the past few years. He found Hobi’s camera behind the throw pillow he owned for no apparent reason. Turning it on, he looked through the videos of the other man dancing. He was really talented, Hobi was.

_You should give it back. He might be happy about the old memories._

Pulling out his phone, Hoseok dialed the familiar number and waited until his ex-boyfriend picked up.

“Hey. Congratulations on getting your relationship back on track. I’m moving out and found your old camera. You might like some of the videos you took back then. Do you want to come over and pick it up?” he asked, turning the device in his hand.

“Thank you. I’m glad that your boyfriend conveyed the message, I wasn’t sure if he would after calling me a bastard and all that. But yes, I would love to pick it up. Is today okay? I’m not sure when though.” The younger man chuckled lowly and he heard shifting of kitchen utensils.

“Are you cooking? Also, he was right, Hyungwon was, and I’ll kill you next time you say anything mean to him, you should know better. Just come over, I’m home anyway.” Smiling, he waited for confirmation, a few curses, a story about someone in China who threatened to kill him and for his ex-boyfriend to finally hang up. It was hilarious. Laughing at his phone, he put the camera on the bed and continued packing the clothes into the waiting boxes.

_You only understand how much shit you own if you have to pack it all into boxes and leave._

It felt weird to pick his previous life apart, throw away things he never used and deciding what to do with memories that stayed next to him, triggered by things like clothes, objects and familiar smells. It was strange, but he wanted to do it, even though his head still worked in the same way. He expected Hyungwon to leave, to find someone better, or to move away because he didn’t need him anymore. It wasn’t the most positive way of thinking, but he intended on changing it slowly after he had changed his surroundings enough to enable him to focus on something else besides all the memories that stuck to his walls, his furniture and the borders of his consciousness.

 _Throw it all away. Everything, until there’s only a white sheet. Be like Hyungwon. Bury it all and start anew._  
  
  


***

Hyungwon felt unusually cheerful, grabbing cups from the kitchen cupboard and wrapping them in bubble wrap before arranging them safely in a cardboard box. They were preparing to move and he was ridiculously glad that he was able to be helpful, at least in the most basic way, namely packing stuff that Hoseok wasn’t planning on throwing away. The difference between the garbage heap and the boxes was huge, like Hoseok wasn’t simply moving but cleaning up his past and his belongings as an extra. Hyungwon didn’t really understand because he never really felt like he owned much anyway, especially since he had come to Hoseok as Won.

_You didn’t own anything for weeks and you also didn’t really miss it._

He smiled to himself and wrapped another cup, this time one with big bunny ears that were formed into a handle to hold the cup. It was a cute cup and Hyungwon liked it, so he was particularly careful with wrapping it. He hadn’t seen the new apartment yet because Hoseok had gone on his own, it had something to do with higher likelihood of getting it by appearing on his own as fancy Mr. Psychotherapist Lee.

_Because they would either see that you are a gay couple or think that you are strangely young. Hoseok had a point._

Pursing his lips, Hyungwon wondered whether it would get better once he was in his mid twenties or something. Then it probably wouldn't matter anymore. The age difference would be less obvious. It would only be clear when Hoseok turned forty or something. But then again, Hyungwon had no idea because forty sounded fucking old to him.

“Honey, I have another full box,” he yelled in an unnecessarily high pitch and giggled. Hoseok was carrying the boxes somewhere whenever Hyungwon finished one.

“Why are you so ridiculous?” Hoseok commented and laughed, obviously liking his ridiculousness. “I have to go to the cellar to pack the things down there and you can empty the kitchen cupboards, okay?” The black-haired man pointed at the big white cupboard and smiled. He still hadn’t talked to him about the thing in the shower.

_Because he’s still uncomfortable about it._

Hyungwon wasn’t really somebody to deny himself pleasure for the sake of proving a point, but Hoseok was particularly good at it, staying away with unmatched stubbornness. The older man had already been good at it back then, when it had only been about proving a point. It was also the case now, when there were even more, and especially more complex reasons for Hoseok to stay away from him sexually. But there wasn’t much of a choice for Hyungwon, consent was key and he wasn’t going to tie Hoseok to the bed and ride him or anything.

His face gained color at the thought and he quickly opened the white cupboard, almost hitting himself in the face in the process. The familiar bottle of lube was still standing there, in plain sight.

“Ehm- what about- this?” he asked and pursed his lips.

“Throw it away, I don’t need it.” Hoseok sounded serious, but a smile appeared on his face as he didn’t manage to turn around fast enough to hide it.

“You can keep pretending that you don’t want to fuck me, but someday your dick will start talking to you like in that crappy puberty movie,” Hyungwon muttered and wiggled his eyebrows. He put the lube on the kitchen counter and focused on the actually important stuff for now, smiling to himself.

“Volition and behavior are two different things,” Hoseok commented and winked at him before closing the door behind himself.

_Whatever the fuck that is._

Hyungwon sighed out loud as soon as the door closed and wondered what he had to do to change Hoseok’s mind. Maybe he had to be extreme like in movies, dance to Demi Lovato’s ‘Confident’ and shake his ass.

_No fucking way._

He turned back to the cupboard and wrapped everything in bubble wrap. There was a red ribbon at the bottom of the cardboard box, so he grabbed it and wrapped it around his hair in a pretty bow. It was cute and made him look like he was a present, so he decided it would be perfect for Hoseok’s return. Maybe he would be rewarded with the older man’s gorgeous smile again.

As soon as the doorbell rang, he almost dropped the pretty plate he had been holding and ran to the front door. There was no reason for Hoseok to ring the bell, but maybe the black-haired man had forgotten his key. He was way more clumsy than he liked to admit, being all broad-shouldered and grown up.

Hyungwon ripped the door open and grinned, excited to see Hoseok’s face upon encountering the ribbon on his head. Instead of Hoseok, there was nobody, only the sound of feet on stairs.

_Fair enough._

Leaning against the door frame, he bent one knee, making sure he looked relaxed when Hoseok finally arrived at the top of the stairs.

Instead of his Hoseok, he saw Hoseok’s annoying ex-boyfriend, looking at him in surprise while running up the stairs, taking a few at a time. Hyungwon felt really stupid suddenly, especially with a ribbon. He looked like a fucking present.

“Oh wow, did Hoseok change his preferences?” the brown-haired man murmured, but smiled and stopped in front of him. “Is he inside?”

“Ehm-” He tried to stand up straight again instead of being wannabe-cool and showing off his long legs. That wasn’t meant for anybody but Hoseok, the Lee one. “He’s downstairs, packing stuff. But- why are you here?” It was childish but Hyungwon was suddenly glad that he was taller.

“Ah- I thought he told you. He called me because he still has my old camera and it has videos of me on it, so I wanted to get it back. He said that he’ll be inside the whole day packing. Is it okay if I come in?” Hobi put both hands into the pockets of his jeans and glanced inside.

That was the point at which Hyungwon realized that he had been blocking the entrance with his whole stick-like self, so he nodded quickly and stepped to the side, feeling even more awkward. He had no idea how to talk to somebody that he had called a bastard because he had no manners as Won. A bastard that was obviously pretty damn close to Hoseok, close enough to sit on his lap to seduce him.

_Oh god._

“Feel at home,” he muttered to be nice and held onto the door frame.

“Wow, thank you.” Walking inside, their guest took off his shoes and peeked into the kitchen. “Holy shit, you almost packed everything! I’ve never seen the apartment like this, it feels crazy. It feels a little bit like a second home, but I guess those times are over now.” Hobi seemed calmer than he had before as he scanned the rooms, eyes attentive and searching for the camera.

_Maybe because he is happy with his boyfriend._

“Well, you lived here for a very long time, so it must feel strange. I- I think I understand Hoseok wanting to abandon everything. I don’t care too much for belongings. It feels like I don’t need much. A cup that I can fill with something to drink sounds like a luxury to me.” Hyungwon chuckled and went to the kitchen to grab a cup he hadn’t packed yet. “Coffee? The machine will get packed last I think. I don’t know how you drink your coffee, so you will have to be very detailed with me. Maybe you could also apologize for what you said on the phone because you made me cry. That makes it a little difficult to be nice to you.”

The other man’s eyes widened and he stared at him for a few seconds before sighing deeply.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said it and I don’t want to spurt excuses. I should have known, it’s not the first fucking time, but it’s so hard to control when it kicks in.” Taking the last cup out of one of the cupboards, Hobi glanced at the lube for a few seconds and pressed the button on the machine. “It’s different with me. I seem to need a lot of stability from the outside because my mind is a chaotic mess.”

“When- what kicks in?” Hyungwon asked carefully and was sneaky about the lube, making it disappear into one of the drawers.

“I thought Hoseok told you. Because I’m bipolar, so when I have a manic phase I do crazy shit. It’s still me, but it kinda sucks when I’m depressed afterwards and forget to take the meds. Yeah.” Fumbling with the cup, the slim man took the milk out of the fridge and poured some into his coffee. “Anyways, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have gone batshit on you.”

“It’s- okay,” Hyungwon replied, eyes wide. He read about bipolar people because it was in the leaflet that he was forced to read back in school when his parents went to a therapist with him for the first time. He still didn’t know shit, but he also didn’t want the other man to be forced to explain only because Hyungwon didn’t know anything.

“I’m sorry- I don’t really know much about it,” he commented eventually and hoped it was okay to be dumb.

“It’s okay, I’ll tell you about it if you like. Do you want a coffee too?” Sitting down, Hobi pointed at the packed cups and smiled.

“I mostly packed everything and I already drank one, so I am good, but thank you!” He nodded to support his words and thought about what to do with himself because Hoseok had already removed the rest of the chairs. Blinking a few times without a solution, he eventually pulled himself up on the counter and swung his long legs.

“Please tell me, but only if you don’t mind talking about it,” he replied and gestured for Hobi to go ahead and drink his coffee.

“Hoseok found out. It was six or seven years ago, I was nineteen back then and he was in the middle of his studies. There were a few situations and he recognized it and helped me find a therapist and was there for me every fucking day for years. It’s a mood disorder. I have phases where I’m manic, overly excited, awake, active and run around screaming bullshit, cursing at people, spending money and having meaningless sex even though I don’t usually- yeah. And then after that I’m depressed, want to bury myself and never come out, don’t want to do anything or speak to anyone, think that I’m worthless trash and shouldn’t have been born. It’s a wild ride. I came down from my hypomanic phase a few days ago, so now I’m in the middle between both. I guess it’s what’s left when I’m neither manic nor depressed. But I can dance well when I’m like this. I know for sure how my performance is and it’s nice to have a realistic view on things. That’s why I need my camera back, I always record my performances when I’m okay. That was my monologue. How about you? How did you and Hoseok meet? He’s usually not someone to hang around with other people.” Hobi sipped on his coffee and crossed his legs. He was slim, similar to Hyungwon, only in shorter.

_Good luck with that one._

He shifted on top on the counter and sucked his lips into his mouth, making them disappear and hoping that it didn’t make him look like a fish with glasses.

“I- wow. That was a lot of information. About… your dancing. Do you think it is really good when you are manic and really bad when you are depressed? Like- would you dance naked on the desk and think you’re doing well even when you’re not when you are manic?” he asked and hoped that it distracted from how he had met Hoseok. Hyungwon already had an idea how to explain it, but he needed a little more time to formulate it right.

_Also it tells you that dancing on the desk to seduce Hoseok might not be the best idea._

Hobi laughed loud and low, mouth opening wide and eyes turning to crescents.

“I see, you’re really funny. I guess Hoseok laughs a lot with you, it’s nice, really. I’m a professional dancer, I choreograph for celebrities all over the world and lead a dance team of forty people. You have a really nice body form, you should come over to dance some time. We have different styles, mostly hip hop and modern, but you can try out what fits you. Back to your question, I guess I dance the same, but think that I’m the best when I’m manic, and think that I should stop dancing all together when I’m depressed.”

A smile passed his lips at the memory of Hoseok’s face when he had called him ‘honey’, bright and genuine. That was until he thought about dancing.

_You even skipped the prom because of dancing. Well, and depression._

Hyungwon laughed nervously and imagined himself face planting in front of a crew of forty people. He couldn’t even walk properly most of the time, dancing would have been a whole new world.

“I- can’t even walk properly, Hobi,” he murmured and fixed his glasses, keeping them from slipping down his nose. “You’d have to teach me to walk first by holding my hand.”

“Romantic. Hoseok will kill me.” The older man chuckled lowly and gestured at him. “But your body is fine, you don’t need to be able to walk to be able to dance. We have people who can’t do anything else besides dancing, but it’s okay. I’m like that too, don’t worry.”

_Everything has a spectrum and you are pretty damn high on the ‘can’t walk’ spectrum._

“You don’t look like you’re too dumb to walk though, unlike me,” Hyungwon pointed out and shrugged, wiggling his legs. “I’m safe like this, but maybe I could if you show me step by step, hold me up and stuff. I learned how to Waltz once, that’s basically the only thing I can do without falling on my face, and popping out a shoulder.”

“Get up.” Hobi jumped from the chair and reached for his wrist, pulling him from the counter. “Put your leg like this and swing your hips once.” The shorter man curled his hand around his thigh and put it in position before demonstrating the movement himself.

Hyungwon’s eyes widened a little and he glanced around in habit, to make sure nobody was watching apart from the slim man next to him, moving like a fucking snake.

“I doubt that’ll work,” he muttered and changed the angle of his leg, emphasizing his hip. It felt a little funny to do it, especially while being watched. Biting down on his bottom lip, he closed his eyes and rolled his hips, hoping that he could return to his counter in shame now.

“Wooow. I like it when I’m right about my intuition. And now stretch out your arm and move it along to your hips.” Again the older man pulled up his arm and demonstrated another movement, more complex and only for people with good coordination.

_So not for you._

“Fuck my life,” he hissed and closed his eyes again because it was easier when he didn’t see his beanpole self and the way the older dancer looked in comparison. He might have felt confident when he was alone and there was nobody to judge, but Hobi was a real dancer, obviously, moving like a ribbon in the air, all flexible.

Inhaling sharply, he held his breath and tried it, rolling his hips and pairing it with his thin arm, probably resembling a beanpole shaking in the wind, pseudo-sexily.

“Shit, I dig this. Can you come for a trial-training on Friday? I really need a tall guy, but we’re all dwarfs. I can’t believe fate is being good to me.” Smiling, Hobi stepped back again and nodded to himself before taking a sip of his coffee. “You can move really well, wow.”

“What- what are you even talking about, Hobi?” Hyungwon was really confused at this point and quietly returned to his spot on the counter, bouncing his legs a little to distract from the way a small spark of hope appeared in his head, telling him he might be able to dance because a professional person said he’s good. “You’re just being nice or desperate, right?”

“Are you depressed? You can move really well, Hyungwon. Your name was Hyungwon, right? Anyways, you can come train with me at first if you feel weird with a lot of people around. We have some who like training alone, but if you want to learn something it’s better to train with someone who is experienced, you know? If you don’t feel comfortable with me, we have a lot of good dancers who can train with you, if you like. Dancing is so nice, really.” The older man looked dreamy, arms and legs performing a dance-movement as he sat down on the chair. It appeared gracious and Hyungwon could have watched the other man for ages.

_He means it, he wants you to try out dancing, Hyungwon._

His eyes widened and the air got stuck in his lungs, shocked that somebody who had insulted him, even if not on purpose, was inviting him to try out dancing because he had talent.

“Oh god, do you really think that? Please don’t say it now and then stomp on the confidence that has risen from the ashes. I wasn’t this depressed when I met Hoseok though, I swear, I was all cute and just cooked and cleaned his stuff.” Brushing through his hair, he fixed his glasses again and chewed on his cheek. “I’ll need contact lenses or I’ll break my glasses and my nose at the same time.”

“I’m wearing contacts.” The brown-haired man chuckled. “Okay, but how did you manage to make Hoseok move out? He is very- how should I say it- I told him back then that he’s married to his loneliness. He doesn’t change easily and he has very strong opinions on certain things, like not sharing his concerns because the people around him have ‘enough of their own problems’.” The older man sighed and looked sad all of a sudden.

“I told him to share with me,” Hyungwon muttered and tried to rephrase it better than sounding like he forced the older man. “He- he didn’t want to sleep with me and kept saying it’s because I’m too young, but I told him that he underestimates me and then he got sad and told me it’s not because I’m too young, but because he’s scared I’ll leave. I’m not really sure what to do about that to be honest. He still takes his time.”

His face felt hot, but not because he was embarrassed about having issues, but because he was talking to somebody to whom sex must have been pretty meaningless, at least considering the way he acted during a manic phase.

_But he said that’s not him._

“I- I don’t know if you even want to hear all this.”

“I had the same problem with him because he thought I couldn’t decide for myself due to my issue. My condition, you know? It was really frustrating and we fought a lot, especially in my manic phases because my libido is no joke and I wanted him every two hours. You can’t believe how persistent he can be. But considering your problem, I think that it’s his head. He often overestimates problems or issues. He doesn’t talk to anyone about it, so no-one can tell him that his imagination is wrong and that the problem is actually not that bad. I guess if you have mental health issues it adds up, because he doesn’t want to burden you with his stuff. His mind… it must be a living hell to be honest.” Again his guest sighed and drank the rest of the dark-brown liquid in one go.

Hyungwon felt a little bad for talking about Hoseok behind the older man’s back, discussing him and his opinions, but Hobi was right. There was no way for him to access Hoseok’s thoughts, only when he reached the edge and the black-haired man cried in his arms, apologizing for his behaviour and for his inability to think differently. Hyungwon didn’t want it to always escalate, he wanted to know what was happening and how he could help before Hoseok had a breakdown.

“Hobi, I- I’m sorry for asking a very personal question, but- how old were you when you- ehm- slept with somebody for the first time? I am sure about my feelings and about what I want, but Hoseok is so good at sounding reasonable that I end up doubting myself and I don’t want to, I want to know how to help him before I end up thinking I’m terrible.”

“Ah, I know this feeling too well, I also ended up feeling terrible. I had sex for the first time when I was 16. Must’ve been a manic phase. Or not. I can’t really remember, but Hoseok was always so super careful, I think it’s an issue too. Sure, I have a problem, yes I’m bipolar and I go crazy sometimes and want to disappear at others, but it doesn’t mean that he has to walk on tiptoes around me and feed me pre-chewed candy. I can handle my friend’s or partner’s issues pretty well. Often I’m even able to help because my way of thinking is a different one. You know, we all have our strengths and weaknesses and it’s okay. Mental health is just a part of it. I guess he’s like this because he hasn’t experienced it and is confronted with very serious cases at work. Still, tell him. Tell him that you don’t need to be handled with kid-gloves. You seem okay to me.” Inspecting him closer, Hobi nodded to himself again. It must have been a habit and the sight amused Hyungwon a little, reminding him of his past self as Won.

“What- makes me seem okay to you?” he asked next and tilted his head a little. He was really thankful for the input, for the clear and structured way that Hobi expressed himself without using words that Hyungwon couldn’t understand. Hoseok was a little different there and it could be hard to argue when you didn’t understand half of the sentence.

_Also you feel a little dumb when that happens and don’t want to say you didn’t get it._

“Because you’re funny, running around wearing a ribbon and hiding lube. It’s kinda cool. But the coolest thing is that you can move well, but that’s selfishly motivated.” Grinning, the older man got up and pointed at the bedroom before moving in the direction of the hallway. “I’ll look for my camera. I can show you a video of me dancing back then, when I was in a good shape.”

Hyungwon giggled at that, holding his palm in front of his mouth and jumping down from the counter.

“That sounds really nice. Also, thank you for not sitting on Hoseok’s lap anymore, I got really upset when I saw that back then.”

_Shit, he couldn’t see you back then, you just kissed Hoseok and made Hobi uncomfortable._

“Ehm, mentally.”

The older man must’ve missed the last part and yelled an apology before coming back with a black camera.

“Look. You could do this too if you train for a few weeks, this one is easy,” the shorter man held the display in front of his face, showing him Hobi dancing in front of a mirror. It was gorgeous.

“Easy, my ass,” he whispered and leaned down to see better, elbow resting on Hobi’s shoulders, they were the perfect height. “You look amazing, everybody must like you so much.”

“That’s what I think when I have a manic phase. In reality there are not many people who can handle having me around, but it’s okay. I’m lucky enough to have a few who do. Life is always like this, you know, you just need to find those few people who can handle you to be happy. Except Hoseok, he needs to understand that his competence and willingness to help are not what make him worthy, that there is something inside that would attract those few people independently of his kind behavior.” A specific movement caught the other man’s eye and he watched it again, pointing at his leg and nodding in satisfaction. “You can learn it easily, believe me.”

“Okay,” Hyungwon agreed because Hobi gave him the feeling that he probably knew better about people’s dancing potential than he did. In addition, his view was mostly biased. “You know, when I came to Hoseok I didn’t want him to help me. I just broke into his house, cooked for him, cleaned and told him I wanted to help him because he’s so miserable.” He laughed thinking about it now and kept smiling at the memory. He was happy that he did.

“You’re sure that you’re not bipolar? Sounds like something I would do. Apart from the fact that I would’ve probably sat down on him or something similarly crazy. Ah, good times.” Grinning, Hobi brushed his hair back in a smooth movement.

“Nooo, I was all cute, I touched his chest because it was nice and warm and didn’t think anything sexual while he got hard and suffered. I was a fucking flower,” Hyungwon replied and laughed, envying the other man’s motions. They looked so perfect and smooth, like moving through space was the easiest thing to him.

“Wow, the poor guy must be suffering. You do look like everything that he likes, but he also feels responsible and thinks adulting consists of protecting and not making a single mistake. Maybe you’ll manage to change it. He thinks he can’t afford to make mistakes, as if he’s some kind of guardian angel of people around him. Just that people like other people, and not guardian angels.”

Hyungwon’s eyes widened a little at the words, realizing the parallel to what had happened to him before. He had wanted to be a guardian angel, maybe even a slave to make sure that Hoseok was happy and satisfied, but turning back into a human was what had changed it for good.

“You are really nice, Hobi,” he muttered and squeezed the other man’s shoulder carefully. He was touchy but tried to be careful about it as not everybody liked to be touched all the time. “I’ll- I’ll come on Friday and will try it out. Can it only be us two at first though? I’m- really shy.”

“Oh my god, this is amazing, so cool! No problem, I wanted to train alone anyway and like this we can do some stuff I need to remember anyway. I’m not shy in general, but I’m shy when I return to a situation or a person after doing something stupid during one of my phases. It’s a thing. We all make mistakes, right?” The older man patted his shoulder and packed the camera into his bag. “Okay, I have to get going, will you tell Hoseok thank you from me? And see you on Friday! Thank you for overlooking my crazy shit. I’m thankful, really.”

Hyungwon nodded slowly and smiled. He could understand that, he had done so many crazy things while not being himself and Hoseok had also been very accepting of everything, even his teenagy behaviour and complaints.

“Thank you for explaining and taking the time. I’m also sorry for calling you a bastard, a little.”

“I probably deserved it and I can’t remember being hurt, so it’s okay. Take care, Hyungwon.” Waving cheerfully, the slim figure disappeared down the stairway as the door closed.

Hyungwon thought about his boyfriend’s ex-boyfriend and felt really weird, a little overwhelmed even by the sudden dancing appointment and the fact that he had learned more about Hoseok than he could have squeezed out over several weeks. He felt like he had been given a feather instead of a gun and could tickle the right spots now.

_That’s a shitty metaphor, Hyungwon._

Sighing, he returned to the kitchen and continued sorting cups, staring at nothing in particular and thinking about how to tell Hoseok that he didn’t need to treat him like a piece of glass that could break from blowing at it.

He heard the key turn in the lock and Hoseok’s steps as the older man entered the kitchen, carrying another load of cardboard boxes.

“Is this for me?” he asked playfully and smiled.

Hyungwon pointed at the box he was packing until he saw a little bit of red shimmer in the corner of his eye and remembered that he was still wearing the red ribbon.

“Y-yeah, I wanted to be a present, do you like it?” he asked and turned around, leaning against the counter and rubbing his right foot over the kitchen floor in circular motions.

“You look beautiful and adorable at the same time. You are a present, even without wearing the ribbon. Also, random fact, it’s from a buttplug sale, they wrapped every toy in a red ribbon for Valentine’s day.” Hoseok grinned brightly and stepped closer, unwrapping him like a present.

“You shouldn’t stop unwrapping me,” he whispered and licked over his lips, watching Hoseok’s face intently. He held the gaze as he lifted his arms above his head, very slowly to be able to read the older man’s response to it. Hoseok looked intrigued, eyes not leaving his before they jumped to his hands, arms, eyes and lips.

“You look stunning,” the black-haired man murmured and rubbed his palms over the fabric of his jeans.

“Open me up then,” Hyungwon repeated and licked over his lips again, feeling the tension rise in the air and his own skin heating up. He let the fingers of his right hand wrap around his left wrist carefully, stroking along the warm skin.

“And then?” The broad figure came closer and he felt the other man’s exhales against his lips.

“Then you are going to make me yours, just like I know you want to.” His gaze was focused and determined as he let his tongue touch Hoseok’s briefly, following the curved line of his upper lip.

“But I can also take you into my mouth, or touch you differently. Why do you want me to make you mine? It’s not some discovery channel documentary. You’re next to me because you want to be, I don’t need to make you mine for that.” Hoseok spoke quietly, due to the close proximity between their faces.

_There he goes again, keeping the distance like it is necessary._

“Because I want to be close to you, as close as possible. I want to look you in the eyes and know that we are feeling the same thing at that exact moment, that we are as close as we possibly can be and I want to have a shared experience with you like that, feeling pleasure together and because of each other. It’s- it feels so one sided if you only pleasure me and pretend like you don’t need anything. Do you think I need special treatment, Hoseok? Am I so broken that I’m not allowed to be close to the person I love? Who are you to make such a decision for me? You can only decide for yourself. If you-” Hyungwon swallowed, but kept his arms above his head. “If you don’t want to be close to me, then I understand. If you're struggling and feel like something happens to you that you aren’t ready for yet, that's okay. But if the reason is me, then I don’t want that, Hoseok. I want _you_.”

“But what if I make a mistake? If I do or say something and can’t foresee the consequences? What if you- decide to leave because of it?” The older man closed his eyes and stepped back, breathing heavily.

“Hoseok, what if I make a mistake? What if I cut my palm and scare you again? I don’t want to and I don’t plan on doing it, but both of us could make a mistake, it’s not only you. Being close to you is the time I feel the most, Hoseok, it is always so intense for me, like a whole different world. It’s… as if I leave the cage of my mind and enter a space that doesn’t belong to anybody and is for us to explore. There is nothing you could do wrong, nothing that we cannot solve by talking. Why would I want to leave because of something that makes me feel unburdened? Your thoughts don’t make sense at all, Hoseok.” He stepped closer and lowered his arms to grab the seam of his t-shirt and pull it over his head. Keeping it at his wrists he slipped Hoseok’s head through the space between his arms, and pulled the older man closer. “You’re only scared, but how is it going to get any better if you keep running away from it? Won’t you just believe it to be worse than it is and keep believing it because you ran in the first place, so it was worth it?”

Hoseok swallowed and started chewing on his lips, hands wrapping around his waist hesitantly.

“Yes. Anxiety works like that. I don’t know what’s the best in this kind of situation, even though I should. I don’t think that you’re broken, but I’m scared to burden you and to make a mistake. I am, because I’m so close to you that it feels like dying if I think of you not being next to me, Hyungwon. I’m fucking terrified.”

_He’s scared, you have to take his fear, to make him confront it and show that it’s not necessary. There is nothing for him to be afraid of._

“But by not daring you are only keeping me away from you, Hoseok,” he whispered in reply and kissed the older man’s curved lips softly. “Why would you already act as if you don’t have me if I am right here? Why would you keep yourself away from me like this if you actually want to be close to me? Can’t you let me take your fear? I can do it, I promise, without burden, just through wanting to be close to each other.”

“I keep dreaming about you dissolving into thin air while telling me that you made me happy and can leave in peace now.” Hoseok froze in place, teeth sinking into his bottom lip and eyes staring straight ahead.

_He’s terrified that you will leave because you wanted to back then, convinced you only need to make him happy._

“But- but I was wrong, Hoseok. I couldn’t have disappeared like that, it wouldn’t have worked. It was something that I invented for myself, to have a reason to stay. I- I watched you when I was me, before becoming Won.” Hyungwon swallowed, nervous about revealing it for the first time. He had been worried that Hoseok would give himself the fault for his misery and had therefore decided against telling Hoseok why he had come to him. “I came to you for a reason, I thought helping somebody was a good enough reason to stay, something that made me worthy.”

“You watched me? How come I can’t remember you? But your thought of being worthy is something that I can relate to very well.” Sighing, the older man closed his eyes again, as if he was scared to show his expression.

“You helping me isn’t the reason I fell in love with you, Hoseok. Doesn’t that mean there is more to you than your desire to help others?” Hyungwon tightened his embrace and dug his fingers into the fabric of his t-shirt that still kept his arms connected behind Hoseok’s head. “You couldn’t remember me because you never saw me. I watched you from afar, sitting on a bench and thinking about when to approach you and talk to you. Only, I never dared.”

“Did you try to get help?” the low voice asked as Hoseok pulled him closer by the grip on his waist. Hyungwon nodded slowly, hoping that the black-haired man wouldn’t take the blame for him giving up in the end.

He could remember it so well, the way he had come to the same bench for a whole week, sitting down on the cold wood and watching the entrance to the white building he knew so well by now. He had waited there until the man he had been hoping to talk to stepped out, hurrying to the tram. There were always a few minutes, minutes during which Hyungwon could have had the possibility to talk to him, to take that first step and attempt to get help, but he never dared, remaining on the bench and watching quietly as the tram drove away.

“But why did you come to me? Why not someone who walked out of my office? They need it way more than I do.”

Hyungwon shook his head, placing another kiss on Hoseok’s warm lips. The day he had given up on talking to the older man was what had changed his mind.

“I didn’t think so, because I didn’t see their misery, but I saw you, crying on your way home.” He swallowed and sucked his bottom lip into his mouth, running his tongue over the texture before continuing, “That was when I decided that even people who help others can suffer, that you need help too, only differently and that it would be a burden to talk to you. But I hope you know that what happened isn’t your fault. I am glad that I saw you, because I stopped thinking that I was the only one in a terrible situation back then, suffering all by myself while everyone else was doing great. When I came to you as Won, getting help from you was the last thing on my mind, because it didn’t fit in. I was convinced that I could help you instead, that your problem was something that a person like me might have been able to solve.”

Suddenly the older man’s eyes were filled with tears, thick drops falling between them.

“I know when it was. It was January. January 1st, I didn’t work on that day and the hospital called because one of my patients committed suicide. I went to the office to look at the files and tried to find my mistake for hours, but it simply didn’t make sense and I went home. I guess that was the day you saw me. I should’ve worked, maybe it wouldn’t have happened because she would’ve had a place to go to.”

“You’re wrong,” Hyungwon whispered and tightened his embrace. “You will never know what was going on inside her head, Hoseok, never fully, even if you were her therapist. If somebody asked me now why I went to the forest to disappear, I couldn’t pinpoint a single person that was at fault, or a single factor that would have to be different for me to do something else. Maybe it could have helped her, but maybe not. You will never know, Hoseok, and there is nothing you can do now. For me- I don’t think I would have talked to you, even if you hadn’t been crying that day. Instead, I might have just watched you, watched you silently until I decided that it was enough. If- if I hadn’t seen you cry back then I- I might not have turned into Won. I might have been gone.”

“My brain…” Hoseok sobbed before catching himself again. “My brain doesn’t understand it. I have no idea how you came to me and how you could do all those things and why I don’t have to worry anymore. It simply knows that people disappear. They disappear while existing and they disappear and stop existing. That’s it.”

“But why would you act like they are already gone, Hoseok?” Hyungwon leaned in and kissed the salty tears from the older man’s face, starting at his chin and slowly moving up to his cheeks and finally his eyelids. “I’m right here, Hoseok, with you. I’m not going anywhere, not unless you want me to.”

“I don’t want you to leave. I’m scared of you leaving. I don’t want to be happy if it means that you will be gone. You are breathing next to me now, but what if you stop, what if you turn cold and then walk out of the door without pushing the handle? What am I supposed to do then? I don’t even know where to search for you besides the forest you showed me. But you probably won’t be there. Fuck.” Hoseok sank down, removing Hyungwon’s shirt from around his neck and buried his face in his arms.

Hyungwon's breath hitched at the sheer fear that Hoseok had of him disappearing. He forced himself to inhale though, to show Hoseok that he was fine, that he was breathing, touchable. He was with him and not going anywhere, not unless Hoseok forced him to leave.

"I don't think I can go back, Hoseok. I- I tried, back when I saw that nobody looked for me and when Hobi told me those things. I tried to return the cold and to stop feeling, but I wasn't able to. It's gone forever, I think. You warmed me up for good."

Even when Won's abilities had begun to fade because he warmed up and Hyungwon's memories returned, it had been the negative thoughts that returned the cold. It wasn't the case anymore.

Hoseok didn’t say anything and kept sobbing quietly while hiding his face, his broad back trembling once in a while.

It hurt to see the usually composed man like that and the sight reminded Hyungwon of back then, of the way the older man had been standing at the tram stop in the rain and couldn't control his tears.

His own eyes burned as he sank down and wrapped his arms tightly around the broad body, stroking the black hair and whispering calming words. Anything that he hoped would help. He told Hoseok that he loved him, that he wasn't going to leave, that they would move into the new apartment together and make it their own, turn it into a special place. They were going to do so many things and nothing could stop them.

“Maybe I'm the one who’s broken.” Hoseok sobbed and lifted his face, eyes red and filled with tears. “You know, you told me that you're broken, I don't think so. At least you allow yourself to feel without thinking you'll kill a person by not being there or burdening them with your irrelevant bullshit. You're normal, Hyungwon, because you allow yourself to be devastated and sad, feel pain." Biting down on his bottom lip, the older man wiped away a few tears that rolled down his pale cheeks.

"But why don't you allow yourself to feel pain too, Hoseok? I also think my pain is irrelevant bullshit, that's why I didn't look for help. Maybe- maybe we are better at solving other people's problems than our own, I could just- solve yours while you solve mine, mmh?" He continued stroking over the soft black hair and kissed the tears away, hoping that Hoseok understood what he meant. "This is okay right now, do you hear me? You can cry in my arms and you can feel terrible, as much as you want, because it's okay."

“But what about you? Won’t you feel more pain like this? Am I not increasing your agony by pouring my own all over you. You have enough to deal with, why would you listen to my first world problems, Hyungwon? Why? I’m not a psychotherapist for nothing, I’m there to help people who suffer, not burden them with my shit.” He had never seen the older man like this, crying like a baby and hugging his knees desperately.

"But that is only what you think. Have you never thought that it might also bring me joy to help you, to listen to you and know that you trust me because you're opening up to me? I love you, Hoseok, and you said yourself that I'm not your patient. You can't share with them, but why wouldn't you share with me? Aren't I your second half?" Hyungwon let his fingers dance over Hoseok's nape, emotional about how vulnerable the older man looked, so different from his usual persona.

_You need to break it, to show him that he doesn't need to pretend with you._

“I don’t know how to do it. I only know how to be alone.” The dark eyes focused on his face, desperate and pain showing through the vulnerable gaze.

"Then you're going to learn it, like dancing, step by step." Hyungwon smiled at his own words, surprised that he had really agreed to do something. "I decided to try something and to learn and the same is going to be the case for you. You're not alone anymore, Hoseok, you haven't been alone for a long time at this point. It's time to drop the pretence."

Licking over his lips, Hyungwon leaned in and pressed his mouth against Hoseok's, tasting the tears.

“You could be a psychotherapist at this point,” Hoseok murmured and smiled through the tears, finally lifting his arms and wrapping them around his shoulders carefully. “I love you, Hyungwon. I’m sorry for being like this.”

"Don't be, just share with me when you have concerns or worries. It makes me happy when you do." The hug felt so relieving that Hyungwon only tightened his own grip, almost squishing the older man. The transition had been so fast, from arousal to tears, but it didn't matter. He was happy to be one step closer. “I love you too, I don't think I've loved like this before.”

“I also don’t think I’ve loved like this before. I think you’re special because you manage to make me cry.” Laughing, the beautiful black-haired man cupped his face and kissed his lips carefully. “I want to be close to you too. I do. I’m sorry for treating you like a child. You’re not.”

“Well, a fault confessed is half redressed.”

_It'll be fine, Hyungwon, you need to show him that he can share with you._

He wasn't going to be a guardian angel. He would be himself, a human that was there for another human.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Good Side Of Things came to an end.
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It was Friday and the moving company continued stacking boxes and carrying the new furniture into the spacious rooms. He felt weird, especially after throwing away so many things that he connected to specific experiences and emotions. The very intimate talk they had when he broke down and cried like a baby, lifted a heavy weight from his shoulders. Sure, he still had the same thoughts, he was still scared that he was a burden for others. For people who had other problems to deal with, but his appraisal was different.

Hyungwon was running around frantically and trying on a pile of clothes while posing in front of the huge mirror that the company had already put on the wall.

“Are you going to a model competition? You don’t seem to dress up for me.” Hoseok leaned against the doorframe and watched the beautiful, black-haired man look at himself in the mirror, fixing the strands on his forehead.

Hyungwon turned around quickly, wincing at the stretch on his neck and chewed on his cheek. He looked like he was hiding something, blushing a little and fumbling with his long fingers. “I’m- going to try something out. Something I probably suck at but wanted to try anyway. I was convinced.”

“Oh really? That’s nice! Do you need to dress well for that?” He tilted his head and watched the attractive young man turn in front of the mirror.

“Well, actually not. I have to dress comfortably, but I am trying to find a trade-off between ugly sweatpants and hot jeans. It’s not really working for now,” Hyungwon replied, dressed in ripped jeans and a plain t-shirt.

“Comfortable? How about you wear a pair with rips on your knees? Then you can move better. The black stretch ones we bought.” He was curious but didn’t ask on purpose, waiting until Hyungwon himself wanted to share.

“But what if I need to move on my knees? I’ll bruise them,” the black-haired boy muttered and sighed loudly, forehead resting against the mirror. “I feel unprepared. My previous life consisted of sweatpants, but now I don’t have a single pair. I don’t know- some hot tight ones. The muscle shit you always wear when you work out.”

“Ah. I have some.” Wiggling his eyebrows, Hoseok realized that the younger man was going to do something that required moving. Happy about Hyungwon working out, he searched for the right box and rummaged through it until he finally found the really tight pair of under armour pants, handing them to the stunning looking boy.

“That’s pretty good!” Hyungwon exclaimed happily and stuffed the pants into some random plastic bag. “I’ll take it like this then, maybe another t-shirt in case I end up being disgusting.” Shrugging, the black-haired boy chewed on his lips and wrapped his arms around him, long legs following right after, curling around his hips. “I’m excited and I hope I won’t suck. Shit. I’ll tell you if it works out, okay? And if it doesn’t we just pretend I never did this in the first place.”

“Okay. I trust you and I’m happy that you decided to do something even though I’m really curious what it is.” Smiling, he placed a kiss on Hyungwon’s lips and kept the touch for a few moments longer. Instead of allowing him to seperate, the younger man clashed their lips together again, long fingers sinking into the soft strands of his hair and tugging repeatedly while his other hand dug into the muscles of his back, holding on.

“Hold my thighs,” Hyungwon whispered and licked into his mouth, leaning over him by putting more weight on his shoulder with his forearm. Hoseok complied and curled his fingers around the lean thighs. He loved how the younger man’s firm muscles felt against his fingertips, nice and flexed. Leaning back a tiny bit, Hoseok licked over his lips and lifted his gaze hesitantly.

“You… turn me on so much.”

“I love it,” Hyungwon whispered with a smile and rolled his hips once, hot tongue licking into his mouth again. “You taste good, makes me want to have more.” The grip on his hair got firmer and the younger man tilted his head back, enough to attach his lips to his neck, nibbling on it with his teeth and sucking small patches of skin between his thick lips. “Moan for me.”

Hoseok hissed and focused on the sensation of the younger man's lips against his neck. Arousing was an understatement, so he moaned, tightening his grip on Hyungwon's thighs and walking towards the white wall until the stunning man was caught in between.

He could feel Hyungwon smile against his skin as the boy bit down lightly before soothing the spot with his hot tongue, touches becoming bolder and tugs at his hair increasing in frequency. The beautiful young man hissed at the way their proximity pressed the air out of his lungs and returned his attention to Hoseok’s lips, kissing him greedily.

“I fingered myself imagining it was you,” the low voice murmured. The boy’s face was a beautiful pink color and his big eyes were almost black with how the pupil took over the iris.

“Intriguing. I can’t imagine that your fingers managed to simulate me. You’d need a lot of them.” Grinning, Hoseok held the younger man’s narrow hips and rolled his body into him, back pressed against the wall.

“Probably nowhere- nowhere close,” Hyungwon gasped and threw his head back, exposing his gorgeous neck, “but not like I would know.”

“Would you-” Hoseok licked over his lips and suppressed the tingling anxiety in his stomach. “Like to know?” he finally asked and lifted his gaze hesitantly.

Licking over his lips, Hyungwon nodded slowly, eyes half-lidded and dark. He looked aroused and Hoseok could feel the boy’s heartbeat against his skin, hammering without rest.

“Show me.”

_You want to be close, Hoseok. He told you that you hurt him by holding back, by thinking that it’s what he wants. He wants you._

Swallowing audibly, he nodded while keeping his gaze on Hyungwon’s handsome face.

“Are you- ready?”

A small smile danced around the corners of Hyungwon’s mouth, lifting them up as the black-haired boy nodded and slipped closer by encircling his neck with his long arms, lean legs wrapping tightly around Hoseok’s hips. It was tight enough to apply friction to his groin. Exhaling against his curved lips, Hyungwon mouthed ‘fuck yes’.

“Good, then let me be close to you,” Hoseok whispered and waited a few seconds before clashing their lips together. He got drunk on Hyungwon’s warm body, his ragged breaths that were hitting the skin of his cheek while he rolled his hips and increased the sensations. His tongue travelled along the younger man’s neck, teeth sinking into it when the pleasure reached another high. It was the best feeling ever, to be able to let go and to do what he wanted to do for such a long time, without having to be scared.

“Shit,” the pretty boy groaned and rolled his head back, breaths becoming rough and interrupted by attempts to hold them, big hands trembling as they held onto his shoulders and kept pulling him closer, to reduce the space between them. “I want you so much, Hoseok, so so much, I think about it all the time, about the way you hold me and make me scream and touch me and how I can listen to the way you moan because you will love the way I feel and- fuck. I want you so much.” Hyungwon babbled, kissing his mouth and cheeks and rubbing his nose against the skin of his neck, desperate to be close and to connect their bodies. “Please be inside me.”

“Fuck, I want to so badly, I want you, I keep thinking about you, about your body and how attractive you are. You turn me on. So much.” Moaning loudly, he took Hyungwon and carried him to the plastic covered mattress that lay on the ground and fell over, hovering over the gorgeous black-haired man. His hands immediately slipped under the younger man’s shirt, playing with the tiny erect buds and enjoying the way the younger man looked.

Hyungwon didn’t hesitate to reach out for his chest, letting his big hands roam over it before he wrapped his fingers around the fabric of his shirt and pulled it up, all the way under his arms, whimpering when he couldn’t pull it off because Hoseok was busy touching him.

“I want you naked on top of me,” the black-haired boy muttered and tugged at his shirt again, long legs pulling their groins flush. “I want to connect, please.”

He made quick work with his clothes, fabric thrown around the mattress carelessly, before he was naked and started undressing the beautiful, black-haired man. Hoseok unbuttoned the blue jeans and pulled them down the other man’s legs slowly, watching as more and more golden skin blessed his sight and let the drool collect inside his mouth, as if Hyungwon was a dessert he wanted to eat. Long fingers helped him by removing the briefs too, taking them off right after the tight jeans, lips spread in a smile.

Hyungwon sat up and reached out for him with both arms. When the black-haired boy had a grip of his shoulders, he climbed on top of him and kissed his lips eagerly, slim arms wrapped around his neck.

“I love sitting on your lap so much, as if I belong here,” Hyungwon murmured and licked along his jaw and towards his collarbones, sucking the skin into his mouth while rolling his hips repeatedly, moans caught in between their kisses. The boy’s fingers didn’t pause, touching his back and arms, short nails digging into his skin and pulling his hair. It felt like Hyungwon’s hands were everywhere.

“I want you to sit on my face, Hyungwon.” He chewed on his bottom lip and wrapped his hands around the younger man’s waist, pulling him further up to support his words.

Instead of replying, the black-haired boy nodded quickly and pushed him back, all the way until he was lying on the mattress. Crawling up, Hyungwon turned around and placed his thighs on each side of Hoseok’s head, palms flat on his chest.

“Fuck, I’ve only seen this in porn. Is this okay?” the younger man asked carefully and scratched over his chest, thumbs rubbing over his nippels in circles.

“Yes, it’s perfect, come on, give me your pretty ass,” he hissed and pulled Hyungwon down on to his face, licking over his entrance and increasing the pressure against the sensitive skin.

“Fuck,” Hyungwon gasped before moaning and falling forward a little, weight resting on his hands on Hoseok’s chest. The black-haired boy was applying pressure and running his hands all over his muscles, moaning at the sensations that Hoseok’s tongue was blessing him with while his thighs quivered. It was gorgeous.

Hoseok had enough of the teasing and pushed his tongue inside the younger man’s body, enjoying the contractions and Hyungwon’s pretty, low moans that drove him crazy and made him twitch.

Suddenly he could feel the black-haired boy bend his back and lean forward without breaking the contact with his tongue. Inhaling sharply, Hyungwon reached for his thighs and pulled them up before wrapping one hand around the base of his erection and covering the tip with his plump lips. Only a second passed before the black-haired boy started sucking intently, moaning because of the way Hoseok’s tongue felt.

“I’m insane, I want you so much,” he murmured before covering his finger in saliva and pushing it into Hyungwon’s tight ass. “How does it feel?” he asked, curling the digit downwards and rubbing against the sensitive spot.

“Fuck, Hoseok, yes, just like that-” Hyungwon moaned and tried to push down against his finger. The younger man sounded breathless already, exhaling against his erection before he covered it with his lips again and sucked on the tip, tongue digging into the slit while his thighs trembled.

Moaning at the sensation and the pleasure that kept coursing through him, he slipped another finger inside and stretched a little, while trying to brush over the sensitive spot.

“Shit, let me prepare you for me. I need the lube, it’s in the second box on the right, could you get it for me, baby?” Hoseok smiled and removed his fingers, placing a kiss against the younger man’s entrance.

Hyungwon hummed and let go of Hoseok’s erection, crawling down and towards the boxes, body beautifully on display. Opening the box Hoseok had mentioned, the black-haired boy fumbled around a little bit until he found a red bottle and held it out towards Hoseok, kissing the lid with a smile. Crawling all the way back, Hyungwon threw his slim body on the mattress and spread his legs wide, right hand holding the lube out for Hoseok to take.

“Make me ready for you,” he murmured, and sucked his lips into his mouth, pupils blown.

“Can I- use a toy? I wanted to put it into your body, fuck your mouth and then fuck you. Would you like that?” he asked and glanced towards the box with his sextoys.

Hyungwon’s eyes widened a little, but he nodded eagerly, hands reaching behind his knees to lift his legs and plump lips red from chewing on them the whole time.

“Do it.”

_Do it, Hoseok._

Smiling, he walked to the box and pulled out the thick dildo before going back and lubing the toy sufficiently.

“You have to relax, okay? It’s not as big as me, but it’s a lot to take after two fingers,” Hoseok commented and circled the younger man’s entrance.

“It looks pretty big to me,” Hyungwon murmured and sucked his lips into his mouth, visibly attempting to relax as the muscles in his thighs loosened a little and Hoseok could see the boy’s ass convulse a few times. “Is this the right time to say that the biggest thing that has ever been inside me is a baby banana?”

“Oh. That’s not a lot. Would you like to do it yourself? Tell me if it hurts or if it’s uncomfortable, okay?” Hoseok looked at Hyungwon’s position and thought about it. “Turn around. On all fours.”

“Oh, okay,” the black-haired boy muttered and Hoseok could see his thighs relax properly for the first time since he told Hyungwon to relax. Releasing the grip around his legs, the younger man turned around and kneeled in front of him, ass in his direction and head tilted downwards to see what he was doing by peeking between his legs. “Your thighs look so hot, damn. Also- I really like how you look when you are aroused, your dick I mean.”

“Thank you. I’m pretty confident about it, except when I have to think about my partner’s mental health and consider whether fucking is okay,” he murmured in reply and started circling the toy around the younger man’s tight entrance.

“It’s perfect, you should totally do it, ten out of ten approved,” the black-haired boy babbled and spread his legs a little wider, relaxing as Hoseok had asked him to. After a few seconds, he saw Hyungwon relax sufficiently for him to push the broad tip of the dildo inside. It was lubed pretty well, so it wasn’t a problem to push it further. Leaning down, he looked at Hyungwon’s face, before slapping his ass once.

The black-haired boy had his eyes closed and mouth opened at the breech, breathing through his nose until the slap forced his eyes to open wide and a moan to pass his lips, loud and unrestrained. Apparently it had been loud enough to surprise the younger man himself as he lifted one palm to cover his mouth and almost fell to the side, gasping loudly.

“Fuck, that feels kinda nice actually,” Hyungwon muttered, probably to himself, and blinked a few times until he saw Hoseok staring at him, eyes widening a little and blush obvious. “Oh god.”

“You look fucking hot, Hyungwon. Shit. I want to slap your pretty ass again, just to hear you gasp. Do you want me to push it further?” he asked and his dick twitched at the sight.

“If there’s space, go ahead,” Hyungwon replied and inhaled through his nose, body twitching around the toy.

“You’re adorable.” He let his left hand travel along the younger man’s spine, tracing it and waiting until Hyungwon relaxed a bit more and the toy disappeared in Hyungwon’s body, only leaving the ring outside to pull it out later. He slapped the firm ass as soon as he was finished and bit down on his bottom lip. “So… would you like me to fuck your mouth, or would you like me to suck you off?”

“Fuck my mouth,” Hyungwon replied quickly, even before Hoseok had finished his sentence and shifted a little, body trembling and evoking a loud hiss. “Shit, I feel so full, every shift of my body feels like somebody’s stabbing right where it feels good.”

“Wait for it,” Hoseok murmured and crawled forward until his groin was directly in front of Hyungwon’s gorgeous face. “Take me,” he whispered.

Lifting his head, the younger man licked over his mouth and met his gaze before parting his lips and taking the tip, sucking on it intently and rubbing his tongue right where it felt good. When Hoseok didn’t react immediately, Hyungwon moved his head forward himself, bridging more of his length and sucking his way closer to his groin.

Reaching for the black hair, he took a fistfull and pulled the younger man’s head against him, moans unrestrained and low. He missed the way he sounded when he felt pleasure without any thought. It was such a turn on, how Hyungwon stumbled on his knees and took him as far as he could. Hoseok couldn’t wait to be close, to connect their bodies and to feel how the handsome man reacted to him filling him out.

Hyungwon kept moaning around his length whenever he moved a little, body shifting and changing the angle at which the toy pushed inside of him, stimulating him differently. Holding his breath, he felt the pretty boy slip further, taking more of his erection continuously until he moved a little back and tried again, pushing his tip along his throat until he felt plump lips against the smooth skin of his groin. Pulling right back, the black-haired boy sucked air into his lungs greedily to recover. Hyungwon played with his tip until he tried to take all of him again, moaning lowly.

“You’re doing so well, fuck. I want to see your face when I push myself inside you.” Hoseok groaned and repeated Hyungwon’s motion with his own grip, pushing his head against his groin and letting go again. “Are you ready?”

Hyungwon was breathing through his mouth now, lips parted and watching him with black eyes.

“Fucking please,” he murmured and allowed his eyes to flutter shut, hands tightly holding onto the packaging of the mattress.

His erection was twitching repeatedly as he moved back and went behind Hyungwon, pulling out the toy carefully. The younger man must have really loved friction judging by the pretty moan that left his lips at the action.

“Would you like to sit on me?” he asked and threw himself on the mattress.

“I’d love to,” Hyungwon replied softly and crawled on top of him, smooth skin rubbing over Hoseok’s stomach and finally his erection as the younger man sat down. “I enjoy the way it looks, how smooth my skin is and how your skin feels against mine.” Stretching out his right hand, Hyungwon reached for the bottle of lube and poured some onto his palm.

“Is this enough?” he asked him, eyes opened wide and chest rising and falling. The younger man looked really aroused, dick painfully hard and twitching repeatedly.

“Yes, let me roll the condom over.” Reaching to the side, he took the packet and ripped it open, rolling the latex over his hard dick.

“You’re huge,” Hyungwon commented and giggled right after, lubing up his dick by stroking it a few times, especially over the tip. Lifting his hips, the younger man chewed on his cheek and stared down in concentration, holding onto the base of his dick as he lined up. It was adorable somehow.

“You have no idea how attractive you are, how beautiful and how much I want you right now. You don’t know how long I’ve waited to be close to you. I love you so much, Hyungwon. I love you.” Hoseok watched the gorgeous man on top of him and felt overwhelmed all of a sudden. Maybe it was because he wasn’t doing anything and had time to let the experiences sink in. “Melt into me,” he whispered and felt safe being vulnerable for the first time in years.

 

***

 

Hyungwon was excited, so fucking excited. His heart was beating and his whole body felt like it was on fire, like somebody had been jumping on the pleasure button without giving him a break. He couldn’t believe he was finally allowed to, finally able to be as close to Hoseok as he wanted to be, to feel the older man inside of him and hold his hands, to look him in the eyes and know that they were feeling something really similar at the same time.

Hoseok’s skin was warm under his fingertips as he let them run over the muscular chest, his other hand busy with lining the older man’s erection up with his body. Of course he was also nervous, worried that it might hurt or that he had underestimated Hoseok’s size. He had worries, but none of them were big enough to overshadow the fact that the black-haired man below him knew what he was doing and could probably tell when he was hurting him.

_That’s why he prepared you like this._

“I love you too, Hoseok, I can’t wait to be able to look at your face and know that you feel the same thing I do. I want to touch you and melt into your heat, give you mine while you give me yours,” he whispered in reply and leaned in to kiss the older man’s lips briefly, thighs still trembling in anticipation.

Pushing his hips downwards, he could feel the tip of Hoseok’s erection against his crack, wet from lube and hot against the skin of his behind. Chewing on his lips, he rubbed the firm length over his entrance, enjoying the way it felt and using it to relax a little, eyes focused on Hoseok’s face.

“You are stunning,” the older man whispered and reached for his face, stroking over his cheek, down his neck and stomach. “I hope that I can make you feel really good.”

“I’m a little nervous, but I’m sure you’ll make me forget all about that,” he replied and smiled before sucking his lips into his mouth and focusing on what he was doing. He had so much autonomy, he didn’t even know what to do with all of it. Rubbing over the head of Hoseok’s dick one more time, he applied a little bit of pressure to his entrance, feeling it give in with help of the lube. It was thick, way thicker than the toy and what he had before, but it was okay as long as he tried to relax and let it happen. His eyes fluttered shut at the friction and he rolled his hips once to change the angle a little and let the thickness slip into him right past the tip. He liked it, it was a lot but he liked how full it felt.

“Fuck-” he gasped and finally opened his eyes, meeting Hoseok’s.

“You’re so tight,” Hoseok hissed and rolled his eyes, head rubbing over the plastic and making it stick out in different directions.

“Does it- feel good?” Hyungwon asked and moved up again, rubbing the thick head over his insides and gasping loudly. He couldn’t even imagine how he would feel once Hoseok was completely buried inside of him. “Or- is it too much?”

“It feels as if you’re grabbing my dick and squeezing it but it feels so fucking nice. I have to suppress the urge to thrust inside you.” The older man smiled in apology.

Hyungwon smiled back before chewing on his bottom lip and trying some more, feeling the thickness rub over his entrance as it filled him out. Only by circling his hand around the base of Hoseok’s dick he could feel how much was already inside him. He couldn’t tell at all, it felt like a lot but it wasn’t.

“Can I use some more lube?” he asked and rolled his hips horizontally, almost screaming because he must have pushed against something nice. He didn’t even realize how his hips pushed down all by themselves, burying the older man deeper inside him. “Fuck, oh my god.”

“Did I rub you the right way, genie?” Hoseok grinned and opened the bottle, waiting for him to stretch out his palm. Shit, it felt so good, he felt almost dizzy from the blur of pleasure in front of his eyes and in his groin.

“Y-yeah,” he stuttered and tried to focus. His dick was twitching repeatedly and he had the suspicion that he wasn’t going to last long if Hoseok was going to push that spot more than once. Stretching out his trembling palm, he let Hoseok pour the liquid on it and used it to lube up what wasn’t inside of him yet. To his surprise it wasn’t all that much because of his almost automatic thrust downwards, wanting to feel more.

Reaching out, he grabbed Hoseok’s palms, intertwining their fingers and rolled his hips again, moaning loudly. It felt so good that he just pushed down, feeling the way his behind pressed against the soft skin of Hoseok’s groin and his body burned up.

“Fuck, I feel full, but I like it,” he babbled and forced himself to keep his eyes open and focused on the black-haired man’s gorgeous face.

“You feel amazing. I love how you contract around me and how your dick twitches as soon as you change the angle a tiny bit. Shit. Why are you such a turn-on?” Hoseok whispered and kept his gaze on him. Intense and attractive.

“Because you love me,” Hyungwon replied and lifted up, moaning loudly at the friction until he let his hips drop down, returning the pressure and fullness and forcing a bunch of white to cover his vision as he fell forward a little and scratched over Hoseok’s chest unintentionally. “Fuck, I’m sorry, I really am, but-” Biting down on his bottom lip, he repeatedly the motion, unable to help it. It felt so fucking good, he wanted to drown in the sensation and lose awareness, to feel nothing apart from Hoseok’s palms that he held onto again, nails digging into the back of the black-haired man’s hands. His hips seemed to move all on their own, slipping up only to drop down again.

Hyungwon’s body was so hot that he couldn’t really keep track of the rising pleasure, speeding up until it was too late and his whole body contracted and seemed to explode as he released himself on Hoseok’s chest. A loud scream left his lips, echoing through the empty apartment.

“Shit- shit, I’m so sorry,” he muttered and tried to catch his breath, unwilling to get up from Hoseok’s lap because he didn’t care about the sensitivity. It felt too good. “Don’t stop.” His face was burning from the pleasure and the fact that he had just released himself on the older man’s chest in a matter of seconds without any real motion involved.

Hoseok's face lit up in a smile and he told him to turn around. Hyungwon could see how the older man's chest rose and fell quickly.

Nodding, he turned around and still felt a little ashamed for covering Hoseok in his release that quickly. It felt a little weird not to see the older man’s face.

“W-why like this?” he asked quietly. He had only lifted up his hips while standing up because he knew that he was too tight to simply turn around on top of the black-haired man’s erection. It might have been painful for Hoseok, so he was safely sitting on the older man’s lap and facing the wall while still feeling ashamed and examining the gorgeous, muscular thighs.

Hoseok chuckled and shuffled behind him before curling his fingers under his thighs and letting him fall on top of his chest. The low voice vibrated against his ear while the older man's hands lifted his thighs in the air.

"I think you'll like this, baby."

“O-okay,” Hyungwon muttered and closed his eyes, still feeling a little dizzy but immediately aroused by Hoseok’s voice. It was embarrassing but the older man didn’t need to do much to get to him, a single touch, fingers around his thighs and the arousing low voice were perfectly sufficient. “Fuck me, Hoseok.”

Hoseok made sure that he was inside him properly and started thrusting upwards, repeatedly stabbing against the spot inside him that felt like a pleasure button at this point. Hyungwon screamed, not expecting the sudden onslaught of pleasure and didn’t know where to put his hands, scratching over the mattress and his own thighs, everything until he finally held onto Hoseok’s hips. It felt so fucking good, like his whole body had been reduced to the feelings inside of him, the continuous pleasure and fullness.

“Shit, yes, Hoseok, please,” he begged, not sure what he was begging for apart from more of what he already had. His whole body kept shaking and convulsing around the older man inside of him. He felt so close already and he had orgasmed only minutes go. “Fuck, you drive me mad. Please, fucking please.”

“Your response is straining my stamina,” Hoseok murmured in between the harsh breaths that kept leaving his mouth, before he felt a painful sensation against his neck. Hoseok bit him while repeating the arousing movements and slamming his lower body into him.

Hyungwon’s vision turned white again and he felt his whole body contract around the thickness inside him as he covered his own chest in his release this time, breaths ragged. His legs were trembling as Hoseok continued to move in and out of him. It felt so fucking good, better than he could have imagined.

“Please,” he murmured again, scratching over the older man’s thighs and trying to make him go faster after he had slowed down because of him. “Go fast.”

Hoseok tightened his grip and started moving so quick and rough that Hyungwon only felt himself shaking in the black-haired man’s strong arms as he controlled every movement, making him lose his mind. He screamed repeatedly, barely feeling his throat anymore with the sounds that left his lips and the trembles that passed through his legs. He whimpered with each deep motion and let loose, allowing Hoseok to handle his body as he liked.

He didn't know how much time passed, only that the movements suddenly stopped and Hoseok groaned his name, pushing himself in as far as he could and twitching inside him repeatedly.

“I can’t believe I came after fifteen minutes of fucking. You’re a miracle,” the older man murmured and covered his shoulder with kisses and tiny licks, strong hands suddenly stroking over his inner thighs, gentle like a feather.

“What do you- do you mean fifteen minutes?” Hyungwon babbled and tried to focus, failing miserably. His body was still burning, a little less with pleasure this time and he refused to open his eyes. “I can barely focus, fuck- I’m still sorry for coming all over your chest.”

“It’s fine, you can come over anything you like, babe. I meant that I came after being inside you for fifteen minutes. Usually I have more stamina. I guess I like you too much.” Hoseok chuckled and pulled out carefully, brushing over the sensitive spot all over again. “Didn’t you want to go somewhere? Or have you changed your mind?”

Hyungwon whimpered and flexed his muscles in response.

“Fifteen minutes sounds like forever to me,” he mumbled and simply wrapped himself around Hoseok’s body as soon as he was able to, dull pain remaining in his behind, but he knew that feeling from playing too much. Nothing major. “Right- fuck.” Suddenly he remembered that he actually wanted to go dance.

_Dance._

“Oh my god, how the hell am I supposed to move now?” he asked out loud and opened his eyes wide, finally seeing what was around him and lifting up on his arms on top of Hoseok’s chest. “Shit, I am such an idiot. Watch me embarrass myself.”

“You won’t embarrass yourself, but you might feel slight discomfort,” Hoseok murmured and smiled in apology. “Sorry for my weird way of saying things. Your ass will hurt.”

“I was just about to slap you,” Hyungwon replied and giggled loudly, rolling to the side and rising up on his knees. He could feel it, but it was okay. “I think I’ll be okay though, just a little awkward. I have happiness to compensate for everything else.”

_You’re fucking ecstatic._

“I’m so happy you finally touched me,” he murmured and leaned in to kiss Hoseok’s lips, loving the blush on the older man’s face. He looked really nice after orgasming and way calmer than Hyungwon felt. “Why are you so calm though? Are you afraid I will leave now that I know what it’s like? No fucking way, I am going to use that weird sticky tape you bought and stick myself to your thigh. Watch me!”

“No, I'm not scared,” Hoseok whispered and he finally saw that the older man had been looking at him all this time. “I'm in love.”

The words made him smile and he lay down again, wrapping his arms around Hoseok’s naked body and placing a kiss on his hot cheek.

“Me too.”

_

 

His legs hurt and he was breathing like he had been running a marathon. In addition, there was the dull pain in his behind as he finally sprinted up the several flights of stairs and met Hobi’s expectant face. The brown-haired man was lying on the ground, sweating profoundly and lifting an eyebrow at his arrival.

“Fuck, I’m sorry for being late, it’s-” He didn’t really know how to excuse himself, so he decided for vague, “stuff happened.”

Throwing the small plastic bag with his work-out clothes to the side, he sat down next to the older man and watched him for a few seconds, waiting for a reaction or a complaint about his late arrival.

"Stuff?" The older man laughed and waved with both hands. "You don't have to explain yourself. I'm not some obsessive dude. I'm glad that you came." Jumping up, Hobi smiled brightly and pointed at the changing room. "You can change if you like."

“Okay,” Hyungwon muttered and stood up again, wincing a little at the motion, but disappearing in the changing room faster than Hobi was able to comment. Taking off his tight jeans, he slipped into Hoseok’s work out pants, glad that they were also tight on his legs, and pulled the simple white t-shirt over his naked chest. Somehow everything felt a little surreal, finally being close to Hoseok, trying out something new that he wouldn’t have done before. It didn’t really feel like his life anymore, but he liked it. He enjoyed the changes.

“I’m done,” he commented when he stepped out and met the other man’s eyes again. He really hoped that he wasn’t going to embarrass himself this time.

"Congrats on the 'stuff'. Hoseok's pants look really good on you. I thought we would start with some leg work. I really dig your long legs." The shorter man positioned himself in front of the mirror and waited for him to do the same.

Hyungwon swallowed and wondered how well Hobi knew what ‘stuff’ was if he congratulated him on it. The other man seemed pretty cool though, not confronting him about it at all and just getting to the point. Following the way Hobi stood in front of the mirror, he joined in, staring at his own reflection and wondering how he felt about it. What he saw was the same thing that Won had seen back in the changing room of the shopping center. The features were all the same, only the judgement was different. Hyungwon felt the features were no good whereas Won had considered them attractive. It was his brain again, telling him that what he could see was no good when it obviously was.

“Do you think I look good, Hobi?” he asked quietly and adjusted how far apart his feet were standing to fit the brown-haired man’s posture.

“Yeah.” Hyungwon wore his contact lenses, so he could see the other man's slightly intimidating gaze, sliding over his body through the mirror. "Why? Does your brain tell you otherwise? Or is this flirting?"

“My brain, I don’t think I’d flirt with you and- my flirt game is shit.” Hyungwon chuckled and shrugged, wondering why he was so judgemental about his own looks.

"My depressed brain tells me that I suck at dancing, even though I'm not that bad. The flirting thing was a joke. You have Hoseok, there's no reason for you to flirt with me. And now move." The older man took a small remote and turned the music on, bass vibrating in his chest. Hobi started with a leg movement, fast and complicated, but repeated the single steps together with him, intimidating eyes watching him in the mirror throughout the whole thing.

At first Hyungwon was freaked out and genuinely scared of Hobi until he finally realized that the older man simply looked very serious when he danced and cared about each motion and that it was done properly. He wasn’t as bad as he had thought he would be judging by the frequent praise and the excitement on Hobi’s face whenever they moved on and he learned a new bit of choreography. Remembering all of it was the easiest. When Hyungwon fucked up it wasn’t because of the choreography, but because he was too dumb to walk.

After several hours of fun, torture and a mixture of both, he simply let himself fall to the ground and breathed heavily, sucking in the oxygen like it was a blessing.

_Now you know why he was lying here when you arrived._

“I feel like I died and was reborn in the same minute,” he muttered and turned his head to the side to look at Hobi. The brown-haired man laughed loudly and turned his head to look at him.

"You're really good, do you know that? I think it would be very cool if you could become a part of my crew. Of course you won't be able to dance in videos and performances during the first few months, but looking at your potential, you'll get there. Would you give it a thought?"

“Wait- you want me to join your crew?” Hyungwon’s eyes widened and he rolled over on his stomach to be able to lift on on his forearms. “After watching me dance for three hours with a burning ass? Really?”

“You’re a gay hero, the bottom of all bottoms. And yes, I want you to join my crew because I like your distinct style and the way you feel the rhythm. Would you consider? It would make me really happy. Also it was a lot of fun.” Smiling, the other man kept lying on his back, sweat running down his temples.

He ignored the first comment, because the second was much more important, making his heart beat and excitement bubble in his chest. It felt like there was something he was able to do, even if it wasn’t anything super intelligent.

“I- I really liked it,” Hyungwon replied quietly and brushed his sweaty bangs from his head. “If you accept me in the team then- I just hope I won’t disappoint you in the end. I’ll do my best, I promise!”

“Yes! This is amazing, I have to tell the guys,” Hobi exclaimed, but didn’t do anything. “Shit, I can’t move. I shouldn’t have danced for two hours before you came.”

“Seriously?” Hyungwon asked and lifted up on his knees before grabbing the older man’s right leg and raising it in the air like a flag. “Better? Or should I pull you up?”

Again Hobi laughed, loud and low, echoing in the practice room.

“You’re funny too, I forgot. Did you and Hoseok talk about the stuff you told me when I came for my camera?”

“Y-yeah, it was really emotional to be honest, but I think it helped. He was so scared that I would disappear. The circumstances under which we met were a little… strange, so his fear might be related to that,” Hyungwon replied and chewed on his cheek. It felt so weird because nobody would believe him, not the real story. “Thank you for helping me, really. We also moved into the new apartment! There is nothing apart from boxes and a wrapped up mattress, but I love it!”

“Doesn’t your skin stick to the plastic? Never mind, as long as you like it. I’m glad, I think Hoseok has a lot of anxiety that he doesn’t show and tries to deal with by eliminating every single eventuality.” The other Hoseok sat up and finally caught his breath.

“That doesn’t sound healthy. Maybe I should send him reminders all the time, like ‘stop thinking so much, dumbass’.” Hyungwon giggled until he realized why that wouldn’t have worked in the first place. “If I had a cellphone that is.”

“You… don’t have a phone? How is that possible? Also don’t tease him too much, he might get angry and tie you up naked before leaving you on the kitchen table. He did that with me once, I had to beg a lot.” Grinning, the older man jumped up and got two towels, throwing one in his direction.

Hyungwon swallowed at the images, but decided not to point out that he liked the idea, rubbing over his sweaty face and hair instead. Luckily he had clothes to change into.

“Yeah, I don’t have a cellphone. I don’t have anything to be honest. My wallet is only here because we dug it out of the forest.” He laughed loudly because his life sounded ridiculous when said out loud. Not like that of a typical nineteen-year-old, hanging around on social media and watching Netflix.

“Is it… an ideological decision? Because I kinda need to know your contact details if you don’t want me to call Hoseok every day and ask for you.” Hobi looked slightly uncomfortable.

“What- no! It’s just because I kinda got rid of everything. I-” Hyungwon swallowed, realizing that they were entering dangerous ground. “I didn’t think I would be there to need it anymore.”

“You got rid of everyth…“ Suddenly it was quiet and Hobi looked at him, dark eyes scanning his features, not judging, only understanding. There was also no surprise on the older man’s face, only something that resembled realization.

“I see. But you ended up needing it, am I right? So you should get one.” A smile appeared on the dancer’s handsome face. He looked very grown up. Grown up and kind.

“Yeah, I should probably get one. I’ll ask Hoseok. He’s kind of my sugar daddy right now.” Hyungwon chuckled nervously and shrugged again. It was kinda true at this point. There was literally nothing that he owned apart from a little money on a bank account he hadn’t looked at yet. Maybe it was also gone, because he hadn’t cancelled the contract of his dorm room. Maybe he should. “There is actually so much to do, but I keep pushing it. Fuck my life.”

“It’s the same with me, but when I dance I find motivation to do the things I usually can’t when I’m depressed. It’s really my lifesaver. Maybe it can be your lifesaver too? Who knows? I’m happy that you let me in and didn’t call me a bastard. Now you can dance with me instead.” Brushing his sweaty bangs back, Hobi pulled his sleeves up, revealing scars on his forearms.

“Maybe,” Hyungwon echoed as his eyes widened and followed the scar patterns. They didn’t quite reach his wrists. “I never really did that, I just- gave up. I’m still not quite sure how I ended up being here still.”

_Because it’s not natural, you should have been gone, but you woke up as something else instead._

“You’re here because it’s important that you are. Your brain doesn’t want to understand and doesn’t want to bear the pain, but it is necessary that you're here. Look at Hoseok for example. You probably thought that you were useless, but it’s not true. Without you he would still smoke after every session and cry, thinking another death is his fault. Now he can breathe. I hope at least. And I also hope that you feel better. As I said, dancing is really something that helps me live.” The older man listened to the music and made an amazing turn, appearing right before his face and grinning. “Really.”

“It is,” he echoed, mirroring the grin and finally stood up, brushing imaginary dirt from his legs. It felt really good to know what he was going to do in the next weeks, that he had something to focus on. “How do you know that he stopped smoking though? I thought that was my super secret info!”

“Ah, I didn’t know that he doesn’t smoke anymore! I thought he smoked while being happy, or something. Anyway, I have to create a choreography for a band, so my day isn’t over yet. Please get a phone and come for training tomorrow.” Hobi spread his arms and smiled. “I know well how everything seems when the blackness kicks in, but I hope that it’ll get manageable.”

Hyungwon wondered whether he was really invited to hug the other man and finally decided to combine the pleasant with the useful. Wrapping his long arms around Hobi’s neck, he cringed a little at how sweaty they were before clearing his throat.

“Can I borrow your phone to call Hoseok? He threw me into a cab on the way here, but I’m not sure how to get back.”

“Sure. Feel free. I don’t own a car, so I can’t drive you back. I also don’t know where your new apartment is, so here.” Handing him the phone that he picked up from the floor, Hobi focused on his reflection, moving his limbs like a snake to the music that he turned lower. Hyungwon wanted to look like that too when he danced.

_You also don’t know where your new apartment is though._

Laughing at himself, he looked through Hobi’s contacts until he finally found Hoseok and pressed the number, holding to receiver to his ear.

“Hey,” the older man picked up and his voice sounded so different from the way he talked to Hyungwon.

“Ehm, I’m too dumb to get home, could you pick me up?”

“Hyungwon? Are you with Hobi?” Hoseok sounded surprised, but didn’t say anything besides asking him for the location, which Hyungwon again didn’t know to well.

“Ehm, wait, let me ask, I’m not sure,” he murmured and tapped Hobi’s shoulder. Once he had the older man’s attention, he mouthed ‘address’ and hoped that the dancer could tell Hoseok.

“Tell him my old studio. He’ll know.”

“He said that it’s his old studio and you should know where that is. Do you want me to wait outside?” Hyungwon was curious how much time he had and whether there was enough for a quick shower to not feel disgusting after changing. Hoseok confirmed that he knew and told him that he’d call and would approximately need half an hour because he was in the middle of signing the papers with the transport company.

_Perfect._

Whispering a quick ‘I love you’ to not be embarrassing, Hyungwon ended the call and hurried to the showers at the back, getting ready and making sure he looked pretty in his tight jeans. He couldn’t do much about his hair, it just ended up fluffy and made him resemble a primary school kid, but such was life.

“Did Hoseok call?” he yelled as soon as he was back in the dance room, all excited because he couldn’t wait to share the fact that he was going to be dancing with Hoseok. Being invited into the dance team meant that he was good enough!

_Or Hobi has no fucking idea what he’s doing with letting you and your two left feet join._

“I’m here,” the familiar voice sounded as the black-haired man peeked around the corner. “I thought I’d come up and look at the place. I haven’t been here for two years. It looks amazing. Did you watch Hobi dance?” Hoseok asked and pointed at the other man who was too concentrated on his movements to pay attention to them.

Shaking his head, he ran over in a matter of seconds and wrapped his arms around Hoseok’s neck. Partially because he missed him a lot and partially because he wanted to hide his puffy hair.

“No, I- I danced actually,” he whispered and buried his face in the crook of the older man’s neck. “He was teaching me.”

“What? Really? Hobi thought you have potential? He told me a table can dance better than me and that I’m only good at talking like a book nobody understands but still wants to read because it’s fancy and kinda hot.” Hoseok chuckled and stroked over his hair affectionately.

“And thick,” Hyungwon added with a giggle and closed his eyes at the pleasant motion on his hair. “When he picked up the camera he told me I should come over and try it out because I have potential. Today- he actually asked me to join to team. What do you think? Is it- okay with you?”

“He even told you to join the team?” The surprise was authentic on the older man’s face, eyes turning wide and mouth forming an ‘o’. “Holy shit, this is amazing. You would like to do it? Did he tell you that he might… be a little weird at times?”

Hyungwon removed his head from Hoseok’s shoulder to meet the older man’s gaze properly, lips pressed into a thin line.

“Yeah, we talked about that in detail when he was in our kitchen. I’m fine with it and he also apologized for making me cry. He’s- really nice actually. I’d like to try it out, see if I’m any good at it.” He smiled a little and squeezed Hoseok’s shoulder, feeling a glimmer of hope in his chest that there might be something that he was good at after all. “He understands me a lot.”

The man in his arms hummed in agreement and leaned in, kissing him once.

“I told you, you can do whatever you like. It’s important to find something that makes you feel alive. Maybe… ah never mind.” Hoseok kissed him again and waved at Hobi who waved back into the mirror and continued dancing. “Let’s go home. We have to unpack so many things.”

Hyungwon nodded and waited until they had left the studio and were both safely buckled up in the car. Hoseok had just left the parking spot, so there was no running away.

“Maybe?” he asked and lifted an eyebrow, watching the older man intently while he concentrated on the road ahead.

“You’re persistent. I meant that maybe I need to find something that makes me feel alive too.” The black-haired man looked thoughtful. Hyungwon felt excited all of a sudden.

“You totally should! You could write smart books or you could work out and lift my weight with one arm and stuff. You like working out! There are lots of things you could try. I’ll support you, all enthusiastically!” He pulled his legs under his butt to sit a little higher and reached out to squeeze Hoseok’s thigh. “Feel that! It’s rock hard.”

“I see that my thigh makes you feel alive, which is more than I could ever hope for. I don’t know yet. There is nothing that comes to my mind besides reading and smoking and sex, which doesn’t qualify. Let’s see. I should definitely work less.” Hyungwon couldn’t agree more with the last sentence.

“Maybe we should also go on trips more, do exciting things. Also, there is no limit to hoping, you can hope as much as you like! How about you start with writing a book that explains all those words you always use that I don’t understand.” Hyungwon giggled and squeezed Hoseok’s thigh again.

“I think- I would like to study again. I want to know more and maybe learn a new therapy method because I realized that there are some limitations with certain issues and I don’t get good results because the patients need a different approach, but I’m not allowed to. If I work less, I will have time to study and learn a new way of treatment modalities.” Hoseok turned into their street that he only recognized because of the huge truck that still stood in front of their apartment building. Hyungwon smiled at the older man’s words, not really surprised by them.

_Very much like him to think about how to help others again._

“That sounds amazing, Hoseok! You should totally do that, but without beating yourself up for not doing certain things. Okay? Also,” Hyungwon fumbled with his hands as Hoseok parked the car and turned off the engine, “can I ask you something?”

“Sure.” He could see how a beautiful smile replaced the thoughtful expression on Hoseok’s face the longer the older man looked at him.

It felt familiar, a pleasant sensation that began with his eyes, burning a little with positivity that he couldn’t remember feeling before he met the older man, not with the same intensity as he did at that exact moment. A tingling followed, sinking into his chest through the spaces between his ribs instead of lead, filling it with something light and buzzing with energy that he wanted to spend. He wanted to put all that strength somewhere by wrapping his arms tightly around the older man and squeezing as much as he could.

It must have been happiness, the brief spark that appeared unexpectedly and only stayed for a few moments, warming him up from the inside for as long as the beautiful smile stayed on the older man’s face.

Hyungwon wanted to confess his love instead of requesting things, but alas, the older man already knew his feelings. Being loved wasn’t his main concern anymore.

_Because you are loved, so much._

His problems were much smaller than that already, a speck of dust compared to how he had felt before. A bright smile spread his plump lips as he turned to the black-haired man and understood that he had finally reached the point at which he could simply enjoy the drops of happiness that fell on top of his head, without fearing their disappearance. They blessed him for a few precious moments while he lived his life and made decisions, tried new things and thought ahead instead of remaining in one spot, focusing on the things he didn’t have or couldn’t do.

Instead of expressing all those things, Hyungwon chuckled, amused by how simple his request was compared to everything he had already received from the man next to him.

“I kinda need a phone,” he whispered, glad that he already had all those things money couldn’t buy.

 

***

 

The way Hyungwon managed to move on and to find something that lit up his face the way dancing with Hobi did, made him think. It made him contemplate on how he had spent his life until now, why he only worked and did nothing else besides that. It wasn’t living. He knew, he told those things to his patients every day, while never listening to his own words.

_Because you’re used to it, aren’t you?_

He was. Even after being close to the beautiful black-haired man and unpacking their things, filling the shelves of the cupboards in their new apartment, Hoseok still didn’t have the feeling that he was really living. The reasoning was simple, like out of a book for third-semester students. He needed to find something for himself. A hobby, an activity, something that he liked so much that it gave him a positive feeling and created an additional pillar in his life apart from work and his relationship to Hyungwon. He wanted to study again, to learn new things and to remember what he liked as a child.

_What did you even do when you were a child, besides giving away your toys because you hated money and how your parents tried to compensate for the lack of care? Did you like doing something?_

He couldn’t remember.

Hyungwon was still asleep and he sat on the edge of the bed and stared at the wall where he hung up one of the pencil sketches he made back when he first studied mental illnesses in university. This one was bipolar.

_You liked making those. Maybe you can do it again?_

He took some paper out of the printer and grabbed a simple pencil from the container on his desk, leaning against the window sill and watching the handsome man on the bed.

_You could draw him._

Suddenly, he remembered how Won looked when they met for the first time. How his wet hair hung into his eyes and how cold he looked, pale and wearing soaked clothed, sitting on the same bed. It seemed like ages ago.

The pencil touched the paper and he sketched the slim figure sitting on his bed, the puddles on the ground and the eyes that stared at the ceiling, not interested in anything else besides fulfilling the task. After he was done, Hoseok took another piece of paper and drew the black-haired man sleeping. Blissful and calm, hair sprawled over the white pillow and thick lips parted to exhale softly. He was beautiful and Hoseok felt elevated to be able to create something, to put a memory on paper, an image, to create contrast. He liked the image he saw right now so much more. They had experienced so many things together, agony and joy, they laughed and they cried together. In the end it was beautiful because there was development and there was hope.

_You are lucky._

Suddenly there was a shift on the mattress and he saw Hyungwon sit up and look at him, blinking a few times.

“What are you doing?” the black-haired boy asked and rubbed over his eyes, probably because he couldn’t see him properly without glasses. The boy’s voice was rough from sleep, but he sounded curious, crawling a little closer towards the edge of the bed. “Did you draw something?”

“Yes, I did. Development. I also drew that.” He pointed at the sketch on the wall, realizing that Hyungwon probably didn’t know that the pencil sketches were his works. “I remembered that I liked drawing abstract things like development, or things you can’t see, like mental illnesses, the image for it, as it’s easier to understand. I drew your development. Want to see?” He smiled and walked towards the bed, sitting on the edge and handing Hyungwon both sketches.

The brown-eyes examined them intently as they widened a little the more time passed.

“Those are really good! This is Won, isn’t it?” Hyungwon asked and pointed at the first drawing, smiling a little. “And this is me.”

“I think it’s both you, which is amazing. There is you feeling like this, and you feeling like that, it’s both possible, but I was able to see it apart from each other. Separated. It’s interesting, right? Well, I think it’s interesting.” Embarrassed, he looked to the side and took both drawings.

“You’re right,” Hyungwon commented and placed his palm on top of his. “It is interesting. I still cannot believe I was able to think so differently at those two points of time. Even now I cannot believe I stepped through walls, but I remember how it felt, how it looked and what I did to make it possible. A normal person would have already sent me to a mental ward.” Giggling, Hyungwon wrapped his arms around him and placed a warm kiss on his shoulder. “You’re like an angel and trust me, we angels recognize our kind.”

“You’re very human, I told you. How you came to me, only thinking about wanting to help me, made you human. You cared about me and my heart still hurts thinking about it because I rarely meet anyone like that. To be honest, I’ve never met someone like you, but… is it okay if I say it? I’m still scared that you might leave and I’m still unsure whether I’m the right person to be with you and I still don’t know what I’m supposed to do if that happens and it terrifies me. I sometimes think about that one time you took the knife. Ah… I don’t know why I talk about this, it’s stupid.” Shaking his head at himself, he got up and placed the paper on the desk.

“Hoseok, is it because of Hobi?” the black-haired boy asked, reaching for him, but missing his wrist by a few centimeters. “Is it because he hurt himself?”

_He knows. They probably talked about it._

“It’s not because of him. It’s because of the feeling that starts living inside you when you watch the person you love hurt themselves like that. You start feeling that you are the reason if you’re depressed, or that you’re not enough for them to stop, if you’re not depressed. Every time it happened it showed me that no matter what I do, I’m not enough to stop it. Like a reminder. When I see his scars I remember every single time. Just like I remember when I see your palm, even though it wasn’t the same and I know it. I think this and suicide are the two things I can’t deal with emotionally. I still blame myself even though I know that it’s not my fault.” Sighing, he wanted to disappear, to go somewhere and be alone, but something inside him fought and he returned to his bed, sitting down and looking at the sheets.

Hyungwon immediately reached for him, hot hands brushing over his shoulders and pulling him back so he could lie down, head resting on the boy’s lap.

“You know, Hoseok, I have never hurt myself before, never like that. The way I hurt myself as Won was a bridge in between. Had I not begun to breathe and feel whenever you touched me, it wouldn’t have mattered because I wouldn’t have felt the pain. I only remembered some of my memories because I felt the pain.” The younger man inhaled slowly and held the air in his lungs for a few extended seconds. “I needed the pain to remember, I might not have without. But that was back then, I won’t hurt myself anymore, there is no reason to. I- I don’t feel relief when I get hurt.”

“I know. You didn’t do it after that. I’m also not afraid that you might do it again, I simply remember.” Hoseok reached for the younger man’s palm and stroked over it gently. “How do you feel right now? Was leaving everything behind worth it? Was it what you needed?”

“I’m happy,” Hyungwon whispered, brushing through Hoseok’s hair with the fingers of his free hand and smiling a little. “Of course not always. I sometimes think I’m a waste of air and too dumb to understand what you say, but there is also the memory of your emotions back then, how you reacted to me. You know, I might be the only person that really knows how my significant other feels towards me. At least I knew what it was back then, not now, but your expressions, they- they are really similar.” The smile on the black-haired boy’s face looked really genuine, peaceful even. “I think leaving everything behind was what I needed, because I keep pushing everything from my past away as much as I can. I still haven’t been to my dorm, I haven’t cancelled it, I haven’t contacted my family or anybody else. There is only me and you in my happy bubble. Maybe I am scared too, scared that it will pop once I let all those other things in.”

“Do you want to let them in? Because in the end you don’t have to if they make you unhappy. It’s your decision.” Hoseok hugged the slim waist and kissed Hyungwon’s warm cheek. Sometimes he was still surprised when it felt warm, even though it had been a while since the younger man warmed up.

“I don’t know, I feel like I have to, like everybody would say I am terrible for pretending my parents don’t exists.” Sighing, the black-haired man threw his head into his neck, staring at the ceiling for a while. “I just want to get rid of my dorm and pretend it never existed, live with you and dance.”

“Okay,” Hoseok replied and smiled. “Let’s get rid of it.”

Wasn’t it common that people lived in self-made bubbles, letting their friends, partners and kids in, protecting them from strangers and things that made them unhappy? Isn’t it normal that we try to keep away the things that make us unhappy and make us experience negativity instead of helping us to live in a positive way? It didn’t matter whether it was family or friends, as soon as the surroundings and the relationship became toxic, negative, forcing us to suffer and stealing our will to live, there was no reason to keep them. None at all.

“It doesn’t matter what others think,” he whispered, leaning in and kissing the tip of Hyungwon’s round nose. “You deserve to be happy.”

_

It was evening and he originally hadn’t planned on staying for so long, but a patient needed an additional session and he couldn’t decline. Hoseok still couldn’t. A glance to the cupboard revealed the packet of cigarettes that have been there since the last time he smoked. There was only one left.

_Maybe you should smoke it? To end it, you know? Hyungwon also left everything behind and started a completely new life by abandoning everything and cutting it off._

Getting the lighter, he pulled out the lonely cigarette and took it between his lips. Funnily enough Hoseok didn’t feel any anticipation or excitement as he usually did. Watching the flame of the lighter and sucking in the bitter scent of tobacco, foreign and not familiar at all, he smiled, took the cigarette and threw it into the bin.

_A cut is a cut. It’s not abandoning, if there is nothing more to abandon, right?_

Hoseok looked around, examining the room. It contained so many memories, especially those when Won came to him and showed him that he was invisible, goofing around and breathing into his patients’ necks if he didn’t like them and considered them a threat. The memory painted a smile on his face and he recalled sitting on the floor, exhausted and hopeless, before there was the feeling of Hyungwon’s fingers on his shoulders as the younger man tried to massage him. He could still remember the touch if he concentrated on his memory, it had been unusual and resembling a shower in late autumn. He also remembered the kiss in front of Hobi and the occasional visits after Hyungwon turned human, the walks in the park, the bright smile when the younger man felt useful because Hoseok let him set up his new laptop because he sucked at it. There were so many, even though it was only related to this one room he was standing in.

_You didn’t make it all up?_

Even if he did, it was his. His memories that didn’t resemble the painful knot he was used to. Instead they were different, happy, scary, joyful, sad, frustrating and even adorable. All of them were stored inside his mind and changed him day for day, just like Hyungwon’s newly made experiences and memories changed him in addition to his passion for dancing that frequently painted a smile on the handsome face. He was happy. Hyungwon was. And Hoseok was.

Pulling the light coat over his shoulders, he walked outside, realizing that it started raining really badly. That was the unfortunate thing about not smoking. He didn’t open the window.

The water soaked the fabric and slipped through it like ice, cooling his skin and making him shiver. He should’ve taken an umbrella, but where was the point if you got soaked anyway, freezing and getting sick as a consequence. He was definitely going to get sick and then skip work, even though his patients needed the therapy sessions. Damn it.

_The bad thing about happiness is that it’s not everlasting._

Suddenly there was a motion next to him and the downpour of water stopped hitting him with all its force, leaving the loud noise of drops against an umbrella. His eyes firstly focused on a big hand that held onto the handle of the familiar, black umbrella and finally a pair of big, brown eyes watching him intently. Plump lips spread in a bright smile.

“I came to protect you from the water,” Hyungwon whispered, holding the umbrella over both of their heads.

_Does it even rain, when he’s next to you?_

“You don’t need to protect me from the water,” he whispered, overwhelmed by the sight. The younger man’s black hair hung into his brown eyes and a few drops shimmered on his golden skin, making him shine in the light of the street lamp. “You don’t need to protect me, because the rain feels like cool fingers stroking over my skin if you’re next to me.”

Hyungwon’s free hand reached out, cupping his cheek. His fingers felt like burning fire, heating up his freezing face in a matter of seconds as the smile on those pretty lips only widened. It looked more than stunning.

“But I am warm now.”

_He is._

“I know. The rain will stroke me with its cool drops and you will warm me up with your hot touch while loving me, even though I have so many weaknesses and unsolved issues and anxiety. You are here with me, holding this umbrella and life suddenly seems beautiful. Do you know why it is beautiful all of a sudden?” he asked and leaned into the touch, gaze focused on Hyungwon’s orbs. The younger man needed a haircut soon.

“Why?” the low voice asked as the slim figure stepped closer towards him, hiding under the umbrella while drops covered his broad shoulders. Hoseok smiled and reached out, thumb stroking over Hyungwon’s plump mouth and gaze drowning in the beautiful, brown eyes that seemed more like home than anything he had ever owned.

“Because when you are next to me, I am able to see the good side of things.”

 

The End.


End file.
